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Any single moms getting married?
Hi Everyone,
Not sure if I'm posting this in the right place or not, but my boyfriend and I just decided to get married in October. I have an 8 year old son whom I have raised by myself from day one (his biological "father" has never been in the picture). My new fiance also has a 2 year old daughter whom he has partial custody of. Does anyone have any parenting tips or advice as we start our new life together?
He and my son get along well, but it seems like sometimes he gets easily aggravated with my son when he doesn't listen or when he's up past his bedtime. These things have never really bothered me.. I've always been pretty laid back since it's just me and him. Do I need to toughen up on my son to accommodate my fiance? I don't feel like I should, because my son has and always will come first. I guess I'm not sure how to reconcile how I feel about this.
Also, he hasn't exactly acted like 'dad' yet with my son. They get along but I can tell there's no love or great interest there. It kind of hurts my feelings sometimes- I want somebody that absolutely adores my son and will hug him and be there for important events in his life and treat him like his own. Should I be concerned that it isn't like that yet? Does it take time to develop, or is this a warning sign? Am i expecting too much from my fiance? I definitely don't act like mom to his daughter, but she HAS her mom in the picture, my son doesn't have anyone else to fill the role of dad.
I hope this all makes sense! Any advice or stories of your own experiences would be great. Thanks so much!
Re: Any single moms getting married?
A support group for blended families will help.
I don't know how long you have been seeing this gent but I think it would be wise for you to continue the relationship as is for a bit longer and then see what happens between your son and your FI.
I'm suggesting you postpone the wedding. Give it another year and then let your marriage be contingent upon that. GL
What about things your son and your FI can do together? Sign up for martial arts, or Scouting --- your FI can be a den father. Your son would learn something and he'd also make some friends.:)
Does your FI have a hobby? Maybe he can teach your son the hobby. It would be something they can do together.
What about your house of worship, if you're religious? There's usually groups for kids; those groups are always looking for parents to volunteer with the group.
IMHO, these are warning signs. Postpone your wedding at the very least.
You should wait to find someone that fits the standards you are looking for.
I think its a warning sign. And since you ask if it takes time to develop, I cant help but wonder how long you've even been with your FI. But its most likely that if he doesnt show an interest in acting like a father figure by the time he proposed, he never will.
How long has your FI been in the picture?
Why would you marry someone who doesnt adore your son?
'I want somebody that absolutely adores my son and will hug him and be there for important events in his life and treat him like his own" your FI doesnt do this now so the comment above this one isnt true is it? You being engaged to him proves that. Yes, you should be concerned. Are you going to wait until after the wedding to see if it ever happens?
Someone I've been friends with for 15+ years is basically the FI in this situation. His GF has a 10 year old.
My friend is *really* hard on this kid and thinks his GF is way too soft. Never mind that he's never had the financial or emotional responsibility of taking a child, he knows how to do it better, dammit.
He's not living with his GF and there's no timeline planned for a wedding, but he sees fit to discipline her child. I really wish she would see that it isn't in the best interest of her kid to run into marriage with him.
Please don't make the same mistake for yourself. Push the wedding off at least another year and get some counseling in the meanwhile. Maybe he should agree to take a parenting class as well.
It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to sit down with your son and establish some basic rules.
All homework done by a certain time
Mind your mother, your dad, your teachers and FI; no backtalk
Bedtime is at X pm; lights out at that time, no questions asked.
He shouldn't be quibbling and putting off bedtime and giving either you and/or your FI a hard time.
I think it would be wise to postpone your wedding by at least a year. I don't know how long you've been seeing your FI but wow, anytime where kids are involved it gets dicey and it's important for your FI to get along well with both kids.
I was a single mom and am now remarried. I had a crap marriage the first go around so I knew exactly what I wanted and didn't want. I definitely wanted a father for my children since bio dad was not on board with the whole "dad" thing. It does take time to bond a relationship between a step parent and a child, but the first mistake is saying that your son always has and always will come first. Yes, your child has always and is always going to be taken care of from now until he is on his own, however, now that you are getting married to someone you want in the father role, you have to show your son that this guy is in the father role. If you make it known to your future husband that your son is going to always come first, then why would FH make an effort to try to be the dad? If you don't think that you should make a bed time for your son or require that he listen to your FH, then you are not encouraging a father/son relationship. If you are becoming a family and he has a child and you have a child, you have to act like a family. You are not going to take the place of his daughter's mom, but you are going to be a step mother and you should act as a step mother, which is enhancing the child's life.
If you are concerned that there is no dad/son thing going on, you want someone who adores your son and will hug him, be there for important events, etc., then you either need to encourage it by suggesting activities for them to do together or postpone getting married until you feel like you are sure that you are not making a mistake.