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how have others handled this situation?
Hi everyone,
Just wanting to pick a few brains in hopes of tips or advice on making a not so fun situation a little more tolerable. My husband and I just did a DITY move and we previously came from a furnished rental. We are starting from scratch, but I have tried my best to make this easier on our bank accounts. We got married not long ago, and that certainly did a fair share of draining our money cushion. Prior to moving to our new location I did a lot of bargain shopping for good deals on used furniture pieces for our new home. I re-do furniture, and it is something I love to do. In this situation in my mind it was a win win situation! My husband went along with it for a while, and then started to say... I don't want to have to bring alllll that stuff on the move. Ummmm ok. . I could already see us getting settled into our new place, and not having the things we NEED. . going to buy them at our new location, and hearing " :-( oh no this is so expensive." So, it's safe to say we disagreed on that. However, I do my very best to let him be the man in this move... and learn on his own that maybe I have the right idea. Moving along... We started our move and finally we got to our new home. It is gorgeous, but we have slim to no furniture. We have an amazing armoire that I bought for $ 25 ( was $350 new ) and did some touch ups to make it like new for our home. We had a bed that I got from my parents storage ( probably close to the same age as me, and harder than a rock.) His parents whom have two homes would not let us borrow their bed ( I forgot to mention we are only located in this location for 8 months before relocating to overseas so what we borrow is literally just that borrowing for 8 months). We had a little pub sized bar table with two small backless stools. Which works for the time we need it. We have a new TV that I got a great deal on. We have a desk which I also got cheap and refurbished. aaaand we have tons of beautiful pottery barn pieces, dishes, and misc. decorative items I have purchased over the years. Now here we are in this new home with an armoire. ( Tv isn't plugged in yet because we do not have cable or internet yet.) Two small stools suitable for sitting to eat, a rock hard bed with sheets. ( He didn't want me to purchase a comforter eight months ago because we didn't need it yet. Now we don't have one.) and lots of decorative things sitting around on the floor. No couch, No chairs, No dressers, No night stands... nothing. Today I went to used furniture stores looking for SOMETHING to sit on. A couch.. well I find one for an amazing price... he comes to look and it's " Not that comfortable" I realize that hunny but... I CAN'T stand forever. No.. we don't want to get that ok.. Next store.. We find the same sectional we wanted to buy months ago, but didn't purchase due to him not wanting to move all of these things. Side note: In the process of our move he had me help move every item out of one vehicle at a weigh station in 100 degree weather into on truck/ uhaul vehicle just to get that extra weight for the money we will get for our DITY move.. To me that screams wow we should have bought the furniture slowly over the last six months, and moved it down here for that extra weight. Anyways.. we are looking at this sectional yes we like it ok.. let's get it. Well Just my luck.. at that second my bank calls.. There has been some fraud accessing accounts and they had to block my card, and send me a new one. HAHA awesome... this is great. He then tells me we don't have much money at all until the next pay check. What? Now in my head numbers are flying around.. him wanting to eat out hear.. him needing golf clubs even though he golfs twice a year maybe. him taking the boat out every weekend and filling up that gas tank. I am just getting frustrated. Not to mention his father whom I have known my entire life, because my husband and I have been together since we were 13 years old. .his father is I hate to put it this way, but a big fraud. Has a business, but you never actually see this business nor do you see him work, or his employees.. has cars " stollen" every other year.. yes that's a whole other story. His father has asked my husband last year before we got married if he could borrow around 150,000 dollars to invest in land. My husband has plenty of money.. he just gave it to his dad which to be honest I know we will never get back. My husband is blind to it, but some day the truth will come out, and until then all I can do is be supportive, and protect our money now. So my question is ....how did you save money here and there.. how did you stay positive. How can I make sure we have the things we need, and be more supportive of him and myself. I am starting to feel myself fall down into this rut, and I don't want to be that kind of a person. I know if you don't know the person reading all of this could sound extremely shallow, or it could make exact sense if you have been in the situation.
I just want any thoughts, or personal stories of your own in this kind of a situation. How did you help it, and what did you do to get through it. I wanted to try this route before I start selling any of my personal things for some extra savings for us.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
Re: how have others handled this situation?
Wow, I am sorry you have to deal with this. I have a few things,
First of all. We need you to put some more paragraphs. You have a real problem and people wont read a huge paragraph like that, it is hard to concentrate. (Not to be mean, but it is)
I would have a hard time being supportive of someone who isn't as excited about taking care of you than he is about his family. It doesn't sound like you are his top priority, quite honestly. He wont let you get things you need for your home but it is okay for him to buy 2 new golf sets a year?!?! That is outrageous.
Have you both communicated about the spending issue? Do you have a budget? This is something that really needs to be discussed between the both of you, so you can work something out. I am also willing to bet that he doesn't see his income as "our" money but "his" money.
To answer your question though, I would recommend that you get a job and put your checks in a separate bank account where he can't touch it, I don't think that he can be trusted much.
