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Husband thinks we spend too much time with my family...
My husband and I have only been married for a little over a year. He started disliking aspects of my family when we were just dating, he always felt that we spent too much time with them. My family and I are very close, we have a lot of holiday traditions, family bbqs and annual camping trip every summer. These are all things I love and have been proud of. Although my family has their issues, not every one is always the nicest and can be a bit frustrating and annoying at times, but I think most families are that way, aren't they? So my issue right now is that our annual camping trip with my family is coming up next week, it's been planned and we said we are going for the past year. Now, my sisters and I had an argument but it was silly and everyone got over it, since the argument my husband said it's too much, too much time with them, they're not nice and he doesn't want to go. I understand that he came from a completely different family life but shouldn't his love for me and support for me over power his dislike for them? I don't know how to solve this without choosing sides. I need help...
Re: Husband thinks we spend too much time with my family...
Love isn't going to make this all better. His love for you isn't going to make him tolerate your family if he doesn't like them. And you knew he didn't like spending so much time with your family while you were dating.
Exactly how much time DO you guys spend with your family? Once a week? Twice a week? Need more info to craft an appropriate response.
More questions: do you spend time with your H's family as well? Does your H not want to spend time with family at all (yours or his) or just yours? Give us more information about the recent argument. And in what other ways does your H think that they're "not nice?"
We usually have at least one event a month, either a birthday or work function (I work for our family business) or a BBQ or something. They are all one day events and usually only for about 4-6 hours or so. This one camping trip, which is 5 days long, is the only thing that is for any extended amount of time.
Yes, I've always known he didn't like things about my family but we've spent the same amount of time with them since day one and I don't think it's fair now to say it's too much. I've even said No to some non-holiday or b-day events to please him but it still feels it isn't enough...
We spent time with his family, but very rarely in comparison to mine. His family is pretty distant, they don't celebrate any holidays because his mom is Jehovah's Witness but my husband isn't. But he doesn't have an emotional tie to holidays and birthdays or family traditions because he didn't grow up that way. He even said he is ok with the holidays but the monthly non-holiday bbq or something and the camping trip is too much for him. This camping trip is something I've been doing since I was 8 years old and is an important family tradition I thought we would always be apart of.
The argument I had with my sisters was silly, it was about dividing up the money and food for the camping trip, they both have kids but of different ages and didn't think they should have to pay the same when one kid is 6 and one is only 1. It was seriously ridiculous and I'm usually the filter between my sisters and the reasonable one. But this argument annoyed both my husband and I, so after that he said he was done and it's too much and isn't going.
I'd say that he should skip the bbq events every other month. That's fair. Of course, you'll tell your family that he has some other obligation.
As for the camping trip, I was going to say that he should suck it up and go. BUT... five days is a LONG time. I'd cut it down to 2-3.
I honestly see your point here, but I don't necessarily love spending my free time with my inlaws either. I like them and we enjoy each other's company, but I wouldn't want to spend five days in a row with them, or commit to a party every month.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Go without him! You arent sewn together at the hip.
Sit down agree on how oftern he will go and go the other times without him.
Problem solved.
here's the thing-what's the norm for YOU isn't the norm for HIM. you both have to compromise-you see them less and he agrees to see them more-meet in the middle. i think if he's saying this so much it's probably true.
and as for this "but shouldn't his love for me and support for me over power his dislike for them?" he can turn it around and say the same thing "shouldn't her love for me and support for me over power her need to see them so much". in either case it's a stupid comment-as love isn't the cure all for disagreements-compromise and having the OTHER persons best intentions at heart is.
I can see both sides to this issue.
On your side, your DH does need to make an effort to realize that just because your family is different than his, that's all it is - different. not wrong. And to a degree, he did marry you knowing that you were close to your family.
However, to his side, just because he's gone along w/ it until now (which to me, shows that he was making a genuine effort!) doesn't mean he should have to go along w/ it forever more. In that genuine effort, he may have come to realize that he really genuinely doesn't like being around your family that much!
To both of your sides - you can do stuff w/o your DH too. You are married, but you don't have to do everything together. He can bow out of some events. With this family camping trip - maybe compromise and only go for a couple days (I love to camp, but a long weekend is more than enough for me!). Or he comes for just a couple days but you stay the whole week.
