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Needed to get this off my chest
Some of you may remember the backstory about my family (parents and brother.) For those who don't, here's a link to a post from a couple of years ago: http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/12837690.aspx
Basically, H and I have spent the last 2 years seeking some help for ourselves (therapy and NarAnon meetings) while trying to have a renegotiated relationship with them (setting boundaries). It's been more distant, but we still do talk on the phone and see each other on occasion.
There has still been a lot of unpredictability when we do see them/communicate with them, but we were finding better ways to deal with it and hoped that things would start to improve.
A few weeks ago, we got a phone call from my parents. They were phoning to tell us that my brother had been arrested again for drug trafficking. They had tried to bail him out themselves, but the Judge had denied their request because of their previous charges. My parents were asking us to bail out my brother and have him live with us. The other part to this is that they are losing their house. Because they were going to pay for my brother's lawyer, they were saying that this would leave them behind on rent for another place.
I won't do any of it (bail my brother out or give them money.) I have been down that road before and I know it was a mistake. I won't do it again. They need to figure this part of it out on their own.
The one thing I did agree to do was to help them pack some things in their house for when they move. I know this was a mistake. H and I went there together for an afternoon, and we found some pretty unpleasant things that I really wish I hadn't found. They were all still using all this time, and they're still in denial about it. They insist that they have never touched drugs and that drugs have never been in their house. Even when the drugs/drug perephernalia is right there in front of them, they deny everything.
H and I (along with some extended family) have tried to talk to them about everything and get them help. We've tried having interventions, and they refuse any help and say that they are "victims of circumstance". I just feel really sad, and I know that there's really not much more I can do.
They're pretty angry at us, and pretty much anyone else who has tried to bring up these concerns. That's fine, and that's their right I suppose. I just don't know how to continue seeing them like this when they insist that they're clean and these are all just random things that keep happening to them that everyone else is supposed to rescue them from.
I don't know what I'm looking for here by posting this. I just needed to get this out. I know what they tell us in NarAnon, and what our counselor has to say, but the guilt/family programming still feels pretty strong. If you read this, thanks. And thanks again to the Nesties who have been so supportive about this in the past.
I may DD this later.
Re: Needed to get this off my chest
Hi Kuus,
Yes, I am. Actually, after the first court case 2 years ago, I was referred to a counselor who was also a chaplain. Not that there's anything wrong with that, except that she admitted that the issue was a little outside of her expertise - and it showed. About the only advice she could give was, "Love the sinner, but hate the sin."
My H and I are seeing a different therapist through EAP right now who has a different perspective and I think it will help. We've only had a few sessions with her so far.
I have read The Dance of Anger, but not The Dance of Intimacy. I'll have to pick that up.
Thank you so much.
You are doing the right thing, even though it is very hard.
You deserve better.
I'm pretty sure it's Dance of Intimacy that has the section on enabling. I second reading the book
You are absolutely doing the right thing by not giving them bail money or money for their rent. It's tough to break the cycle with your family, but you are taking steps in the right direction.
Hang in there.
ETA - Also, you don't mention this directly, but are you feeling guilty? Remember the Eleanor Roosevelt quote "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." The same thing applies to guilt. Easier said than done, but you can make a choose to not take on guilt just because they throw it your way.
Margaritagirl,
I want to reach out to you and say understand not 100%, 110%, 150% but 1,000,000% that type of situation. I didnt have to read the previous blog to know the kind of enabling, menipulating, trapping kind of crisis these type of situations can be like.
However, I feel you probably have acheived more then you realized in attempting to stand in truth of the circumstance and move in a healthier direction. Give yourself credit for even offering to pack em up after you probably had reservation and resentment even complating doing it!
Sometimes we look @ ourselves like why cant WE fix this??? Like its some guilty sentence we've been given for our loved ones poor choices just because of being related. Yes blood is thicker then water but if you cant find common ground and a sense of likabilty with your relatives severing the ties is a daunting but inevitable solution. Love is a 2 way street, in all relationships.
Listen, there isnt a day that goes by I dont worry for those I love. Knowing FULL WELL their killing themselves. I can only hope that by the grace of some miraculous event my prayers would be answered. Yet I am prepared for the day I get that phone call and I'll be back in counseling going through the greiving process in a healthy way. Instead of carrying a burden that was never meant to be mine in the first place. Hoping they are at peace and granted mercy for the things that could have been avoided.
Be blessed :O}
I do feel guilty. It's difficult to explain why, but I do. Anything we've done to help them before has basically allowed them to dig themselves in deeper, rather than them taking the opportunity to turn things around. They're also quick to assign blame, and when you hear that coming from your parents, it makes you wonder if they're right or if that's true. I don't know. I know I'm not explaining it very well, sorry.
Your perspective on that quote is really helpful though, and that's something I need to work on. Thanks.
Glad that helps.
Blaming is very common for substance abusers. But, logically, how could a helpful, loving child cause their parents to become addicts?
You know it isn't your fault, but I understand what you are saying above. This is something that therapy could be really helpful with. Best wishes and keep us posted.
Thanks for the replies, Ladies. They're all very helpful. I was sort of hesitant to post about this before, but now I'm glad I did.
Thank you.
Know that you are doing the right thing by setting boundries and not allowing their addiction to damage your lives. They are making their own choices, and you are smart (and protecting your H) by not getting svcked into their mess.
You are doing the right thing by sticking to your boundaries. You have to protect yourself. Good luck with your new therapist. Sadly this is a common issue (families dealing with addicts), so keep looking if this therapist doesn't have the expertise you need.