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at what point do you say eff it?
So my mom said a month ago that she would babysit Peyton and Mara tomorrow. We have a wedding that Berkeley is the flower girl in at 5 tomorrow night in Omaha and I am at the baby fair at Aksarben from 7am until 1pm. J was supposed to come with me but now he can't get out of work. My mom calls today and can't babysit she says.
I was upset so I said I would figure it all out and hung up.
My stepdad has called twelve times today and I finally answered around noon. He proceeded to tell me I am a worthless b!tch and that maybe if I had friends THEY would be around when I need help instead of them (WTF, you are my parents....). He gives me this long lecture about how maybe I should talk to my priest about what a sh!tty person I am, etc etc.
Oh....also, my blog is going private today because apparently they read it and don't like that I unloaded my feelings on it (all of which I have already told them about how unreliable they are)....
Do parents act like this? At what point do I cut them off and be done with it?
Re: at what point do you say eff it?
I would say now is that point. It would be for me. You can only take/handle so much. I did this with my sister 7 months ago...best decision I have ever made! She has two daughters and is pregnant, but this has not hindered my relationship with my nieces.
If your mom/step dad still want to see the girls, definitely allow it, but I would rid them from your life personally if you can. It is absolutely uncalled for to be talked to that way. This is just my two cents.
Sorry that you are dealing with this...
Ah man, as if you need this (AGAIN) in your life. I'm sorry Robyn! Normal parents definitely don't/shouldn't act like this. I think if you reach the point where the benefits of having them in your life are significantly outweighed by the stresses, pain, hurt, etc. and you are really willing to not turn back, then you have probably reached that point of being done.
I hope things work out for tomorrow - figuring out childcare is probably the last thing you need with such a busy day.
I agree with this. Might be that time.
If I were going to be in town I'd come hang with your girls. We're going out of town for Kelly's 10 year reunion. Don't be afraid to ask when you need help though. You've saved me a lot in shipping costs so I totally owe you. :-)
Honestly, I would just let them go. You don't need that drama in your life.
My dad and I parted ways 11 years ago, and while I sometimes miss him, I don't miss the drama that came with him. He led a miserable life, and would say things like, "Don't tell so and so or I will disown you".
It sucks for my kids, but I am better off. I got very close to parting ways with my mom a few years back. I made it clear that if things proceeded to be the way they were, then they wouldn't be able to have contact with the kids. They made changes and we now have a good relationship.
I understand that sh*t happens, but it seems that they are constantly canceling on you, etc. Be done with it, and realize that you tried.
you should have been done with them, like, yesterday! Honestly Robyn, I know how you feel because the same shiit goes on with David's family. We haven't talked to his parents and most of his siblings since Christmas and I'm loving it. It sucks for the kids but they don't know any different. Once they get a little older and can make their own decisions, they can contact/see them if they choose to. We just had to bite the bullet and say enough is enough and we didn't want our kids around that drama/distasteful mouths, etc.
It will be better for your family in the long run. You need to look out for them first. If your parents aren't willing to change, their loss.
I'm sorry you are going through this babe.
not sure if you are still checking but im on the other side. i say never. do you need to call them and make plans or ask for their help..
now i dont know all the past drama but i think it is sad when families break up. i have a grandma that is very hard to deal with. we do not see eye to eye on anything. she doesnt recognize my skids as apart of the family and that has been are most recent argument...but after that last talk, i called her and told her i still love her and we will have to agree to disagree. at that point i was ready to never call her again. i didnt want to deal with her but she is family. she is my fathers mother and he would want that and would encourage me to stay on the positive side of the issue.
im gald i did call her after the latest disagreement and tell her i love her. just recently she was in the hospital and probably has just a few years on her ....but i would feel worse having left our last conversation being on bad terms. so i will continually call her and suck it up and show her love because i think deep down she is unhappy with life and god calls us to love one another even our worst enemies.
i think you should call your mom and just say you love her or send a card. it may not be easy to do but if your mom died today would you be happy with your final thoughts and words to her.
as i get older and i have lost a father i truly loved and i continually see the value of life is short. would you be happy with the way things would stand. also now im not saying you have to call her up and make plans to shop or ask for her assistance but i wouldnt cut her out of herr out of your life.
