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My DH Repulses Me? Please Help!
My DH and I recently, less than 3 months ago, got married and we're already having sex issues. This is not ok with either of us. We're both young and in love...so what's the problem? Well I think it's some "issues" he refuses to address mainly due to the fact that he finds it embarrassing to talk about. Long story short, he's sensitive, finishes early, and can't get hard for round two. He's had this problem for about a year now and in no way, shape, or form has this changed my opinion of him or my feelings towards him, but ever since our wedding I plain out do not want sex. I want to say it's just me and blame my serious lack of sex drive, but I think partially deep down I find it annoying to have sex with him. I'm never pleased and though it's annoying, what makes it worse is that he doesn't find sex enjoyable either, making the effort pointless. Also, because I don't want sex, he thinks he repulses me and this is certainly not the case. He's willing to do what it takes to fix the problem so I'm setting him an appointment at PP ( like I said we're young and have little money with no health insurance) when I go in August to renew my birth control. They have men's health services to help with these "issues", but I'm not sure what to have them check for exactly. Any help? Sorry for the novel, but this is seriously hurting us and I could really use the feedback! Also what should I do about the lack of sex drive? Should I discuss that with the PP doctor as well? Thanks in advance! 
Re: My DH Repulses Me? Please Help!
Congrats on getting married! We got married in April of this year and are almost to our 3 month date too. I am by no means an expert on this sort of problem but here are a couple of things I have thought about in our situation -
It is really important to talk about this. Let him know how he can help you be satisfied. Even if he has a hard time lasting a while, it is important for you both to get pleasure in some form. Also, use condoms. They make some that have a numbing agent to help guys stay erect longer if they are sensitive to sex. It definitely sucks to have to use a condom BUT it is not going to help him if you don't use one. Also (dont know for a fact) but i've heard if he can perhaps masturbate a couple hours before sex, it helps to last longer the second time. Some guys aren't able to go for round two right after so they have to wait a bit.
You may also talk to your doctor about lack of sex drive. Some hormone birth control methods can seriously decrease libido. I have been wondering about that myself because my drive is incredibly low for someone who has just gotten married. I think for my situation it is an overwhelming rollercoaster and the stress got to me and shot me into a lull.
Don't know if any of this helps, but hopefully it is at least somethign to talk with your husband and your obgyn. Good luck!
That he can't get hard for round 2 is disturbing.
What he needs is a full medical checkup. Have the doc rule out problems such as thyroid issues, diabetes or a circulatory issue or a hormone deficiency.
The penis is the dipstick to a man's health. Problems with a thyroid, heart problems and others will often manifest first in the way of erectile dysfunction.
If nothing funky turns up with a medical workup, it is probably psychological -- you and he need to address that with a sex therapist.
This is a whole other problem in itself -- and prepare to be flamed by others:
He's had this problem for about a year now and in no way, shape, or form has this changed my opinion of him or my feelings towards him, but ever since our wedding I plain out do not want sex. I want to say it's just me and blame my serious lack of sex drive, but I think partially deep down I find it annoying to have sex with him. I'm never pleased and though it's annoying, what makes it worse is that he doesn't find sex enjoyable either, making the effort pointless
Had the problem for a year? WHy didn't he have this looked into when the problem began??? It should have been addressed and resolved long before you got married. As you can see, this is now becoming a permanent problem -- did you think this issue would go away once you got married?
I am also willing to bet that you have NOT talked about this issue with him. I very strongly suggest you do so tonight -- do it when you and he are not in bed. Like I said, he needs a full medical checkup and has needed one since this problem presented itself.
Finishing early is probably due to lack of experience. it's the erectile problems that have me worried; you should be worried, also.
I don't think you have a lack of sex drive per se; you're not that rarin' to go because you know he's got problems with erections. Make sure he sees his doc and stat. Do not use "no health insurance" as a reason not to get to a doc; I do not wish to be an alarmist but he needs to find out now what is going on. I would hate to see this turn into something very major with his health where he might wind up needing urgent care and a hospital admission -- thyroid problems can be sticky and critical and so can anything cardiac or ciruclatory. GL.
