Rhode Island Nesties
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
those who lost a parent
I have a really strange question for you...
Do you go to his/her grave site often?
I, for some reason, do not go as often as I thought I would. It has not been engraved with my dad's name yet (long wait, several months), so maybe that is part of the reason? who knows. Last time I went was quite a while ago, several months, didn't go father's day or his b-day, but I did do things that remind me of him or that he liked to do on special days liek that. But I just couldn't get to the cemetary. I think about going, but never actually make it there. I was just wondering what others do- maybe what you did more towards the beginning of the time of their passing (my dad was in March for those who may not recall the actual time frame).
Re: those who lost a parent
My Mom was cremated so she doesn't have a grave site. But, I know for a fact that if she had one I wouldn't visit it very often. I've lost several loved ones and friends over the years and I can honestly say I've never visited any of their sites. My way of thinking is, they're not there, their soul...who they really are...has left this earth. I honor my Mom by looking at pictures, talking about her, etc.
What I do on days that have meaning (her birthday, anniversary of her passing, holidays, etc.) is do something that maybe we would have done together. On her birthday I make her favorite meal and dessert for example. I also buy a little something that I would have bought for her, for myself. Nothing big...just a little something that may have meant something to both of us.
There is no right or wrong when it comes to this kind of stuff. It takes a long time as it is to even come to terms with losing a parent, so you just haven't found your "groove" yet, so to say. You'll get there. And if it means not visiting his grave often, then so be it. Do what feels right to you.
HUGS!
My dad was cremated and doesn't have a grave site yet. When my mom dies she wants to be cremated as well and be put in together. That is what they decided.
I still celebrate his birthday especially with my daughter; we have a cake and sing Happy Birthday. Makes me feel better. For father?s day I donate something in his name, usually a tree. I do the same for my Godfather Jim (who was my dad?s brother) I was extremely close to him. When we go to Disney we go visit our brick that my Dad bought for us. Silly things that make me feel better and connected.
The birth of my daughter was rough, I sobbed that he wasn?t there so many times and her birthdays are really rough for me. But I tell her stories and show her pictures all the time. That is the best I can do to honor her memory.
It?s different for everyone and you will find your way . Just do what feels right, not what someone expects you to do.
My dad was cremated so she doesn't have a grave site. I think I would visit it if he did.
I always celebrate him on his birthday and anniversary. He loved cupcakes and I always make a batch of his favorite yellow cake and have some.
We visit my mom's site semi-often. My brother Nat and I went on Sunday to visit and the time before that had been mother's day when we did all the work and planted rose bushes, put down mulch etc.
I find it peaceful there (it is out in Rehoboth, Ma and is very serene). My Grandfather, older brother, and great grandparents are buried there in plots in front of my mom. So we visit them as well.
I do feel a connection when I go there. Funny story though, Elijah, thinks Grandma Linda is now a "Rock" in heaven! LOL!
I really only go on fathers day. I take his convertible out for a drive that day to the cemetary. I figure he would like that. When he died i gave the car to his neighbor/best friend and he lets me drive it when ever i want.
I had planned on going for his birthday as well but its in january so there is normally snow. I watch a video montage that my videographer made for me of my dad on his birthday instead. He passed away after my wedding but before i got my wedding video.
I rarely get to my dad's gravesite, mainly because I'm not geographically nearby (I'm in CT, he's buried in WNY). Even so, when I go up to visit my mom, I can count on one hand the number of times I've visited the site. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't go visit, but the way I look at it is the gravesite is just where his body is buried. I try to remember him other ways - I think of him often during football & hockey seasons (he was a big Bills & Sabres fan, and we used to always watch the games together), and at various other times throughout the year. Thanksgiving and Christmas are always tough, since he died mid-November, and our family used to always make a big deal about Christmas.
It takes a while, but you'll find your own way to grieve and to remember - no one can tell you what's right or wrong for you.
I don't go visit my mom's site too often either. I honestly think the last time was after a doctor's appointment when I first found out I was pregnant.
I actually work like 3 miles from where she's buried but I have learned that going just makes me cry about it more so then normal - and she's been gone 13 years.
It's a personal thing to do. I don't think it makes you "good" or "bad" to go a lot or not much at all. You know you are thinking about them. They know. That's all that matters.
xo
Thank you all so much for sharing! I can really take a part from what everyone had said and said it myself. I too get more upset when I went to the cemetary, crying when I feel as though I am in a way happier with memories sometimes. Oh, and my dad had a convertable too. I talked my mom into keeping it b/c it would have killed me if she got rid of it right now, the memories of how much he enjoyed it and was so excited for DD to be in a booster seat so we could take her for little rides close to home (which was this summer-that sucks, but I have done this a couple times liek going back roads to go get corn or little rides
).
I feel better about not going as often as I thought I would have and what I feel expected to, but do exactly what you all do on special days, even just in daily life too- especially trying to keep his memory alice for DD. I am in the process of taking pictures I used to make DD's yearly Shutterfly books, pulling out pics of her and my dad or things she did with my parents or what reminds us/her of him and putting a book together for her of "Grandpa".
Thank you all again for helping me feel better!!!
Too funny about the convertible...
My dad bought my mom a corvette the autumn before she passed. She never got to drive it. Dad was going to get rid of it, but I remember pitching a fit (what can I say, I was 15 when she died). He still has it, and I think he's happy he kept it. I'm sure it was tough for him right at first, but now, he loves it.
Ugh, having to drive by all the time, that is tough. I would be the same way, say I will stop and just can't do it all that much. It does take just so much out of you, more than I think our loved ones would want us to deal with... that is actually a good way of looking at it. I think I have gotten into a better place with myself and not going like I thought I should/would have, dealing with the memory of my dad in different ways rather than getting SO upset by a grave site of stone, but would like to try and get there a tiny bit at least for DD when she asks or when the stone gets engraved maybe.
I am dreading the anniversary as well. My dad's is obviously awhile away, but I think I will have to take the day out of school (it is a friday and i hate taking fridays out!- just looks so bad)...but i really will not be able to be at work all day and be thining of everything, I just know it. I would like to do something special with my mom- assuming she wants to do the same. She has already set up an anniv mass for the following day so at least I have that already in mind. I am also worried for my mom on their wedding annin (Nov.). I don't know what to do for her then. I know ther really isn't much I really can do, but I wish I could do something. It will be hard for her b/c that is about the time they are always away at their time share, which she is in the process of trying to sell (last place they went away together).
This has been good therapy all around. ;-)
Definitely remember your mother on their anniversary. It's still a special day for her, even though he's no longer here. Send her a card, give her a call, stop in for a visit. Anything you would normally do for their anniversary is what you could do for the first anniversary after he's gone. Let her know that you didn't forget, and that you still think it's an important day too.
My mother advises children not to forget their parents' anniversary when one parent has passed. She was 34 when we lost my father. She didn't know how she was supposed to feel when those dates came along. They held importance to her, but it seemed that everyone around her forgot and that they felt it shouldn't have mattered anymore (except for my sister and I, but we were little kids and couldn't do much on our own at that point). Definitely not the case! Even 20 years later, I still call my mom specially on their anniversary, and she's been remarried for about 15 years.
Glad this has helped, esp since your DH prob wouldn't ask anyone or may not have anyone to ask. My dad's stone was just finished a few weeks ago and I still haven't gone (that was my excuse, or I was thinking it was). I really want to go see it, but we honestly have been really busy and the cemetary closes early that it makes it hard some days. Now that I woul dhave had a day free on Sunday, it is going to rain. figures. maybe next weekend...no excuses.