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And I was doing so well.....MIL/SIL issue. :) vent....kinda long
SO MIL and SIL are BFF's (SIL married MIL's son, so it is not her bio-daughter).
I have known them for 8 years. MIL/SIL have known each other 12 years.
If you've seen some of my previous posts, I admit to a little bit of jealousy that I'm not included in their activities (even on occasion). Fine, they get along and like each other better. I've been focusing on other things, like DH and DD.
Anyhoo, like an idiot, I tried again. MIL mentioned back in the spring how she would like to go on a weekend w/DH, myself and DD. I said GREAT! Waited a month or so and in the beginning of June said "hey, how about going to the coast on xyz weekend?" TWO WEEKS LATER she asks her boss for the time off and gets back to me w/a "sorry, someone is having surgery and they need me to cover."
Oh, okay, unfortunate, let DH or I know another weekend, we'll be happy to accomodate.
I should have taken the clue when it took her two weeks to even ask her boss....
She was supposed to be working weekends through August 7th.
I just see on The Devil, oops, I mean Facebook, that she went w/SIL, her Sister, and SIL's mother on a girl's weekend to Leavenworth (2 hours away) this past weekend.
Help me out here....I'M PISSED! Trying to determine how to react. Do I call her out on it?
Be passive aggressive and post on the pic - looks like a great time! Thought you were still working weekends.....
OR (and my most likely response) just ignore it all. This once again confirms that for some reason unknown to me, I'm excluded.
AND how about part 2 - do I even mention it to DH? I'm assuming I will. I can't believe how upset I am (not huge, but I'd been doing well on just dealing with being not included).
Thanks for "listening" to my vent.
Re: And I was doing so well.....MIL/SIL issue. :) vent....kinda long
You're hurt, and I get that. I tried for a while to be friends with my SIL and I ultimately decided that it's not worth it. We're friendly to each other when we see each other, I'm polite and try to include them in stuff (and this is really making me rethink their anniversary issue - another post, sorry...) but the fact is, she and I wouldn't have been friends if I hadn't married her brother, so we're not friends regardless.
I could just boil it down to political differences, value differences, lifestyle differences, but the fact is, sharing a family doesn't mean you have to be friends. If it comes from one side more harshly than another (as in, you're trying but she's not), then it feels like rejection, but that's not all it's about. It's just how some people are. It could be length of time they've known each other, it could be a shared history, it could be a dozen other things, but it doesn't mean you're bad or wrong or whatever.
Tell your H straight out and honestly. "Look, I tried several times to get close to MIL and SIL and I think it's not going to work. I feel a bit hurt by it and I'd really rather not try again, so I don't get let down again, so can we just take this as a lesson learned and concentrate on the friendships we do have?"
Do NOT call her out on it, do NOT doing any passive aggressive posting on FB. If her posting photos upsets you, hide her feed.
I get that you are hurt and it is ok to feel that way, but you need to not act on it.
Your best bet is to work on accepting that your relationship is what it is and to focus your effort elsewhere, as you said in your OP.
No passive aggressive stuff on facebook.....its just lame and it sounds like you know that.
I agree....if she does not like you that much move on and accept. There is no other way around it. Good luck
In my experience, talking about specific situations "in the moment" is far better than waiting and making sweeping generalizations later. Overall, its best to ignore bad manners and small things, but this is eating at you and I would be afraid that it would come out in an awkward, unplanned way if you let it go again. So this becomes a golden opportunity to point out and/or address an onging issue that has bothered you. That said, I think you have to admit that you will not be invited and move-on with what that means personally and how it will impact your relationship (with all of them). Because I find it highly unfair and obnoxious that your MIL would give lip-service to a weekend away, not follow-through, give an excuse and then go on this. Same for the SIL. SIL has every ability to include you, too. While it's fine for MIL to choose to do whatever she wants with whomever she wants, it is NOT find to pretend that she wants to do something with your family when she really has no intention to do it.
