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Am I being too sensitive? (re: SIL's wedding)
My SIL (H's sister) is getting married next July. She and I aren't best friends, but I feel like we have a good relationship. She lived with us for a while when she first moved to DSM. She was here for 5 years before recently moving to IL and she would hang out with us pretty much every weekend, play with the kids, etc.
When she started planning her wedding, she asked if she could gush to me about it often and started sending me ideas for bridesmaids dresses, flower girl dresses, bouquets, etc. She told us she wanted Maya to be the flower girl and Cam to be the ring bearer, but hadn't yet said anything about H and I being in the wedding party. I assumed H would be since it's her brother and they're close even though he and SIL's fiance don't really know each other very well yet. I was getting the feeling that I would be a bridesmaid based on our relationship and the fact that she was involving me in a lot of planning ideas.
Yesterday H told me that SIL and FIL got into an argument because she didn't choose me as a bridesmaid and he feels it's disrespectful since I'm her SIL and I chose her as a bridesmaid in my wedding. She also told H that he will be standing up with the groom. She told H that I will be in the wedding in some capacity, like a personal attendant.
I'm extremely hurt by this. I really thought we were closer than this. When I chose my bridesmaids, there was no question that she would stand up with me. It was never even a discussion between me and DH. I feel isolated since DH, DD, and DS are all chosen as major participants in the wedding. I feel like me not standing with her is a visual declaration of rejection.
DH understands that I'm hurt. He thinks I need to have a conversation with SIL, not making it about the wedding but just about where we stand and how she views our relationship. I don't want her to change her mind just because I'm hurt. I don't know if I want to make this step, especially since she didn't even talk to me about this, she went through H. He told her that I would probably be hurt, but that I wouldn't say anything because I know it's her wedding and about her, not me.
So, I need some unbiased opinions. Am I being too sensitive about this? Should I talk to her about it (again, not the wedding, just our relationship)? Would you have assumed in my position that you would have been chosen as a bridesmaid?
Thanks so much for your opinions and you deserve a cookie if you made it this far! (I also might delete this later)
Re: Am I being too sensitive? (re: SIL's wedding)
I can understand how you're feeling. It can be a really hurtful situation when you aren't picked to participate as a bridesmaid when the rest of the family will have such prominent roles in the wedding. FWIW, I would not talk to her about it. It is her wedding, maybe she has a lot of sisters/really close friends and they are keeping the wedding party small? Just because she didn't ask you to be a bridesmaid doesn't mean she doesn't love you or have the same relationship with you as you think you do with her. I guess to me it wouldn't matter if I was in the wedding, as long as I got to share in her happiness on her special day.
It sounds like she was nervous about telling you since she went through your H instead of coming directly to you. It seems like she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I'm not sure why you would have a conversation with her about your relationship if you aren't going to talk about the wedding. It will be obvious that is the driver of the conversation, without this event, you would never have suspected you two might have a difference of opinion about the relationship.
That being said, if you feel like this will be a cloud hanging over the two of you that will effect your future relationship, then a conversation might be helpful. But I would be honest, just say you were hurt by not being included in the wedding because she had been in yours and you thought your relationship was closer than that. Maybe she will be able to provide reasons for why she made her choices that will put your mind at ease and it may have nothing to do about how close she feels the two of you are.
Either way it's a tough call. I hope you guys will be able to work something out and that you feel included on the day of the wedding. Good luck!
From my understanding, she's having 3 cousins standing up with her. They are blood relatives, so I totally get that. Two of them were obvious ones and her reasoning with the 3rd was, "she would get more out of it" ??
Also, H did think I should start the conversation saying that not being chosen did hurt me and lead me into a conversation about our relationship. Sorry I wasn't more clear than that.
Thanks for your honesty!
I don't think that you are being too sensitive, you cannot help that you feel hurt and if she has involved you in all of the planning, etc. I prolly would have assumed the same thing!!
The flip side of the coin is that weddings are hard and it's hard to try and fit everyone in as you would like to. Couple of questions: Are they having a big wedding, does she have a lot of sisters? If they are trying to keep things small or if she had a lot of sisters, then they might of had to draw the line somewhere and it just sucks that it might have been with you.
This was SUCH an issue with our wedding. We had a DW in Jamaica and SO many more of our friends came than we thought would. So, the attendant issue was a struggle for us and we had to cap it or there would have been more people standing up with us than sitting.
