Kid related - s/o from the discipline post

kreeper611 · July 2011

At what age did you start to think/realize that your kid might be strong willed and that it isn't just their age or a phase?

Cooper throws fits. At times, epic tantrums. Personally I struggle with thinking "it is his age, he doesn't understand what time out means, he's teething so his fuse is short" and wondering if he is on the path to being "strong willed" and I shouldn't make excuses.

Maybe I should have read some of those books...?

CindyandScott · July 2011

I just knew but probably because I am on my second kid and see the differences since the beginning. Reagan was just age and what not but Abby is truly strong willed. She is going to be really tough. Just this week she has really exhibited that though I have thought that since she was born.

KKMMex · July 2011

I knew our older daughter was very spirited quite early on. She was a super extrovert and didn't nap. Seriously, if I could get her to take a 30 minute nap it was a miracle, and this was when she was an older infant and young toddler. She dropped napping entirely before she was two.

Our second daughter was super mellow and that's when I realized how strong-willed DD1 was, because I could compare and contrast their behavior and personalities. DD1 was just so much louder, so much more demanding, so much more aggressive about getting her needs met at every stage.

Nanner · July 2011

Don't read the books! It'll just make you doubt your own abilities. At least they did me. I thought they helped in the moment, but looking back, I realize that I lost touch with my intuition.

Anyway, in our experience, we could tell by age 2.5 or so that his tantrums were not your average 2-year old's tantrum. I guess mostly it was hearing other parents talk about their kids and how they worked through the tantrums. The things that worked for just about all of them didn't work with us.

SigmundsGirl · July 2011

I think Evan is strong willed. When he was about 9 months old he would squeeze his little fits and scream when we wanted something or if he was frustrated. He has just started tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it. We don't want to let him run the house so we are trying to teach him to wait.

I have started doing small things with him to get him to calm down (like put his hands togehter) and get him to listen to me when he starts a tantrum. We aren't willing to give in to his every whim, but we want to work with his personality - not break him like some people we know would do.

We are taking a parenting class since neither of us have experience with kids and we need ideas of how to deal with these issues. We also talk to his Pedi about it. If we need to we will see a professional if we aren't able to cope as he gets older.

Nanner · July 2011

SigmundsGirl:
I think Evan is strong willed. When he was about 9 months old he would squeeze his little fits and scream when we wanted something or if he was frustrated. He has just started tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it. We don't want to let him run the house so we are trying to teach him to wait.
I have started doing small things with him to get him to calm down (like put his hands togehter) and get him to listen to me when he starts a tantrum. We aren't willing to give in to his every whim, but we want to work with his personality - not break him like some people we know would do.
We are taking a parenting class since neither of us have experience with kids and we need ideas of how to deal with these issues. We also talk to his Pedi about it. If we need to we will see a professional if we aren't able to cope as he gets older.

I think this is so important. One size does not fit all.

abs05 · July 2011

I'm not sure I want to read this post, but will anyways. I am scared of the responses though.

Mine has been very, very intense since birth. She had colic for about 5 months along with reflux/mspi. Once we got that under control and got over the colic I thought things would improve, but no. She is not I am hungry but "OMG I am SO hungry feed me RIGHT now no one has ever fed me before I am wasting away you hate me." Or "teething sucks no one has ever hurt as bad as I do right this second life sucks SCREAM."

I keep hoping it is just a phase that she will grow out of it, but she is almost 8 months so I am not so sure.

kreeper611 · July 2011

SigmundsGirl:

I think Evan is strong willed. When he was about 9 months old he would squeeze his little fits and scream when we wanted something or if he was frustrated. He has just started tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it. We don't want to let him run the house so we are trying to teach him to wait.

I have started doing small things with him to get him to calm down (like put his hands togehter) and get him to listen to me when he starts a tantrum. We aren't willing to give in to his every whim, but we want to work with his personality - not break him like some people we know would do.

We are taking a parenting class since neither of us have experience with kids and we need ideas of how to deal with these issues. We also talk to his Pedi about it. If we need to we will see a professional if we aren't able to cope as he gets older.

Cooper does this. I can see him shaking he is SO pissed and doesn't know what to do. He will turn bright red with fury. I see him trying so hard in his head to figure out what he can/should do. He'll try this high-pitched scream, or he will think about throwing something to see what we'll do. I usually calmly pick up what was thrown and say that when you throw things you lose them. Most of the time I work on calmly talking to him and telling him that I can't understand him when he's yelling, and that I can't help him if he is upset, but that I understand why he is mad. Other times, though, he ends up in time out.

