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50% Sister, 100% Fabulous 1000% Jealous
A little backstory:
My half sister and I are 9 years and 362 days apart. My dad made me leave my 10th birthday party to go see her. And I had managed to get one of the popular girls to come. Ugh! I think the resentment started there.
Since then, we have grown up very differently. She's a Chicago girl with designer clothes, a fancy car, debutante balls and a standing weekly hair and nail appointment. I grew up in Milwaukee. We were poor and I have always been a nerd with bad hair. She was just too cool for me (I also have a goofy, underachieving half-brother that I identify with more). I figured that I'd even the playing field as I moved to Chicago, went to college, got my own place and started a career and family. I figured "I'll get there".
Well, I lost my job two years ago and I'm having no luck finding another. I was just starting my career and all the sudden *poof* it's over. So not only am I not catching up to her, I'm falling way behind.
This year was full of milestones for both of us. DH and I got married in May and it was a budget affair: friends and family did my hair and makeup. A week later, she went to prom and had TWO dresses and a professional hair and makeup team. My dad almost pulled her from the wedding because he had to pay for her prom.
Now she's graduated from high school and on her way to college in Mississippi. My dad and stepmom are throwing her a "trunk party" (come bring the student everything they'll need for college). I'm dreading it. I have a new dress but it's nothing fancy or designer. I can't afford to get my hair done right now. I've gained weight (my stepmom's sister posted something about it on my FB wall...thanks). And amongst all those Range Rovers and Acuras and Lexuses, we will be pulling up in a very dinged-up Chevy Malibu.
Sigh. I just can't snap out of it.
Re: 50% Sister, 100% Fabulous 1000% Jealous
I would skip the party and send a nice card, and, if you can afford it, a gift. It doesn't sound like your family treats you very well, and that's probably the last thing you need right now. I'm sorry you're going through hard times. I hope your unemployment is short-lived.
1 - I think you need to see someone. This is not normal. A small amount of jealousy, totally get that. This much, not healthy. Go talk to someone. Please.
2 - I am the oldest of 3 girls and there is 5 years separating my youngest sister and I. That alone caused issues growing up because we're in totally different phases of our lives (until recently anyway!). If I were 10 years older, I don't know that I'd be able to really relate well to my sister until I was 40 and she was 30!!
Teenagers are notoriously self absorbed and most of them grow out of it and become normal adults eventually. It sucks that you two grew up so differently, but at some point the realities of life outside of teenagerhood will catch up to her too.
3 - if you want to have a normal and healthy relationship with her down the road, you really need to work through your hang ups. See number 1.
Your lives are not a competition to see who is better than the other. Live your life, do what makes you happy and who gives a rip what she (or anyone else for that matter) thinks.
I get the vibe that this is an on-going competition for 'good enough' & it shouldn't be. The material items don't define a person - their actions do. If you want to, surround yourself with those who feel " better quality things=better quality person" but I would hope that you wouldn't want to put yourself in that position, because it would seem uncomfortable for you. Am I correct?
On another note, being a caregiver, I have seen some, experienced some, & heard some things that have made me realize an important lesson. The only expectations that should be focused on exceeding are those of your own & those who love you - geniunely. True Happiness is measured by emotions & moments ... not designer dresses & new cars. Those things don't, & won't later, matter in life.
I hope that you realize that there is no comparing needed. It's not going to be the end of the world if you guys don't go or if you choose to go & bring something simple. It's her decision to go to college & their decision to throw her a 'trunk party'. This is not your problem or responsibility. For what it's worth, I suggest to focus on yourself & the family you & your hubby (congrat's by the way!) are building the foundations for. Hope this helps!
It sounds like you're focusing on your sister to avoid being angry with your dad.
How would you feel if I paraphrased this post like this:
My dad treats my younger sister like gold and me like the second-string kid, even though I was born first. He even made me leave my own birthday party once to go see her, as evidence of how little regard he treated me with once she was born. He gives her everything, spoils her rotten, and the contrast is just so stark between what he has given her and what he has given me, and how he treats her and how he treats me. While he isn't a bad dad to me, it feels like he used me as a practice run for when he had his "real" family and his "real" daughter, and that hurts. But I still want his love, and find myself hating my sister so that I don't hate him.
