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Split Families and a pending wedding
I'm currently engaged to my FI we have been together for about todo years and we plan to get married next year before I go to law school. The only issue his I hate (which is a strong word) his family. Hear me out before you judge or take offense.
My mother loves my FI she treats him as if he were her own son. In all actuality my entire immediate family loves my FI. We live in DC because I go to school here and my family lives in TX his family lives in DC too since this is where he is from. My FI took a trip to TX to visit me and my family to experience my life. The entire trip me, him and my mother hung out. We went to the movies, we went o the boardwalk he came to my childhood home and even washed my moms car. lol! On top of that he met my nieces and went to my sisters house he just blended in feel with my family. The most important aspect of the trip was when I took him about an hr out of the city to my fathers grave site. My father passed away when I was 13 and I swore that I would only take the man I would be with for the rest of my life because it is such a special and private place for me. So special and private I've never even been there with my mom. I took him there and showed him the church where my fathers funeral took place and really gave him the raw and uncut look into my life and my family. After that trip we got engaged.
On the contrary we have his family. From jump I knew they would pose an issue but I tried my best to keep an open mind. When I first met his sisters we picked them up from a baby shower for his oldest sister who was becoming a teen mom (19). She was in a bad mood and was rude the entire ride to drop them off. She pretty asserted her "dominance" and bitched my FI around right in front of my face. I kept quite and let it go but it didn't set well with me and after I confronted my FI about the situation he at first took it lightly and then when he confronted her about it she started crying which made him feel bad because she was pregnant and her hurt her feelings so the issue wasn't really resolved. The second incident took place after I had a miscarriage. My FI came to her in confidence about the situation and she ran back and told his mother what was going on. I wanted to rip her head off. Lastly, I tried to confront her about her issues with me and she just brushed me off like I wasn't worth of her time and hid behind her brother after she know I had enough. Even now his oldest sister complains about how he never spend time with her any more and that all his time is spent with me or working and she pouts and wines about it till my FI starts feeling bad. I have a sister who is 20yrs older than me. When she was dating and got married I knew she was living her own life so I made a very strong effort to make sure i was included in her life even if it meant having to be around her fianc?. bf, and husband who I never and to this day still don't like. But i'll bite the bullet if it means and is all about spending time with my sibling. I just can't with her at all. The thing is honestly boils down to with her is envy. She is a college drop out with a baby and a baby daddy who doesn't want anything to do with her and she has never liked to she me and her brother have a healthy and prosperous relationship. I am about to graduate college and Im working and living on my own while she is still stuck at home with a temporary job. I'm where she was suppose to be and she hates when I come around for that reason. I can see where it comes from but why it has to be like that I'm baffled by.
We ended up breaking up for a little bit and then got back together. I explained to my FI that it was important for me to establish a relationship with his family especially if we were going to stay together and get married. For a while the request ran on deaf ears and then my FI realized that he wanted the same thing so he started trying to set up for me, him, and his mother to hang out. I had met his mother once in passing and I had also met his grandfather before he passed away and his uncle. We tried numerous times to arrange for his mother to get together with us and at first it was the "o I'm too busy" then it was "ok I'll go" and the day of not show up and now its just a dead issue. This kinda makes me heated because she can find time to do other extra activities but when it comes to me its always an issue.
The icing on the cake has been how the family treat my FI. They are a large but very close family of Jehovah's Witnesses. The issue is they leach off of each other and never branch past the family. 8 of his 11 immediate family members live in the same house together. MY FI is a very independent person who enjoys his freedom and it seems like the more freedom he exercises the more they pull on him to do for them. I just can't stand when they call him and expect for him to drop what ever he is doing to cater to their needs. My FI is stuck playing daddy to his niece, husband to his mother, son, uncle, etc. and It wouldn't be so bad if there were not other men to step up and take on the responsibility but there are (his dad is still alive and around and he also has two uncles).
Right now I'm just torn. My FI alludes to me how he wishes he could just adopt my family and run from his. It hurts to hear that. He can't wait for us to move when I get to to law school so he can go away from his family and not be so disposable to them. With our wedding looming a year away I just don't want to feel this way about his family even more because my family loves my FI and I wish I could have that relationship with his family. I have tried a few times to extent the olive branch but every time they mess it up and I have honestly just given up and withdrawn from ever having or wanting a relationship with them. AM I wrong for feeling this way? Any help or suggestions?
Re: Split Families and a pending wedding
You should follow his lead on this. If he doesn't want to have much contact with his family, that is his decision and his right. Sure, it's sad and doesn't seem right, but it is also a reality. Just because someone has a genetic link to him, that doesn't mean they should have a relationship.
However, I think you still need to encourage him to stand up to his family now before you move away. If he doesn't want to be at their disposal, then he needs to tell them that now. Remeber, "No" is still a complete sentence.
Given your ages and the family history, I think you should wait more than a year to get married.
I think 4-5 years would be more appropriate, as both of you are going to change a lot during that time frame. Start/finish law school, get your career going, allow your FI to make decisions regarding his family and act on them.
You come across as immature. Yes, his sisters do sound rather obnoxious, but you aren't exactly sounding much better.
