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Feeling trapped by BFing
I'm sitting here waiting for a firewood delivery man that said he would be here by 9:45. Tynan was sleeping until 10, but is now fussing and is hungry, since he last ate at 7. But, I can only feed him from a bottle now in case the delivery guy finally does show. Which means I'll have to pump because otherwise I get too engorged, and now I add washing all the pump and bottle parts to my list. And now, trying to figure out logistics of going back to work, when and where to pump, how to store the milk, and bottle prep for daycare just seems daunting.
Other people supposedly get this great connection with their baby through breastfeeding, and I just feel like we don't really connect that way. We had a rough first 3 weeks just getting him to latch without causing me serious pain, and because of oversupply and overactive letdown, nursing takes 5, maybe 10 minutes tops. I'm not really enjoying anything about this process.
If it wasn't healthier for him, I wouldn't be doing it anymore.
End vent. Thanks for listening to me whine. I feel slightly better 
Re: Feeling trapped by BFing
BFing is the most exhausting thing I've ever done. I would give birth 10 times over before I would take on BFing again. I just weaned at 14 months old and while part of me was sad, a HUGE part of me was so relieved to be me again without that commitment.
I agree - I don't feel any more bonded to my daughter than I did to my son (who was FF because after 7 weeks of issues we just couldn't make it work and that was the best decision for us), and instead I felt incredibly trapped for the past year. One thing to note - if you want to keep going, get yourself brave and just nurse wherever you are. Once I got over the fear of nursing in public things did get a LOT better. I've now nursed on planes, in airports, at the zoo on a bench above the seals (yep, that was me), restaurants, people's houses, you name it. Aden & Anais swaddle blankets are huge and work as perfect nursing covers b/c they are big and breathable. Buy yourself a few cute nursing shirts to wear out in public when you might have to nurse.
My little one refused bottles after about the 2 month mark, so I was her ONLY source of food/milk until she finally took a bottle again at 12 months old. It was hell. I was the only one to do every wake up, etc. It sucked. And in reality, she's less healthy than my son who was FF.
All that to say - hang in there! Just do what you feel is best for BOTH of you - you have done a great job to BF for this long, and if things start to fall part do NOT feel guilty if you need to stop and switch to formula. A happy mommy is MUCH better for baby than a stressed out and unhappy one. Believe me - I made that decision with my son and after this past year wish I had done the same with my daughter b/c I'm exhausted and dealing with some nasty anxiety/PPD side effects after it all.
"It's not a sprint, it's a marathon." - Alex & Ani bracelet
My blog: Dodging Acorns
Just want to say that I completely relate. I had twins in August and I never felt like I connected with them through BF and at the time felt guilty for admitting that. I pumped mostly because they had problems latching and I hated every minute of it. I did it for about 6 weeks and then switched to formula. I felt like an horrible mom for not wanting to BF but looking back it was the right decision for me.
Good luck with whatever you decide and remember it does get easier!
Here is my 2 cents on it.
If you truly feel tapped and are worrying about it, then stop. I pumped for2 wks with Ella and hated every second of it. I was miserable, she was miserable. so I started FF. I think that as women society (and this board) has put so much pressure on us to "do the right thing." Well, the right thing is what works for you and your baby. Unfortunately, nobody on here is going to say that to you.
I FF and my child has had less illness than my sister's best friend's child who was BF for one year. He had tubes put in his ears at 3 months old and has allergies up the wazoo, including a severe peanut allergy that warrants her carrying an epi pen.
I don't believe that formula or breast milk is best. I just believe that having a happy mommy and happy baby is what is best. Nobody says you have to breast feed until your child is 1. Do what makes you happy.
Stepping off my soap box now.
ditto.
I've never bf'd, never wanted to - and I've said that in the past on this (and several bump) board(s).