It's easy for you to blow off the quirks of your family - you've grown up around it so it's easier for you to roll with it. That obviously isn't the case for your DH and there needs to be some effort here to see his side. It's "no big deal" to you, but some of this stuff is making him out and out disliek your family. Insisting that he go to everything isn't going to make that better. Allow him some distance.
BUT again, this also needs to involve him making the effort to understand that your family is jsut different than his. Different, not wrong.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Have you considered going on the camping trip without DH?
Your DH is probably saying it's "too much" now because after a while things can get old. He may have been doing his best to cope before, but is finally getting to the point where he doesn't want to cope anymore.
I'm on the reverse side of your situation, somewhat. My BF is much closer to his family, and he spends much more time with them than I do with mine. When I tell him I don't want to go to family events, he is OK with that. I just do my own thing and he does his. I don't see a reason why, if he doesn't want to go, you can't continue the tradition with your family without him there.
My family is spread apart as well, and we only get together one time of the year: Thanksgiving. It is a tradition for us to spend a week together having fun - a tradition that I love also. If BF/DH didn't want to go, I would not assume that meant I cannot go either. My point is just go! Have fun! You have the rest of your lives together to do things. If he really doesn't want to go, don't force him. Let him take the week as a vacation for some "DH time" while you go have some family time! Try to put a positive spin on it if you can. Good luck!
I wouldn't use this argument. He could just as easily turn it on you and say that if you loved him, he would come before your family.
I would suggest a compromise. Cut the camping trip short at least for him. Five days on a trip with people you don't like is very very hard. For birthdays / BBQs take separate vehicles so that he can leave when he feels he is done.
As far as holidays are concerned, they probably are just going ot be weird for him for a while. I suggest starting a few fun traditions on your own, just the two of you. For instance, my husband and I really enjoy driving around town looking at Christmas lights. We usually stop somewhere to eat and grab a coffee and just drive around.
It's not necessarily silly, but the point is that the two of you are a family now. Your own family unit. He didn't marry your family, he married you. He's not a Your Family Appendage, he's his own person along with being your husband. If he doesn't want to go, he shouldn't have to - if he wants to go FOR YOU, he will, but IMO that's his call.
Do you want him to go, or do you want him to WANT to go? Because right now, based on your OP, it seems like you just want him to go and are ignoring his wants.
You don't always have to be honest and tell them he just doesn't want to spend a week with them. Why not suggest he couldn't get the time off from school/work?
I don't think it makes you a bad wife - I think it makes you someone who is still learning how to be married. How to sacrifice what you want for the sake of your spouse, how to compromise or negotiate. That's a huge part of what marriage is about, and that's fine - it's a learning curve.
If your family questions why he's not there, tell them that he's busy and has things to take care of. They don't need to know everything, do they? Is everything their business, and is that maybe why things are "too much" for him? Again, he didn't marry your family, he married YOU. Keep that in mind.
If they take it as a personal attack (no matter what you say), then that's up to them. You canNOT control other peoples' reactions, no matter how much you might love or care for them. Their reactions are on them.
Good luck!!
I understand that he came from a completely different family life but shouldn't his love for me and support for me over power his dislike for them? I don't know how to solve this without choosing sides. I need help
I guess my idea of being married meant that we would go to family gatherings together...Is that silly to expect?
I guess part of me is ignoring his wants and that makes me a really bad wife.
Ok I am going to be completely honest with you. You come across as a little whiny, needy and manipulative. I bolded your above statements because they really stood out to me. You just need to stop for a minute. He doesn't like your family, they aren't his kind of people. Now that doesn't mean that he should never visit with them or be apart of family get togethers, but he is telling you that they are a bit too much for him now, especially with a long camping trip coming up. There has to be a compromise on both of your parts. He needs to suck it up and go to a few of these things with you because it makes you happy and you need to stop with the bad wife, if you really loved me nonsense.
If you work for the family business, I'm betting that you actually see/spend time with your family WAY more than one day per month. Be honest here.
How terrific that you are so close to your family. But you KNEW that your husband didn't grow up with those types of expectations, and you KNEW that he wasn't crazy about spending so much time with your family. Shame on him for not doing something about this before he married you, but shame on you for continuing to push your expectations on him knowing how he feels.