ETA: I changed my post since I reread the OP.
67/200
Ditto all of this and I would also add that it doesn't sound like he communicates with you about the household finances very well. There are resources within the military to help be better educated about financial decisions and it sounds like he could really benefit from that.
However, communication is a huge deal within ALL aspects in the marriage. You may want to think about nipping that in the bud before it becomes a bigger problem than it already is.
28/100
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Ditto, it was hard to read.
I had an issue kind of similar to this, but not as extreme. DH and I have started making monthly budgets and it really works. You make a budget at the beginning of the month, attempt to stick with it, and by the end see how closely y'all were able to line up. It has really worked so far.
I'm not a fan of separate bank accounts personally. I think instead of just saying, "fine we'll separate OUR money" you should do monthly allowances. It isn't him giving you money, it's you both getting a share. He can spend his on golf clubs and you can spend yours on whatever house furnishings you want. I highly recommend the two of you doing the financial peace university by Dave Ramsey (his website also has budgeting tools for free!).
Your husband needs to understand that you're his wife and frankly, taking care of you is more important than taking care of mom and dad. And I get the feeling that he has the mind set that it's HIS money (is he the sole bread winner?) but it isn't. Even if you don't work a day in your life, it's still partially yours.
Now about you, I think that you're expecting too much since you came from having a house full of furniture and decor. I am in the same position as you, starting from NOTHING. I don't even have dishes. You're gonna have to DIY some craft projects, Salvation Army and Goodwill shop for furniture, check out the free section of Craigslist and basically live with hand me downs for a while. It really isn't that hard to spruce up thrift items anyways. It is disappointing because I know as women, we want our home to be as nice and comfortable as possible. But if you show your husband that you're willing to do without some things, I'd bet he would be more relenting on others.
Good luck!
Wait, are you still in the place you're only living in for 8 months?
Your husband sounds like a cheapskate but you sound like an 19 year old who got married because you thought being a grown up sounded like fun.
I'm honestly not sure what to tell you. You're a child and you're married to a child. I don't think that resolves itself easily.
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I find your situtation rather odd. It honestly makes no sense. Financially, it makes no sense to buy and sell new furniture every time you move to a new place. Yes, you should purge and get rid of things you don't use. Selling everything is ridiculous.
Y'all need to sit down and talk about money TOGETHER. Don't just listen while he talks. Come up with a monthly budget. Set an amount to put aside each month for savings. While you are at it, set aside a certain amount each month for house hold items. Get a comforter for you bed this month (how it was an option to go with out a blanket on your bed leaves me clueless). Find a couch on CL or at a garage sale next month.
You also need to talk about things like loaning his dad a freakishly large amount of money before the money leaves the account. H and I have an agreement that we don't spend more than $200 with out talking to the other one about it first. My husband doesn't have to have my permission to spend money, but it is a courtesy since that money is supposed to take care of the needs of our family and not just him.
I think it would honestly be best for the two of you to seek out a financial counselor.
this was my thought. YH had 150 THOUSAND dollars and just GAVE it to his dad without a contract or anything? I would be pisssed... to just be ok with never getting back that much money seems crazy to me.
But yet he's hemming and hawing over the minimal amount of furnature you want to, you know, sit on?
You guys need to sit down and have a come to Jesus talk and get on the same page regarding fiances- like yesterday.
furnishing your house is really the least of your issues here.
(as far as saving money, we set up and automatic transfer to two savings accounts- one for big purchases and trips or whatever, and the other one is our e-fund)
I changed my name
I would want to know if your H is on that property or if he actually "gifted" all 150k to his father. The donor is responsible for paying taxes on that shiz if it's a gift. Is there anything in writing saying this is a loan and not a gift?
You need to meet with a financial advisor/counselor and at the very least, figure out your budget together NOW.
This is what I'm having issue with. I can't even fathom my H doing this in the first place. We don't give out "loans" to anyone. If the bank doesn't think the person is fit to have the $$ then they are SOL.
OP - KC and Ojo are right. You have a serious H problem and all of that behavior would be a serious deal breaker.
Maybe this is why she is so nonchalant? lol
Heck, putting money into my IRA each month makes me drink because I know I won't see that money for a long time. I would need an intervention if this happened.
Holy hell. You are in a world of trouble if you don't get this straightened out with your husband like NOW!
I'm pretty much just going to echo what the other girls have said: communication and budget. Clearly there is some serious lack of communication between you two about money..it's like you are being super thrifty and he is either being super frugal or super careless about the money.
Do you work? Does all the money go into one account or separate accounts? DH and I have a joint checking account that all of the money goes into (I work full-time also) and then we each have our own individual savings account that we transfer an equal amount of money into each month (usually $75-$100) and we can choose to spend/save that money however we damn well please. For us, this plan works perfectly. We also budget everything out by sitting down the first weekend of every month and seeing what bills we have and what we will have left over to save up or whatever.
