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You'll tell me like it is....
So this whole brother running off to Vegas to get married without all of us is eating me alive. I'm not one to let sh!t eat at me, bit I just can't shake this. I'm really excited for him that after saying he never wanted to marry that he found someone worth marrying. I'm just so beyond hurt that we were left out. He said, "we had to do it this way." I call bullsh!t! You didn't *have* to do anything. He could've had the exact same wedding (no limo or flowers - like he said he didn't want - uhh... ok) but called us and said, "I met this girl. We're getting married in a month in Vegas. We'd love to have you." But no. They called us just before they walked in to get married.
The reason this hurts so much is that my parents bunk out all the time. They have seriously fvucked up priorities and it drives me bonkers. We had family living in our town that we never saw (cousins) because my parents just never put forth the effort. How lame is that? Seriously? My brother and I never liked that and have promised that we wouldn't be like that. We were going to make sure our families knew who their family was and that we spent holidays together. We want to be close. It's hard with him in California, but we skype and I talk about Uncle Andy a lot and Owen knows what Uncle Andy gave him for his birthday, etc. We're not close geographically, but Owen knows who Uncle Andy is and knows that he's important. It's been pretty good.
And now he just goes off and gets married without thinking about any of us wanting to be there. I think it's super selfish of him. Others think it's "all about them" and what they want and I should just be quiet and be happy for him.
So, knowing this, what do you think? Should I just shut the hell up and be happy for him (I am- truly)? Am I out of line in my thinking? Or do you think you'd be upset with the situation too?
I just feel like he was the ONE person in my family that I truly connected with and we were going to work and make OUR family (him and me) what we wished the rest of our family would be. Now I feel like I lost that. I'm just grasping for something steadfast in my family now and it's a terrible feeling.
I know you'll be honest. What do you think?
Re: You'll tell me like it is....
Married the love of my life 6/3/06
Became a family of three 8/25/09
After I said my piece he said, "Well, we'll have to decide when we can do a renewal or something here with us and then in Maine with her family." It was clear that they hadn't planned on doing it until I got upset. It makes me feel like that would be "fake."
I feel like marriage is about family. Yes, it IS between two people, but if it weren't about family, then why would anyone get married? They could just live together and life would be pretty much the same.
Hmmm... what will you gain by saying something to him? If he told you sorry, would you feel 100% better? Would you feel better just getting it off your chest?
Think about the consequences, if any. Would he alienate you even further? Would the new sister in law reject you?
I'm sorry. What a sad deal.
I think what I would want would be for him to say, "I'm sorry. I didn't think about you wanting to be there. Don't worry. I won't be leaving you out again."
Really - that's all.
Nancy - I can understand about you being bugged by this.
However.....
Its their wedding, and this is the way they wanted it.
story: My cousin and his fi were going to get married - they didnt want a big "to-do" about it, didnt really want a reception, just wanted it to be the two of them. They didnt want to tell their parents, didnt tell his sister, only told me - and his bff, because they needed witnesses at the courthouse, and didnt want a TOTAL strange signing the marriage license.
Not my style, and yeah = I think it would have been proper and polite to at LEAST let your immediate family know about it.....but, it wasnt my call - it was their day, this is what they wanted, and didnt give two shitz about what anyone else wanted. Like the PP said, some people like huge weddings, some like to just elope and not tell anyone.....its their business.
I think you can say "Bro, from now on, TELL me if there is a big life changing thing going on, I'm your sis damnn you! I could have at least thrown some rice in your face...." and leave it at that - light hearted, and if you are happy for him - be happy for him! Dont let this eat you up. He didnt do it purposely to hurt you, or to exclude you to be mean, or anything like that. I know you wish it could have been different, but it wasnt - so you just have to swallow it!
You love your brother, right? (Clearly)
If this decision makes him happy. Let it be.
I DO NOT, for one second doubt why you would be dissapointed, especially with the seemingly rash decision, but, whats done is done. What I would do..
Give them your best wishes and congratulate them, ask to see pictures (hopefully they paid the extra few bucks fee at the chapels to video tape it) and re-live it WITH THEM in person. If they dont have phots have them give you a play by play of their wedding day as you wish you could have shared it with them, and leave it at that.
If they do renew vows in Maine, go. I think that would be MUCH more real than a Vegas wedding, those drive thru, quickies are quick and to me seem fake.
Remember, at the end of the day, the important thing is that your brother is happy, if this gal and a quicky marriage are what does that good. Hes living for him, and not to make others happy.
Agreed.
I can see how/why you feel hurt but like previous posters said it is their wedding.
Be grateful he called and told you prior to the wedding...he could have called after it happened!
I TOTALLY understand why you're upset. My brother and I used to be super close, we're still close, but it's not the same (watch out for that now that he's married, FYI).
My brother called me days before he got married in the courthouse (it might have been a week - here in town). I didn't really ask IF I could go, I asked when it was SO that I could go. This started drama with my Mom because I was "invited" and she wasn't, but whatever. I met my SIL for the second time when they got married.
I mean honestly there really is nothing you can do about it, but I do understand wanting him to know that this hurt your feelings, so avoiding situations like this in the future would be desirable. :-)
Double agree. Well said about the rice, Tiff.
