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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
WWYD - parents coming after birth
This could get long, sorry!
Just as back story my mom and I do not have the best relationship. She is VERY controlling and thinks that she knows best on all subjects. Plus she has some serious emotional issues going on (for a couple of years now) and she won't get help on them (I have pushed and pushed and she doesn't see any of this as a problem so until she hits rock bottom there isn't much I can do). I won't go into too many details but know that about a month ago it came to her mentioning suicide would be a good idea.
So I asked my mom this morning what her date intentions are for coming out here. First she said Wednesday to Wednesday. I explained that DH has the entire week off (Monday - Friday) and I would like it to be just us so we can get accustomed to having a baby plus the bonding time so the earliest I would want her there would be Saturday or Sunday. Then she goes well it really comes down to when BG comes so I told her that we have scheduled a c-section but will not be sharing the date before the fact. She was bent out of shape that I never "discussed" this with her. I told her quite frankly I didn't discuss it with anybody because everybody has their own opinions about it and I honestly don't care what the opinions are. I needed to have a clear mind to decide for myself. That peeved her off. In the end I told her that they are welcome to come Saturday/Sunday and stay until Thursday/Friday. I guess my dad is coming too and they are planning on driving it. I couldn't figure out if they are staying at our house or not? But I am a little nervous because I knew my godmother was planning on coming up to keep my mom out of my hair for a few days (which I don't mind...I am closer to my godmother than my own mom!) but my mom has also invited my aunts to come down to meet the baby. WTH??? It is MY HOUSE. Don't invite people to it without consulting me. I have ALWAYS been the type that I like things perfect in my house when we have family around. So I now feel the pressure that the house has to be clean/orderly, to keep visitors fed and entertained and I need to keep the dogs well behaved all 2 weeks after a c-section with a newborn and DH at work. Oh plus trying to figure out nursing (which my mom didn't do and thinks it is stupid, they made formula for a reason is her opinion).
I don't know what advice I am looking for, maybe this is more of a vent but I am about ready to snap right now.
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Re: WWYD - parents coming after birth
Ugh, why do people insist on forcing their own opinions & schedules onto others? So sorry you're dealing this.
Is there any way you can put the extended family meeting off for a month or two? New babies & new parents just need some time to themselves, IMO... Baby will be much more "fun" for your aunts after a few more weeks anyway... If it were me, I'd have to put my foot down on that one. Nope, not entertaining extended family until I say so. And that's that. Then if you *want* to invite them down within a week or two, you could still do that. But I'd insist on being the one to call the shots.
You & DH are the only ones who need to know & feel comfortable with your plan for baby's arrival -- C/S, date, who's there, etc. Keep reminding yourself of that!
No matter how pushy or judgey someone else can be -- you still get to decide what's best for you.
The problem is my parents live in VA and are driving out. This is the longest that I can keep them away. Hel my mom thinks it is her RIGHT as my mom to be in the delivery room. Which is the entire reason why we ARE NOT sharing the c-section date as DH nor I trust that my mom wouldn't show up the day before and we'd be screwed. But she thinks its her right (yes I came from a military family that was super strict) to introduce the baby to her sisters.
I swear the woman is going to drive me to drink. I would kill for a drink right now. Anybody want a virtual margarita right now?
Haha no my dad has learned silence is best so he just lets her do whatever (which is half of the problem).
If it's a non-negotiable that you see the aunts while your mom & dad are here, then I think I'd at least insist on where - and for how long. And I would let DH know ahead of time that he's the bouncer. "Well, it's nap time here for mom & baby... Thanks so much for visiting, everyone! We'll keep you updated with pictures & e-mails. Adios!"
I know it's not as easy as that - but try to stand your ground! And - when all else fails - remember that usually people are just so excited to see this new baby (and you
that they lose their senses a bit.
I have a much better relationship with my ILs, we just don't see eye-to-eye on most baby-related things and they are a bit lacing in the tact dept, so when they informed us they were coming for the weekend after Nicholas was born, I stressed myself out a little. Especially after I got an 11pm phone call two nights before they came, wanting help booking a hotel room online.
I don't have any good advice on how to handle the week-long visit your mom wants, but as for the aunts, I agree with skh - pick a time for them to come over. I'd maybe give them two afternoons to choose from, but make them all come at once so you can get it over with. I wouldn't worry about feeding them or cleaning your house. You won't have had time to really mess it up anyway. If the floors need a sweep or the furniture needs fluffing, your mom can do it.
As for the nursing, if you have to lock yourself in the nursery for long stretches, just do it. I did. They can complain all they want, the early weeks are for you, not your mom, to bond with baby. Let her do the diaper changes
I know that you were venting and not really sure about advise, but here is what our experience was like after Maddie was born. Looking back it's really the ONLY thing that I would have changed and I wish wish wish that I would have put my foot down.
The day that we came home from the hospital, MIL & FIL came to stay with us (their choice, not mine) they were with us for about 2-3 nights, then the day that they left my Dad and stepmom came and stayed for about 3 nights(this was planned), then the day that they left my SIL, BIL and neice came to stay (total surprise, who does surprise out-of-town visits when people just had a baby??? but that a whole other story) so for over a week we had house guests staying in our house.
I.Effin.Lost.It. I was having a VERY hard time with breastfeeding (nobody tells people that it's HARD and doesn't work for everyone) and had to lock myself in the bedroom to try and work at it, I couldn't walk around my house in my "comfortable" clothes because of the guests, I was exausted and didn't have anytime for just the 3 of us to begin to build our bond. It was really a hard time for me and the LAST thing I wanted was guests.
It sounds that you strongly feel that you want your house for the 3 of you, I know that this may be hard, but please take it from me, if that is wat you want, try try try and stick to your guns! Again, it's the only thing that I would have changed through the whole birthing process and when we have #2, NOBODY is coming to stay, come and visit for a little while, fine, but NO house guests.
Sorry, I got a little long winded. I really hope that it all works out for you!!!!!
Edit: Gosh, I really didn't mean to sound so Debbie downer!!! I just want you to be able to have the experience that you and DH want!
Put your foot down about house guests, or at least don't feel bad leaving the room whenever you want. My mom stayed with us a few days, left for a few days, and came back a few days... but she didn't impose. She cooked, cleaned, and gave advice only when I asked. I would want NO one besides my parents there post-baby. I actually wish I wouldn't have allowed DH's family at the hospital.
Nursing was hard for me, but important to me. I didn't like "whipping it out" for all to see at first (though I had no problem with that once Wes got a good latch).
Those first few days (weeks) are for you and DH to bond, so take the time you need. Your baby, your decisions!