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New here, need soon to be MIL advise
My boyfriend Dylan I are engaged, and also having a babyin two months, the pregnancy was unplanned. I'm going to be 18 soon and I still live with my parents since i'm going to finish high school, then get an appartment with my boyfriend once i graduate. Well Dylan's mother is a very controlling kind of person. And now that i am pregnant I am no longer permitted to stay the night with him at all now, and not again until we're married. Well she is expecting me to drop the baby off to stay four nights without me when the baby will be barely a month old.
Dylan is very close with his family so it makes it difficult to stand up to her without starting fights with him. And now she is starting to get very pushy with where she stands. I am Hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) so i want to keep the baby on a diet that will keep her sugar in a range that we wont have to worry about having scares. well she got in my face and was saying how she didnt think we'd need to do that and everything. Then she tells me things i should and shouldnt do with the baby. (note that when dylan was born he was taken care of by his grandma, not his mom until he was 8) She tries to control alot of what i do and acts like she'd be my own mother but worse! But i've had a rough pregnancy with alot of sickness and not being able to sleep. And when she sees me she'll make a comment saying oh you look really bitchy today. or somebody needs to go back to sleep they seem a bit moody. It is just really rude! i just don't know what to do.. suggestions?
Re: New here, need soon to be MIL advise
You have more of a FI problem then a soon to be MIL problem. Your FI should be standing up for you, and not letting his mother insult you.
You are young and should not feel like you have to rush into mariage just because there is a child involved. Like pp said, if it ment to be then it will happen.
His age is a great big factor in this. That's what the brunt of the problem is.
Why can't you live with your parents?
I have to agree- don't marry him just because you are PG. He is the biggest problem here, but not surprising as he's 18(ish) and still living at home. I think you will have a long, hard path if you move in w/ him and marry him right now.
Stand firm. You're the mom. You don't want to drop the baby off for 4 nights in a row, then don't do it. She gets in your face? YOu tell her YOU are the mom and YOU decide what happens w/ your child. If she can't respect that, then she won't get ANY time w/ the child...
But you've also got to talk to your BF. Whether you marry him or not - he needs to start to understand that his child comes first and you, as the mom, come first too. Before what his mom wants. This isn't gonig to be an overnight change for him, but as an adult, he needs to start to understand that he is free to make his own choices AND that as he needs to put his child and you first.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Why are you engaged at the age of 18? There is no need to get married just because you are pregnant.
The mother of your baby's father cannot dictate visitation. If you can't work things out with your fiance, then get a court order. Your child, your rules and your fiance should support you in this.
Quit spending time with her if she makes you feel bad. You can only control yourself and not her. And, yes, she has every right not to allow you to sleep over. Her house, her rules.
The word is 'advice' and not 'advise'. Advise is a verb.
How are you planning to provide for this child? You are still in high school.
You are young, but you are the mother of this child, keep that firmly in your mind.
Custody and visitation is an issue between you and the baby's father. That's it. It's all nicely emeshed that he lives there so his mother is making demands, but remember, the only reason why you are making arangments is for the father to take care and bond with his child.
If the baby's father sees his mother, the grandmother, as a resource that's on him. They have to work it out after you two, the parents work it out. So no, you don't have to answer to her demands about how often and which nights the baby sleeps at their place.
Keep in mind that a legal precident will be set with every person's actions, not promises. I strongly urge you to write down a plan with the baby's father including monthly visitation and finacial support by both of you. Talk everything out and write it down. Including a visit plan, overnight plan, transportation, child care, child care payments, money, savings, the works. When you are both 18 years old, sign it. Do NOT sign anything you do not 100% agree with and I mean 100%.
Stop discussing issues of food and anything that you will do months from now with the grandmother. It doesn't matter right now. Babies only drink formula or breastmilk for 6 months. Get out of the habit of discussing your future goals with the baby's father's mother. Again, it is a matter between the two of you- the parents, and if he wishes to discuss it with his mother, then that's on him.
Ignore her mean comments completely. She sounds very angry. While that's very hard on you, it is understandable. She did not choose for her son to accidentally get a 17 year old girl pregnant before she graduated high school. That's a huge life adjustment and she may be angry for a very long time and resent you and him for a while. Adjust your expectations to expect that her support will come with a lot of resentment and anger. And since you've already had one accidental pregnancy, keep in mind that you are at a very high risk for a second. I strongly suggest that you speak to your doctor about birth control options, especially an IUD.
I'd also advise you to take some parenting classes to increase your confidence and get involved with some support services to build your network of support. You may be surprised that services are offered for free from your county health department, youth centers, health centers, non-profits or even churches. It might take some work to find (many groups work on tight budgets and don't have much money to advertise) but the services are wonderful - once you find them. Your community wants healthy babies and confident mothers and that means finding teens just like you to support. Find and use the services, it's available to make you and your baby healthier.
Good luck. I hope you have a very healthy last month of pregnancy, birth and a very healthy and sleepy newborn baby.
It doesn't really matter what your boyfriend's mom wants or expects. You get to decide how to raise your child. If you don't want your child to stay with her for four days, don't do it.
Please put the wedding on hold. If your boyfriend can't stand up to his mom and the two of you can't discuss major issues without fighting, you're not ready to be married. Focus more on yourself and your goals for the time being. I don't know what your plan is for the next couple of years, but I hope it includes college or some other educational track or job training. No matter what happens with your boyfriend, you need to be able to support yourself and your child.