The issue these days is that he thinks it is funny to get up and run away, laughing the whole time. head::desk

rayskit10 · July 2011

Nanner:
Don't read the books! It'll just make you doubt your own abilities. At least they did me. I thought they helped in the moment, but looking back, I realize that I lost touch with my intuition.
Anyway, in our experience, we could tell by age 2.5 or so that his tantrums were not your average 2-year old's tantrum. I guess mostly it was hearing other parents talk about their kids and how they worked through the tantrums. The things that worked for just about all of them didn't work with us.

I agree about the books.

I also want to say ALL 2-3 year olds throw HELLA tantrums. That is normal, totally normal. And for each parent, it feels like they are going through hell. I think the difference with some of the moms who have really strong willed kids in the other post was that their tantrums were almost or actually violent (and throwing yourself on the floor isn't violent). I am not saying that anyone should discount the struggle of dealing with kids. I have a very high strung, emotional and needy child. And he's strong willed and very smart- these often go together- but not all kids who throw tantrums need therapy. Don't drive yoruself crazy worrying about.

Nanner · July 2011

rayskit10:
Nanner:
Don't read the books! It'll just make you doubt your own abilities. At least they did me. I thought they helped in the moment, but looking back, I realize that I lost touch with my intuition.
Anyway, in our experience, we could tell by age 2.5 or so that his tantrums were not your average 2-year old's tantrum. I guess mostly it was hearing other parents talk about their kids and how they worked through the tantrums. The things that worked for just about all of them didn't work with us.

I agree about the books.

I also want to say ALL 2-3 year olds throw HELLA tantrums. That is normal, totally normal. And for each parent, it feels like they are going through hell. I think the difference with some of the moms who have really strong willed kids in the other post was that their tantrums were almost or actually violent (and throwing yourself on the floor isn't violent). I am not saying that anyone should discount the struggle of dealing with kids. I have a very high strung, emotional and needy child. And he's strong willed and very smart- these often go together- but not all kids who throw tantrums need therapy. Don't drive yoruself crazy worrying about.

Yes

kreeper611 · July 2011

rayskit10:

I also want to say ALL 2-3 year olds throw HELLA tantrums. That is normal, totally normal. And for each parent, it feels like they are going through hell. I think the difference with some of the moms who have really strong willed kids in the other post was that their tantrums were almost or actually violent (and throwing yourself on the floor isn't violent). I am not saying that anyone should discount the struggle of dealing with kids. I have a very high strung, emotional and needy child. And he's strong willed and very smart- these often go together- but not all kids who throw tantrums need therapy. Don't drive yoruself crazy worrying about.

Funny - I was talking to my old boss this morning. Her little girl (6yo) is strong willed, but scores exceptional on a lot of things in school. She is constantly in trouble in class, but it is a result of not being challenged and being bored.

Suzi-G- · July 2011

kreeper611:
SigmundsGirl:

I think Evan is strong willed. When he was about 9 months old he would squeeze his little fits and scream when we wanted something or if he was frustrated. He has just started tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it. We don't want to let him run the house so we are trying to teach him to wait.

I have started doing small things with him to get him to calm down (like put his hands togehter) and get him to listen to me when he starts a tantrum. We aren't willing to give in to his every whim, but we want to work with his personality - not break him like some people we know would do.

We are taking a parenting class since neither of us have experience with kids and we need ideas of how to deal with these issues. We also talk to his Pedi about it. If we need to we will see a professional if we aren't able to cope as he gets older.

Cooper does this. I can see him shaking he is SO pissed and doesn't know what to do. He will turn bright red with fury. I see him trying so hard in his head to figure out what he can/should do. He'll try this high-pitched scream, or he will think about throwing something to see what we'll do. I usually calmly pick up what was thrown and say that when you throw things you lose them. Most of the time I work on calmly talking to him and telling him that I can't understand him when he's yelling, and that I can't help him if he is upset, but that I understand why he is mad. Other times, though, he ends up in time out.

The issue these days is that he thinks it is funny to get up and run away, laughing the whole time. head::desk

The most helpful thing I've done is teach my Cooper to say "Help" when he's frustrated with something/ can't do something/ or wants something. Then of course I have to figure out what he needs/wants help with but it's better than what he used to do which was get angry (usually at inanimate objects) and scream and cry. I don't do time out yet, I just don't think he "gets" it enough for it to be helpful at this point. We do take him in his room and read to him to help him calm down if he's throwing a fit, but it's not really "time out."

CindyandScott · July 2011

I think that once he is able to talk that helps as well. Right now he just isn't sure how to voice his frustrations which is even more frustrating for him.

Reagan would get so frustrated that she would just scream or not cry even though she could talk. We taught her when she was frustrated to stop her feet. We in turn at home did the same with her so she would understand . It helped some though this was earlier this year. Funny though as she is our easy going child.