Does this hit close to home?
She sounds spoiled and overindulged. Sheesh...who has "a team" for a stinkin' high school dance???
First of all, Just say you're 10 years apart (people round to the nearest year with these things!) saying 362 days is just weird.
Second, Jealousy sucks, I get why you are but instead of paying so much attention to your sister why not focus on why your dad and you have the relationship you do. Do you feel left behind? forgotten? Stop worrying about the stuff you have and your sister has and maybe figure out your dad issues instead.
I don't wish your sister anything bad, but aren't you a tad conserned that all of this excess is going to spoil any chance for her to have a normal, happy life?
Skip the party if you feel bad about yourself and aren't that happy for her college prospects. But no one really cares that you drive a Chevy and wear inexpensive clothes.
My 1/2 sister and I are not close - we did not grow up in the same house or with anything near the same values/childhood. She was always a distant figure and associated with my issues with my father and his choices. I got dragged to events of hers during my childhood and all of the family doting on her reinforced what an outsider my brother and I were in that life.
We are also 8+ years apart in age. I am now 34 and she is 25. About the time she graduated from college, I found her much more interesting as a person. We will never be close like siblings, I think of her like a cousin - have a lot of the same family, see each other around holidays some times, have known of each other all their life, get updates from family members.
Now I enjoy following her updates on her life on facebook and we can enjoy each others company when at a family event. It is easier when you don't expect much. She didn't come to my wedding, which was fine - it was an inconvenient time in the middle of her semester across the country. Should she get married, I will only go to hers if it is an easy trip. We have no pressures and no expectations on each other and found we like each other after all.
I think you just need to let some of this stuff go. It is quite common for younger siblings to have more stuff and freedom than their older siblings. Your dad is probably further along in his career so he has more money to spend. It happens a lot.
FWIW, I am the oldest of 7 kids and there is a difference of 18 years between me and the youngest sibling. You can bet he has more stuff and freedom than I ever had. My mom was the sugar police with me and I wasn't even allowed to have popsicles on hot days, but my brother has ice cream for a late night snack. It flabbergasts me how differently we were raised, but it is what it is.
My youngest sister who is 13 years younger than me might also get more help with her wedding than I did. What can I say, my parents will probably have more money to spend on her than they did with me. That's fine, I was surprised and happy that they were able to help me at all. I certainly won't have a hissy fit over it. Circumstances change, that's life. I was happy with whatever I got and it doesn't matter what my siblings get.
there are some things in life you can do something about and something you can't. many of your issues fall into the 'cant' category. those arent worth the worry.
so shes having a trunk party-great. if you can't make it send her a nice card and a gift card to pick something out for herself and be done with it.
dont let a lexus or a rover intimidate you. lexus are as common as wonder bread and i have a rover. its been in the shop more times than i can count (and it's new and on a lease)-while i lvoe it, it's a POS and there were a few times over te past few years that i would've given it back right away if I could have a car that operated properly-even an old beat up malibu. i bet your suspension never spontaneously gave out while doing 70 on a parkway did it-scariest moment of my life and like the hayride from hell. sure it's a nice truck-but lets face it-it's just a truck.
here's what im trying to say. it matters not what you drive or what you wear. i promise you that if you're nice and genuine people will like you no mattter what. i feel that your insecurities go FAR FAR past your half sister and really show more on your current life status. it's tough to lose a job-i've been there. 2 years is a long time. even if it's nothingto do with your education-get something else in the meantime and keep looking. you've gained weight? who hasn't when they're unemployed and depressed about it? BUT you have all day. jog around the block every day. use that time constructively. use it to learn to do your nails so well that no one will know you didn't go to the salon. exercise, volunteer-animal shelters, nursing homes etc... always need volunteers. the more meaningful things you do for yourself will make your perceived short-comings seem much less significant.
and stop comparing everything.
Good grief. Do you realize how shallow and materialistic you sound in this post? You start off with the fact that at age 10 you were scheming to get one of the "popular" girls to come to your birthday party, and you close by fretting about your dinged up car being compared to everyone else's fancy cars.
What's up with that?