I am so sorry that you are feeling hurt and I think that you have every right to be. If you feel comfortable talking to her then do. If not, I would pry distance myself a bit from the plans, etc.
i would definitely be hurt, but i probably wouldn't say something and put that elephant in the room to be there for the rest of the wedding planning process and wedding events. even if you don't talk about it from the wedding perspective, i'm guessing she will put 2 and 2 together and know where this is stemming from.
fwiw - i would venture to guess it wasn't an easy decision on her part either. i remember back to when i was planning my wedding and even with 6 bridesmaids and 2 personal attendants i felt badly for not including more people i consider close friends.
also, i have been in your position before and thought i would be a BM because friend was a BM in mine and she picked me as PA instead...i was hurt at first but then moved on. it was easier to move on and have fun participating and planning rather than dwelling.
also, i think the PA role gets a bad rap...sure, some people use it as a BS job just to include people, but i'm guessing your SIL wants you in that role because it sounds like she trusts you and values your opinion. (therefore trusts you to be her go to gal on the day of)
That makes sense. I don't really understand the 3rd cousin comment. Maybe she just felt she couldn't include some cousins and not others? 3 bridesmaids seems like a pretty small number to me so maybe she is having trouble getting everyone important to her involved in some capacity?
Sorry, I did misunderstand the wedding/relationship conversation. Definitely if you are upset about the situation bring it up with her. Just don't let it ruin your day either, you still get to be the proud mama of the beautiful flower girl and handsome ring bearer. :-)
ETA: And by I don't really understand the 3rd cousin comment, I mean I don't understand her logic, not that I didn't get what you were saying. :-) I just re-read and realized that could have been taken either way. Seems like weird reasoning on her part...
Yes, it's a big wedding. 200ish + probably. No sisters, it's just her and H.
I don't think you are being overly sensitive, but I do think you dodged a bullet.
I am in nearly the same situation, but w/ opposite results I guess. My BIL (adam's brother) is getting married this fall, and adam is the best man and the girls are flower girls. They asked if I wanted to be a BM (I am friends w/ his fiance, and will probably become very close, but we aren't bff now). I politely declined, saying that I wanted to be able to focus on getting the girls ready since adam will be so busy. It is a lot of work being in a wedding, and quite expensive. I was really happy that they were so understanding about me taking a backseat. I am the PA instead, which I am very happy with b/c now I can be part of all the wedding fesitivies w/o having to buy the dress! 
After paying for the tux, hair style for G, her dress, all the shower gifts, wedding gift, etc. I just thought it was a blessing to play the PA role.
I do know what you mean about it perhaps looking weird. Everyone in the family (adams sister included) is in the wedding, so it might seem strange that I am not? That is ok w/ me though, its just one day and i have the rest of my life to become better friends with the bride.
this might not be helpful to you at all, maybe it will just help you see the bright side? FWIW, I don' t think you are being ridiculous at all, and i can totally understand how you are hurt. if it was me, i'd probably politely say something, but iam a really open person like that.
Your feelings are your feelings - so I definitely wouldn't say you're being too sensitive. We can't help how we feel. And hurt feelings are sometimes the worst -- because even when you want to feel differently, you just can't. I think I would probably have been surprised in your situation, too.
Reading about this does send me back to the anxiety I felt about choosing our wedding party... Ugh. I felt like no matter what I did, people would be upset or misunderstand my intentions. DH had to remind me several times that this was OUR wedding, and we just had to make decisions and move forward. Yet I struggled with details & how they would affect others (Will my friends & family both enjoy the shower/bachelorette party plans? Should we choose a different date for the wedding since 2 of my friends are in other weddings that day? Should I have my childhood/hometown friend as a bridesmaid, even though we had sort of grown apart more recently?) Because it weighed so heavily on me as the bride, I guess I'd suggest against discussing it with your SIL. If you feel that you've had a good relationship up until this point, then I honestly think she's just trying to make the right decisions for everyone involved, and not having you as a bridesmaid doesn't mean she doesn't feel close with you.
It sounds to me like she really does value your relationship, advice, and input, or she wouldn't have consulted you on things from the beginning. She may also have thought you would be more comfortable being a personal attendant or some other role that day, thinking you'll want to be able to be involved with getting your kids ready... And if she already considers you really helpful on the details, honestly, that's exactly the person you want as a PA. That's a compliment, as far as I'm concerned!
And finally... Though I've been plenty honored to be in wedding parties, I'd agree with All-His... I love being involved withOUT having the additional financial/time obligations of being a bridesmaid. You can choose a dress you love & still be involved in their day
I just wanted to say that choosing the wedding party is very hard! I am very close with one my FI's sisters but chose not to use her because I didn't want to upset his other 2 sisters.
I'm wondering if that is where she was going with the 3rd cousin thing (didn't want just one cousin to be singled out)?
Sometimes people make commitments to people as they're growing up "you're definitely going to be in my wedding when I meet Mr. Wonderful" and so you feel obligated to carry that through as well... Then life happens and people grow apart and yadda yadda ...
I'm SURE she loves you and I agree with the PP that she had a hard time bringing it up to you because of this