I love my MIL. But I would rip my hair out if I was expected to spend a full day a month with all of my inlaws. And there's no way in the world that I would want to spend 5 full days camping with them.
If you can't bring youself to start letting go of some of your "traditions", at least stop forcing your husband to come along too. As far as the camping trip - let him stay home. He's not going to have any fun anyway, which will only serve as a downer to everyone else there.
You two have to do what is best for you, him and you two as a couple. I know someone whose husband does not attend any events with his wife's family. It works out just fine for all of them. I know someone else who has to have two holiday (major catholic holidays) with his and two with hers. This was difficult because one family had all those holidays off and the other worked in the field where they were mandatory work holidays.
Just because they do not celebrate them in the same manner you do does not take away from the fact that time should be spent with family.
There comes a time when you have to start to live your life as a couple and for some that means not attending all family events like you did before you were married.
Then you should have married someone who wanted and thought the same thing.
No, but you may be wrong to expect to spend the same amount of time with your family and going to the same number of family events as you did prior to being married. It doesn't always work out that way.
ECB makes a good point here - exactly what I was wanting to touch on...
Be careful when there are 'ridiculous' or petty tiffs between you & your family. Blood can forgive & forget, but IL's remember stuff like that and add it to the 'dislike' list. Watch your involvement with DH & these little arguments.
Your DH may associate your sisters with drama and just might not want to isolate himself with them. FWIW, even if DH was ecstatic about your family, 5 days is a lot to ask. Personally, I am a people-person very much, but stick me in the wilderness with the same people with no where to have 'me time' and I may just scream.
I get along with dh's family, but if I had to spend 5 days with them, I would tear my eyeballs out. I don't have to worry about this, b/c dh would never subject himself, let alone me, to that.
In addition to everything else, I think you need to stop being the "go-between" when your sisters argue. They are big girls, they can take care of their own problems. If they complain to you, tell them "this doesn't involve me, I know the two of you can work out your differences by yourselves." I do this with my children, who are ages 6 and 8! I'm sure you feel powerful or needed in this role, but it's not healthy for you and it's starting to annoy your H that you are involved in their drama.
If your sisters have fights about how much to pay FOR FOOD for this trip, then yes, you are spending too much time together. Maybe if you cut down the holidays and the bbqs and the trips, you would enjoy each other's company more and not waste time on stupid arguments.
When you married your husband, you created your own family. You and your husband need time to create your own traditions.
You have a finite amount of resources (time, money, vacation days, etc.). You and your husband need to agree about allocating resources to spending time with your family and allocating resources to spending time as your own family.
It might really help for you to prioritize which gatherings are the most important to you. It isn't necessarily realistic to expect that you will be able to participate in all the family traditions that you had when you were growing up.
Five days is a long time to spend camping with your family, especially when people have been fighting before the trip even begins. I'm sure it doesn't seem long to you because it's tradition and you are comfortable but please try to see it from an outsider's point of view. Five days with cramped conditions and clashing personalities can easily drive someone up the wall.
You sound very manipulative. And your sisters sound like a PITA to be around.
You're married now. Your dh does not have to prove he loves you by spending every effing holiday and vacation watching you and your family pick at each other. And this business that if he doesn't come, your family grills you and won't take no for an answer to their plans? Come on.
When do the two of you do things, as your own unit? That's what you should be workingon. Plan your OWN traditions, make your OWN holiday rituals and traditions. Not just making your dh a mandatory add on.
Too, since you've known before marriage that your husband felt strained around your family (and you count that towards your family not always being polite/friendly/whatever) then you shouldn't make that even more an issue in his eyes: stop being the filter between your sisters and let them work things out like functioning adults. And I don't know if the tiff was infront of your husband or not, but he shouldn't have been a witness to it or a sounding board for you over the matter. All that did/does was cement what he *doesn't* want to be around.
I think its a lot to ask someone. Your married now, you have a new family, put your DH first and foremost. If your DH does not want to go, don't make him. Why would you force him to do something he doesn't want to do? DH and I go separate ways all the time for family stuff and its better that way, as well as skipping events we rather not attend. Camping for 5 days with your family is way too much, most I can ever handle IL's is in small doses, 5 days is just asking for trouble.