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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Poll: "Wedding" faux pas or no?
Here is the scenario...
You are invited to a big, fancy wedding. You travel across the state for said wedding incurring travel expenses, stay in a hotel, give a generous gift and pay for all of your expected fine clothing, hair do, etc.
After the wedding, you find out that the couple had already been married in a civil union several months before the "wedding" you attended so that they could have the big wedding they wanted but, would not be living in sin. The couple chose to keep this infomation secret from the invited guests. This means that you actually attended a vow renewal and reception, not a wedding.
ETA more specific information in a post below...
[Poll]
Canon 50D, Canon 50mm f/1.4, Tamron 28-75mm f/2.8, Speedlite 430EX II
Re: Poll: "Wedding" faux pas or no?
Well... I am just wondering if there was a special circumstance pushing them to get married prior to the wedding?
Citizenship, baby on the way, need for quick health insurance coverage...
Not even being silly -- but, they may have had a reason for jumping the gun prior to big wedding... if that's the case, then eh whatever just roll with it.
if they were just anxious then lame.
Well I did this. IMO it was still a wedding. We were married JOP 10 months before our church wedding for insurance/housing reasons. While we weren't secretive about it we didn't tell everyone because we didn't feel it mattered.
Our JOP was in jeans, etc and just DH and I no witnesses (in VA you don't need any) and was basically a chore during our day of errands but due to military and health concerns we did it.
Our church was our wedding, it is what family celebrates with us for our anniversary and what the family remembers. Our JOP anniversary is ours only and the date we use on government forms for when we got married.
Also our invites did not say Vow Renewal because it was the first time in the eyes of God, we exchanged rings in church (never before). We did get denied marriage in my home church due to this but had no problems anywhere else.
Nope - no reason of that magnitude.
Both have very high-paying jobs and exellent benefits on their own. No shotgun. No military reason.
They are currently in a long distance relationship. He is moving back to her town in November and his parents don't believe in them living together before marriage but, the couple wants more time to plan the wedding and do not want to live apart. To appease his parents, they are planning to do the civil union so that they can live together and take their time planning the big party.
Both are in their mid-30's. One was married previously. They spend every other weekend together in each other's homes and have for the past year.
(*I am VERY close with one of the individuals, know ALL of the detials and am just trying to get a read for them)
Canon 50D, Canon 50mm f/1.4, Tamron 28-75mm f/2.8, Speedlite 430EX II
they spend every other weekend living together...so his parents had an issue with weekdays?!
Ha!!! I heart you right now Melanie!
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I agree with Margie.
I had a friend do the same thing. JOP wedding in 2008, then at our wedding announced to us that she too was getting "married" because she wanted a big wedding and wanted to wear a white dress. It pissed me off, and I felt like she was super gift grabby (she had a Jack & Jill and a Bridal shower). It pissed me off...annnnnnddd three months after their "real" wedding (her words, not mine) they separated, and I believe still are.
ETA: I wouldn't have a problem if it was a military or baby circumstance to go to the JOP then have a wedding.
After reading your explanation i voted for the are we living in sin thing. If that is their only reason then i would be annoyed.
If it were for military, health, baby etc....then it doesnt bother me.
There are some cases where I understand the civil ceremony and then big reception/vow renewal later. I don't think in this case the couple has sufficient reason. If living in sin is an issue to them, then I would assume it is due to religious reasons. If that is true, then a civil ceremony isn't what would "marry" them in a religious way, it would marry them legally. So, they would technically be living in sin anyway until the religious ceremony. Unless, they aren't religious, but then I guess I'm a bit confused.
To be honest, it's really disappointing that ladies here disrespect others' religious beliefs. Yes, it's the 21st century, and our culture has changed - but guess what? A lot of people do actually live separately before marriage and many remain abstinent as well. I don't think it's fair to ridicule or poke fun at those that uphold these ideals. In fact, I believe it's a violation of the TOS here to engage in bashing anyone's race, religion, etc.
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I totally hear what you are saying on the religious aspect and if thats the case then thats ok, thats their decision. Jen's explanation was that they were getting married in a civil ceremony b/c his parents didn't approve of them living together....... And you are right in that for religious purpose they are still not married if married by a JOP. So their reasoning is a bit confusing
That was my point to them as well. The civil ceremony would not marry them in God's eyes so, they would still not be married as far as that parent's wishes dictate. Also, they are not looking to have the wedding in a church but at their venue and have not decided if it will be their religious officiant to marry them. Because of that it makes no sense to me.
I would not disparage the religious belief in the least. However, I do think that they should be following their own beliefs at their age rather than those of a parent. Since the couple is already "living together" on the weekends they see each other and are already having sex, what is the difference if they live togther full time? It's just semantics.
Canon 50D, Canon 50mm f/1.4, Tamron 28-75mm f/2.8, Speedlite 430EX II
His mother chooses to believe that they sleep in separate bedrooms during their weekends together, because that is what she instructed him to do. They have let her believe that they are following her wishes - a lie of omission.
Canon 50D, Canon 50mm f/1.4, Tamron 28-75mm f/2.8, Speedlite 430EX II
I didn't read anything that could be misconstrued as disparaging or disrespectful to anyone's religion.
I fail to see where anyone on this board has disrespected any religious beliefs.
As for this couple, I wish them well. I also feel they are up a long road ahead of them if adults allow parents to dictate actions. They are not 14 y.o. If your parents wishes and mandates matter that much, uphold them. There is no shame in that. Don't lie about it, omit it, etc. If one is grown up enough to lay down like a woman/man be ready to get back up as one.
fo'real. live together don't live together have sex don't have sex... Just pick a side not both. Either respect your parents wishes or don't. Don't go 'practically living together' on weekends and then get married to 'save face'. That is stoopid
I only voted "special" because we almost did this back in 2008. His Mom was on our case about the whole "living in sin" thing and he was a little uncomfortable for a bit. To me it didn't matter. My Dad was the one who said "Do the quick one and still have your big one September".
We ended up having just one ceremony. It was great, but I would've done whatever Hubs wanted. We had been together so long, I just wanted my party (I didn't care about presents, people being there was the present to me). I wanted the dress, the food, the band etc. Both my brothers eloped when they got married, so I really wanted a wedding for myself.
Thanks for all of the great input.
I just have a feeling, knowing over half of the guest list, that doing the secret civil ceremony first could end up ruffling lots of feathers and I don't want to see them start their lives together with bad feelings. But, they are adults and are going to choose what they will...
Canon 50D, Canon 50mm f/1.4, Tamron 28-75mm f/2.8, Speedlite 430EX II