I would LOSE MY MIND if my husband lent anybody $1,000 without telling me let alone $150K!!!!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding me?!?!?! That is so disrespectful to you, HIS WIFE! His #1 priority..at least you should be and clearly you're not. And how he can justify golf clubs over a couch for you to sit on just blows me away too. He needs to reevaluate his priorities.
I don't really know what to tell you other than I'm sorry you are dealing with thus huge financial stress along with moving and a husband who doesn't seem to care about your well-being. Start communicating now, REALLY communicating, and setting up a budget, stick with that budget, and see if things start to turn around (financially, anyway). Good luck hun.
I think you answered your own question earlier: she and her H aren't financially smart. That's not a bad thing at your age OP, but now that you are married it's time to whip both of you into shape. I echo the pp who mentioned a financial counselor and Dave Ramsey.
DH gave MIL 2K once, but we talked about it before he did it. She had just lost her house in a fire so of course I wasn't saying no, even though I know we'll never see that money again.
I would castrate my husband if he gave $150k away.
67/200
My husband had the 150k through numerous investment over the years. His grandparents came from money, and he had several thousands saved by the time he was 18.
He put around 50,000 into farm land right after high school. He was basically paid for certain land that the county doesn't want farmed. They in return pay you to own the land, and not farm on it. We aren't idiots like some seem to think after reading the post. I was not able to transfer my job to this location so I won't be working these eight months. We both have our own accounts, and along with one account together ( which is used to write checks for bills, rent, insurance etc. ) Both of our vehicles are paid for, and like one of you said if you can't afford it then do not buy it. That is the motto we have gone buy from day one, and that is why this thing with his father is not only a shock to you. It is to me also.
His dad asked to borrow the money to also invest in land. My husband would do the same for me if I had asked for the money to do something like start my own business. My brother owns his own company as a leading financial advisor, and I have been very cautious my entire life to save my own money. I did not get married because I thought is sounded like fun, and to be honest this website is not about adults seeking low blows so they can be hesitant to speak out next time they have a question. I don't think it's about commenting to make someone feel stupid, and I myself would not have commented on anyones post in that manner.
I thank you all for your input I am sorry I didn't appropriately paragraph haha. I just kind of went on a type fit and didn't think to do so.
Thanks for all the advice, and hope everyone who reads is doing well.
HOW. OLD. ARE. YOU?
So, your husband "would do the same" for you, you think? I don't think he would. He doesn't respect you or your opinion. If he did, he would have talked to you before he gave away $150,000, which is, you know, like the cost of a house in many places.
I'm being very serious when I say I don't see your marriage lasting. I'm not saying it to be mean, but because you need to protect yourself. He violated your trust and through that one single action (giving away the money) he showed you very clearly how he feels about you. My ex-husband was similar on a smaller scale. I was only an A1C, so I made less than $2k/mo, including dependent rate BAH. He would go out and buy himself books, Ralph Lauren clothes, and after I fell asleep at night, he'd leave the house to go out for fast food...on a frequent enough basis that it totalled a lot of money. He didn't respect me. I'm glad I realized that before I had kids with him. It made the divorce a lot easier and I'm not stuck with him by means of child custody agreements for the rest of my life.
If you don't want to hear our answers, don't ask your questions. This is why it's a good idea to lurk on an internet forum before jumping right in.
The title of your post was "how have others handled this situation?" Honestly, most of the posters here haven't dealt with a problem that is of the same magnitude as yours, but some of them have dealt with a problem that is of the same nature. As such, they've given the best advice that they can based on their own experiences.
Here's where the disconnect lies.
This is what you think your problem is :
"So my question is ....how did you save money here and there.. how did you stay positive. How can I make sure we have the things we need, and be more supportive of him and myself."
This is what everyone else thinks your problem is: (I'm choosing Killer Cupcake's version)
"You have a husband problem, not a money problem. Sorry to say."
It's not about being happy it's about being COMFORTABLE and able to LIVE in YOUR HOME! Couches, shower curtains, blankets for your bed...not exactly excessive and unnecessary purchases. A $5000 couch? Yes, unnecessary. A $250 couch? Totally doable.
Also, I read through all the other replies to your OP and I really don't think anybody was being immature or malicious in their responses to you. Given what you initially said, I think everyone offered you solid advice. We can only go by what you type..and what you wrote was pretty shocking! Nobody said you were stupid, only that you and your husband seem to have some serious miscommunication/lack of respect about the finances in your house. The #1 reason couples divorce is MONEY!
Another thing I'm having trouble understanding is the fact that apparently your husband comes from all this money and has thousands upon thousands of dollars and investments and I'm assuming you have some saved up since you claim you are very cautious about your money (which is great). So, if you are both sitting on all this $$$$ then why are there even arguments about purchasing simple, basic things for your home? It just seems so ridiculous to me. I'm not saying go crazy and spend an obscene amount of money on things, but if my husband had over $150,000 in the bank and gave me crap about buying a comforter for the bed...ummmmm..does not make sense. Again, I'll stand by what I originally said and say communication and budget seem to be your biggest problems.