And please start checking your spelling. You won't last long in law school if this is a sample of your writing ability.
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I would not marry him at all. Things will most likely only get worse. You just described my ex and his family - are you sure you aren't dating the same dude?
Do not get married right now, at the very least, put it off for a year or so.
If your "happily ever after" dream future includes a husband with a perfect Brady Bunch family that does everything just like your perfect family does - break up with your FI and look for a new guy; his family will never live up to your expectations. They are who they are.
What I read is your Fi cannot stand up to his family, but would rather run. Distance isn't going to make him any less of a wimp. Stop trying to have a relationship with his family. I don't think you have any idea how stressful and time consuming law school is going to be and you want to get married on top of it. Also, next time you have something private your Fi needs to keep his yap shut since he knows his family gossips. You can feel however you want to feel, but my suggestion is to hold off on the wedding.
Also, what is todo years?
I come from a very loving involved family. My STBXH does not. I also pushed for a reationship with his family against his better judgement and it was a huge mistake. If he is willing to have less of a relationship with them than just accept that.
The problem will arise if he gives into his little sister's whining and manipulation. Otherwise accept that you aren't going to have a relationship with them and focus on your FI. As for the wedding, do whatever you are comfertable with. Sounds like to your face she wants to pretend like nothing is wrong and you'll have your family there to surround you with love and joy.
This exactly.
The sis is petty and jealous and his family treats you like an outsider simply because you're not from the same religious group are they are.
He's way too close to his family. He should have stood up to their nonsense a long time ago.
There's too much in the mix here. Take the above-quoted poster's advice.
Do you really want to be dealing with this for the rest of your life? Your fiance says that he doesn't want to be around his family, that he doesn't like how they treat him or you, that he wants to run off and just be with your family, but his actions tell a different story. He is deeply, deeply, deeply involved with them, from the confidences he shares with them to the role he plays in all their lives.
There's a pretty well-known aphorism: "When people tell you who they are, believe them." Your fiance's family has told you loudly and clearly who they are. They have shown you how they will treat you. Most importantly, your fiance has shown you how he'll treat you. He'll say whatever it takes to get you off his back about them, then he'll cave to pressure from them if he tries to set boundaries. From what you've posted, it sounds like he's very conflict-averse and has had the peacemaker role in his family. That's not a recipe for a man who'll stand up and have your back 100% the minute he says "I do."
I know you won't like hearing this, but you are very young. You have plans to go to law school; you lack, however, two of the prerequisites for law school, namely a college degree and acceptance to law school. What happens if you bomb your LSAT? Or you only get into a school that's far away and you have to move? You won't know whether or not you're actually going to go to law school until right before this wedding is meant to occur, right? And if your posting here is any sort of representation of your writing skills, you're frankly not a great candidate for postgraduate work at this time.
On top of that, law school is stressful. Incredibly stressful. You want to throw in a fledgling marriage and a high-drama family situation on top of studying like you've never studied before in your life?
If he's the right guy, he'll be the right guy after you get that law degree. What is the rush to saddle yourself with all this excess baggage?
I'm sorry that all you ladies wasted your time on this post.
Mrs.SM is a troll from the knot.
She posted a very elaborate story about a $5,000 engagement party for 30 people and complained it was enough because she's a well know debutante.
She's also "auditioning" flower girls on the Wedding Party board.
You can have her if you want to keep her over here though
Look a here miss. It is obvious you don't have anything better to do since you are a lonely and bitter waste of sperm and egg. I don't appreciate you trying to "harass" me and I'm not impressed. Why don't you go find a actual hobby and stop trying to come for me over the internet because it is getting really old. All the things you stated about me above are false. I never complained about my 5K engagement party not being enough and auditioning my flower girls was not my idea if you read the posts CORRECTLY! Now from your points and posts it is obvious that you have nothing better to do but stalk these message boards and give advice to others that you have no real life experience about just blind opinion and bias judgement so kill the noise. You stay off my post and I'll make sure to not point out the fact that you are utterly incompetent and a bore. I mean name calling AND over the internet at that darling WHO OLD ARE YOU?! LMAO
1. I was in a hurry posting this so excuse the errors but I'm sure it was readable and you all got the point so to the little snide comments about my competence as a writer sweethearts I've worked for two government agencies both in the correspondence office and administrative office but I didn't know I had to write a complete writing sample in order to not be "attacked" on this message board. O_0
I digress,
2. I honestly do appreciate the advice and reading them has really given me a lot to think about. I wish you all the best and thanks for your input.
In my marriage, the shoe is on the other foot. I am the one who wishes not to have any contact with my family. And I can say with conviction that I'm 1000% a happier person without them in my life.
Not all families can be like yours. Please respect his wishes to not be involved with his family. If you don't, it's very possible he will grow to resent you for it.
Be glad that one of you is lucky to have a normal family you can spend time with, and cherish the hell out of it.
To MRS smriver
You go girl tell what you think. It is Asham that a person cant write on a message board without being judged about how they write. or how it comes accross we write to get advice not to be told my grammer is wrong stop being so jugdemental when someone writes for advice its for advice its not to talk s***it .
best.reply.ever.