Personally, I think it's bullshiit that he did that. Especially given your relationship with each other and your parents. I've never understood eloping. It's romantic and spontaneous, but it's also incredibly selfish to purposly exclude your family from one of the biggest days of your life.
Especially especially if you know it would mean the world to them to be there. If you have deadbeat family that you know couldn't care less, f 'em, but if you have a parent/sibling that desperately wants to love and support you, to leave them out is heartbreaking. I'd be hurt and pisssed about it too.
While I agree it is a super sucky situation (but we aren't related so that's a plus for you). BUT what if they had gotten married then came to town and had a fake wedding just for you? Wouldn't you still feel betrayed if in 15 years you somehow found out. At least they told you and while it wasn't ideal or how you want it if he is happy then you should be happy. I also feel you are going to have to release this in order to truly give his wife a fair chance when you do finally meet her. Otherwise I think you will take the wedding grudge you have on your brother out on her and let you brother slide. Granted you may hate her after you get to know her but you should go in with an open mind/spirit, she may be the best aunt to your kiddos and they may adore her and uncle andy. And look at it this way, there are tons of people who get married in the spur of the moment and are married for 40+ years and lots of people who date for years, live together, get married and are divorced. It's just life, we have no way of knowing what is in store for us, we just have to deal with it a day at a time.
So go for a nice long stress relieving walk, maybe without the kiddos, cry it out if you need to, eat a dove bar and move on. It will be the best thing for all parties involved.
While I think that there have been some really great points made on both sides of the issue, I keep going back in my mind to the fact that the ONLY thing that you can control in this situation is YOUR reaction. I think that you should take the fact that he called you before he did it as a great thing. Could things have been different/better....for you maybe, but then they may have not been better for him or his new wife.
That said....I think it super sucks...you will never be able to change the past. Don't say something now that you will regret in 5 - 10 years.
I agree 100%. My brother got married after dating a girl for a few months. I had never met her and I wasn't able to go to the wedding (I was in high school and ls and SATs the same weekend). It super-sucked. Anyhow, my sister decided to open her mouth and her relationship with my brother and SIL has been rocky at best ever since- they got married 13 years ago.
I think it's really easy for all of us to sit back and say, "Yeah, but at least. . . " when in reality, I think all of us would be feeling the exact same way had it actually happened to us.
Also, this is clearly not about getting married w/o you, but everything about feeling betrayed by someone you thought would never "betray" you, even though that was not his intention, in the least.
Hang in there, Nancy. I 100% agree with CoriA about you can only control your reaction and nothing else. I also wanted to say: If anyone can find a positive in this situation, it will be you - just give it a few days/weeks.
That sucks a big one. I'm sorry. My feelings would absolutely be hurt if my "only" true family made such a rash decision and I couldn't be a part of it. I know it's not because you think he needs your permission or that you have to be involved in everything BUT that's a big decision and you just wanted to be his supportive sister.
I agree with Jamie...only you can control your reaction. Don't let sour feelings damage your relationship with him and his new wife. Embrace it. Be lighthearted about not being there for them. In the long run you know it was their choice, they just didn't go about it like you (or most people) would have.
love is for every her, love is for every him, love is for everyone
I'd even argue against "he didn't mean to...". Part of being a grown up is thinking about the consequences of your actions before you do something. How will this affect my future? How will this affect the ones I love? Will I regret this later? It's the reason you don't go on reality television, and it's the reason you don't elope.
If you want to run off to Vegas and get married, fine, but be prepared to hurt some feelings and face the fallout. She may get over it right away, but it's not unreasonable to harbor some anger, and that's 100% his fault. While a marriage is between two people, I'd argue that a family has a fair expectation of participation in the wedding.
Nancy, if you want to chill out and get over it, don't worry, I'll still be pisssed on your behalf.
I 1000% agree with Cracky here...and Jamie....and, on E's advice, if you need a walking partner to vent to, I will be more than happy to go with you
Hang in there Nancy, I would have reacted the same way (if I liked my brother
)
I just can't get very fired up about this. I'm of the "Well, it was *their* wedding" camp. I did the whole how-everyone-else-wanted-it wedding, and if I ever get married again, I will do whatever the heck I want and make it about the people who matter that day. Obviously, I have some resentment remaining from that whole situation.
I tend to not make waves when it comes to things like this. I don't see the benefit, onward and upward tends to be my mantra. And that's only because I've seen how making waves breaks people apart.
It sucks, but I think personally...I'd be as understanding as possible and offer to help host some sort of shower/bbq thingy at the earliest convenience of the couple. That to me would be a nice way to show support and make the new sister-in-law feel welcomed and get things off on the right foot.
Thanks for the input. I'm upset because I feel betrayed. I'm so happy he found someone worth marrying and I'm glad he's not half way across the country on his own like he has been for the past 7 years. I'm not going to let this ruin our relationship but it certainly changes it. I'm seeing him in a new light and that's not easy for me. But, nobody stays the same forever, which is good, so I should've expected some of it. I made my older brother understand that this sh!t won't fly and that I will not stand for being excluded from one more thing. He agreed to never go and do anything like this. I believe him. I also believed my younger brother too but...
I'll get over it. It's just still kind of fresh. I appreciate hearing the different points of view. Thanks for your time.