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Dealing with MIL who is mentally ill
Okay, I will start off saying that I don't know if she meets all the criteria for full-blown narcissism, but I have done a lot of reading and it is pretty clear to me (and DH) that MIL has some type of personality disorder. She is 100% incapable of viewing the world outside of how it impacts her, she lies, is manipulative and throws temper tantrums if she doesn't get her way. Over the years, I have come to terms with that and can generally cope with spending limited time with her by realizing that the way she behaves is not necessarily her "fault". We've also realized that we will never change her and can only change how we interact with her. However, now that we have a son, I am concerned about how her behavior will impact him. Note: DH and I live about 10 minutes from both sets of parents and have no intentions of moving because this is where we want to be and where our lives are.
My two biggest concerns are these:
1) She has a tendency to make a scene at events (aka, have some sort of temper tantrum). I do not want her ruining my child's birthdays, Christmases, Halloweens, etc. If DH were to say to her in advance something about not making a scene, she would just go on a tirade about how she NEVER does anything like that and how could we possibly insult her like that. Do we just invite her to these things when he's young (and won't remember) and hope for the best and if it becomes problematic deal with it later? I will say DH has already said that she will never be invited to spend Christmas morning with us because she ruined every single one of his growing up (he actually told me once, he didn't know Christmas could be fun until he spent it with my family).
2) I worry about DS growing up feeling like one set of grandparents doesn't love him. DH's parents have never in his life told him they love him which breaks my heart. As a adult, DH has come to terms with this, but it has been really hard on him. I'm not sure how to deal with this as DS gets older. It makes me sad because I was hoping to see a change in her with the birth of their first grandchild, but I realize now I was hoping for a miracle. I'm worried he will see the way she treats us like crap and that will impact him negatively.
I have learned over the years that it is impossible to rationalize with crazy, but I'm worried about protecting my child. DH has no problem standing up to his parents, but the way she manages to manipulate a situation and her inability to hear rational arguments makes it hard. We've talked about seeing a therapist to help us deal with her, but in DH's words "it will take at least 20 sessions to explain all her issues."
So anyway, I'm open to any and all suggestions. How do you deal with someone who can't see reason? DH is not at a point yet where he wants to cut them off, but would be open to that in the future. As much as he realizes that his mother is crazy, she is still his mother and is not a point of saying he doesn't want her in his life at all.
If you need more examples of her crazy behavior, I can provide many.
Re: Dealing with MIL who is mentally ill
I was actually going to suggest a family counselor to you and H. Explaining her behavior won't take "20 sessions"; therapists have heard of unusual behavior before.
I think your H is rationalizing her behavior as not her fault (which is total BS), and his lack of wanting to do anything about it.
Which is why counseling is even more important for you two. I also think that he could benefit from seeing a counselor individually, given that this woman raised him, but you can't make him, obviously.
I would not invite her to events in which she has a chance to treat people rudely. If that means you don't invite her to any events, then so be it. She doesn't get access to your son simply because she is a grandparent.
1) If your MIL tends to ruin big parties and events, then don't invite her. You can always offer to take your child to her house on Halloween, plan to stop by and see her on Christmas. I would not even invite her now - why should you and your dh (and your family) be subject to her outrageous moods? If your DH feels guilty, remind him how he felt about Christmas, and offer alternative that work.
Think about what sets her off. Is she better behaved when there is an "audience" that doesn't include her family (such as your parents, or a larger party), or do large crowds give her anxiety and result in her acting out?
Aside from that, I think you need to put your family (you, dh, ds) first. If she doesn't treat you well in front of ds, then she doesn't get to see you or him. Admission into your lives should not be taken for granted.
If you really think she is mentally ill and can't help herself, when your son is older you can explain that "grandma has problems and doesn't act right. We don't like the way she acts, but she is sick and can't change." DH's dad has dementia and no longer acts normal. Our kids (age 6 and 8) know he is not healthy. He is not abusive, but he craps in his pants. Kids know that isn't normal for a grownup.
2) As for the "I love you's," everyone is different and your son is going to have to learn that not everyone acts the same way. Your son isn't going to expect "ILYs" from his grandparents like he will from you, and it won't hurt him not to hear those words from his grandma like it would hurt him not to hear it from his mom and dad. ESPECIALLY if he is not close to her (which I'm assuming he won't be given limited contact and her behavior) and doesn't feel particularly loving towards her anyway. If he has close, loving relationships with one set of grandparent, he's not going to wonder why he's not close to your MIL. What he grows up with will be normal to him.
The wording about it not being her "fault" is actually mine. I think that might not be the right choice of words. I'm not sure whether she is truly sick or whether she is just so far in gone in terms of selfishness,etc but one way or the other she isn't changing and I'd come to terms with that for how it impacted me. I'll definitely discuss a therapist with DH further bc we definitely need to figure out how to handle her because what we've tried to far isn't working.
Ok, that makes more sense. Thanks for updating.
I definitely can relate to the "things aren't working, but I don't know how to fix it". Therapy was very helpful for me in that sense in order to deal with my very messed up family.
1. Of course she denies making scenes. that way she can keep making them. Her denial of her scenemaking does not mean you have to pretend to believe she doesn't make them. If you had a hell of a nerve, you could even secretly videotape one, and show it back to her when she denies it yet again (ok, maybe this is illadvised, lol). Seriously, make holiday times with her the tangential holiday time and make time with your family the main time, since it's better all around. If she bitches, she bitches. And really if she's unpleasant on Xmas, don't invite her, you don't have to.
2. My kids have grown up in a situation a lot like yours; dh's mom is bsc and very mean to me and to others as well. My kids have grown up seeing this upon occasion. They don't like her, and I never left them alone with her when they were young, to keep them from being victimized. As older teens, they see her for what she is and have little to do with her, and are completely normal and happy children. While it's a shame, it's not life shattering, so try not to make this any larger an issue than it is. It's a huge deal to your dh because it's his mom and there's all that baggage, and it's a huge deal to you, because she's your mil, and you want to make the memories perfect etc for your kids, but really, they'll just know that grandma is crabby and they won't want to be around her.
Therapy is a good idea for your dh to learn to feel better about this situation and how to work out some of his feelings about his past, and I strongly advise it. It was very useful for me to go as well, so we could both be on the same page about it, and be sympathetic and supportive with each other when she's like this, and to talk out how it is the two of you will handle things. It was useful for us. You two sound like a nice couple, and this woman will not get the best of you.
Counseling is definitely a good idea. It won't take 20 sessions to explain everything, but even if it did, the point of counseling is that it's a process. If your MIL really is a narcissist, your husband has been affected by her in ways that he hasn't even realized. I would also recommend the books "Walking on Eggshells" and "Why is it Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism".
In the case of NPD, cutting the narcissist out of your life is almost always the best option. Narcissists tend to get worse over time and often the only way to protect yourself is to go cold turkey.