Family Matters
kcgrl
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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wedding gift question
My DH and his sister are and have been at odds for quite some time. But I'll get to my point - -
When my DH and I were married we did not receive a congratulations, card, or gift from my SIL. No big deal k. Well her wedding is next weekend and my DH thinks that because she didn't have the gall to do anything for us - we have not done anything for her - no card, no gift, nothing. Though I did respond to her invitation when she didn't to ours.
Is it ok to not get a gift? I want your opinions before its too late. My DH says no and I have always lived by "your family - you decide - my family - I decide" - I'm not trying to call him wrong at all. I just want everyone else's opinion before its too late.
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Re: wedding gift question
While I personally would never go to a wedding and not give a gift, a wedding actually isn't a requirement to give a gift.
In the end, I will say that this is your DH's decision. Follow his lead.
But... this is a petty fight that he's getting way too caught up in. She didn't give anything and also didn't bother to RSVP. Does he really want to go to that level too, or does he want to at least be able to say "I'm going to be the bigger person" and know he did the right thing?
In general, I actually hate the "be the bigger person" concept because I think its often misused/misconstrued - but this is a situation where I feel it's fitting. even if you just give her a card. I think going to the "she didnt' get me anything so I'm not going to give her anything" is just immature and petty.
But in the end, this is your DH's sister and I do feel it's his call.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is kind of what I mean when I say that I don't always like "be the bigger person". Sometimes it leads to people to being treated as a doormat, or it leads to you just becoming tired of always being the bigger person when it never, ever makes a difference.
I wonder if this is where your DH is at. He's just "done" and he's now ready to make a stand. And also, for his sisters poor behavior, what are the consequences for it? Anything? Again, this is where I feel like being the bigger person isnt' always a good thing- is she actually being rewarded for her behavior? She can treat him however she likes, but oh, because he doesn't want to be "petty", he will treat her w/ respect...???
See what I mean? I could understand that he's just done w/ bothering w/ her anymore!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I was in a similar situation and I wish my now ex had the same view as your husband.
Because I have been there, I probably would not get them anything. Is it right? No, but you probably won't get a thank you card if you do, not that it matters.
You could always get them something small. Or you can be rude and mean and only address the card to your BIL.
LOL yeah that wouldn't make things easier! But that's hillarious. I would love to if I knew that the rest of the family would just stay out of it. But if we did that - all hell would break loose. Thanks for the laugh
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Agreed!
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I think two wrongs don't make a right, and I don't believe in a blanket treating others badly just because they've treated you badly. While there isn't a law about getting gifts if you are attending a wedding, it is considered good etiquette. Because you are family, and because things don't necessarily have to be any crappier than they are already, I would suggest you guys present yourselves as how you think people ought - properly. Get a gift, or at the very least a card.
Edited to add: OK - if you think that he's just at his limit, then I would suggest you still support him in behaving like an adult instead of a tit-for-tat thing. I still think not doing anything as a way of drawing the line is childish. Let him use his *words* if this is a case of his being done with "enabling" and him withdrawing from the dance they've had in the past. Behaving maturely has nothing to do with withholding courtesy.
No, it's not ok to not get a gift. This is his sister; she's getting married. Get her something nice that is in your budget. Get her a card, and sign it with your best wishes.
I just don't get this tit for tat crap. Do you really have a list of who gave you what for your wedding, how much it cost, who got you cards? And then match that list to whatever wedding you're going to, and only give that person something if they gave YOU something? Do you attempt to match cash values? If they gave you a check, do you give them a check in that amount?
You're talking about a really petty thing to not get her something. You're better than that.
This, it is your DH's family but if it were me I'd push to be the bigger/better person.