So back to the "in the moment" opportunity. I think it would be good for DH to say something like this:
"Mom, I was glad to see on FB that you had fun on your girls weekend to Leavenworth. Sadly, it reminded me that you had mentioned wanting to spend a weekend away with me, MsJen and DD and our disappointment that we couldn't arrange a weekend because of your work schedule. At this point, I am not going to expect that you can schedule a weekend away. And MsJen won't expect to be included on one of these weekends when you can. It's easier on us not to expect something when you simply have so much on your plate and different priorities"
This, of course, will likely lead to trouble. But you may need to start some trouble to make your point and take-back your pride in being jerked around. I'm sure your MIL doesn't intend to be exclusive but she can hardly pretend that she isn't. It's a fact. Maybe it would be a good thing to stop pretending that all is well when, in fact, you have finally admitted that you will never be included and at this point will stop hopingg/trying.
Yes, tell your DH. Just the facts. "Hey- your mom couldn't do __ w/ us because she was working, but it appears she did ___".
Then just stop trying. You know where you stand. Stop trying. Accept her as she is. Accept your relationship as it is.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks all for the input. And I so wanna be passive aggressive! hahaha. I won't.
I'm going to let DH handle it and mention this trip to him. Fortunately, I know that he sees what is going on and supports me.
Did she go on this trip the weekend you had invited her to the coast with you?
Jen - honest question, not snark :
What do you expect/hope to come out of the convo that your H would have with her or your SIL?
You obviously realize it isn't going to change her behavior. Are you looking for an apology or to make her feel guilty that she blew you off?
MuchAdo - She said that she was working EVERY weekend until the weekend of Aug 7th. We planned to go on our little trip Aug 5 - 7 to accomodate her schedule.
She went on this trip last weekend.
Zest - Excellent question. DH won't talk to SIL. If anyone, he'd mention it to his mom. I'd like some honesty. Just admit that you don't want to be around me, quit lying. The kicker on this is that she was the one who said she wanted us to all go out and spend a weekend together.
After cooling off a bit, part of me doesn't want to say anything at all. However, DH won't understand why I want to have zero to do w/her and SIL.
I'm just going to go eat some more chocolate...it seems to be helping.
Plans get changed that happens. Since her trip wasn't on the weekend you had invited her I would just ignore it and chalk it up to a she's just not that into you kind of thing and just get over it. Her loss not yours. Be honest with yourself if you weren't married to your DH would you ever even want to spent time with your MIL or SIL? If the asnswer is no then why are you letting this get to you? If the answer is yes then ask yourself why would you want the approval of these women.
But if your H talks to his mom and she yells out, "I don't want to be around your wife, take a hint", is that really going to make you feel better?
Don't force her to kick you while you are down.
I do think that you and your H should talk about this, but it should stay between the two of you. And again, I get why you are hurt, but practicing acceptance is probably the best course of action.
If you weren't jealous of the relationship between MIL and SIL, would you even care if MIL wasn't that into you?
I agree with the others - tell your DH that you are not making any more plans with his mom. He is in charge of making arrangements with his mom. You'll show up when asked, and that's it.
Also, if MIL again says how much she'd like to go out on a weekend with you, dh, and dd, tell her "talk to dh about arranging something."
BILs girlfriend and I used to try to schedule times for us to all do a couple's thing. However, I learned that unless BIL and DH make plans themselves, there will always be excuses and cancellations. They will arrange to meet when they arrange to meet. I stay out of it and it no longer bothers me. (and BIL and DH like each other).
Ditto on concentrating on the relationships with people who like you and enjoy your company! Focus on building those friendships and fill your life with people who value you and your family!
Do you ever ask her something like, "MIL I hear you saying that you'd like to spend time together, but you never actually make it a priority or have time for us to hang out. Why is that?"
