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is this petty whining?
If it is, please tell me, and I'll just put on my big girl panties and get on with it.
DH is not the same person I fell in love with. When we met, he was having a blast and happy - working just enough to pay whatever minimal bills he had, and spending lots of time at the karate school. He was in great shape and pretty happy.
Since having kids, things have slowly just been getting crappier and crappier. Right before K was born, he had a horrible spell of migraines. It got to where I couldn't take his complaining any more and would just tune him out. He wasn't doing anything about it, so why should I continue to listen? You know? They sent him into a bit of a depression, but he has since gotten things a little more under control. He's on the right medications and the migraines have subsided.
THings were okay for a bit, but recently they're just crappy again.
Maybe I need to go back to work (which will happen this month once school starts), and time away from my kids will help me appreciate them and him more, but I don't know.
Basically, we don't spend any time just the two of us. If I even make the suggestion, it usually gets shot down - so I've stopped. In the evenings, he comes home and just plops on the couch most nights. Leaving me to entertain R and do dinner and cleaning and stuff. I usually try to take R outside once it cools down, and if I try leaving K in the house with DH, she starts fussing and he thinks she's hungry. I'm not asking for nights away without the kids, but dinner or a movie once in a while would be nice.
We barely talk to each other - about things other than the kids or his work. I just don't feel any connection to him right now. When I try to talk or tell him something, it's more often than not met with irritation or a raised voice. If I bring up my feelings, he ends up turning it all around and making me feel like crap because he has all of these issues.
I know that he has all sorts of issues and he struggles with them all the time, but I get tired of his complacency and whining, so I listen to him, but don't do much about it. He says that he doesn't feel loved, but I'm having a hard time showing that because I'm frustrated with the situation.
He's a great father, and R adores him.
I feel like I'm always cleaning up after Dh - almost like another child. He has major AD/HD, and is on meds for it, but it's the little things - like not putting things away after he uses them, not putting laundry away (i've stopped doing this for him because I'm tired of seeing the clothes that I fold shoved in drawers or piled on the floor). He takes care of the outside stuff, and I do the rest of whats inside - which is fine, if I didn't have to put away whatever he gets out as well.
I'm tired of going places by myself with the kids, and giving lame reasons for why he's at home - he's tired, he has a migraine, he works in the heat.
I feel like he's very selfish lately. He's been golfing every weekend. I don't get time to myself like that. He thinks it's a treat for me to go to the grocery store by myself, or to go for a 20 minute run. Sure, it's nice, but not quite the same a 4 hours on a golf course on Sunday morning, while I handle the kids for another morning.
I don't have anyone to talk to about this - I feel like if I bring it up with my parents that they'll say something like "I told you so" - but at the same time, I feel like everyone is always judging. I feel like a failure. that's the hardest part for me.
If I'm wrong, and just petty and selfish myself, please say so.
Re: is this petty whining?
Sounds familiar.
I have no advice.
But I will vent a bit too.
J plays a ton of softball and when he doesn't he just lays around and complains. He is a good dad and provider, but he just doesn't go the extra mile.
I am here all week with D. Dealing with fits, whining, food, you know what you do when your at home all day with a kid. So when J is home on a weekend, I never get help. Ever.
When I complain about how much he plays softball and let me tell you, it is a lot. Every Thursday and Sunday and almost every single Saturday. I get the, you play bunco once a month. Woooooooo, 4 hours a month I play bunco, he plays softball at least 10-15 hours a week!!!!!!!!! If I dare ask to go to the store alone, if he thinks I am gone too long he calls because for whatever reason he just cannot handle D for too long. Or if I want to go jog alone at night and not take D in the stroller I get guilted into taking D and the stroller. Why?? because someone worked all day...ugh, like what I do isn't exhausting.
Not to mention he just complains about how much D whines or whatever on the weekends he is here. Yesterday I told him I wish he had just played in a tournament so I didn't have to listen to him *** and whine all day.
Last night I was so annoyed I finally said to D. Go ask your daddy, he has been home all weekend and not helped mommy out one bit. LMAO
I'm not sure what J thought our life was going to be like with a child. I say to him over and over and over, LIFE ISN'T THE SAME ANYMORE AND IT WON'T BE!! But he constantly tries to live the way he did pre-kid. It is annoying and not that I don't want to spend all my time with Davis, but I deserve a moment to myself without a kid pulling at my pant leg constantly. He just doesn't get it.
I wish he'd spend a week home from work, but he has to do what I do. He has to deal with Davis, feed him, bathe him, take him to therapy, take him to playdates, take him to the grocery, etc.... Maybe he'd finally *get* it.
No, it is not petty whining. I am SO thankful fir how much Chase helps with Ella and just around the house in general. I think you two really need to have a serious chat and I agree with Sarah that therapy is not a bad idea. Ideally for both of you together, but if he won't go I think it would still help to go by yourself.
And you totally need some couple time. I know it is hard to find time sometimes, but it is essential to your marriage.
Vent away Lindsey, trust me I completely understand. I don't understand why men don't grow up the way we do after we have children. I couldn't never imagine leaving my kids for all of this time to go and do what I want to do. First of all I would feel guilty leaving the other person and secondly I'd be afraid of missing out on something important.
DH & I both work full time and he still isn't that big of a help to me, when he went to Canada for a fishing trip when Emma was 2 months old I really realized how little he does around our house! Some days I feel like he gets it and sees that I need help, but then I see him laying on the couch while I still need to pump, wash bottles, make bottles for the next day, and pack the kids stuff up for the next day. I just want to scream! Then when I do say something it's a fight and we are like well I do this and this, what do you do, it's frustrating.
I will say that as Jeff is getting older he's doing more with him which is great, but he just doesn't help out the way I would like him too.
I think it's a guy thing. I will have to say it is so worse w/ me being at home the last 2.5 years. He expects me to do everything b/c I am home during the day! He seriously thinks that what I do is nothing compared to him working all day. Bedtime is the worst! It's a struggle getting the kids both down at the same time, changing them, getting A to the potty etc. all I would like is help w/ one of them. He gets pissed b/c I'm so exhausted at 9pm and I don't want to stay up and watch a stupid movie. I also babysit during the day so not only do I have my 2, I watch full time 2 other small children. I'm so tired by the end of the day I could scream. He thinks I can just sit on the couch and nap or something! Even if I worked FT I would still be expected to do everything. His idea of helping out is getting the kids screaming and running around and jumping on him. That drives me nuts.
... and Jill I still don't they they would get it if we changed spots for a week. I know I'd come home to a house that looked like a tornado hit it.