I would also recommend that you and your boyfriend get some couples counseling before the baby comes and absolutely before you move forward with any wedding plans.
"MIL I want to respect your rules in your home and understand your concerns, I will gladly stay over in a room far from your sons room until we're married but I will not be leaving my new born baby anywhere without me being there for the first few months."
as for her telling you what to do when the baby is born, you don't need to listen to her and your FI can tell her to back off if she's over stepping her bounds. At the same time try to respect her and understand where she's coming from. Seeing her 18 year old son get his gf pregnany before even finishing highschool would never be easy for a parent, she's probably worried for her son and his future. It would be hard to sit back when your kid is that young, still under their roof and just leave everything to them...at that age parents are still normally setting rules for kids, it wouldn't be easy to let that go when you think your kid needs you the most.
She's probably pissed at the two of you for getting pregnant so young, especially since it seems that you are both still dependent on your parents. I can't really say that I blame her, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with her crap.
If your boyfriend still dependent on his mother for a roof over his head and food/clothing/his education, then she's going to (rightfully, to some extent) expect a say in his life. If your boyfriend can't join you in taking care of this child properly, maintaining a home for the three of you without help from any of your parents, and telling his mother to back off, then don't move in with him and don't marry him. I would also consult a lawyer to arrange custody between the two of you.
Worry about raising the baby for now, and see what happens with your relationship as time goes on. He can still be a good dad without necessarily being your husband, at least not right this second. Getting married and having this baby with him are not going to magically make things better between the two of you, and it's better to keep your options open right now rather than rush into a shotgun marriage and then be stuck in an unhappy situation. If it's meant to be, then the marriage can wait a few years until you are both independent adults. Being 18 and married and pregnant/parents doesn't make you an adult.
Agree x 1,000,000,000,000,000
Yeah, it's more than a little strange that your boyfriend's mom has a problem with you spending the night together only now that you're already pregnant. It's a bit late for her to start acting like a parent.
Normally I would say your BF needs to be standing up for you to his Mom, but you guys are really just kids and as long as he is living with her, she does get to raise him and have some say in what he is allowed to do. Especially if you are expecting to sleep over with him at his house.
I don't, however, think she can require you to do anything with the baby, especially to drop him off for multi day stays when he is a newborn. I would avoid her, pick your battles, stand up for yourself when it comes to your baby and your decisions for the baby, and not marry him until you all can live independently and he can make decisions without his Mom telling him what to do.
Honey, you've just described pregnancy. Not as much fun as you thought it would be, huh?
Stop engaging in these stupid battles with your boyfriend's mom. It's her house and her rules - why do you want to stay the night there if she's so horrible to you anyway? If you're breastfeeding, you won't be able to be away from the baby for 4 nights taht soon anyway, so don't worry about what she thinks. For the love of God, you seriously don't have to worry about putting your infant on any special "diet" to control her blood sugar - are you for real? The baby SHOULD be eating nothing but breastmilk or formula for the first 6 months of it's life anyway, and after that just feed it normal healthy stuff. Your boyfriend's mom is right on that one, but again - why are you engaging in such stupid battles with her?
Since I'm assuming that adoption isn't an option that you'll consider, it's time for you to grow up in a real hurry. And that doesn't mean run out and get an apartment with your boyfriend and get married as soon as you can...........it means start prioritizing your life and getting a grip. You need to finish school - if your parents are willing to support you and your baby while you do that, then FFS let them. Your boyfriend's mom has absolutely NO rights to your child and NO say in raising them, outside of whatever your boyfriend permits her. STOP worrying about her, stop interacting with her.
Don't worry about getting married any time soon. Just focus on getting your education and on raising this child. If Baby Daddy sticks around (I've got $50 that says he won't, but whatever) and you guys are still in love in a few years, get married then. But your life is going to be plenty stressful enough just being a teen mom........don't throw playing house as a teen wife on top of that.
http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/55117939.aspx
And, given this info, I think you are just better off not having a relationship with this little boy at all.
Your FI needs to deal with his family. I hope you understand just because you are having a baby doesn't mean you have to get married.
GL to you and the last few months of your pregnancy.
His mother has waaaaaaaaaay too much influence in his life. Are you sure you want to be with him? Just because you are having a baby doesn't mean you are stuck with him. Think about what YOU want, b/c if you are unhappy, your baby will grow up unhappy.
You CAN move on, and meet someone new eventually. Someone who will love your child, and not bring all of this momma-drama into your life! I would also talk to a lawyer and discuss support in case things with Dylan don't work out.
Do you get along with your parents? Are they supportive of you and the baby? I would encourage you to stay with them while your LO is young. You have PLENTY of time to work on your relationship with Dylan, and for the both of you to grow up before you start playing house together.
I would also stop visiting with his mom. There is no reason for you to go there. Dylan can meet you somewhere else. If he asks why, tell him his mom is rude to you, you won't stand for it, and - heads up - you won't be bringing the baby there if she continues her rudeness. Stand up for yourself. You really DO hold all of the cards here. She's not nice to you? Stay away. Dylan won't visit you or meet you outside of his house? Guess you'll go out without him. Dedicate your time to studying or your job, and meeting new friends (male and female) who support you and will support your life with your little one.
Oh - and yes, keep the baby's last name the same as yours. It will be too awkward when you are enrolling him/her for school if you have a different last name. AND it is difficult to travel internationally if you have a different last name than your child. DO NOT give the baby the dad's name until you are married. It's easy to change it TO your husband's name, not so easy to switch it back after you have already given it.