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How to remove a mother in law
My mother in law has moved in with me and my husband. It was temporary at first but now she has lived with us for a year and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon. Right now she is unemployed due to an old neck injury from years back. She refuses to have surgery to fix it and cannot work as it is right now. My husband and I are paying for everything, both working full time jobs. We have no kid, just a dog who is locked up all day because she is too lazy to let her out. She cooks dinner maybe once a month, never cleans anything except her bathroom, and sleeps all day long. I have reached the end of the road when she started to complain about not sleeping well due to the heat, hinting for us to by her an air conditioner. Please help!!
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The orgianal agreement was for her to live with us for 6 months, moving out before me and my husband got married so we could start our lives together. When the time came for her to leave, she finally (after three years of looking with no luck)found a job and we allowed for some more time, shortly after the wedding, for her to save some money and find a place. Three weeks into the job her neck issue started up and she could no longer work. When they told her she would need surgery to fix it so she could go back to work, we were somewhat ok with it. she need time to have the surgery and recover before going back to work and getting her own place. Now she refuses to have it, and will not be able to work. She is taking advantage of her son and daughter in law and won't take the steps to fix it. Everytime i bring it up with my Husband he says "she's family, what do you want me to do". He knows that i will not have kids with her in our house and thinks that she will be out of our house by the time we are ready to have them. Before living with us she lived 22 hours away. She moved up her three years ago to be closer to her family. At first she lived with her daughter until her daughter and son in law started have issues and were fighting all the time. They had to tell her to leave, which she did right into our house. My husband and i are already starting to fight about some things and i don't want to start my marriage fighting because of her. I understand helping family out, but if they will not do what is needed to help themselves, I shouldn't have to.
I would be more sympathetic if it wasn't for the fact that she sleeps all day and is on Facebook all night. Complains about the heat and not being able to sleep. Make a huge mess in our house and never cleans it. If we have a dinner party for some reason, she invites whoever she wants without letting us know. And everytime my husband and i try to have a date night, she invites herself along.
Re: How to remove a mother in law
DH has to put his foot down. "Mom you need to move by ______".
what was the agreement when she moved in? or wasn't there one?
We need more backstory.
When you agreed it was temporary, you and he should have drawn up rules. YOUR home, YOUR rules -- rules like a set date where she'd be out and living on her own, that she'd pay room and board, that she'd keep her room neat, clean up after herself, keep the tv and radio to a low roar, etc.
And when the deadline rolled around, she should have been out. Period.
Is she collecting disability? if she is, she can very well pay you and your H board.
And she can find Section 8 housing or subsidized housing -- or find a boarding house and move in.
I would give her a deadline to be out, hand her the Apartments For Rent ad and stick like sh!t to the deadline. If it isn't met, put her stuff outside and that's that.
Yeouch! Really?? Even if she's unemployed and has medical issues? I can't see myself EVER doing that to my mother OR MIL. It's so....cruel! i'm sure it's annoying but there's gotta be a way to avoid this, no?
You need to sit down with your husband and calmly but firmly say that this arrangement is no longer working. Then you need to come up with a deadline date for MIL to be out.
Then your H needs to tell his mother that she has to get her act together and find her own place by that deadline date. By all means, the two of you can offer to help ... search the apartment listings with her, help her collect disability or whatever else she qualifies for, help her move her things.
If she makes no effort to find a place by the deadline date, your H needs to follow up with the rule that she needs to be out. And if he won't do that, then you need to pack up your own stuff and leave.
Good luck! And stay firm - that's the only way to make this work.
Well the MIL would probably do what she would have done if she never had a son and DIL to take care of her. She would have found a way to have her own home and live.
You have to set some ground rules, give her a timeline, and stick to it.
The first stop would be her doctor, sit in the office with the doc so that you can hear what the options are (instead of her just telling you). With the sleeping all day, I would also have them check for hormones, depression, thyroid, etc. You H need to put his foot down and say that since she is living in his house for now, she needs to play by his rules.
Then I would go to social services / senior services and find out what is available to her. She might qualify for aid, there may be someone who will help her apply for (or appeal a judgement on) disability, and set her up with senior services.
This should all be done after the "you have four weeks to find an alternative" is laid out. If you H can't throw out his mom, give him the choice of her or you moving out, b/c you are not going to support a grown woman who does nothing in the household.
Although MIL is obviously a huge PITA, I think DH is the bigger problem here. IL's can and will act crazy at times, needy and step out of line...but yours & DH's lives are only influenced by it if he let's IL's behave this way.
When you sit down and talk to him about it....really talk about it, not just an angered spur-of-the-moment rant about his mother and he throws his arms up and shrugs it off as a "Hey, what can I/we do about it?", that's what needs to be worked on.
My advice, your next talk with DH should not be about when/how you are going to get MIL to leave...but, instead, tell DH that if MIL stays, then you have no choice but to leave. Is there a friend or family member that you can stay with temporarily to show him you are serious? Actions speak. If DH sees that this unhealthy & unrealistic living situation is putting strain on your marriage and possibly leading it to a dead end, then that *hopefully* with light a fire under his butt to do something!
