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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
you ladies will set me straight.
My father is a heavy smoker. He constantly REEKS of smoke. It's disgusting. He's staying at our house right now. I put a blanket on the couch so he won't get it all nasty and smoky and smelly. I asked him to just sit on the blanket.
He said that is rude and refuses to sit on the blanket. Is it rude to ask him not to stink up my house?
Re: you ladies will set me straight.
Why is he staying at your house? I'd think as a guest he would want to be appreciative and gracious of your hospitality and respect your wishes ... instead he is clearly being the rude one.
And really, how hard is it to sit on a blanket?
Yep.
Dear Dad,
I appreciate that you will not entertain the idea of quitting smoking. Our family is happy to host you in our home but it is our home. And we have rules in our home which include: you must smoke outside and make attempts to not carry smoke back into our home; you cannot smoke in the car with our family; in an attempt to save our furniture you must sit on a blanket or we will cover the sofa in plastic. It would also help to remove carcinogens (or whatever they are) by frequent showers and changing your clothing. They can be breathed in by non-smokers which increase their risk of cancer.
Are these requests personal, invade your privacy, and border on being offensive to you? Yes. However, our home is personal, you are invading our privacy and impacting our health. Please respect us and we will respect you.
Sincerely,
Your Daughter
There really is no other options. This is YOUR home. He has the option to quite smoking or find some place else to stay. And before you say ... oh he can't go anywhere ... then I guess he better quite smoking or abide by your rules hadn't he? Because if he is willing to be on the street or leave before respecting your family - that tells you a lot.
Nobody has ever objected to it, not even my xH who smoked a lot.
He is rude for not complying.
"I don't want my home to smell like smoke, so I guess it's better that we meet in a different location (restaurant, bar, park) and you stay in a hotel if you're coming to visit us." End of story. No apologies, no explanations, no arguments. Hang up the phone or walk away if he turns it into a fight.
If he gets mad, well, tough nuts to him. It's your home and if he wants to visit then he has to respect your rules. You don't have to put up with his smelly habits just because telling him otherwise would hurt his feelings. He's certainly not worried about YOUR feelings here, is he? So he doesn't deserve the same courtesy in return.
this is what febreeze is for. your couch isn't going to reek of smoke forever just from having him sit on it (i assume he is smoking outside). this is not a hill to die on.
ffs
I agree it's disgusting. I don't think it's rude unless it was said rudely or put out there in a way that felt degrading. I think putting a blanket across the entire couch (the way grandmother's do with whole quilts) would have solved it, instead of pointing out that he smells and is regulated to a single couch cushion draped with a blanket. Of course, I'm not there to know how it was handled..it's just an example how we can make a request more favorable or more insulting.
I know making a home smoke-free doesn't keep the smells away if the person takes a cig-break outside and comes back in. Invest in some Fabreeze during the visit, and next time don't host at home.
No, it's not rude to ask him to smoke outside or what have you. However, if he "reeks" of smoke, why did you invite him to stay at your house? I have a feeling that the only way to make him not "reek" is for him to shower and change and then not smoke.
Is this realistically going to happen? No.
So, you have to work with that. If you don't want him to reek in your house, then don't invite him over.
I also agree- next time, put the blanket over the entire couch. And/or have some Febreeze ready.
But really - what did you expect? You aren't going to be able to change him. Work with who he IS, not who you want him to be.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
No it's not rude to ask him to smoke outside.
About the blanket though, are you putting it on one little spot on the couch or covering the whole couch. If it's the whole couch then I don't see why he would ever question sitting on it, everyone would sit on it and you can wash and febreeze the blanket afterwards. Putting it on one section that is designated "his spot" that's weird and even though it's completely your right as 'home owner/smoke hater" I would say it's a little much and a bit rude.
This is what I was going to say. My dad and a few friends smoke and I really isn't a big deal.
Let me start by saying I HATE SMOKE! I was very tempted to do something similar when my father visited recently. However, if someone is an invited guest in your home it is rude and ingracious to make them sit on a blanket. Completely understand the urge to do it though. Febreeze can get the smell out or you can get carpet cleaners to clean your couch. On that note, it is perfectly acceptable to not allow him to smoke in your home.
buy a couch cover he can't take off
anything that starts off with "you stink" is rude
Dh smokes outside & febreeze's himself when he comes inside. Works wonders. I also febreeze the couch.
Maybe also run an air purifier when he is in the house?
There is no way on God's green earth that I would ever allow a smoker who "reeks" into my house, much less let them smoke. No way, no how. My MIL smokes and she goes for a walk when she feels the need. She doesn't smell of it, either (and I'm super-sensitive, so I'd notice). I also don't allow dogs or any other cats other than our own.
My feeling is, "our house, our rules" and DH backs me up on that.
If I was in your situation, there's no way he'd be staying with us. I'd help him with a hotel or find an alternate solution, but as much as I love my dad, and as much as I'm sure you love yours, it might be rude but standing up for yourself is important and worth it.
I'm sorry, but I have literally no sympathy for smokers. Mean, yeah, maybe - but true.
I think you have plenty of advice here - - but I'll throw my two cents in too.
Both of my parents smoke as well and I told them before I got my first apartment that they would have to smoke outside. And they did. The rule still stands to this day, although in the winter, I do have a heart and allow them to smoke in the garage. Keeps them out of the weather and the smoke still outside. It reeks of motor oil and brake cleaner all the time anyway
lol. My dad used to always tell me growing up - my house my rules - when you get your own place then you can make the rules!...well by golly that is exactly what I did! Its a long running joke now. He'll "complain" about having to go outside and my response is always "don't like the rules? There's the door!"... we laugh and continue on our merry way. Good memories now 