Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Should I report my DH's friend for this?
I have an acquaintance who is in the service and works with DH. He has a cousin who is also in and his cousin just happens to work in records. DH and I eloped about 3 years ago and told no one. I was talking to him yesterday and it came up about our wedding and I admitted we had eloped. He started laughing and told me he already knows DH and I eloped. I was kind of taken aback. I figured DH told him but he told me he thought we would when DH proposed so he asked his cousin to look in records a few months after and he saw he had a dependent and was married.
I asked him if he did this much and he said quite a bit.. He divulged a bit more and told me he's made up things to get out of something as well as looked up people who were also in and he was interested in dating. I am beyond angry at this violation of peoples privacy and how his cousin is completely violating his job and the trust of others. Obviously I need to report this. The only thing is that his cousin is older, has three children and a wife. It shouldn't matter because what they are doing is wrong, but I am wondering how do I go about this? If I did report it I want to do it anonymously. I don't know where to start.
Re: Should I report my DH's friend for this?
I think reporting his behavior would be prudent. He is abusing his access to personal records.
I don't have any experience with anonymous reporting of this nature, but I imagine there is some type of system in place for notifying his command of his infractions. I might start by calling the military police at his base to ask what the standard procedure is for filing an anonymous report.
Ha! I was wondering about this. I had half a mind to ask her if she's really pissed that he's looking at other people's shiit or if he found out that the OP and her H are a bunch of shady little liars.
Should he be reported? Yup. Do I think you're only interested in doing so because of sour grapes? Double dog yeah.
Click me, click me!
This.
What if this creep is like, stalking these individuals he looks up that he is interested in dating? Is he looking at their medical histories? Where they live? What kind of birth control they take? Very messed up violation of Privacy Act. I really hope this isn't at my base. Gross.
I should edit my previous statement. We told no one in his shop. His Sgt and MSgt and anyone else above him who needed to know, knew, but we didn't feel the need to announce it to his work friends. Our family and close friends knew we eloped (Including my best friend who is stationed here and she is also a Marine just not in his shop) It's great that the automatic assumption is that if someone in the military elopes it's for benefits. He worked with DH and had tried to date me before DH and I got engaged. He said outright yesterday he looked to see if "he still had hope."
I could care less that he knows now that we were married. It bothers me that he's looking into peoples info and making up excuses to get out of leases and such and looking up women's personal info. That's what my sour grapes are about. It's wrong, regardless if he found out something I would have told him if he had just asked or not.
Completely unrelated to his doucheocity but why in the muthafuuk would you not tell people you were married for three damned years?
Are they invited to your wedding?
Click me, click me!
Everyone was assuming that becase of the bolded. If you are happy you eloped then why did you in your own words tell no one? Most people who elope and tell no one, do it because of the benefits. Anyways I would report him.
The Dogs and Us
Yeah, people assumed that because you kept your marriage on the down low for three years. I agree with PPs. Its odd. especially if your family knows and higher ups. Just waiting around for a pretty princess day would be the other assumption.
Its just so odd to me to keep it a selective secret from certain people but not others. To each their own I suppose.
As for advise- report it- but I dont think this seems like a very good annonymous report.
ETA to take out the question about how many people he does that too.
I changed my name
Oh wow, ok this is completly off subject. If I'd have known me asking for advice meant I needed to explain our entire history I would have just done that from the beginning. Goodness.
I know it's true that the major assumption when people elope and keep it a secret it's for benefits, and that honestly isn't the case. DH and I were not doing that, by any means at all. We always wanted to get married on a beach. I always wanted a small wedding. My other two sisters passed away when I was in high school so my mom always wanted me to have some big wedding. So for her, I went ahead and planned one. Our families live no where near a beach and we figured what the hell, lets do it the way we really want. Just you and I and our two best friends. We didnt keep it on the dl for three years. I called my mom and had her blessing, along with assuring her we were still having the wedding. We eloped and had a small wedding on the beach, and about 4 months later had our big wedding. We just never told anyone he worked with about the beach.
All I've asked for is advice. A part of me does not want to report this for the fact that his cousin has kids and a wife and he will probably get in huge trouble, also that the guy will get in a lot of trouble as well, but it's wrong. Also, it's a good point he'd know it was me but I asked if anyone else knew he did this. He was very boastful about it and said oh yeah, sure, I've pulled a few favors for some people.
Wow, way to back pedal and poorly too, you said in previous post that you told no one other than certian family members and never told those people in the shop. Now you never told them about the beach. Lets get your story straight here.
As per report him do what you think is right.
I think the confusion here is that your initial post didn't say that they were currently aware that you are married - it implied that they've all thought you've been dating this whole time while you've been collecting benefits. Your follow-up post clarified it. They know you're married - they just didn't know you were married before you had your "wedding".
Anyway, of course you should report him. Duh. It's unfortunate that his family will pay for his stupidity, but there you have it.
At what point would it be more comfortable to report him? When he starts stealing people's identities?
lol its the nest. welcome.
All we know is the tiny little information you have given us, its up to us to fill in the huge blanks you've left. The better information you give us, the less we have to do this. Also, people will have questions to figure out what advice to give you/find out more about your situation.
If you give people 5 minutes of an hour long story, we're going to be missing some stuff.
I already said this in my past post, but THIS.
I changed my name
Elopement=Beach, Beach=Elopement
To me they mean the same thing. I'm assuming you took that as we told them we eloped, just not on a beach? I was saying "We never told anyone he worked with about the beach/elopement"
Not so much. Elopement means no one knows. You had a small wedding which =/= elopement.
Oh and here.
Wait, getting married on a beach is an elopement??
And you're the one who said you didn't tell people you were married. It's not our fault you didn't clarify that they now know. Although, your story definately supports the assumption that they don't and that they still don't.
So I'm confused. Who knows you are married? And who knew you were married when they brought wedding gifts?
Click me, click me!
The way you have to look at it is this. You may be the one reporting the actions, but it's that guy's fault for taking those actions, so if/when his family experiences hardship because of it, HE will be the one to blame, not you. Don't lose sight of that.
and really not reporting him is enabling him to continue doing it.
I changed my name