Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
boundaries?
Hi All-
Like everyone else, my MIL is the biggest PITA.. so is my SIL....
They are always calling and wanting to come over and see the baby or do something with my husband, me and the baby.. it's always just at the wrong times.. they just don't get boundaries and when they should leave us alone...
I consider myself a very nice/somewhat shy person.. I
am getting much better with being more stern and letting people know how
I truly feel...any pointers?
I guess the real question is.. how do you all set boundaries with the in laws?
Re: boundaries?
Where is your H in all of this? Does he think they over-step or is he fine with how much they're around?
He needs to be the one to tell them it's a bad time or that you need time for the 3 of you. If he's not willing to do this, you have a H problem.
IF the show up at the door, don't answer it.
If they call, let it go to voicemail.
Indeed you and your H shold sit her down and tell her she can come over when she is invited. I am sure that she would not like unbidden guests.
If she doesn't like it, too bad. YOUR home, YOUR rules. Simple as that.
First of all, it IS nice that they want to visit with the baby. You might not like them, but you could have worse problems than people loving your kid!
Anyway, if they call, you aren't obligated to pick up the phone! Let it go to voicemail. If you have caller id, you can screen the calls. Call them back later and tell them a good time.
If your dh tells them "sure, come over," - you have to have a discussion about how much time you'd like to spend with them. You can suggest that HE take the baby to see his mom / sister, so you can enjoy some free time. Also, if H invites them over, run out to go grocery shopping or get your nails done while your H entertains them.
It also helps if there are times that USUALLY work for you. So you can say "sorry, weekday evenings around here are really hectic. We're usually free on Sunday afternoon (or whatever day and time is good for you) - why don't we plan a visit then?"
Two initial thoughts -
First, yes, where is your DH on this? I'm not going to jump on the "Oh you have a horrible MIL" if it's actually your DH saying "Sure, come on over" and/or not willing to tell them NOT to come over.
Second, the thing about boundaries - it's really not on them to follow your boundaries. It's on you and your DH to set them and stick to them. As in, you have a "boundary" that they have to call before they come over? Well, if they show up w/o a phone call, it's on YOU to say "Sorry, now isn't a good time. Please call next time" and dont' let them in.
And back to the first thought, if your DH isn't willing to do that, then you have a DH problem.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This. You can't complain about people overstepping boundaries if no boundaries have been set.
When my MIL got to be overwhelming with our newborn, my husband had a talk with her. Our problem was instantly solved. We have not had an issue with boundaries ever since.
Most MILs are not evil monsters.
Agreed - where is and what does your DH say and do?
What do you mean "always at the wrong time?" If you are busy, don't pick up the phone if they call. If you have some type of routine, let them know, don't call after x time because we are eating, putting the baby down for the night.
Do they just drop by the house? In the 7 years my sister has been married I never have and never would do this to her and her family. If so, tell them it isn't working for you and they need to call first or make plans in advance.
But look at the positives, as least they are trying and want to be involved.
I agree with the thought that it's not fair to complain about boundaries if you haven't set them. I also think it unfair to label them as PITA for trespassing against something you haven't even set up.
Basically, you just tell them what your needs and boundaries are. Then adjust as you see fit or as the need arises.
I know two women who make weekly appointments with their MIL/Mother so that the baby-grandparent thing gets indulged. One woman has a "town" day with her mother - running errands, going to lunch, playing in the park and then down time at the grandmother's home. Another woman hosts a very modest lunch in her home while the MIL visits. She spends minimal time with MIL and uses the baby-grandparent time as a bonus for her to catch up on reading and doing enjoyable or necessary things around the house. Maybe an arrangement like that would be something you can try in exchange for no drop-ins?