I'm sorry. I should have given more info from the get go; however, I was just trying to get the long story short out so let me explain further. We went to the doctor about half a year ago to address the issue, but they weren't sure what was wrong and gave a general prescription that was anti-depressant based to conquer psychological issues. He didn't think it helped any though and with the stress of planning our wedding I guess we just attributed it to that, which wouldn't go away until the wedding was over obviously. Therefore, we haven?t gotten around to going back. Not an excuse, I know, however it is the truth none the less. So we HAVE talked about the problems, many times, but it's a sensitive subject and though we've promised to work on it I'm trying to figure out a nice place to start. That's why I thought the medical checkup would be the obvious starting point I'm just not sure what to ask you see? I don?t want to put him down by saying we need to go to the doctor to fix his ?member?, but rather to make sure he?s healthy. No, I didn't think the problem would go away by itself, I'm not that naive. I just wanted to give my back story so readers could see where I'm coming from a little better. I'm sorry if it was TMI. I didn't mean to put off that I'm only concerned about my own well being, I'm very concerned for him and want nothing more than for the BOTH of us to be healthy not only in our sex life, but in everyday life as well. Thank you for giving me a couple places to check though and will do so ASAP. I appreciate your help.
He needs another opinion. That doc doesn't sound like much good.
Encouraging that he went. That is a good sign; he is willing to work on this; your health means everything.
Try a urologist. And your H needs to be frank about the symptoms.
How young are you two?
I think that having a check up is a great idea. However, I think the two of you should look into talking to a sex therapist. It sounds to me like you are both a bit inexpirienced and could use a bit of guidance on how to communicate with each other about and durring sex. You also both need to learn what is normal and abnormal. It is not abnormal for a man to take a while to get ready for round two.
Also, if your guy finishes quickly, he needs to make sure you get off before he does. Ask him for more foreplay so that you can climax first. Then everyone is happy.
cwagk- Thank you! Congrats to you as well! We have tried the masturbation trick, but it's a hit or miss. Sometimes it works well and then other times it's like we didn't do anything at all. We've noticed also that alcohol tends to make him last a little bit longer, that's why the doctor thought that it was perhaps psychological, but that really depends as well. We've also tried a numbing cream to help with the sensitivity issue, but it doesn't work at all. That could just mean that we are using the wrong product.
I've heard that birth control pills can affect you like that though. I really noticed the lack of sex drive after I switched pills so maybe I should talk to the doctor about switching back. Or at least talk about my concerns and see what they suggest. Thanks!
iluvmytxrgr- I'm 20 and my husband will be 24 in September. So you can see why I'm concerned about his lack of control and my lack of sex drive. What's weird to me is that we both are very attracted to one another, but these issues still pursue. We briefly talked about the idea of maybe seeking counseling from a sex therapist just because a) we're hoping that if it is a psychological thing they would be able to help us better understand the problem(s) and b) it just sounds like something fun to do to further our relationship. The inexperience and lack of communication could certainly be a factor because though I'm outgoing and adventurous, I tend to be very non vocal on my wants and needs when it comes to sex. The H is the same way. It's a little comforting to hear that it's normal for round two to not happen right away, but like I said sometimes he can't get hard again at all until a few hours later. Foreplay is another problem. I love foreplay, I've told him this, but sometimes he's too rough and so it becomes a complete turn off. I tell him to cool it because the roughness is easy enough to fix and things go pretty well, but the anticipation of sex drives him crazy and as soon as he puts in he's instantly done. So certainly these are all things we could/ should work on. Thanks!
To be short:
- you need to take more control over your satisfaction - you need to show him what you like - you need to entice him to spend more time on YOU first.
- his early ejaculation is probably not a medical issue (though certainly should about it with a professional if concerned). Most likely, between increased sexual activity together and more foreplay on his part with you - it will help his stamina
- his not being able to get hard for round two is even more likely NOT a medical issue - many/most men are not able to get ready for a second round immediately after their first orgasm.
- I think you guys should buy books/dvds on foreplay ... remove SEX from the equation and focus on the fun stuff ;-) until sex is a more natural progression of your lustful feelings
Are you kidding me? Where do you get your FACTS?
I think that the idea of seeing a sex therapist or psychologist (after the medical checkup) would be really helpful. Sometimes even going to a couple sessions can really help with your communication and understanding of each others wants/needs/experiences. My SO and I were going through some sexual issues and going to a counselor for just 2 sessions really helped things. And if the problem IS psychological, you can both get tools on dealing with it before, during and after sex.
I also think it's great you feel like counseling would be a helpful idea, not, "Oh, if we need counseling that's so bad, blah blah." You seem to have a good attitude about it.
Good luck with everything.
@jacksjerseygirl- Everything you mentioned was very helpful and also very relieving that it may not be a medical issue. It?s nice to know that it might not be such a serious thing after all, but most importantly that it might be easily fixable with time and practice.