i guess i say all this because god would want us to shoe love to those who seem to be internally hurting . and would you want your kids to see a lesson of family is disposable if you cant get along. what if one of your daughters felt she had enough of your advice and decided to cut you out? would you be happy? granted you may not end up treating your kids as your mother treats you but you are still setting an example of love one another even when it is the hardest thing to do. in the end ....you will be the better person and can rest knowing you showed love to your family.
sorry it is long winded and i may have repeated some things but too many friends and family have lost a loved one recently and after losing my father i have had regrets of things i wish i would have done but i cant take it back but i can live better
truly loved. i continually see the value of life on this earth is short. u
i guess i say all this because god would want us to shoe love to those who seem to be internally hurting . and would you want your kids to see a lesson of family is disposable if you cant get along. what if one of your daughters felt she had enough of your advice and decided to cut you out? would you be happy? granted you may not end up treating your kids as your mother treats you but you are still setting an example of love one another even when it is the hardest thing to do. in the end ....you will be the better person and can rest knowing you showed love to your family.
I agree with this 100%.
As far as not helping out with the kids, I've had similar issues with my family. I get really jealous of friends whose parents actually help them and are there for them. DH and I just don't have that and have learned that we have to do everything ourselves. My mom doesn't understand when she shows up after an extended period of time and my kids are shy / scared of her.
I've found that having a non-family babysitter has really made me less bitter. Yes, I have to pay her but at least I know I can rely on her.
That isn't so much the issue. The issue is that they have to be begged to want to spend time with their grandkids, not that I have to pay a babysitter.
I don't think it is worth the effort to beg people who have no interest.
So don't ask them to do it anymore! Just pay someone to do it and don't rely on them. It will be their loss.
What do you think their reasoning is behind this issue?
Is it because you don't show any interest in them and only want them to be a babysitter for you?
Is it because they feel that they raised their own kids and don't want to babysit?
Are they overwhelmed because you are asking them to watch more than one kid?
Are they worried that they will feed your daughter something wrong?
This is just a wild guess on their perspective(s) since I don't know you or your family..... It doesn't make their perspective right but sometimes it helps to try to figure out what the other person is thinking.
so do you ask them over to dinner or just come over and spend time as a collective group or just to babysitm it is their choice how they want to be involved in the kids life but you can at least extend the olive branch to come over for dinner.
it may be hard to do but in the end it may be worth it..it may not be. kill them kindness.
I invite them down all the time to hang out with us, go to Peyton's tball games, etc. We also drive to GI to visit them. But when I have to beg them to come, it really sours being around them.
Trust me, this is not a matter of me ONLY asking my parents to babysit and not have anything else to do with us.
Oddly enough, the opposite is true for my trainwreck of a brother whose kids they have on a regular basis because they want to help him out, spend time with the kids etc. Weird.
I've already decided I am distancing myself from the situation right now. If they want to see the kids, they are more than welcome to but I will no longer be made felt like an inconvenience by inviting them to a birthday party, down to spend the day/weekend, etc. It's toxic and the reason I have put up with it for so long is because we are well aware of what it is like to lose a parent as my husband lost his mother, he was very close with. At this point, if we don't come to some sort of middle ground, neither side will be happy when things are said and done.
We will see them for holidays and birthdays and they can see the girls whenever, but I'm listening to my mom's sob stories of always being the martyr.
I'm on the other side....just because you share dna, doesnt mean you have to share your life with them.
I dont have much of a relationship with my mom - I maybe talk to her once every few weeks. I dont expect a lot, so I dont get hurt as much. Like you, my mom obviously favors my douchey sis, but - I figure its out of guilt on her part for blowing our lives apart. Owen has no idea who she is. The first time she met him was at his baptism, and I think he was 6 months old, maybe older. He is 2 1/2, and she has seen him 4 times. Granted, she lives in Florida, but oh well. I cant wish or hope or beg her to be different, or the mom or granny I wish she was. Once I came to terms with that, it makes it much easier to brush off her antics.
If she died tomorrow, of course I would be sad. But I also know that she knew she could come over whenever she wanted, spend time with us, retire from her job and move closer. Its not my job to force her into spending time with us. I dont have any regrets, nor any guilt from it. I've told her off several times, and I dont regret that either. She needed to hear how angry and hurt I was due to actions (or lack there of)
It gets better if you can lose the expectations of them - trust me! See them when you see them, invite but DONT beg or plead, dont ask them to babysit anymore - they will offer when they want to do it. Just gotta let it go. They are great grandparents, they probably will never be what you wish they were, and thats kind of a hard pill to take.