ALL of N's issues are congenital, and have nothing to do with getting formula over bm. J was very, very rarely sick - she had h1n1 at 10months old and her first ear infection when she was well past 2 -- NEVER had so much as a drop of bm. As for those who claim the only way to bond with your child is bf'ing, they're cracked. I'm far more bonded with both of my children than a lot of women I know who bf. My kids were even in the NICU for the first week (and week +) of their lives and I was still extremely bonded to them then, while FORMULA feeding.
My kids' pediatrician has said that as long as you are feeding your child, and they're growing, then it doesn't matter HOW you choose to feed them. Breastmilk, formula.... just feed your child!
While I was one who breastfed exclusively for 6 months, and then continued for more than a year with each child (Shannon weaned fully at 14 months; I'm still BFing Kyle 2x per day: morning and night, but am slowly reducing the length of these sessions), it's not for everyone. Some of my closest friends only FFd, others were BF-nazis, and some started BFing for a few weeks or months and then switched to FFing for various reasons.
As the other ladies said, if it's stressing you... If you feel trapped... then it might be time for you to switch. I felt overwhelmed initially, but like Michele, once I started nursing wherever I was when my child got hungry, I got some of my freedom back. I purchased a "hooter hider" or "nursing cover" (choose whatever term you like) that I absolutely loved, and used whenever necessary with Shannon. Kyle didn't like being covered at all though, so I found myself nursing without a cover. Instead, I opted for discrete nursing tops, and just covered up while he latched on. With those tops, you really couldn't see anything anyways.
I agree 100% with those who have said that a happy mom makes for a happy baby! T will still be getting the nutrition he needs, and the amount of time that you *did* BF will benefit him as well.
If you want to talk, you know how to find me! ((( hugs )))
I pumped exclusively for 6 months. I had planned on going a year, but as June approached, I decided that I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm battling some issues with myself, and I needed to let go of it. I am so much happier now. I don't come home from being out for a few hours and say "oh, I have to pump." I don't have to get up at 4:30 in the morning anymore to give myself that extra 20 minutes or so to pump.
I'm not going to tell you to stop BFing. But if you feel trapped, really think about why you are doing what you are doing. You don't want to ever feel resentment toward your son because you feel trapped in doing what is "best" for him.
And as far as the bonding thing, my son absolutely 100% stares at me when I feed him and always has. He does not do this with anyone else, except Daddy at times. And he's always received a bottle. I think we are bonded, very very much so.
I appreciate the advice, both in support of breastfeeding and formula feeding.
I agree that what is best for mom is also best for baby. My gut feeling has always been to try to make breastfeeding work for us, if at all possible. It's what the american academy of pediatrics recommends, and that must be for a reason. Not to say that formula fed babies can't be just as healthy - they can, and many are more healthy on formula than breastmilk. But, I have been lucky enough to have a great supply, and since I am able to do this, it is the choice we have made.
I am getting better about nursing in public (I just have to get my husband more comfortable with me nursing in public, too). And once I figure out how going back to work will be, I'm sure I'll adjust to that, too. I just haven't been as fast to the adjustment as I'd like. If I'm not happier a few weeks into being back to work with T in daycare, then we will definitely be switching. But I do want to give it a little more time before I decide.
Again, thanks to all weighing in. I really do appreciate the support, no matter what our decision is in the end.
It's so hard! I definitely know where you're coming from. (and April eats super quick, too) Going back to work has been especially rough with pumping and all that. It's a chore a lot of the time. I just keep telling myself that each day I can breastfeed I am doing something healthy for her and it's a blessing (I'm not religious, but this is the best word I can think of). But if I have to stop, I have been able to do it for X days/weeks/months and that means I was successful. Does that make sense? I was super torqued up about going back to work and worrying about losing my supply, so I am trying to take the pressure off myself.
I also remind myself of the good things about it - it's easy to not have to deal with formula and bottles when we're out, it's cheaper, and it has helped me lose weight.
Selfish reasons, sure, but whatever works, right?
You're doing a great job! Even if you have to stop, you've done an awesome thing for Tynan. Hang in there!
It took 5 failed IUIs and a failed IVF, but our FET worked!
My pregnancy after Infertility Blog
Our baby girl was born on April 27, 2011!
