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*Update* FSIL outrageous email (Sorry it is so long)
My FI and I have birthdays almost a month a part. Since it's so close we usually work on our actual birthdays and do something special on a reserved day together. This year we both wanted to have a party, invite our friends and have a rowdy, good, time. Last month, we had the party. Although FSIL and FBIL were not invited initially, the fact that we were hosting a party came out at the graduation of a family member and they invited themselves. I said "No, they have caused problems before, I do not want them to ruin the night." FI said he would tell them no, which they did not take well and showed up anyway.
At the time, I wanted to tell them to leave but didn't because I knew it would cause a problem with my FI and his brother. His brother did his best to ruin the night (Pouring out my friend's drinks, wailing for an hour that we didn't make enough food, and being convinced that me, the friend that actually match us up, and my FI had a threesome.) FBIL's FI was just as bad (going on and on about her recent fight with our FFIL and how much he sucks, which I just let her say her part because I couldn't disagree more) But I just ignored both of them. It worked pretty well because at the end of the night, I had some awesome stories along with a great time. Everyone got to drink what they could handle, expect for me friend that FBIL thought we had a threesome with who passed out on our bed while my FI and I made sure she got enough water and blankets.
Today, I got an email from FSIL. This is the email with the changed names:
Hello Lavender,
The party you had last month was really fun. Other than FBIL having to keep your friends from drinking too much and the fact that you didn't make enough food, we had a great time. Knowing that you agree with me about our future father-in-law makes me think that we will be close friends and great sister-in-laws in the future.
With that told, there are a few things really eating at me about your friends. I feel I should get them out before the family reunion. Your friend that FBIL said you had a threesome with last night, I am afraid she is sexually confused. I can go as far as to say she is a sexual deviant because the behavior she had was not of a normal woman acts. She grabbed my boobs before she went into the room to have a threesome with you. That is not right, I know you and I would never act like that.
The other friend I wanted to talk to you about is your roommate. There is no nice way to say this, he has some form of autism. Maybe Aspergers. The way that he refused to socialize at the party just said it all. He wouldn't make eye contact, or even talk. That is a sign of his disability, and he needs to seek help.
I know what I am talking about because I have taken classes about both sexual deviants and special needs adults in my process to get my masters. Now that I have gotten that our of the way, I know that we will only grow closer and I can't wait to see you at the family reunion.
_________________________________________
I am in a little bit of shock on how to approuch this. Honestly, I want to tell her to f-off and call it a day. The family reunion is tonight. She has to know how much this would piss me off. She has done things like this before, she never comes after me, but she comes after the people around me. In the past, she told my FI that he needed to go to Eaters Anonymous, and offered him free counseling with HER because he needs to address his mental issues. When she did that I told her that she should think of how that would look in her future career "Therapist counseling her BIL", I mean isn't that conflict of interest? Besides that, what judge is she if he has issues or not?
She has no right to say the things she has about my friends. My best friend isn't a sexual deviant, she is a single sexy woman that gets feely when she drinks too much. My room mate, he is a socially awkward, nerdy, and doesn't really know how to react to a bunch of drunk strangers. At the party is was really different for him because he was getting ready to go to work a graveyard shift while the party was happening. He doesn't have autism. This hits harder because his girlfriend is actually diagnosed as having a very mild version of Aspergers and so he make a point to bring her out of her shell, making eye contact and such. FSIL has no idea what she is talking about.
I don't want to start a war when I get the reunion tonight because I know that she will act like the completely innocent one if I give her one dirty look about this, and she knows that in the past have not responded in the most mature way. How do I tell her to step out of my life without being a b!tch or causing a scene?
Re: *Update* FSIL outrageous email (Sorry it is so long)
The second sentence of the email was so rude as to completely dismiss the rest of it.
The accusations and analysis of your friends was so outrageous that its easy to ignore. She is so far gone that she's dangerous. Make a point of staying far, far away from her and making no comment. At all. She's a nutjob and I would knod politely and treat her like a mental patient who needs calm, kind, soft words so as to not hurt herself or others.
I'm not kidding.
I would make a point of pulling your FIL aside and say something to the effect that "SIL mentioned that I agree with her on something that put him in a poor light and it is completley untrue and inaccurate. You have nothing but respect for him and hope that he remembers that if she ever insinuates otherwise."
Anytime she tries to say something to make it appear you agree with her, you state firmly, "I'm sorry, you misunderstood me. I don't think that way about X at all." If she presses, the answer is "I'm sorry, I just disagree with you on this topic. Excuse me" and leave the conversation.
What a real peach she sounds like.
"Thank you for your inputs in your email. I couldn't disagree more to a lot of the points you made, and I have no interest in discussing them or talking about them. You have your opinions, I have mine and that's just how it's going to be." If she pushes, tell her you don't want to discuss it. As ECB says; "rinse, repeat." Walk out of the room or get into a conversation with someone else if needed. It sounds to me like you two will never be the close sisters-in-law she hopes you will.
As someone who works in the mental health field, I really feel she is not only being wildly inappropriate and rude, she's being therapeutically improper (yes, there are rules about doing therapy with someone with whom you have a pre-existing relationship). This is why I'm glad our licensing exams and qualifications are sooo damn hard - to prevent people with this attitude and sense of self-righteousness from getting into the field.
GL!!
Holy sh!t that is some passive aggressive BS. She has a very vicious sense of humour. You say she isn't saying anything about YOU, just the people around you? Did you miss the part where she said your FRIEND was a sexual deviant for grabber her boobs RIGHT BEFORE THEY WENT IN FOR A THREESOME WITH YOU? That was her way of calling YOU a sexual deviant.