Abby this week has learned to cross her little arms across her body and will just sit down. She will not move for anything and turns into dead weight. Luckily she doesn't weight that much. ; )

SigmundsGirl · July 2011

kreeper611:
SigmundsGirl:

I think Evan is strong willed. When he was about 9 months old he would squeeze his little fits and scream when we wanted something or if he was frustrated. He has just started tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it. We don't want to let him run the house so we are trying to teach him to wait.

I have started doing small things with him to get him to calm down (like put his hands togehter) and get him to listen to me when he starts a tantrum. We aren't willing to give in to his every whim, but we want to work with his personality - not break him like some people we know would do.

We are taking a parenting class since neither of us have experience with kids and we need ideas of how to deal with these issues. We also talk to his Pedi about it. If we need to we will see a professional if we aren't able to cope as he gets older.

Cooper does this. I can see him shaking he is SO pissed and doesn't know what to do. He will turn bright red with fury. I see him trying so hard in his head to figure out what he can/should do. He'll try this high-pitched scream, or he will think about throwing something to see what we'll do. I usually calmly pick up what was thrown and say that when you throw things you lose them. Most of the time I work on calmly talking to him and telling him that I can't understand him when he's yelling, and that I can't help him if he is upset, but that I understand why he is mad. Other times, though, he ends up in time out.

The issue these days is that he thinks it is funny to get up and run away, laughing the whole time. head::desk

Evan does this too. It is a game to him and freaks me out because when we are outside he usually runs to something dangerous and then throws a tantrum when he gets picked up.

We are working with him on holding our hand or being picked up when we walk out in public. We are also working on stop and go.He gets and loves "go" but ignores "stop" and runs faster, which usually makes him fall. ::sigh::

SigmundsGirl · July 2011

Suzi-G-:
kreeper611:
SigmundsGirl:

I think Evan is strong willed. When he was about 9 months old he would squeeze his little fits and scream when we wanted something or if he was frustrated. He has just started tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it. We don't want to let him run the house so we are trying to teach him to wait.

I have started doing small things with him to get him to calm down (like put his hands togehter) and get him to listen to me when he starts a tantrum. We aren't willing to give in to his every whim, but we want to work with his personality - not break him like some people we know would do.

We are taking a parenting class since neither of us have experience with kids and we need ideas of how to deal with these issues. We also talk to his Pedi about it. If we need to we will see a professional if we aren't able to cope as he gets older.

Cooper does this. I can see him shaking he is SO pissed and doesn't know what to do. He will turn bright red with fury. I see him trying so hard in his head to figure out what he can/should do. He'll try this high-pitched scream, or he will think about throwing something to see what we'll do. I usually calmly pick up what was thrown and say that when you throw things you lose them. Most of the time I work on calmly talking to him and telling him that I can't understand him when he's yelling, and that I can't help him if he is upset, but that I understand why he is mad. Other times, though, he ends up in time out.

The issue these days is that he thinks it is funny to get up and run away, laughing the whole time. head::desk

The most helpful thing I've done is teach my Cooper to say "Help" when he's frustrated with something/ can't do something/ or wants something. Then of course I have to figure out what he needs/wants help with but it's better than what he used to do which was get angry (usually at inanimate objects) and scream and cry. I don't do time out yet, I just don't think he "gets" it enough for it to be helpful at this point. We do take him in his room and read to him to help him calm down if he's throwing a fit, but it's not really "time out."

We are working on getting him to say "help", but he won't say it on his own, we have to tell him to say "help" and then he does. I don't think he gets it yet.

You seem so much more clam than I am, I guess I know where he gets it, but I am really working at being clam and patient. I actually don't yell much at all but it takes every bit of my self-control. Any other suggestions you have would be great.

michellebelle · July 2011

Nanner:
SigmundsGirl:

I have started doing small things with him to get him to calm down (like put his hands togehter) and get him to listen to me when he starts a tantrum. We aren't willing to give in to his every whim, but we want to work with his personality - not break him like some people we know would do.

I think this is so important. One size does not fit all.

Agree. And being strong willed can be a great asset if channeled in the right direction.

M is strong willed on some things, not others. Basically, when she takes a stand, there is no moving her. Wonder where she gets that? :-P

I was taught to be ashamed of my strong will. I was told from age 6 through my teen years about what a selfish, self-absorbed, mean and inconsiderate person I am. Exerting my own will was not allowed in my dad's house and was severely punished and constantly berated. I am the neurotic mess you all know (and some love) today because of it.

I don't want Maddie's spirit to be broken. I want her to know when to show respect, consideration, kindness, etc., but if something is really important to her I want her to be able to make a stand in a constructive, respectful matter. I don't want her to be pushed around by bullies.

I had a talk with her teacher about how strong willed she is. For example, if Maddie is in free time and is telling her friend a story and the teacher walks up, she wants Maddie to stop mid-story and do what she says RIGHT THEN. Maddie will tune out the whole world and finish what she is doing and then calmly look over and say, "Ok I'm done - what was it you wanted me to do?" It's a challenge because the teacher feels like she is being rude and disregarding her, but she is following the behavior we model at home - that she can't just interrupt us and have us stop what we are doing for what she wants. We are still working on the concept of adults vs. kids and the hierarchy that comes with age, lol.

