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Am I being irrational about agitation with DD's stepmother?
This is little, I know it is, but it is just eating at me. My daughter's stepmother (sorry I don't know all the abbreviations yet) is using this family tree app on facebook. And she listed my daughter as her daughter. Now, before you ask, she and my ex have been married for probably about 6 years or so, but they live on the other side of the country and at best see my child once a year. They do not call in between visits, but I think she sends my daughter some fb messages from time to time. Neither she nor he have any other children together or separately. Daughter will be 13 in two weeks.
She has made statements before referring to "her daughter," so its not like this is the first time she's used the phrase. They tried to get my daughter to call her "Mom" during one of the visits. I know this recent thing is just a fb app, but I also know that she represents herself as having a "daughter," when IMO, she just doesn't. She has a stepdaughter that she has met 6 times.
Part of me just feels sorry for her, and part of me is all Mama Bear and like, "that's MY cub, biotch!!" I'm just interested in your opinions. TYIA.
Re: Am I being irrational about agitation with DD's stepmother?
I have been around a number of blended families where they refer to everyone as "our kids," (vs. her kids by her prior marriage" and "his kids from his prior marriage"). And I've seen it when the kids are at least tweens at the time of the second marriage, and when I know who brought what child into the second marriage, so it's not just for babies or to not complicate the family setup.
I think some of this might be done to make the kid(s) feel included in the family unit, not as a means of pretending the bioparents don't exist. In other words, it may just be a way of making your dd feel included, and have nothing to do with you or pretending the stepmom is the only parent. I'm wondering how you (or your dd) would feel if she did a family tree and did NOT include your dd?
If the "mom" thing bothers you, I would talk to your ex about it. Your dd is also old enough to let her dad know how she feels.
I am a stepmother and I would never ever ever have my SS call me mom...and he lives with me.
Unless you (the biological parent) are unfit or not in the child's life AND the stepparent has been in the child's life for a long time, starting when teh child is young, there is no need.
There are literally thousands of other titles that the child(ren) can use to denote the special relationship. My StepKids call me EVS (evil stepmom) in gest and affection.
HOWEVER, (though not in your situation), FB does not have a step-parent designator (though they have male and female cousin?!?) for their family tree option. That leaves us step-parents in a bind, especially when it comes to the very inclusive FaceBook age.
Over here in Germany, we (the American military community) LIVE by FB in a way that we would not back in the states. Relationships that would get the side eye back home, like teachers and coaches friending their students, are ok.
So I am listed as SS's mother while we are here. That way the coaches, Jr ROTC leadership, Civil Air Patrol Leadership, etc know who is pinging them when I communicate with them.
But again, in your situation, where she only sees your DD once a year, I would go into DD's profile and remove it. Because the thing is, she had to have approved it in the first place.
Well, as others have said, FB doesn't offer any "step" options. And if all she's trying to do is list your DD as family in some way, I wouldn't get too upset. This is kind of an example of where I think FB is being given WAY too much weight.
Referring to your DD as "our" child - I also don't see that as a problem. Being a stepchild myself, while she's only met your DD 6 times, the fact that she's trying to be a family, the fact that she see's your DD as "her" child too - this is a GOOD thing. Really, for your DD's sake, this is a GOOD thing. For as little as your DD does see them - to feel welcomed into their home and to be considered fully a part of the family- that is GOOD.
BUT, the bit w/ them trying to get your DD to call her mom? That is absolutely where I'd be pissed off. Luckily your DD is old enough and she has a say. And your ex and his wife need to respect that. I lived w/ my stepmom and, despite it being MY choice to try and call her "mom", I was never comfortable doing it so it never stuck.
But yes, that is the issue where I'd be pissed.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you all so much!! I really just needed to vent and see if maybe I was being too hard on her. I probably won't say anything, my DD and I have a wonderful relationship and I think she can handle herself with her dad and stepmom. No more than DD gets to see her dad, I don't want to create an even more uncomfortable situation.
Thanks again.
Another stepmom here! I DEFINITELY refer to the boys as "our/my sons", but don't expect them to call me mom, out of deference to their mother. But they still do sometimes; but that's THEIR choice. They're still young, so I haven't added them to my family tree, but I would list them as my kids. Same thing I'm sure for their stepdad.
It also makes a difference though, that their mom and I get along pretty well, and are actually FB friends;
BUT while you may talk to your ex about it, IMO it's going to make you sound a bit petty (not trying to sound harsh here).
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013
well as she is the step mom it is not okay for them to try to make your daughter call her mom.. she already has one of those.. but i fell if she feels love for your daughter as her own, and calls her hers.. i feel you should take that a compliment... my step mom introduces me as her daughter, and my dad does the same for her children.. i even call her children my brother ad sister.... my moms boyfriend of 12 years or so i call my step dad, and he calls me his daughter... and as far as i am concerend my parents arent angry about it either way..
I think it's kind of weird that she would add her on facebook like that when 1. there isn't a stepmother options and 2. she doesn't even really see her!
My cousin has a SS and he calls her mom. When he was in school he lived with his mom full time and saw them on weekends and holidays (they lived about 30 to 45 mins away from each other) but then again my cousin has been married to his dad since he was about 3 and he's in college now.... so they've been in each others life for a long time, but your daughters stepmom isn't even really apart of her life so it's super weird that she would ask her to call her that.