Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Can't Stand my SIL
My husband and I are newly weds and we've been together for five years. I get along really well with most of his family, but his sister, I can't stand her! I find his sister to be a selfish, attention hungry, delusional liar. She and I have never completely gotten along but once we annouced our engagement, it was like something in her just snapped! I know it is hard when your younger brother gets married and you've never gotten there. That will make you act a little nuts but she was completely disrepectful to me! When she would introduce her brother to people she would say Here is my brother, oh and that's Ricki... apparently I'm a that to her. She decided to introduce the boyfriend she literally picked up because my hubby and I got engaged, to the family AT our engagement party. She had been hiding him for weeks! We actually met his kids before we met him... twice! How am I supposed to take that? My husband and I had a strict policy of no children at our wedding, we put it in the save the date, the invitation, on every page of the wedding website and we told her multiple times before the wedding date, all the way up to two days before the wedding. Her idiot boyfriend that we'd only met about 3 times, brought his two kids. My aunts didn't get to dance at our wedding with thier husbands because someone had to watch the kids, but this jerk, who apparently walks on water or something, can bring his kids? It was a difficult decision to make it was even harder having to explain it to everyone in our families, the only kids that were coming we actually in the wedding party and that included her daughter so why were his kids there? I was pissed. She sat them in the front row, every time I looked past my husband, I saw two uninvited guests that were also under the age limit of 21! It was insult to injury. At that point I realized she does not respect me and what little respect I had for her, was gone. I guess it had been building for quite some time. All the little petty things that culminate with one huge offense that otherwise would be forgiveable. After a month, my husband called her because we heard some really nasty things her boyfriend said about us on our wedding day and my husband wanted to talk to his sister about it. Then she apologized. She cried and said she wanted to put it behind us. I kind of felt like if she was really sorry, she would have called us. She also told my husband to tell me that she was sorry.... Like I don't deserve an actual apology from her? What she did was a first hand slap in the face offense, I'm not going to accept a second hand apology. I know it's hard on my husband and I don't want him to feel in the middle because she is his sister, he'll always love her, and he should that what family does, but I"m done with his sister. There was a lot building up to this and there is a lot of hurtful things that were said and done. I won't lie I've said things to her that she probably didn't want to hear, none of it was unwarranted. I'm done with her.
Re: Can't Stand my SIL
Of course it's always up to you what you do but I think you're being a little dramatic about things. Yes it sucks that she let her new boyfriend bring his kids to the wedding (I would have been mad about that too), I don't really get the anger over him coming to your engagement party, seems like a good time to introduce someone you're dating imo. The boyfriend bad mouthing you guys is uncalled for and I'd be pissed at him for that but your SIL did apologize and the crying makes me believe that that was heartfelt, I don't know if she really needs to apologize to you as well, even though it would be a nice gesture.
You've just gotten married though and people act weird around weddings (no excuse for rudeness but I think if it were me I'd take the apology and see if things change. You don't need to be best friends but I don't know if I'd cut her off for this stuff right after your wedding. What does your H think of you cutting her out of your life? Does he care/on board/ he'll go to family stuff without you?
O.k. You need to put a few things in perspective.
We actually met his kids before we met him... twice! How am I supposed to take that?
I don't get this or why you're taking this personally. Why does the order in which you met them matter? What kind of offense is this? On this issue, you're looking too hard to find something wrong.
My aunts didn't get to dance at our wedding with thier husbands because someone had to watch the kids
That's the aunts choice. No one forced them to watch the kids. And I'll also add - I've never found it horrible to not be able to dance w/ my DH at someone elses wedding. This isn't some "marker" that we have to meet in our marriage.
Yes, he was rude to bring his kids. I don't discount that. But at the same time, don't overblow the importance of your aunts and uncles dancing together either.
She sat them in the front row
Why didn't someone move them?
To a point, a lot of this could be handled if someone (oh, like your DH) actually stood up to her and told her "no". On the wedding day itself, that shouldn't have been your DH, but the other times, before and after your wedding, where was your DH when his sister was so horrible to you?
I kind of felt like if she was really sorry, she would have called us.
Eh, she could have been embarassed too which makes it hard to call. It seems as if she is sorry, though, and you need to work w/ that. Don't get hung up on "who called who".
All that being said, I do agree with:
She also told my husband to tell me that she was sorry.... Like I don't deserve an actual apology from her?
Yes, you do deserve an apology. And yoru DH needs to tell his sister that while he appreciates her apology, things won't be right w/ you until she apologizes directly to you.
And if he does do this and if she does approach you, you need to make an effort to hear her out and you need to try and be open minded.
You just married your DH. You don't want to go into a life of family strife. If she does make an effort, be open to it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Well, ECB took care of all the points I wanted to make, especially the kid and wedding dance issue. Please.
You lost me at...I know it is hard when your younger brother gets married and you've never gotten there...
You sound like a drama queen.
Add another vote for you being petty and overdramatic.
I find it really sad that you admit your husband is in the middle and loves his sister, so by you openly hating her you make him feel like crap. That's exactly what good, supportive spouses do to one another.
Nothing she has done sounds that egregious, she apologized and wants a fresh start, just give it to her. If she annoys you that much in the future, limit contact. But don't b*tch to your husband about every petty thing she does that bothers you, pick your battles.
You know, when you are chatting with your BBFs about how your new SIL ruined your wedding you can just throw out details willy-nilly because they are willing to agree with anything you say. Here, though you need examples. If you don't you look like a judgey judgenson throwing out dramatic sayings to get your way.
Honestly, take as someone that has been the SIL you can't stand and the one that can't stand the SIL, get over and try to have a relationship with SIL despite her flaws. I am not saying that you should let her verbally abuse you, but I think this might be a lot of hurt feelings on blanket statements. She is your H's family, and you can't choose when both of you are done with them, he does. If you try to, you will cause conflict with your H. Take as someone that knows, it will make your marriage about you, your H and his sister. Do you really want that?
If you don't. Use the phrase "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." and watch her, cover your butt about and around her, and let your H see who she really is. OR you can find that all the feelings you had before about her are untrue and she can, over time, become a best friend you never had. Both are true stories of what happened to me with my SILs from both sides.
Hmmmm. You might not like your SIL, but how much of this is actually due to the fact that the boyfriend is a clod, and it sounds like not a very good father to boot?
I mean, you met the boys twice before your met the boyfriend/dad? What's that about? Was SIL babysitting for her boyfriend? Considering that the dad probably only gets the kids every other weekend, is it too much to ask that he actually use those weekend to SPEND TIME with his own kids, indstead of dumping them on his girlfriend? Ditto the wedding - he couldn't switch with his ex, get a sitter, and instead relied on your wedding as "entertainment" for his kids? I'm not saying your SIL is blameless for the kids showing, but I'm not crazy about the boyfriend, either (mostly b/c he seems like a douche of a dad).
I think you are over-reacting to some things, and maybe even looking for drama. Inviting the boyfriend to your engagement party isn't that bad, IMO, and neither is not exactly knowing how to introduce you. And it's not your SILs fault that their husband's didn't go to your wedding instead of hiring a sitter. It's obvious you don't like SIL - can you blame her boyfriend for not liking you?
I might demand my own apology, but aside from that I think you need to let a lot of your anger go.
"A women who can kneel before the Lord can stand up to anything"