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Touchy brother-in-law situation
So my husband and I are in our mid-20s, have no children yet, married 2 years and both have stable jobs in education and HR. My husband's family is wonderful, with the exception of his youngest brother. (He also has a younger sister who is engaged and is a teacher.) His brother and girlfriend are both about 22 and have never had jobs that lasted more than a month or so. They have a little boy who is 18 months.
The brother and baby mama have been sucking my in-laws dry for the last few years (upwards of $40,000 annually) and all of their bills are paid by either the in-laws or the government. They also have a toxic relationship that is consistantly verbally abusive, and oftentimes physically abusive. (The abuse is by both parties.) We have always had a hunch, but recently it was confirmed when the daughter of a family friend saw them both snorting drugs at a party while in care of their child.
The thought of this makes me sick and I hurt for their little boy. My in-laws are wonderful, but they are enablers; giving them money for lies they tell, and refusing to get the law involved. They even refuse to kick baby mama off their tab. Should I do anything, as this is not my biological family, or should I report them for the safety of their child and risk tearing the family apart?
Re: Touchy brother-in-law situation
MYOB
your in laws have created monsters it is their problem not yours. your H is aware of wht you heard (not saw) he can tell his parents and let them know.
What do you think you could actually do anyway? you cant call dyfs and say someone i know said they saw something at a party. YOU need to have proof!
If you feel that they are abusing their child, and you have proof, then call CPS.
If you don't have any proof and you are just upset that mommy and daddy pay for everything, then this is an MYOB situation.
I was thinking along the lines of social services. My in-laws do know about the situation, but they are so concerned with what their son wants that I don't think that they would do anything to help their child get out of that situation.
I don't have proof, but given the brother's and girlfriend's long history with alcohol, pot and cocaine, as well as their current appearance, it seems as it is fairly regular usage and they most likely have it at their house.
I don't really want to get involved, but don't think that I could forgive myself if something happened to their child.
I don't think that they are abusing their child, but the child is witnessing their abuse and taking on those traits... kicking, biting...etc. If the family friend is telling the truth, they passed out and let other party-goers take care of their toddler though. I guess I was just looking for advice as to if this consitutes the action of social services.
This has nothing to do with jealousy of money... the only reason I brough it up is because it is creating a high amount of stress on my in-laws and is threatening to tear apart their marriage. Not that this is my business since they are enablers and are aware of a good portion of the situation.
I had a student that witnessed her dad abusing her mom and I was required to call it in. Regardless of whether or not the parents are abusing the child, allowing her to witness it is still considered abuse. If you know this for a fact and willing to deal with possible reprecussions if they find out it's you than call. CPS will determine, based on what you said, if it warrants a visit.
News flash- kicking and biting is what a lot of todders do even if they have well behaved role models as parents.
If you have reason to believe they are neglecting this child, by all means call CPS but don't expect to be able to do so anonmously. I reported my niece under similar circumstances, she is mentally ill and was frankly delusional at the time of my report. Even though I was assured anonymity, I was called to testify on the state's behalf. Hardest thing I ever did, btw. My parents were upset, my father and BIL were very angry with me since her rights were eventually terminated and she was adopted by her foster parents who are lovely people.
If it needs doing, stop clutching pearls and do it. But accept that there may be consequences down the line.
My niece was very angry with me over this initially. She threatened to report that I was abusing my own child. Here's the thing, my son has a mild form of autism and engaged in some minor self injurous behavior when anxious in high school. His math teacher- a mandatory reporter- followed the usual protocol and questioned DS who was embarrassed to be asked about his bruises and refused to answer. Clamming up is the usual MO for an older victim of parental abuse and they pressed forward with their investigation. Fortunately, they believed DH when he explained the situation and got DS to admit he'd hurt himself but it was a tough week.
This. Every referral (at least where I work) must be investigated. You, as the referent, do not need any proof. You'd be surprised what can be and often is uncovered during an investigation. Depending on the state, they maybe required to submit to a urine screen due to the allegations of drug use. If they are frequent users, it would probably come up positive. Again, this is all relative to how you state your referral, where you live, etc.
This is very true. Where I work, you can call in a referral and not state your name and still make a referral. But, if you use language such as "my niece" "my in laws" or anything that will identify who you are, then yes, they will be able to figure out who called in the referral. I also don't know if certain states have the right to tell the person who made the referral.
The family friend that witnessed the drug use - would she be willing to call CPS with you? Because I do think they should be called, for sure, but I also know how picky CPS (in some states) can be about second-hand knowledge. If it's first-hand, that might carry a different weight.
As to the finances and the ILs situation, depending on your ILs ages, it might well be a case of elder abuse. That's also worth a call to the nearest elder abuse hotline. Financial abuse is a huge issue these days and if there are any kind of threats being made ("if you don't pay for us, baby won't have food/we won't come to visit you/we'll badmouth/spread rumors about you, etc") that's grounds for action. Not sure what kind, as most of my experience is with under-18s, but it's worth looking into.
Good luck!
Thank you all for your advice! My husband and I have decided that we are going to talk to our in-laws, and if they will not take action, we will. I can't imagine what my conscience would be like if something happened to the child and I didn't do anything about it. To answer many of your questions, I have witnessed the abuse between the two adults first hand... verbal abuse, physical abuse. Its very uncomfortable and its difficult to do something when it goes both ways equally... maybe moreso physical on the baby mama side and verbal on the BIL side though.
The drug use has not been first hand, but they both have lost a substantial amount of weight in the last few months, as well as their teeth are deteriorating. In addition, they both have criminal histories with abusing drugs, so this is not a case where I am just speculating... it is very certain.
Once again, thank you for the support to go and do this, and I know it will be best in the long run.
Regardless of who will get mad with you and who will stop speaking to you. You need to report this, because that toddler is too little to ask for help, so it is our jobs as the adults in their lives to get the help for them.
File a report with CPS - they will investigate and that investigation may be just what your ILs need to face reality about the situation their grandchild is living with.
Prayers for the you and the family! Good luck!
I'm sorry but whoever on this posting said MYOB or that say anything is ridiculous. If you are a teacher, which I believe you said you were, you are MANDATED by the law to report any type of abuse of any kind.
All I'm saying is, talking to the parents are great-- but honestly you should tell them to their face as well. If that doesnt work and the behavior continue do it yourself. Think of the child and not what they will think of you.
BFP #1: 8.23.11 C/P (4w)
BFP #2: 10:21.11 EDD 6.28.11 Born 6.22.12
Calling CPS can do a couple of things really. #1: Give them a swift kick in the ass and maybe they'll clean up their act. #2 Gets the child lost in the system unless family steps in to take over custody.
It can get messy but ultimately thos two need to grow up be adults, responsible and a functioning part of society (to whatever extent they can acheive) and get clean.
The parents need to have some sense and kick BOTH of them into high gear not just Baby Mama because the out look towards your brother has probably allowed alot of this to build over time.
Of Course CPS is the "right" thing to do according to conformity but I think that if a family tried 1st to address this issue boldly and collaberate and stick to it! the out come can be much better and trusting. If not then nail their asses to the wall.
Many prayers & blessings your way