I replied before reading what else was said and just wanted to add that I don't think any of us advocating BF or offering support are telling you that you have to keep going. I don't think we're saying formula is the devil and you're a wuss for feeling that way.
I just think a lot of pro-BF sources gloss over the feelings we can sometimes have - like it's an anchor sometimes. I often feel kind of dehumanized by it (seems like too strong a word, but again, best I could think of). Like I get home from work and April is so glad to see my breasts but not me and that I'm just a food source.
So I think we're saying - hey, how you feel is normal. You're doing something awesome - not that formula is bad, but it's certainly easier, so sometimes I know I need to think about breastfeeding in a super-positive way. I'm truly not judging other people's choices, honestly. But if I wasn't so pro-breastfeeding it would be harder to keep going myself.
The thing I've heard that has helped me the most was about how it can get better, and that you shouldn't quit on a bad day.
It took 5 failed IUIs and a failed IVF, but our FET worked!
My pregnancy after Infertility Blog
Our baby girl was born on April 27, 2011!
I'm sorry, but one more thing! The idea of going back to work was way worse than the actual for me. I pump 3 times a day and just close my door. I have a little soft cooler that I keep the milk and the "dirty" pump parts in (I clean at home at the end of the day and just keep cool between feedings). I put it in the office fridge and transport with the blue ice thingies. It's truly been no big deal so far. And I appreciate our time together so much more - I definitely needed to spend some time away (as awful as that sounds).
Not to sound like an expert, but I wanted to tell you that and all my millions of opinions.
Since we're kind of in the same boat, just two weeks apart, you know?
It took 5 failed IUIs and a failed IVF, but our FET worked!
My pregnancy after Infertility Blog
Our baby girl was born on April 27, 2011!
Teehee!!! Yep - I'm a big fan of just laying it out there ;-) Never exactly been called shy ;-)
I wish you the best in whatever works for you and your family!
"It's not a sprint, it's a marathon." - Alex & Ani bracelet
My blog: Dodging Acorns
Jill, will you be my new best friend?! You took my whining, rambling post and actually made sense of it and conveyed exactly what I'm feeling way better than I did. And you always seem to understand what I'm feeling and make me feel like I'm a little more normal. Being that Ty and April are only 2 weeks apart does make it easier to relate.
You're absolutely right - he's 10 weeks old today. It's great that I've been able to exclusively breastfeed, and I've got at couple of weeks worth of milk in the freezer already. I wanted to make it to a year, but I think I should focus on how long I've made it so far instead of how far I have to go to my own personal "goal."
The "dehumanizing" comment - I know exactly what you mean. Sean thinks Tynan likes me better because I can calm him faster, but in reality he just knows that I am his source of food. I'm the food source, and nothing more sometimes.
The problem with pumping at work is that my office is actually a cubicle... and the walls are short enough that people slightly taller than I am can easily see over them. I can't pump in my office. I have to go up to a separate building at the nurses office and use an exam room if I want to pump, which means I can't be working when I do it. That means that if I take the half hour to pump at work, I have to work an extra half hour before I can go home. I think in the next couple of weeks, I'm going to see if it's possible to pump while I drive to/from work. Some of the ladies on the breastfeeding board gave me some advice on how to do it. Then I would only have to pump at lunchtime, and I don't have to make my day even longer, as an 8.5 hour day plus 2 hours of commute time is going to be rough already.
I will remember not to quit on a bad day. That's so true.
Thanks again for all the responses. Sorry this got to be such a long reply...
I too felt no connection but wanted to continue due to health reasons for Allie. Also she only liked one side so it caused supply issues so I started pumping full time and did it for a year.
If you would like to talk about what I did in order to make it a year I can share with you what we did. I'm not going to lie at times I wanted to be done but I just couldn't do it. Page me and we can talk! Much easier to talk on the phone or in person rather then typing.
What you are feeling is VERY normal and I felt the same way. I also felt bad for feeling that way. You have to do what you need to do. Remember happy mommy means happy baby!