December 2007 Weddings
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Moms (and not yet moms you might want to pay attention here)
To spin off what Brandi said in Heather's post below...
Did you find that after your baby was born that your priorities changed and your DH's did not? Or maybe his did in one way, but not in the same way as yours? Please share! This seems to be a common problem.
Re: Moms (and not yet moms you might want to pay attention here)
Yes (obviously) and it sucks. DH works all week, and feels that he should be able to go and play every weekend like he used to. What he doesn't get is that all day and all night, I work too. With no break. He comes home to a clean house. I cook at least 2 meals a day (3 on weekends)... we rarely go out to dinner because our budget is tight. I raise our son(s). I have had 2 girl's night outs in 2 years, and every 2-3 months when we can afford a babysitter, I do what he wants to do just to spend alone time with him. The deal is supposed to be if he goes and plays, I get to go and play that same weekend for that same amount of time. However, by the time he fills the boat with gas, buys bait, uses a tank in the truck to get to where he fishes, stops at McD's for breakfast/lunch any money that I might could use to maybe go see a matinee or get a pedi is no longer avail.
I also find it really hard to leave Bug with him, because his priority during his watch the kid time is napping and watching TV (because he is bored). So the kid climbs onto the counter and falls, or DH gets angry when Bug wants to play a game or read a book or anything because that is what he is used to and I come home to a pissy child that needs 100x more attention than he would have needed had I not gone. Because of where we live, there are ants and snakes and when I am outside with the baby, I watch everything. DH does not. So he can be on one side of the house with a loud something and not even realize Bug is on the other side, out of eye shot screaming his lungs out. I have gotten off the lawnmower when DH is supposed to be watching him, and found dried poop in the diaper, ant bites from hell, and glass being wallered in the mouth with blood coming out.
Yes. DH has a full time job. But in reality, it isn't busy for him all the time. He gets busy when he has to cut/bale hay 3-5 days maybe 5x a year, and when the cows start calving, but I am usually helping him with that along with working the cows for vaccinations and tagging and worming. The rest of the time he works maybe 3 hours a day doing day to day stuff. He hunts during work hours. He fishes for bass and bream during work hours. He shops and buys sneaky get-a-buys with money we don't have when he is at work (and hides it). When I do leave Bug with him for a dr appt, I have to make a detailed list of what to feed him, times, and things that need to be done... like I would with a baby sitter and I call and check in all the time. I have no doubt he is a good dad. I see it when he actually plays with the kid. There is true love there. He brags on him. But he gets so aggravated so easy, and his priorities are solely for himself and not his kids.
The last few weeks it has gotten harder and harder for me to bend over due to this watermelon in my belly. Baths are hard. Getting on the floor to change diapers is hard. Standing on my feet to cook and clean is hard. I know I have to have another c-section and I won't be able to do these things for weeks after the surgery. He won't ask his boss for a week off. I will have zero to very little help the weeks after the baby gets here. I am terrified. He can't cook... or lets say no one would ever want to eat what he does.
I know if I pitched a big enough fit, it could change. But walking around him on eggshells when he is perpetually pissy stinks. For every body. Yes, I want to be a mommy, and I truly believe that this is what I was born to be. I am good at it. I love my children more than I ever thought possible. But I was raised in a family that did family things together every weekend, home or away. Not 'ok, daddy is leaving today and mommy will go play by herself tomorrow'. On that same note, I DO need a break every once in a while. Even to get on the lawnmower for a couple of hours, or to groom my horses, or to lay out in the pool by myself, or a freaking nap. It just never happens. I am constantly watching my son, or being followed by him. And I also feel that because I am so freaking tired by the time I get Bug down at 8, I have no energy or desire to put into my marriage. So the baby goes down, I take a bath, Drew wants sexy time and I have no energy because I haven't had any help, and that ticks him off. I just want to rest. So he goes to the couch to watch his TV, I'm asleep by 9-10 and he comes to bed at 3 or 4, starting the day again at 6am. It's a hardship and a burden.