And how can you possibly think that your half sister is "way behind" you, when you have a degree under your belt, life experience, and at least some foundation for a career. You have the misfortune of being one of the many people who have lost a job in recent years, probably due to the economy. Your sister is a CHILD, for pete's sake!
Stop comparing yourself to someone who is still a child.
Either go to the "trunk" party or stay home and send a nice card wishing your sister all the best as she starts her journey through college. FWIW, I think the idea of a "trunk" party is beyond tacky, and I would probably not go. It's her job and her parents' job to supply her with necessary supplies for college, not the obligation of her extended friends and relatives.
I get being frustrated that she seemingly gets everything she wants in life, and meanwhile you have to work for it (and sometimes you don't even get what you want even after working for it). I really do.
But, you know what, it happens. If it's not your sister, then it's going to be someone else. A friend your own age, a coworker, another family member, some guy down the street. Life isn't always fair. If you spend your time worrying about what everyone else has, rather than being happy with what YOU have, then you're just going to be a miserable person, because you will be encountering people like this for the rest of your life. Would a bigger wedding have made you more happily married? Would a nicer prom have given you better hair as an adult? Nope.
And sometimes, the lives of these "perfect people" aren't what they seem to be. I felt the same as you did to some friends of ours ... they had money to burn, bought a giant house when we were still saving, they did all kinds of cool things. I couldn't stand that they did everything on a whim and apparently were coasting through life. Then I found out they were up to their asses in debt, they have a number of personal problems, and they had to take in a roommate just to keep that giant house.
It's understandable to be annoyed that someone is just coasting through life on Mommy and Daddy's dime. It's normal to be worried that they're setting themselves up for failure as an adult by not earning their keep as a teenager. But to OBSESS over it like this is absolutely not normal. If you're not happy with your life because of a concrete reason, do something about it ... change jobs, diet and exercise, take up a hobby, whatever. But if you're unhappy with your own life simply because someone else seems to have it better than you, then you're causing yourself misery for absolutely no reason. Shake it off, or go see a counselor or a doctor to help you do so.
You're her big sister, and you will always be her big sister.
I imagine that my older (half) sister feels like you. We're about the same age apart as you guys. She grew up with her mom, and I lived with our dad and my mom. She got married right out of high school and had a bunch of kids. I went to college, graduate school, have a rockin' career, etc. She really doesn't talk to me anymore now that I'm older. Despite having an awesome life (made possible not by our dad, but by my mom, her step-mom, so there's one difference) - one thing I've always wanted was for my big sister to want a relationship with me. I don't think she realizes how much I love and respect her. But she ignores me, and it's hard to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you. So let me encourage you again to be her big sister and focus on your relationship instead of how gilded her life appears to be.
How are you "falling way behind" if she is only graduating high school? Why did you feel the need to "even the playing field" with an 8 year old by moving to Chicago and getting your own place? And your dad made you leave your birthday party to see your newborn sister and you're still bitter about that?
For these reasons I'm calling this mud.
On the off chance it's not- I have sisters who range in age from 14 - 21 years (and who knows how many days) younger than me. We were raised differently- my young parents were poor when I was younger, but not so much now. I was always the chubby, quiet girl; my sisters are all naturally thin and outgoing, often the life of the party. That's life. I've never been bitter or jealous of them for it. Get a grip.
Get it together woman! Slap your self around, put the rocky theme song on and start running all day, everyday. You have to be feeling good and looking for this party. Get a little color, either lay out or get a spray tan. Practice doing your hair or ask a girlfriend for help. She is a little girl and your are an educated woman. No matter how hard she tries you will always be ahead, so you better fake it till you make it!!
It's all about how you spin the situation.. Its so amazing being a stay at home wife, or whatever. Bottom line, don't focus on the negative, emphasize the positive and just have fun!
You can wrap up crap in gold plated wrap, put a big fancy bow on it and sprinkle glitter on it .....it is still crap.
Just be thankful you are a genuine good person. You dont need the fancy hair do, clothes, and car to pump you up. You are you and be proud of who you are!!
Most people I know who have all the luxuries people dream of are pretty shallow.
I'm in Kuus' camp.
