Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
What do we do?
My MIL married a man she met online and he took all her money. She
decided to leave him and go to a women's shelter. Nobody in her family
can help her...nobody except us. We are sorry for the situation she's in
but it's not a surprise. Her behavior has been bizarre for the past 5
years. When she's not happy she ups and moves, jumps from one job to the
next. We've tried to help her in the past by allowing her to live with
us but she and I didn't get along. She had moved from WI to KY to be
closer to us. I think she did it for security and figured we'd support
her. She was overbearing, didn't respect my feelings, and was driving me
and my husband apart so I asked her to leave. She went back to WI to
live with her daughter but that didn't last long. Then she went to live
with her sister in TX and got a job there. She stayed for about 6 months
and then met this guy online. He was from KY (which is where we were
stationed at) and she moved back there to be with him. At first
everything was ok until his son came to live with them. She said ever
since then money has been withdrawn from the account. When she's
questioned them they don't know what she's talking about.
She quit her job to go to school for radiology...so she knew she'd be financially depending on her husband. Obviously if he's the one working it's his money. She's claiming he's taking money from her but I'm not sure if she's telling the truth. She's just mentioned that money is missing and thinks he may have messed with the equity on their house. I don't know what she's talking about because I don't own a home. When I asked her if she contacted the bank she said that there's nothing showing that anyone did anything with the equity. If money is missing from the account maybe it's because her husband's son has access to the account or he's enabling his son. She is accusing both of them of taking money and going on shopping sprees. I don't think she'd be lying but on the other hand I wonder if she's looking for a way out of the marriage because she's unhappy. I don't know what to think. My husband got on the phone with him and he said that he doesn't know what she's talking about. He mentioned that they were living beyond their means and that's why they have no money. Also that she's accused him of cheating on her....she told us that he accused her of cheating. My husband also told him she feels threatened by his son (he was put in jail for putting a knife to his mom's throat, don't know if it's true). But he said his son has never done anything. So we don't know what to think.
We are stationed out in WA and there's nothing we can do but wire her money. She has nobody to help her. She gave her daughter $4,000 after she lost her job and yet she can't giver her mother one dime? My MIL won't turn to other family for help...I don't know why. I told my husband we'll help but that she needs to contact her siblings and see if they can help out too. If she doesn't we will. See I have no problem helping her but after this passes she's going to continue going down the wrong path. She doesn't think about the consequences of her actions. And every time she turns to us for help. Except now it's not so easy because she lives in KY and we live in WA. Before, my husband had to move her things from one apartment to the next multiple times. He bends over backwards for her and I understand that she's his mom. But when is it going to stop? With him being in the military, he can't save her every time she does something stupid. She's in a homeless shelter, she has no job, no money and she plans on continuing to go to school. She's 55 years old and she wants to become a radiologist; she's adament about finishing the program that she started 5 weeks ago. I suggested she get out of KY because she has no family there and instead go back and live with her sister in TX or near her daughter in WI. But she said then she'll have to drop her classes and she will have to pay back her grant.
We could have her come to WA and live with us, but it's not going to help her. We thought about making her my husband's dependent but we have to prove that we are supporting her. She is getting an $800 pension which is mostly being used to pay for her house and school. She's also inherited a large amount of money that I'm guessing she used to put a down payment on her house. So the military isn't going to make her a dependent if they know she's got money and is capable of working. Every time we move she would have to quit her job and find a new one. She has to work because she has credit cards and other bills that she needs to pay off and my husband and I are not helping with that. We'll put a roof over her head and feed her and would even allow her to live with us again. But we're not going to be responsible for her credit cards. Since she's never held a job for long how is she going to survive when she can no longer work? She'll get Social Security but that's not going to be enough to survive. I'm not sure if going to school at 56 years old is going to help at this point. It's only going to put her further in debt. It's better she quits now and pays back the grant than owe over $15,000 by the time she finishes. She has no health insurance so what happens if she gets sick? We are able to put $800 a month away each month and we may have to give her that money for an apartment, food, gas, utilities, etc. I want her to quit school, move by her sister, find and keep a job until she retires. But judging from her past behavior, she WILL NOT stay put and she won't be told what to do. If we don't help she is going to die or get murdered. It's like she's on the run and that even she doesn't know what she's running from. Should we help or stay out of all this mess? What would you do?
Re: What do we do?
Is your H strong enough to say no to her? If he's not that's your problem.
She sounds like a total mess and I don't see how giving her more money will solve anything. I also think that calling her siblings and asking them for money is ridiculous, her bad choices are no more their problem than they are yours.
As hard as it may be, it's time for some tough love. Helping her financially hasn't helped before, why would it now?
She is an adult and needs to learn how to take care of herself. I agree with you that going to school at this point doesn't make much sense, but she needs to figure that out on her own. Be there for her emotionally, and give advice if she asks, but do not help her with money.
Helping her (giving her money, helping her move, letting her move in with you, etc) = enabling her. Why would she want to be responsible and to take care of herself when someone else is going to do it for her? Stop doing all you're doing. She'll have a rough adjustment period, of course, but she'll adapt and learn how to take care of herself. And at 55, it's high time.
Stay out of it. ALL of it.
I would only be willing to lend or give her money if there was full disclosure and a plan we agreed to. For you, the plan should include mental health counseling for her and a full understanding of her income and financial obligations. You and H should develop the plan together, and MIL has to be willing to agree to it. In the end you aren't doing her any favors if you don't get to the root of the problem, but rather just give her $.
She's paying on a house while living in a DV shelter?
Money is missing from her bank accounts and the accuser hasn't offered a valid reason? Shocking. Who's names are on the accounts? Has she reviewed the banking records? What, exactly, does she think is missing.
It sounds like she needs a divorce and to split her assets. I'm sorry if a DV shelter is her only option right now, but she's created that for herself and seems set on continuing with school and that means she needs shelter in the area - and its a perfectly safe place to be for a while.
I'd contact the DV shelter for available services. This complicated situation really boils down to her needing an attorney to file for divorce, split her assets and find afforable housing. They should be able to help with that or point her to who can.