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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Post Deployement problems
So my husband of one year just got home about a month ago from his second tour. this is the first time we have lived together throughout the 7years we have been together. I dont know what it is but since he has been home he has been so moody. I mean gets so angry at everything...not really anything to do with me but little things. He plays call of duty everyday and yells at the game everytime while also throwing the controller. Any little thing doesnt go the way he wants and its all over for the rest of the day and all i hear is "i hate my life." I mean i love him and he never yells at me or anything but it is so hard to be around someone who is always yelling about stuff and getting so mad all the time. He can be the sweetest thing but that one thing happens and its all over. It makes me not want to be around him and I try talking to him and he doesnt want to talk. I honestly dont know what to do about it and if it will ever get better. Any advice?
Re: Post Deployement problems
I don't think it's fair to use his attitude whilst playing video games as proof that he's not doing well. I mean unless he starts breaking furniture, yelling at your tv and throwing the controller in disgust is pretty much par for the course.
I do agree that saying he hates his life is worrisome. I'd ask him when he's calm why he says that. I'd also encourage him to talk to a friend or if you know someone he's close to, ask them to speak with him or spend some time with him to see if he opens up.
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The COD thing could be normal and it can not be normal. I know my husband and his uncle (both vets with PTSD) scream relentlessly at that game while playing. However, for them, I know it's an outlet, the same way I use a yoga class. If he is like that with regular daily activities, then it becomes something to pay attention to. I wouldn't really worry at this point. He's still adjusting and you guys are also adjusting to actually living together for the first time in 7 years (which I'm wondering about too).
The statement about hating his life definitely needs to be addressed. Even if he said and didn't mean it b/c he was just having a tough day, it would still be beneficial to have peace of mind that he isn't going to go off and do something stupid.
Reassure him that you are on his side and have his best interests at heart. He also doesn't have to talk to you (as much as you want him to), but he does need to talk with SOMEONE. He doesn't have to go through this adjustment period alone. Military One Source and the VA(if he's Guard of Reserves) all have counseling options he can seek out, as well as the chaplin or the mental health ppl in his unit.
The other posters are correct- sometimes it's just readjustment. Everyone needs some time to get used to the fact that they don't have to be constantly aggressive/angry. Look up BATTLEMIND. It will help you understand what mental state soldiers are trained into (hyper awareness, defensiveness, aggression, etc). Once they've maintained that mindset non-stop for a year, it's hard for them to just turn a switch off and go back to "normal". Does he jump or startle at loud or sudden noises? Can you come up behind him without him noticing and touch him on the shoulder without worrying that he will knee-jerk-reaction turn and hit you? Can you wake him up from a nap by touching him, or do you need to stand a few feet away and call his name? That's all battlemind stuff.
Has he been talking to a professional? That would be my suggestion. My FI had the same problem when he came home. He was snappy and cranky at everything, and that was AT BEST. He still has his moments (and they're not few and far between yet), but it's MUCH better after only 3 months. Also, be aware that if he DOES decide to go talk to a professional it shouldn't be something you force him to do, but you CAN (and should) suggest it. My FI's counselor said they lose more people from the 10 minute wait they have in the waiting room before their first appointment than any other way. Offer to go with him, and just chill in the waiting room with him. Apparently a lot of vets will get up to have a smoke, go to the bathroom, grab a snack, etc and they just never make it back into the waiting room. If he goes that route, be sure not to ask him how every session went, what they talked about, etc.
Getting him professional help is ESPECIALLY important if you think he actually hates his life. If you think it will help, tell him it makes you sad to hear him say that. Do you ever get concerned that he'll lose his temper and get mad/violent toward you? That's something else to mention to him, but only if it's true.
Also, maybe you can steer him away from Call of Duty. Some vets might use it as an outlet, but I know for my FI, it triggered him into being extremely aggitated/angry/unfocused (basically all your classic PTSD symptoms). His solution was to still use xbox as an outlet, just not using COD. Suggest other games, like HALO, Borderlands, Portal 2, etc. Not sure if COD does this to your vet, but it's something you can watch for.
Good luck! If you have any other questions- go ahead and pm me!
Thank you all for your help. He actually does have an appointment to see a psychiatrist which i think will help and it was mostly his decision. I know someone asked about why we havent lived together and the thing is that we started dating in high school, i went to college in our hometown and then he enlisted. I started nursing school in the middle and i couldnt drop my program to move so we decided that i would move once I was done....but of course right before I graduated he deployed again.
We have talked about COD and he might be trading it for something else....its not the usual yell, get mad, and throw stuff I mean the bad attitude lasts all day long. Its bc he relates it to combat and games are not as accurate as real life.
I really do appreciate everyones help!! (Sorry Im new and didnt know how to post to everyone!)