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Hate the teenage years!
I spent the night crying and losing sleep because I just don't know how to act around my daughter anymore. She is so shut down with me. I ask questions and it is like pulling teeth with her to get answers. Example she is in drivers ed and I asked, "What did you do today?" Her, "Take notes" Me "On what kind of stuff" Her, "Lots of stuff".
When my daughter was very young she would want to cuddle, told me all the time she loved me, always wanted to be with me. Now, it is the total opposite. She never hugs, kisses, or tells me she loves me (unless I say it first). If I even try to hug her, she tells me "Don't touch me." I have never felt to hated in all my life. It hurts so bad and I don't even know what to do anymore. I have tried being nicer, giving her space, not asking questions.
I have tried counseling with her and it didn't do any good. I thought maybe she was on drugs, that was not the case. She has tons of friends, very well liked by kids her age.
Now my husband (daughter's stepfather) and her get along great. My daughter loves him to death. Which I will say I am so grateful for since there is alot of marriages where the new husband and children do not get along, but... I am so jealous. I wish she treated me the same way. My husband just keeps saying, "She loves you... it is just that.. .you are mom."
And.... this isn't the first time I have gone through the "teenage years." I have a 22 year old daughter. Now I know that teenagers don't get along the greatest with their parents and when they seem to get older, they appreciate them more, but my oldest daughter was nothing like this.
I love her so much, I just don't know what to do anymore. I even wish I could afford to go away for about a month - put some distance between us.
Thanks for listening to my rant.
Re: Hate the teenage years!
This is normal behavior. Nothing you said is setting off alarms. Your counselor should have made that perfectly clear.
Is she doing well in school? No drugs or drinking? sex? Violent?
I know it hurts like hell when they are mean to you, especially when you dont think there is any reason.
Not all kids are the same, not all will go through this horrible phase the same way, stop comparing them! I have 3 and all are completely different! It will pass!
Well, stop taking it personally, first off. You have to have a thicker skin here. She's separating from you. She's a good kid, she's doing well in school, has friends, she's not on drugs, she just has to separate from home and parents. She's friends with your dh because they're more like friends, not parent/child, she doesn't have a separation issue with him.
And you have some separating to do too, sad to say. I have two teenage boys, sixteen and eighteen, and it's killing me to watch them pull away, but that's what they're supposed to do, and I have to let them. So tmaybe get yourself busy with your own interests, take a class, make some pottery, concentrate on yourself. The more separating you can do, the less she'll have to do, and it may bring you closer.
I figure my kids are pretty much adults now. They just have to practice at it. So the more I can let them act like adults, the more they can be adults, and the better they'll be at it when they do leave home. The fact that your older daughter's separation was not so difficult is meaningless here. They're different people. And you may not have taken it as hard, since you still had one at home. Hang in there, I know it's hard.
I remember being at this stage, and I remember being annoyed when my mom would grill me for details about my day. It felt as though my life weren't mine, as though she felt it was "ours" and that I was obligated to tell her everything and take the inevitable copious unsolicited advice that would come as she heard about it. I resented not having my own life, and rightfully so, I think.
Mrs. D, think about how you interact with adults you're close to. Do you need every single detail of every single day, or is a "My day was fine; how was yours?" sufficient? It's time to let go.
ed: I'm still shaking my head at this. What did you do at school today? What did you take notes on? Come on, you KNOW what she did at school. She went to class, had lunch, same thing every day. And you know what she took notes on - you know what classes she has. Hell, this would drive me nuts now, and I'm 32. If you want to be closer to her, then talk to her about things. Ask her what she thinks of Obama's presidency so far, or what she'd change about how things in the country are run if she could.
Awww, it made me sad to read this post. Like some other commenters I could relate to where your daughter is coming from. I was super close with my mom when I was a child, but as soon as I turned 14, I wanted to be nowhere near her. It was all about my friends and being accepted by my peers. Now, I'm in my later 20s and my mom and I are super close again. But the relationship has changed, and I understand her so much better, and appreciate her advice and wisdom.
This post makes me think back to what a pain in the @ss I must have been to my mom as a teen. And it makes me love her more that she's still around and puts up with me. Just be patient. Give her space, but be open when she wants to come to you. And it's great that she feels like she can go to your husband. At least one of you can talk to her right now. She'll come around. Just know that even on her most horrid days, she does love you.
They used to call this "The Generation Gap." She's growing up and as the PP said, she's looking to establish her independence.
Give it a couple more years -- she'll vehemently deny you're her mom, even if you are 2 inches away from her. hehe
As long as she keeps up her grades, is an overall good kid, stays out of trouble and is responsible, you have nothing to worry about.
Oh My God, QFT.