I wouldn't even respond to her emails. Break contact with this psycho, and--at the reunion--pretend you never got the email. She's trying to get a rise out of you by playing mind games and pretending to be "helping you out" by putting you, your hubby, and all your friends down. She's having a good ol' time about it.
My guess is she and your BIL are playing these games because you guys snubbed them from the party (and in the past I'm assuming too).
Just stay away from them, and don't let them know that they're getting a rise out of you.
So why didn't your FI tell them to leave when they showed up?
that is some weird shiit. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as her ever again.
(eta: although I think you need to take her concern about the friend that grabbed her breast a little more seriously. Saying that your friend just gets "feely" when she gets drunk is minimizing that situation. Your SIL, no matter how psycho, has a right to be in a room without being sexually harrassed by your "feely" friends.)
Ditto. He should've immediately kicked them out.
But, damage done. FSIL is trying to get a rise out of you, so don't give her that satisfaction. Avoid her as best you can at the reunion, and if she brings up the e-mail don't talk about it. I would also block her e-mail address so that she can't contact you anymore, or set it so it immediately goes to the spam folder and you don't even have to put up with her bullshiit.
Honestly, I had a now ex-FSIL that was just like this. I took all her emails and just emailed them to everyone in the family so they all knew exactly how she felt about all of them.
Was it right? Probably not, but she shut her mouth really quick.
First of all... wow... She sounds like a peach. My MIL and I went though a similar situation in that she doesn't listen to anyone's boundries and would shoot off hurtful and wildly made up e-mails. Eventually we told her that if she continued to act like that without being willing to be adult and have an honest "boundries talk" that we didn't want to have a relationship with her.
I'm guessing that's harder in your situation becasue it sounds like your family gets together and they all tolerate her too. However if she's an IL than your DH needs to have a conversation with her and in no plain terms tell her that is unacceptable and she needs to keep her insane theories to herself. Then apraoch it with neutrality, don't engage but don't be fake, and if she shows up when she's been asked not to be there than tell her she needs to leave or you will call the cops. If you tip toe around this she will get worse and worse
I would have replied and this is why you were not invited to the party. You are wrong about everything. I consider this matter closed.
I cannot see a good end to this woman's rants and I shudder to think what tonight's conversation is going to be like with her.
Personally (right or wrong) I'd act like everything she says to me is a joke if I'd already told her to cut that sh!t out once or twice. It's all in the tone, though.
SIL: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes, Ha! You're such a stich! Of course I know you're joking!
SIL: No. For real. Your friend is a deviant and your roommate has a mental problem.
Me: HaHaHa! You are just too cute for words. They'll think it's hilareous that you said that! I can't wait to share it with them
(Moves on to talk to other people.)
--------
SIL (in front of other people): Lavendar and her DH had a threesome with her pervy friend.
Me: As IF! We could never get someone that hot! We'd be lucky to get Bea Arthur to join us in the bedroom! HaHaHa!
--------------
SIL: FIL is a big jerk- I know you think so, too
Me: Pshaw! Did you hear that, FIL? SIL said you're a big jerk! She's silly enough to think I agree. It sounds like it's time for coal in both of our stockings! (Big smile while you hug FIL)
----------
I'm sure there may be better ways to handle this, but the satisfaction I'd get out of showing SIL that her screwing with me matters not.one.bit would be 100% worth it. Trust me on this---she will seethe when she sees others laughing along with you.
I took everyone's advice into account and I just ignored her. Which worked splendly until she and her FI cause so much drama, and my FI and I couldn't ignore them. My FBIL ended up needing to his stomach pumped because he was overdosing on liquor. So I put FSIL's petty behavior aside and help FBIL's family get him to the car. FSIL refused to even help her own FI in any way when he crashed into a coma like state for a solid five minutes and a retired nurse told us he needs to be pumped if we want him to wake up in the morning. FBIL ended up kicking my FI in the face while trying to get him to the car because he didn't want to go. After we got FBIL's stomach pumped we had the ER check FI's jaw, which thankfully, it was just bruised with no fracture or dislocation. It still was the final blow for my FI.
After this email, the party, and the family reunion od, my FI and I both told each other we need to cut these two out until they regain the sane part of their brains. Which was refreshing because I was already there before the party, but my FI still had that feeling of "It's my family though." Which is why we didn't tell them GTFO now when they showed at the party. But now, I think that both of them have used up all their chances with us. It wouldn't surprise me if everyone from his side decided to ignore them until he gets help.
I did tell my FFIL and some other trusted family members about the email, one didn't believe me so I sent it to him, and they were all appalled but not surprised. Their wedding date now TBA again, and his family is nice for appearances but they are getting tired of their insanity. It is almost every family event they are doing this to someone.
You did the right thing by ignoring that hot mess.
The good thing is, now your fi is done with the trama.
Tell your FI that you won't have anyone who suggests you engage in threesome's in your home. (Nothing wrong with threesome's if you are into them, but your FBIL / FSIL were trying to insult you, and people who insult me in my own home don't get invited back), and if they show up uninvited again, either your H can throw them out, or you'll send him and his brother packing.
Thank you. It has been a long road. My FI and I finally feel like we have gotten to the scenic route without the people that would abuse us.
After this reunion we made some rules to it. Courtesy and family doesn't matter anymore. If act like that, you get treated like that, no kid gloves. Thankfully we are moving in a month so they won't know our address for long.
My FI and I attend different Al-anon groups. It really helps. It helped me get the strength and courage to accept that my father's drinking problem is not my fault so I don't have to pay for his sins. Before we washed our hands of FBIL we were suggesting Al-anon and AA for him to start to get help but he refused.
I do think we need to take a class on how to deal with insane people. I will be researching classes around the area. I am thinking of getting a few sessions from a conflict counselors on how to approach people and stand my ground.