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Husband doesn't like oral sex
Hi everyone, I'm a newlywed- we were married June 4th of this year! My hubby and I waited to have sex till marriage and we dated for 6 and a half years! J had had sex in a previous relationship before, so he was not a virgin. Now that we are married I have discovered that he think that oral sex is "dirty". He feels like he is disrespecting me by making me do something like that. I told him multiple times that I do not mind it and that I just like to see him get excited, but it is very evident to me that instead of enjoying it, he thinks it is disrespectful/wrong to make his wife do this. Does anyone else have a man like this? To be honest, I don't mind that he doesn't want it because I do not find it to be that exciting to give it anyways. Sex is very new to us so maybe we are thinking about this/doing something wrong...any tips ladies?
Thanks,
Erika
Re: Husband doesn't like oral sex
He's associating oral sex with a stereotype.
I suggest the 2 of you go to a mainstream bookstore and purchase a couples' sex manual.
The manuals are geared to committed couples. Maybe he will get the message that it's okay for a married couple to indulge.
You and he may have to take a trip to see a sex therapist to get this little problem nipped in the bud. Good luck.
I was in a relationship with a guy like this before. It was difficult to wrap my mind around this way of thinking. While he absolutely LOVED giving me oral sex and did so all the time (amazing might I add. lol) he didn't want it in return. It made him uncomfortable when I suggested or tried it. His reasoning was that the majority of the time he had previously received oral sex it was with girls that meant absolutely nothing to him and they were just a one night stand or there to give him oral. With me it was completely different. He loved me. Based on how he felt w/ these other girls having me perform the same act was like acting me to do something degrading. Weird, but kind of makes sense a little.
Now my current BF - its just not his thing. While he doesn't push me away he doesn't ask for it either. He also has no problem, and loves, giving me oral. When I do it, its for me and because I want to and he's ok w/ that. He doesn't get off on oral stimulation alone so if that is my sole purpose I'm wasting my time. But for foreplay - game on!
I hate to be so blunt, but were you a virgin when you married? If yes, then I take it he is the first guy you have given oral to...
Now, that being said, I apologize if I come off sounding disrespectful or like a biotch, but maybe he is trying to be polite in saying he does not like it, well, because you may not be pleasing him. I say that because my exH was my first (many years ago!) & he admitted to me that I was not doing it right and it made him feel uncomfortable. It took a BF & heavy reading to 'learn'. .
Talk to him. Ask him why he does not like it. There has to be a reason he is not comfortable with it. And you said it yourself... you do not find it that exciting to give it anyways... he may pick up on that & may tell you he does not like it because he feels you do not like it.
So you two had absolutely NO sex of any kind before marriage? Did you two fool around at all? Honest question - do you two have much sex now, and what is his attitude about it?
I just have to imagine that it's hard to stop thinking of sex as something that dirty/sinful people do, after making it a dirty/sinful/taboo thing for so long. I wonder if he's having a hard time getting out of that mindset now.
You said he "finds it disrespectful to make his wife do something like this." He doesn't say he doesn't like it, but he doesn't like making you try to like it. ANY good husband will be uncomfortable if he feels like he is forcing his wife into something she dislikes in the bedroom.
I had a friend that I knew was abstaining until he was married. I wasn't dating him, but I even asked him about it. I knew exactly what he felt was acceptable once he was married. Maybe I'm just a nosy friend, but it was such a big decision that I felt curious enough to ask about it So, I'm a little surprised this didn't get discussed between you two before marriage!
Make sure your husband knows its ok to be "dirty" with you. Encourage it!
And talk talk talk talk talk! If he likes it and you like doing it for him then just do it, and don't wait for him to ask. That should ease any concerns he has about making you feel forced to do it.
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PLEASE STOP SPAMMING THE BOARDS
Just because they waited till they were married to have sex doesn't mean they thought it was dirty. They just waited till what they felt was the appropriate time. People wait until they hit certain milestones before they have children, that doesn't mean that they thought having children was a bad thing to do.
OP, congratulations on your marriage. If he doesn't feel comfortable receiving oral, don't stress. It's awesome that he puts his respect for you above, his own possible pleasure. But since it's bothering you for some reason. Talk to him about it, again. Ask him if he feels uncomfortable with you even putting your mouth on it, or if it's the thought of coming in your mouth that he's doesn't like. If he's okay with you sucking on it, and you actually want to do it, not just don't mind it, try just doing it for a few seconds at a time, till you're both more comfortable with it.
Not everyone likes the same thing, if your hubby doesn't enjoy oral sex - that's fine! It has nothing to do with you, and it's really not that awesome to give, so if he doesn't want it - lay back and enjoy what he will do for you!
Maybride, don't worry, we have PLEANTY of sex now lol. We love having sex, it is only the oral that he is not that into, i think he finds it degrading to women. And no, it was absolutely NO problem at all having sex after waiting 6 and a half years. We were extremely ready for it to say the least. I never thought of sex as something "dirty/sinful people do"... I believe God created sex as a reward for marriage...the icing on the cake and it was created for our pleasure, just in the right time.
Thanks for the comment!
Hi Erika,
My husband says the same thing about how it's disrespectful (before I ever tried). And at first I found it strange but when you think about it, it shows chilvery. I personally like to think of it as a regular personality trait such as, my husband's strong politcal views or how I don't enjoy free fall rollercoasters.
Don't dwell on this too long, seriously! After a year of newly wed sex, this is not going to bother you even a little bit, because you'll know each other inside and out (literally).
Good Luck and Good Night ladies!
This. I think if you are acting assertive and as if you really like it, he may not feel the same way.
Thank you for pointing out that waiting to have sex doesn't mean thinking sex is bad/dirty/sinful/etc., only that there is a proper time and place for something so beautiful, special, and powerful.
That said, my husband and I also waited to have sex until we were married, and I was surprised at the amount of time it took for us to get really comfortable with using our bodies this way. We enjoyed it right from the get-go of course, but communicating about what we liked and didn't and why, and working out what worked for us as a couple, is still, two years later, an on-going process! Based on talking to other people, it seems to me that being together as a loving couple minus sex for so long makes adding the sex to the equation a little bit more complicated a matter than having sex while the relationship is growing.
Let me be clear: I am so so so glad that I waited. It was the right choice for us. Having our sex life be only our own, with no memories, no comparisons, and no regrets, is absolutely worth the journey we've enjoyed toward the level of sexual comfort and ease that those who don't wait enjoy.
What I'm saying is, don't panic. It may be unusual for a man to not enjoy blowjobs, but it certainly doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him. Some women don't enjoy intercourse. We're all entitled to like what we like. As you continue to communicate and explore, oral sex may become something you both enjoy, or it may not. Either way, you are fine as long as you're communicating and enjoying yourselves.
Good luck, and congratulations on making it to your wedding night!