This is why I cannot be at my parent's house for more than 4 days. STILL. At 27. If I think my mother's questions are inane and needless now, imagine what a hormone-laden 16 year old thinks about it.
She won't give you some fanciful answer with a problem only you can solve for her so you can be close again like in the old days, yada yada. It's school.
THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH EVERYONE. I do not think you realize how much better you have all made me feel. And I think you are all correct.
TarponMonoxide - I try to put myself in her shoes and think of how I was at her age. Problem is... that was along time ago and hard to remember. lol : )
She is awesome in school, gets great grades, isn't doing drugs or having sex.
CurlyQ - what you said really hit hard for me and I think you may be 100% correct. Your words felt like it was actually my daughter telling me how she felt. I am going to go home after work, give her a hug and kiss (if she likes it or not) lol... And tell her I am here for her, and I will try to back off and give her more space.
Thank you again so much everyone. I am so glad I wrote on here today!
You are right - I need to think of the conversation with her as I would speaking to an adult.
The notes thing I will disagree with though. Maybe I didn't explain well enough. I was questioning what she had learned that day in drivers ed. She is/was excited about drivers ed - just like any other teenager would be - and she would tell me what she learned that day in drivers ed. So I asked her, well - notes on what? So, I won't be asking that question anymore.... this is her last week of drivers ed, and I think she is getting very bored as it is only class time, so that could be why she is sick of the questions regarding it.
Awwwww... Thank you. You made me cry! : ) Good cry though. lol
This is normal. I know it must be hurtful - I know it was hurtful to my mom when I was trying to separate from her at that age - but it's definitely normal.
My mom was a helicopter and the more she hovered the more I wanted to slam my door in her face and assert my independence. My dad on the other hand was very hands-off and never pried about anything. That's why he was the one I turned to if I really needed to talk - I knew he would listen without immediately interrogating me.
Every kid is different and not all will go through this stage but while your daughter is going through it you really just need to back off and try not to take it personally. Time does cure it. I still don't like it when my mom tries to be too involved, because she is by nature a very nosy person, but we are good friends now.
I totally agree. I remember my mom and I, even if I was annoyed with her that day would still come together on Sunday nights and watch "6 feet under". It was a little bonding thing we did, and that would always kind of put to bed any silly rifts we had during the week. And if you do find something like this, just enjoy being together with her and what it is you are doing, and don't try to pry or get her to talk more about the other stuff. Just be in the present moment and relax and enjoy.
Wow, that was a little over the top dramatic! Congrats, it sounds like you have a normal teenager that is trying to gain her independence. She wants privacy and doesn't want to have to answer mundane (to her) questions that aren't important to her.
As long as you know she is doing well in school and not getting into any kind of trouble, I would let her call the shots on what's fair game for discussion. She'll be more likely to come to you when she has something important to discuss if you lay off the questions and nosiness. I'm sure right now she feels like she will be interrogated if she tells you something personal about herself, so she just shuts down instead.
Just wait until she's actually driving on her own...you think you're stressed and feel left out now! I know you said you have a 22 yr old and she wasn't like this, but all kids are different to some degree.
perhaps she's tired of being compared to the older one.....
Eeeeee I can understand where she is coming from. I would have been mortified, MORTIFIED if my mom took me to counseling because I wouldn't open up to her all the time. Her thinking I was on drugs would have been just as humiliating. I say just give her some space, not the silent treatment, just some space and let her be.
I also like PP advice of having one thing to have in common. Now, that does not mean you can start to latch onto something that she enjoys ( ex. Twilight); that would make her resent you more. But try out a few TV shows and see if maybe she watches them with you too.
Then 99% of your battle is won. Congrats!
She is NEVER compared to the older one.
Went home yesterday and talked about random stuff. She was very upset, I found out that her boyfriend of 2 months told her that he didn't like her as much as he use to. I asked if she wanted to talk about it, she said no. I reminded her that I was there if she wanted to talk.
She later came in the living room and we watched Big Brother together. Made fun of Rachael, (which we like to do. lol). So I agree with the tv watching. Big Brother seems to be our show together that we like to watch.
My kids and I have our best conversations when we're not looking at each other. In the car with one driving one riding, or playing cards, watching tv, whatever; but the focus is at least seemingly on something else. Then when whatever comes up, we talk about that.
When they bring up big disappointments, I generally sympathize, then offer something fun in the next day or two, some little treat, but not tied to the disappointment. Just something to make getting over it a bit easier.
This post makes me sad but I'm so glad I read it. Our daughter is only 4 years old and she's still in the "snuggle me, mom?" stage of her life. Her whole tiny universe revolves around me and my husband.
Thanks for reminding me to drink up every moment and not take any of it for granted. Before I know it, it will all be changed.