Did you ever see "Half Baked"? remember the "guy on the couch"? No one knew his name, he didn't do anything and he rarely got off the couch? That's what pops into mind when you mention your MIL.
I agree with all of the other PPs. You need to sit down and talk to her. She can't possibly expect to crash at other people's house forever. It doesn't sound like she's elderly in that whole "mom's getting on, we must take care of her" type of way. A neck injury sounds painful but let's get real. She can probably do all the things she think she can't. Like let the dog out. C'mon.
Maybe you could get the ball rolling. Definitely start by looking up the application process for disablility. Hell, print it out for her.
I feel your pain. 3 weeks before our wedding, DH (then FI) decided to take in a friend who was down on her luck. It was supposed to be for a month. That was in May. She's finally moving next week (I introduced her to my landlord) and I really like her but it's taking every ounce of decorum for me not to throw her sh!t on the lawn and do a little jig.
I'd move out, and get my own place. Your MIL will be there till her son removes her, and he won't. He's made that clear. So, unless you want to live with her for the next who knows how long, supporting her and putting your entire life on hold, you will need to leave. That may or may not motivate your dh to remove her, at which point the two of you can discuss your future, if any, with each other.
See a lawyer ,and get moving.
this is your advice?! really?! She just got married, and your advising her to see a lawyer and get a divorce?! Thats the worst advice ever!!! OP don't listen to "advice" like this! Its people like this who are willing to get a divorce just because their H doesn't pick up his underwear or something equally as stupid that is why the divorce rates are so high!!
I agree with pp that you need to talk to your H and you BOTH need to figure out a plan as to what the deadline will be and what you will do if she does not meet that. I do agree tho that it should be H that actually talks to her and tells her that she has such in such a time to get her sh!t together and find her own place....it is HIS mother and you should not be put in the position to have such an awkward discussion...that being said, you DO have a say in what happens in YOUR house, so H should respect your thoughts too. It sounds like your H wants her out just as much as you (him saying "what can I do, she's family") it just sounds like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place and feels like he can't kick his mother out, understandable. Just talk to him and tell him that you are not looking to kick her out with no where to live and that you are willing to help her find an alternative but she just can't keep intruding on your house and marriage. Good luck!!
This isn't about socks on the floor. It's about a man putting his mother before his wife. A marriage cannot work unless the spouses are each other's top priority. According to the OP, her husband said, "What can I do? She's family." His wife is family, too, so why do her needs take a backseat?
I'd go for counseling, though, before seeing a lawyer, but Sue_sue's advice wasn't offensive.
Jim & Kristen ~ August 19, 2006
Yep, This is my advice. MIL has been living off them for a year; and before that was living off her other kid, who threw her out which is when she came to live with the op. MIL won't get the surgery, won't try for disability, won't get a job, won't help around the house, etc. This is sick, and dh will not insist MIL do what needs to be done.
So. Yes, I am advising her to leave. Life's short. They don't have kids, and aren't going to till MIL leaves, which is never, and op has a life to live. Run while you can, is my advice.
sorry to hear. the best i can tell you is talk to your husband and tell them there has to be a deadline for her to move out. like say a year from now(an example i can tell you cant take it for very long) that give increments and update it 3 months or later about the deadline. and make sure to include her that there is a deadline for her to move. she may know already that she is becoming a burden to you(sounds harsh) but it someone not cleaning and not doing anything to help herself out...should be informed shes not helping her or you and your husband. she may be depressed and in denial about the whole thing. worse comes to worse try to tell your husband that this ISNT healthy for anyone and seek a therapist. they will agree this isnt healthy either.
so steps:
1. lay it down say that it may be harsh but this isnt a good living situation, he isnt happy your not happy, your MIL isnt happy. deadline
2. keep track of deadlines
3. seek a conselor
I am having a similar situation. I moved in with my boyfriend in his house while his dad is living here.yup...2bed 1 bath house. he doesnt work bad hip, is living off disability and social, doesnt clean as much as we like and leaves behind cups and leaves crumbs. I was going CRAZY. believe me i know where you are comming from....BUT my bf and i also need him. not like your situation, his dad pays more rent than me(was layed off), his dad also cooks and pays for groceries while my bf and i try to save up for when he moves because my bf has had it where we had to tell him.....DEADLINE. when he told him that he will have to move evenually. yeah he didnt like it but knew he was kinda in the way. so he applied to low income housing and is now is approved on waiting list wil be out 2yrs or less. I no longer cringe when i see messes cuz eventually it wont be a problem. now im not trying to turn this on me but giving you an example...your MIL needs to be informed that her stay is temp and she needs to find another place....give her timeline and it wont be immediate it will take time. but should be def less than 2yrs. maybe this will encourage her to find a place with a deadline. good luck
Basically, I can semi-relate, and you & H need to decide something for his mom...yes, it's harder for him because she is his mother, but she needs to be self sufficient. To me, the fact that she STILL stayed with you through your wedding, etc. is rude on her part...no newlywed wants their parents living with them.