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What would you gift for this wedding?
My cousin is getting married in Sept. and he is the groom. They have been together for about 5 or so years. I would describe my cousin's fiance as gentle, quiet, harmless, and (usually) intelligent. I think she fell into the bride black hole, however.
I recently learned that the bride and groom are paying
$60/plate (which I know they can't afford), and since I've become a SAHM, our budget is slim! I'd hate
for them to not even break even on our dinners, but the most expensive
dinner we've had in the past 3 mos. has been the Olive Garden!!
To add insult to injury, cousin and his fiance mostly don't attend family events. Two years ago, we attended a gathering of hers, then she didn't RSVP to my bridal shower and then never showed up either. At our wedding, they gave $50 and I assure you they have a good income.
I'm annoyed at having to slim our grocery budget to give for this wedding for two people in my own family who could never be bothered. I was thinking of giving $75. WWYD?
Re: What would you gift for this wedding?
What they gave you or what they make doesn't play a role in this.
Past that... I'd probably give about $50. You aren't close to them, you dont' see them much. I wouldn't spend a lot of money, especially if $$ is tight for you all.
I also dont' really see what they are spending per person matters. I don't subscribe to the "cover your plate" philosophy at all. Give a gift based on what YOU want to give that is based on YOUR budgte.
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I'd stop playing this tit-for-tat game, that's for sure. And stop worrying about covering the cost of your plate - you don't have to.
Give what you can afford. If that means a $25 item off their registry, so be it. If you can afford $75 and feel GOOD about giving it, then do it.
I'm not sure what this means, but the guidelines for a gift are the same guidelines that apply to all guests at all weddings: give what you can comfortably afford. If what you can afford is a nice card, it's acceptable to give that, since weddings are not fundraisers.
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I usually give a couple what they gave me. I used to be pretty generous and have received very few thank you's from wedding which I found quite offensive. Plus as far as cousins go- no one was generous toward us, even those who's weddings I had already been to. I know giving shouldn't be about receiving but H and I have huge families and don't really know how else to base the gifts. I assume if that's what they gave me, that's what they see as a fit monetary gift.
Don't worry about the cost per plate- that's what they chose to spend. I spent way more on my reception than what I received in gifts and expected that. I didn't have a reception to "make money" but to celebrate my wedding the way I wanted to.
1) Ew at all the judgement you're throwing out at them. Stop gossiping about what their wedding costs. You sound like a tool.
2) Stop with the Excel spreadsheet tit-for-tat game you're playing.
3) Find something on their registry you can afford, or give a gift card in the amount you can afford.
I personally feel that what a couple spends on a wedding/reception is purely what they want to spend, however they want to celebrate the joyful occasion, and whatever comes in as gifts is a bonus. However, I've learned that others have another perspective.
DH's family openly uses a wedding as a fundraiser, so one gift is larger then the next. They also have certain standards that the wedding must meet, like dessert tables, wine on every table, etc. This is what leads to every gift being so significant. I don't understand it or even identify with it. My own wedding to DH was full of drama, but that's another story for another day...
The thank you issue drives me insane. I really don't understand why people don't send thank you notes.
LOL this was not a significant part of the issue, but it's a multi-faceted comment that means that while I usually have respect for the bride's intelligence, I can't understand the decisions she has made since being engaged. Maybe she fell into a black hole and a crazy bride version of herself took over...
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What I would do is give a gift I could afford. If $75 feels right to you and fits into your budget, that's great. If it stretches your budget too much, reduce the amount to one with which you are comfortable.
What I wouldn't do is choose a number based on payback, spite, or anything else. The amount they gave you, how much they make, whether or not they attend family events, and what they're paying per plate for their wedding are all irrelevant.
I would give $50 or less. Give what you can afford. If you want to be tit for tat, as my ex's family was, then give what they gave you. My ex's family (who all have the money) all spoke with what they were giving at the 3 family weddings so that no one "looked bad..."
Give what you can. You aren't close with them anyway.
I'd give what I could afford and not worry one moment about what tacky people might say about it. Commenting on another person's gift is simply rude!
Spreading through the grapevine what one is paying per head for a party one's hosting is also unbelievably rude, as is the expectation that one's guests should "cover their plates." If that's the modus operendi in that family, I really think I'd decline all future wedding invitations and send a nice card with a check included.
If you don't like them and resent that you haven't seen them in two years, don't go at all!
Aside from that, ditto Susie. Pick something from their registry and give that. Skip her shower.