To be or not to be?

heatherg11485 · July 2011

New army wife, married almost 4 months. Moving 800 miles away from home. Hubby will be deploying in a year. Question is...we both want kids but...do we wait to TTC until he gets back from the deployment or before he leaves? Experiences for either side?

MrsOjoButtons · July 2011

How old are you both and how long have you been together?

Generally speaking, it's not a good idea to rush having a baby your first year of marriage, IMO.

AlouetteBeans · July 2011

What an odd title for a post about having babies. This quote is where Hamlet is contemplating suicide... so... yeah.

are you guys pushing up having kids sJust because he is deploying? If he wasn't going, what would your timeframe be? Are you financially and emotionally ready for kids? Are you ready to be a single mon while he's gone?

heatherg11485 · July 2011

I'm 25 and we have been together for 2 years. Since we are PSC'ing, the hubby took over a month for leave and we are traveling during this time. (AKA enjoying our life as a family of 2) We're not in a rush to have kids, we both would like them but not sure if it would be best to start trying when we know that he will be deploying in a year.

kyrgyzstan · July 2011

I would wait and be married for a while.

MrsOjoButtons · July 2011

heatherg11485:
we both would like them but not sure if it would be best to start trying when we know that he will be deploying in a year.

It sounds like you're both on the same page, then, huh?

heatherg11485 · July 2011

Ha Jilly I didn't put enough thought into the thread title I suppose!

We are financially ready and if he were not deploying we'd probably wait until we've been married for a year for the fact that we would have more time to get our new house in order, a nursery ready etc...but...military as is we don't want him to miss the pregnancy/birth. SO our options are to start TTC now or wait until the deployment is over. It's not that we're trying to rush into it, we are both excited to start trying for a family of three! Life as a single mom is something you learn to make the best of when you're an army wife. I feel like I would love him being here for the pregnancy/birth/first months of life and get a "daddy" bond started rather than waiting till after the deployment but just looking for any personal expereinces that anyone might have to share

MrsOjoButtons · July 2011

heatherg11485:

Life as a single mom is something you learn to make the best of when you're an army wife.

I wouldn't consider it being a single mom. Your husband is away for duty, not telling you he hates you, made a mistake by marrying you, and having children with other women.

My own personal experience is that we put off baby making because of deployments. While waiting is hard to do, I'm so glad we did. We still have our share of miscommunications and such, but the foundation of our marriage is way more condusive to having children now than during our first year or two of marriage, when we initially intended to start trying.

heatherg11485 · July 2011

Thanks for sharing!

NSL · July 2011

Having had one of my kids while H was here and the other during a deployment, my advice is to wait. You're young, newly married, and have no known fertility problems--why put everyone through the stress of pregnancy/birth without your husband if you have the choice not to go that route?

campslw85 · July 2011

I am in a dual military marriage. I would suggest that you wait until after the deployment. Even though you both have been together for two years, you are still newly married and getting to know each other as a married couple. When he gets back from deployment, it will be all new again. You both will be dating and growing back together as a couple. Take your time. Enjoy each other. Hope that helped.

margotmacomber · July 2011

I was pregnant while DH was deployed. He was there for the birth, but had to go back a week and a half later. He was heartbroken, I was heartbroken. So, if I had it to do over again, I would wait until after the deployment to TTC.

meltoine · July 2011

I say wait, too. FWIW, we got pregnant with DS 6 weeks after our wedding. I love him to pieces, but I feel like I missed out on the newlywed time. Plus, not that it's a deployment at all, but H's assignment now has him out of the house for 13 hours per day and then studying in the office when he's home, including Saturdays. I wish we had waited until after this assignment because having DS with little to no help is really tough.

K&C2005 · July 2011

I know some people do it but I cannot imagine intentionally going through the first year of parenthood alone. Two weeks after we found out I was pregnant with my second we found out DH would be deploying very close to the due date. It was really hard on for both of us. It was really hard on DH not being here and survival mode definitely kicked in for me (I also had a two year old at the time) that year is basically a blur. I would not rush things. Just remember deployment dates change all the time. When we planned our second child we thought DH would not deploy until she was 7 months old. Your husbands deployment date could easily get pushed up and he would miss the birth and first few weeks. If I were you I would start trying during his R&R and continue when he returns the closer to his return the better that way he is more likely to be around for a while until the next deployment.

kristend33 · July 2011

heatherg11485:
Ha Jilly I didn't put enough thought into the thread title I suppose!

We are financially ready and if he were not deploying we'd probably wait until we've been married for a year for the fact that we would have more time to get our new house in order, a nursery ready etc...but...military as is we don't want him to miss the pregnancy/birth. SO our options are to start TTC now or wait until the deployment is over. It's not that we're trying to rush into it, we are both excited to start trying for a family of three! Life as a single mom is something you learn to make the best of when you're an army wife. I feel like I would love him being here for the pregnancy/birth/first months of life and get a "daddy" bond started rather than waiting till after the deployment but just looking for any personal expereinces that anyone might have to share

I would also wait and just enjoy being married. Enjoy being able to go out without having to find a good babysitter and spending time/money on yourselves. Continue to build your relationship as a married couple. Don't rush anything just because of a deployment.

And as to the bolded, while he might miss the pregnancy and/or birth due to a future deployment, if you have a child before he deploys this time, he'll also miss a lot of the first year and milestones of the child's life. There's always going to be something that he misses as long as the military is deploying; you'll just have to try time it as best you can according to what you as a couple deem most important.

briellecounts · July 2011

We just got married as well and we want to wait til he's done with the military to have kids. Granted, he only has about two more years. I just don't want to be alone and pregnant without my hubby. I want him there for the ultrasounds and to feel it kick and all that "BIG" stuff that goes along with pregnancy. In your case, I would say wait because not only will you not have your hubby, but you will also be 800 miles away from home.

I'd at least want my family close by.

mrsredrox · July 2011

Wait. Enjoy your marriage while you can, get through that deployment and build a strong relationship before you bring kids into it. H and I will be married three years this December and we're having our first in November. I'm definitely glad we did it this way since we've had such a great time with just the two of us. Granted, I wanted to wait a little longer but babies happen, lol.

hindsight's_a_biotch · July 2011

I would wait this time because you're so newly married and deployments are difficult on marriage. It will take getting through your first one to find your footing and work out all the details, emotions, and patterns that arise.

However, I wouldn't recommend planning TTCing around future deployments. The timing might never be right and you could end up missing times that were right in hindsight because of deployment delays, extentions, PCSing, etc.

heatherg11485 · August 2011

Thanks for all the replies! I thought the same thing about "right timing"...who knows if this next deployment will happen, etc... We're gonna try to take it one day at a time, settle into our new house and get to know the new town, and take it from there

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