That said, you seem down on your own life. You can't control what your father does, but you can control what you do. Sit down with some paper and take an assessment of your life. What is good right now? What do you wish would be better? Five years from now, where do you want to be?
Look at the good list, and feel proud of what you've accomplished. Then look at the other two lists. What is in your power that you can change? Can you go to school to get more skills? Can you volunteer to get more experience? Can you work with a career counselor to polish up your resume and interview skills? Empower yourself to be better.
This sounds more likely to be the real issue. I can somewhat understand. I have a half sister who is slightly less than 10 years younger than me. Yes her life is dramatically different than mine was at her age. My Dad has more patience and much more money than he did when I was that age, but I just can't imagine him not treating us equal now. I don't expect my Dad to do for me now as if I were still a child living at home, but you better believe I would be crushed if my sister's prom was more important than my wedding. I just can't understand this thinking and the only thing that I can truly believe at this point is this has more to do with stepmom than Dad or Sister. I say this because my Dad and ex-stepmother, half-sisters Mom, actually divorced because of her belief that their family together was more important than his "other kid." She would actually get mad when my Dad did things for me or attended events of mine instead of doing what she wanted him to do, she felt like they should always come first. I am sure your Dad was trained to be this way, but I could be wrong.
Secondly I can get feeling self conscious about what you drive/wear walking into this party. It seems that stepmom and her family are very judgemental based on outward appearances. I say this based on the comments about your weight and the whole designer clothing/best cars statements. Honestly if thats all these people care about and they are going to judge you based on what you dont have then their opinion really shouldnt matter. Obviously they are not the type of people you want to be buddies with anyway. If your not comfortable going then dont. An invitation is not an obligation.
I think that you should definitely make your Dad aware of how this situation has always made you feel and how its impacted your life and feelings of self worth. Even if nothing ever changes it would be worth it just to get it out and let him know how you feel.
You should try to remember that this is not your sisters fault though. She doesn't know anything different than this life she's been given. All teenagers are self absorbed. She will always be your sister. You never how she feels, she may resent not having a relationship with you. Ten years is a big age gap but it doesn't mean you can't be close. I am very close with my sister even though we have a huge age gap.
I understand jealousy between sisters. I am the oldest of 5 kids. The next one after me is 7 1/2 yrs younger (sister), then 9 yrs younger (brother), then 16 yrs younger (twin sisters).
My jealousy comes only with my 20 yr old sister. She's 7 1/2 yrs younger than I am. When my brother came around, I think I was already overly jealous of my sister, so he didn't really get any of it. Then when my (now) 11 yr old sisters were born, I was 16, and I was much more grossed out that my parents were still having s!x than I was to be jealous of them. And when I was 16 I wanted kids - it was the best birth control ever, but I loved them like they were my own kids (still do...)
Anyways -- back to my jealousy issues. My sister and I, being that we're so far apart, are also in completely different places in our lives, much like you and your sister are. My sister just graduated high school a few years ago, and she (should) be graduating college this year, however, being that she went part time for a semester I'm unsure if that's going to happen on time.
I sometimes still find myself being jealous of my sister, even though I have a lot of good things going for me. DH and I got married in Feb and I moved out, etc, etc, etc. However, I see that a lot of things are being handed to her that I had to work my a** off for when I was her age. She got to sit on her butt (in my opinion) during the last 3 years when she went to school, lived at home, and didn't really go full time. I, on the other hand, was working 4 jobs and taking extra classes because I had a double major. My parents couldn't afford to give me very much help financially, and I see them doling out money to help her afford college.
The jealous I had for her was more when she was in high school - just because I saw her being given all these things that I didn't have and wasn't given.
I hope that as she grows up, and becomes less ego-centric, that your relationship will become closer. My sister and I are becoming somewhat closer, though sometimes I still want to yell and scream because of something she's done.
IMO, I'd send a card and/or a gift if you can afford it. It sounds like there's a lot of animosity there, and I wonder if your sister may feel some of the same feelings you feel for her. I have found out that my sister has some jealousy towards me because of one thing or another. Perhaps, while she may not say it or show it, she has some jealousy towards you - just because of where you are in life. While you may not think everythings going great - you have things happening that she doesn't and may wish that she did have.
GL to you!