I like the idea of ?removing sex from the equation? because I feel that it really is pressuring us into thinking that there is a right way and a wrong way for doing things. I?m not saying either of us is new to sex, however I truly feel that being in a committed relationship has changed our entire views on sex and we find ourselves more self-conscious and have lower self-esteem than we did before we were together. That?s definitely something we need to work on! I still would like a full medical check up on the both of us just because I?d hate for it to have been something physical that we have overlooked. It would certainly help me sleep at night knowing we?re both healthy. Also, my DH and I talked about it last night and I found out his last real check up was 10+ years ago!
@kellyt89- Like I said above, my DH and I talked last night and I finally told him that the underlying cause of me not wanting sex might be the issues he?s been having. We have talked about it numerous times before, but I always leave out that that might be why and instead blame myself. He turned out to be much more understanding than I thought he would be and was somewhat relieved that there was a reason he could finally understand. So I mentioned the check up and he?s willing to go. Now finding the money is going to be the difficult part, but I also mentioned sex therapy. He was more geared towards this idea because to him it is a psychological thing. I don?t disagree with him, but after hearing that he last visited the doctor 10+ years ago, I would like for him to have a check up just for my own sanity. I would hate to miss something even if it wasn?t related to the problem at hand. Anyways, I was able to find a highly recommended sex therapist in our area that gives free consultations! I?ve never been against counseling. My theory is that this is why these people are here; to help you understand the problems that you have, work through them, and help build a relationship even stronger than before. We?ve been to one premarital counseling session before and our biggest help was communication. The DH doesn?t talk about his problems to me in general and I don?t talk about my problems to him about sex specifically. So I?m really thinking some therapy might be just what we need. Thanks for backing me up with the idea though!
Since he's super sensitive you can always try using a condom or desensitizing gel/cream for him. It may help him last longer and you may enjoy it more as well.
It sounds like you may be dissatisfied because he is not meeting your wants or needs. Try new things with him so that you can enjoy yourself as well.
My husband can not get up for round two right away either. It depends on how long it can take, but that's not abnormal.
Have fun and don't stress out.
Lots of dudes can't get it up for round 2 right away. Isn't it called the "refractory" period afterwards, where they zonk out and can't do much of anything? Don't let anyone tell you what mold to fit into. The bottom line is that you're both dissatisfied and have some options to try to rectify that. You've gotten some great advice from PP's, so best of luck to you! It's great to hear that your communication is positive and your H is on board. That is the hard part for some folks!
@jacksjerseygirl: OMG your baby is SO ADORABLE in that little snowsuit.
seriously. where are you getting this idea from?
from themarriagebed.com:
" When a man has an ejaculation (not just an orgasm), it starts what is known as the resolution phase. The resolution phase lasts from minutes to days depending on the individual. As a man ages his refractory period gets longer, but two men the same age can have very different refractory periods. "
Emerald Nuts Midnight Run (4m) 1/1/12
Coogan's Salsa, Blues, and Shamrocks Run (5k) 3/4/12
Colon Cancer Challenge (15k) 4/1/12
Purple Stride NYC (5k) 4/21/12
Run to Combat Autism (5k) 4/29/12
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Seriously? You've got to be kidding...
@kathyandphil- Thank you for the advice! I have read that it is sometimes recommended to use the condoms that desensitize for issues with sensitivity until the guy learns to control himself better and eventually can do so without the help of condoms. I?m not really sure if H would really be willing to go that route though. We have tried desensitizing cream though, but it barely worked, smelt weird, and tasted horrible! Blah! Also I do feel like I?m dissatisfied because he?s not meeting my wants and needs, but it?s tricky. I?m still figuring myself out so I have a hard time knowing how to help him help me get what I want. It?s always changing. I?m hoping a counselor can really shed some light on this as well.
@lolways- I didn?t know that the time post-round one pre-round two had a name; however I have heard of/seen the ?zonk out? time after a man orgasms, but I guess I just never attributed any of this to that when I considered there might be a problem. I?m SO thankful the H is as understanding and willing to fix the situation as he is though for sure. I know such a serious rut in a marriage can be hard to talk about and until now that was partially our problem as well. I agree with you though, I have gotten a ton of great advice from all of you and appreciate the fact that you all took the time to help.A doctor thought he had psychological problems because alcohol made him last longer? I'm telling you right now that it is very common for alcohol to cause a man to ejaculate later, if even at all. Forgive my crude language but it's called "whiskey d*ck".
Photo bomb, yeah!