Honestly, it sounds like there is a big communication gap between you both. Maybe she doesn't want to spend time with you, maybe she does, who knows. I guess until you actually question her actions than I am not sure you can ever really understand why she continues to do this. You can make assumptions, but they may very well be wrong. I think the best time to do this would be when she mentions something like she would love to get together or go away, etc.
And I'll also argue that her not wanting to hang out w/ you ALONE doesn't mean she doesn't want to spend time w/ all of you as a family. Those are two different issues.
But earlier you said: So, which is it? Does he see it and supports you, or does he NOT see it and doesn't understand why you don't want to be around them?~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I just wanted to add that I think you should tell your H. It will help him to understand if you stop trying as hard as you have been with your MIL. I wouldn't do anything else except try to accept the relationship as it is.
I definitely understand why you would be hurt and annoyed at this. But you're in an awkward position in terms of acting on anything. Best to try to move on and not try with them.
Let me see if I can remember and answer everything.
DH does support me. In the current state I have transferred all family gatherings to DH. He can coordinate them etc. I would attend and be polite and conversational (not just sulk and be a biotch in the corner). Last time I saw MIL was at DD's dance recital mid-June.
After yesterday, I don't even want to deal with her at all. Never see her again. HOWEVER, I know this is not realistic. I'm just going to have to buck up and still continue w/the politeness. If she does bring up "let's get together" I'll push it to DH or say, okay, set it up.
As for the jealousy issue, I guess it's because I would like to have a relationship w/MIL. I figured as she has one w/SIL, why not me? But also as others have mentioned, I'll be focusing elsewhere.
BUT, as a pp mentioned, I sure don't want to look psycho. I'll just get over it, take the high road etc. blah blah blah. But once, just once I'd like to be a drama queen - it's not my style though. On the Nest, in my head, sure, real life, no.
You're not going to get honesty. For whatever reason, MIL prefers to spend her time with SIL. I imagine the reason, if there is one, is something you can't really control or would be hurtful. So long as you all confront her, she will continue to make half ass attempts to look like she is trying without actually trying. It's dragging out the inevitable.
You're better off just accepting that you won't have a close relationship, spending the time and energy on your own family and more importantly making some friends you can have fun with and hang out with. If she's being this petty and inconsiderate towards you now I can't imagine she would make a great friend or be that much fun to hang out with, find some people who are fun and who you have things in common with!
If you're busy doing fun things on your own you won't want to take the time away to spend it with MIL, you'll just be happy you have the time free to do what you want to do.
You forgot my question so I'll ask it again. Is MIL and SIL the type of people you think you would want to have a relationship with if you weren't married to your DH?
I only ask again because I think if you answer this question it will help you get over the hurt you are feeling because I'm thinking the answer will be no.
And this is such a great question!
I "believe" so. They are nice people although MIL can gossip a bit. SIL is fun and funny. We have had good times in the past.
Ultimately, I'll never have any type of relationship other than being polite at family functions. I had already been working on that and was doing well until I saw the picture - proof that I'd been excluded. So back on the "get over it" train I go!
From personal experience, I wanted to get along with my SIL so badly that I did what you were doing--almost forcing myself onto her without realizing it and feeling REALLY left out. Long story short, we had a very forced, awkward relationship, and still do. I had an epiphany one day and wondered why I wanted to hang out with her so badly when she is such a fake person...it's literally like she has two different personalities and VOICES; one with IL's, another one around 'the girls.' I realized I just wanted to fit into my H's side of the family so badly that I was changing my behavior to hang out with someone I had zero in common with. It didn't help that H had publicly said he can't stand her, she ruined his last relationship and was trying to ruin ours, etc (longer story). She has trashed us in the past, and I, for some reason, REALLY wanted to try to make amends. Why? I don't know...I just wanted to feel included. But, you'd think if she really wanted us to get along, she would have asked me to hang out first.
Just something to think about! Don't waste your time on people who wouldn't spend their time on you--seems like you're getting that