She often channels that same determination into great projects and finishing what she started. I asked the teacher if there was another strategy to work with her personality rather than break her, and the teacher said, "oh don't worry, we'll break her." I let it lie then but didn't like that response. I'm still not sure about the solution yet and I do want M to be an obedient student, but there has to be a balance in there and I'm determined to find it, not break her.

SigmundsGirl · July 2011

michellebelle:
Nanner:
SigmundsGirl:

I have started doing small things with him to get him to calm down (like put his hands togehter) and get him to listen to me when he starts a tantrum. We aren't willing to give in to his every whim, but we want to work with his personality - not break him like some people we know would do.

I think this is so important. One size does not fit all.

Agree. And being strong willed can be a great asset if channeled in the right direction.

M is strong willed on some things, not others. Basically, when she takes a stand, there is no moving her. Wonder where she gets that? :-P

I was taught to be ashamed of my strong will. I was told from age 6 through my teen years about what a selfish, self-absorbed, mean and inconsiderate person I am. Exerting my own will was not allowed in my dad's house and was severely punished and constantly berated. I am the neurotic mess you all know (and some love) today because of it.

I don't want Maddie's spirit to be broken. I want her to know when to show respect, consideration, kindness, etc., but if something is really important to her I want her to be able to make a stand in a constructive, respectful matter. I don't want her to be pushed around by bullies.

I had a talk with her teacher about how strong willed she is. For example, if Maddie is in free time and is telling her friend a story and the teacher walks up, she wants Maddie to stop mid-story and do what she says RIGHT THEN. Maddie will tune out the whole world and finish what she is doing and then calmly look over and say, "Ok I'm done - what was it you wanted me to do?" It's a challenge because the teacher feels like she is being rude and disregarding her, but she is following the behavior we model at home - that she can't just interrupt us and have us stop what we are doing for what she wants. We are still working on the concept of adults vs. kids and the hierarchy that comes with age, lol.

She often channels that same determination into great projects and finishing what she started. I asked the teacher if there was another strategy to work with her personality rather than break her, and the teacher said, "oh don't worry, we'll break her." I let it lie then but didn't like that response. I'm still not sure about the solution yet and I do want M to be an obedient student, but there has to be a balance in there and I'm determined to find it, not break her.

Wow, that teacher sounds like she comes from my mom's generation (she is 68). I really admire you and the way you are raising Maddie. I know Evan is still young, but I want to start on these principles early and consistantly. I also want to focus his energy and spirit into something positive. That is why posts like these are so helpful.

kat.in.the.hat · July 2011

Marion was high needs since birth, but thankfully, has mellowed into a pretty chilled out toddler.

Eliza on the other hand, is fairly mellow, but incredibly strong willed when she decides to set her mind to something (it may just take her a while to determine what it is she really, really wants.)

Marion always took to redirection so easily, which was such a blessing. Eliza, not so much. She'll repeatedly touch something (hello electrical outlets) crying the whole time because she knows she's going to get told "no" but she's going to do it anyway.

The most helpful thing for us, and we're starting really early with Eliza, is teaching them to communicate. Eliza has been signing for milk for over a month now and with Marion, our most valuable words were "show me what you want." When she realized she could do that and communicate with us that way, she got much easier to deal with.

The biggest thing of all though was frequently chanting (out loud even) "I am the parent. I am the parent. I am the parent." Daily I have to remind myself of that. And if they get me so worked up that I feel like I don't even know my name, I can't imagine how confused they must be.

04JaxBride · July 2011

Nanner:
rayskit10:
Nanner:
Don't read the books! It'll just make you doubt your own abilities. At least they did me. I thought they helped in the moment, but looking back, I realize that I lost touch with my intuition.
Anyway, in our experience, we could tell by age 2.5 or so that his tantrums were not your average 2-year old's tantrum. I guess mostly it was hearing other parents talk about their kids and how they worked through the tantrums. The things that worked for just about all of them didn't work with us.

I agree about the books.

I also want to say ALL 2-3 year olds throw HELLA tantrums. That is normal, totally normal. And for each parent, it feels like they are going through hell. I think the difference with some of the moms who have really strong willed kids in the other post was that their tantrums were almost or actually violent (and throwing yourself on the floor isn't violent). I am not saying that anyone should discount the struggle of dealing with kids. I have a very high strung, emotional and needy child. And he's strong willed and very smart- these often go together- but not all kids who throw tantrums need therapy. Don't drive yoruself crazy worrying about.

to the eleventy billionth power.

Kid related - s/o from the discipline post

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