DH does a lot of things to help me, but they are things that he wants to do when he wants to do them, regardless of if they need to be done. For example, the porch that got started when I was on bed rest with Bug, just got done last weekend. Why? Because he started building a barn that we don't really need right now and I got upset that he couldn't finish a project that he started 2+ years ago. I appreciate that I now have a barn, don't get me wrong. I'm really jazzed about it. But I have a child that will be here in a month or less, and no money to go and buy the last few things that I need for him. And that bothers me that even though I have saved, that money is depleted and if Lane comes tomorrow, I'm screwed. All because DH got a bug in his butt to do something. Granted, he sold an old truck that he hasn't used in years for parts to get part of that money, but he still used our savings for the rest, and I think we should have had our bases covered for the newborn prior to building something that has waited this long and could wait for a little longer. If my unborn is born tomorrow, I don't even have the money to get his circumcision. (oh, and he works on the barn during work hours)
I could vent on and on, but my kid needs me. You get the jist of it all. His priorities are still on himself and what he feels he deserves, all of mine are on providing for my kids with the money and time I could spend on myself. I don't get haircuts or pedis or clothes any more. I spend it on my children. My choice, yes, but I do feel it's the right one.
::vent over:: sorry it was so long! =/
that's ok. vent away. IDK how to do it, girlfriend. I'd like to say I'd know what I would do in your situation, but the truth is who knows!? you're a great mommy and I know you will be to Lane too (EEEk! I
his name).
You have an extreme situation, IMO. In general, I don't think dads totally get what it's like for moms..SAHMs especially, but Drew is a real piece of work.
I wish I could do more for you than support you via the nest and test msgs... HUGS!
After Luke was born I became all about luke all the time. It was hard to separate tiffany the woman from tiffany the mom. I also developed anxiety about really normal things like driving. I lost myself somewhere along the way.
It was hard on Kelvin. He is a GREAT dad and a GREAT husband. He never complained about what I didn't do in the house when he came home. He ate whatever I made or picked up anything on the way home if I just couldn't find 20 mintues in the day to cook dinner. I can't complain about him in this aspect. Our kids come first to both of us. Eventually though he missed the old me and I didn't know what to do about it. It was hard on both of us for a little while and as soon as I was getting back to normal I was pregnant again and it started all over.
Now that Vivi is older and SO independent it's become easy for me to find the old me again which makes everyone happier. You might have noticed that lately I've been doing a lot of ME things (concerts, girls nights, pedis, etc) I guess I'm making up for lost time. I don't feel any guilt anymore about leaving them with my mom, sister or DH.
Because of my recent revelation i'm sort of feeling like their won't be a baby #3. I just feel done..we still hopefully adopt, but i don't think it'll be an infant.
Overall, DH's priorities didn't change in the exact same ways mine did and there was defiantly an adjustment period, but we're both so open and honest I think we made it out stronger rather than weaker.
I, thankfully, havent experienced that much of this. A few months after Emmy was born, DH and I had a rough spot, but we worked it out pretty quickly. The thing with my DH is that he doesnt know what he is supposed to be doing (even now he questions what he should do in certain situations) so he always looks to me to be the decision maker when it comes to Em. He was never around kids much so he really has no clue what the right thing to do it. Which can be tough sometimes and puts some extra pressure on me, but he will do whatever I ask of him at any time.
When Em was born, he got up just as much as I did at night with her, even though that he went to work during the day. Every other feeding was his, no matter if it was 1am or not. He would eat whatever I made for dinner, never said boo about the house or laundry or if I was a crazy hormonal mess. Have things been perfect, hell no. Does he still not think sometimes about how much work a child is, sure. But I remind him that HE was the one that wanted kids, so it is his responsibility to step up. He is great with her and has more patience these days than I do.
My biggest problem has been having this 2nd child. With the loss of Charlotte and then the miscarriage in Jan, I have been through the ringer emotionally and physically. I know DH was upset when both of those things happened, but I have taken it much harder than he has. I don't feel like myself these days and just feel crappy all the time. I really can't wait to not be pregnant anymore and get my body back to myself. I know I will be a much better mommy, wife and person when I am not pregnant or trying to get pregnant!
Baby #2 - D&E - 10/1/10 @ 19w2d - thanatophoric dysplasia confirmed.
Charlotte Lillian will be forever in our hearts.
Baby #3 - Little Bean - natural miscarriage - 1/17/11 @ 5w5d