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So frustrated! Need support!
We took away TV and Wii for the day, made DSS confess and apologize to his friends, and he and DH had some long talk about the truth. Lots of tears. Then I got home and he had to confess to me and call his BM and confess to HER. I made a big show of not believing him when he told me something. I figured we'd made an impression until ...
I asked him if he brushed his teeth before bed. He said he had, and I made the dramatic show of checking his toothbrush since I couldn't trust him. D*mned if that toothbrush wasn't BONE DRY. He hadn't brushed his teeth in DAYS (as he assures us every morning and evening that he does), let alone when I asked him.
So not a half a day after getting in mega-trouble over
lying, he's lying AGAIN! Is he a sociopath or something? WTF, man! So
DH and I came up with a long list of chores and consequences for today.
I was talking to SIL, and she asked if it was possible that he's acting out to get attention, or that he's anxious about going back to his mom's house in a week.
I understand that his behavior is totally age-appropriate, and know that he's generally a good kid.
I am just at the end of my parenting rope. I do not know what else to do or say. I do not know how to give him MORE positive attention. I do not know how to ease any anxiety he has about going to his mom's house. I do not know how to deal with this.
I have a puppy who needs training, another dog to care for, and DH just started working again on second-shift (3-11 p.m.). I've got a house to take care of, laundry to do and we have guests coming. I have to make a nutritious dinner every night that everyone in the family will eat. I work, and have a couple side projects going on. So forget any time to take for myself ... I am frazzled and exhausted, and just do NOT know how to be Super Stepmom/Wife anymore!
It is terrible, but I am counting the days
until DSS goes back to his mom's. That is almost the worst part of it.
Takes me back to the "I'm supposed to love him as my own" guilt.
Re: So frustrated! Need support!
Steph, you know you are amazing. We have all these same issues with Gabe, and you know how frustrated I get with him & I am his mom. It is normal. Kids with these kinds of issues are really hard to "like" sometimes. I love DS with all my heart, but I swear sometimes I do not like him for what he does. Lying makes me feel that way the most.
I have asked myself if Gabe is a sociopath many a time, so I don't think it is weird or abnormal that you think this. Lying just sometimes comes too easily and they seem like they are only upset they got caught, not that they actually lied, which makes it hard.
You are a great person in B's life, and he is lucky to have you. You care abuot what kind of person he will turn out to be, and that is really what matters.
I am so sorry you're dealing with such stress. Although it does sound like typical behavior, you and your husband are saints for trying to correct it. I have seen many young children do the same things, with the parents aware, and there be little to no consequences because they "choose their battles".
You are doing the best you can possibly do, and you're amazing for it. Lots of love!
Ditto. I know how hard you work to be a good stepmom to him and my hat's off to your commitment and perseverance. It sounds like a REALLY tough job. He will be a better person in the end because he had adults like you in his life who cared enough to be tough with him when needed, and to give him the structure and discipline he needs.
I'm not a mom myself but it sounds to me like you guys are doing all the right things. I'm trying to remember back to being a kids and, honestly, sometimes it just takes a few times of getting in trouble before the message finally sinks in that doing X is just not acceptable. I hope you get through to him soon.
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((BigHugs))
I don't know all the details b/c I haven't been on the Boards as much lately. I am really sorry you are having such a hard time. I'm a mom, but not a step-mom. But I do have a step-mom. I know that people say parenting is the hardest job but I think being a step-parent adds a whole extra layer of 'hard'.
I don't know how old he is and I don't know all the details but I'll just share some of my thoughts as a mom and step-kid. First of all, I never had to live with my step-mom so that is a very different thing. Also, my parents divorced when I was 11. My dad married my step-mom when I was 18. My parents are amazing and have remained very close friends and there is none of the drama and nastiness that comes with so many divorced parents, for that I am beyond thankful. While I love and respect my step-mom, we are not very close. She acted like a mom to me, which I actually appreciate b/c I always had my mom and since I never lived with my step-mom, there was never really a need for her to act as one to me. But she is always respectful and supportive, I appreciate that as well. We have a good relationship, but it isn't 'motherly'. I guess what I am getting at, is that it is complicated being (or having) a step-mom. I should also add, that the greatest thing my parents ever did for me (in relation to their divorce) is that they never said a bad word about each other. Any problem they had was between them, and not to be 'aired' to me. I have seen other friends who went through nasty divorces with their parents and I can see a world of difference between our experiences. I can't imagine what my relationship with my step-mom would be like if my mom or dad was badmouthing the other. Even if my step-mom never said a bad word, I would still have felt like I couldn't be close to her at all b/c I would have felt that I had to take a side, and if I had to take a side, how could I be close to her?
Bottom line, every kid wants to be loved and to feel important. Remember to tell your DSS that you love him and you respect his feelings, wants and needs. You don't have to take his mom's place, but you can be another mom in his life. Don't look at the lying as a big problem you have to fix but look at little things you can do to make things better: I would give lots of compliments, encouragement and praise when possible (yes, even for the ridiculously small things). Then I would also ask him for his opinion on lots of small things, let him make some choices and have some control over his life (again, even with very small things like what to wear, what to eat, when to do certain tasks). Ask for his help on lots of small things. In other words, keep him close, show him lots of attention. Lastly, try to talk to him calmly whenever there is a problem with no judgement or anger (ok, I know that is next to impossible but even trying helps). Try to find ways to reinforce important rules of the family: no lying, sharing, helping etc. Thank him whenever he does something right. Nothing will make things better overnight. It will take time. There is a part of me that feels when kids act up, there is a part of them that just wants more attention from their parents. Let 'em know you love them but there are rules to follow too. And making mistakes doesn't mean that the love goes away. Yeah...maybe I'm delusional but its a start
I don't know, and I may be rambling. I know you are trying everything you can and I don't know what to do either. I'm just trying to come up with some ideas in case something helps in some way. It's an incredibly tough situation, don't be too hard on yourself. Hang in there, you are doing a great job, its a thankless job but also, very important. Thanks for listening to me ramble
(((BigHugs))
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Is it time for therapy? For him, I mean? You're doing the right thing. The fact that you care so much and do get so upset about the wrongdoings means you're doing the right thing. You'd be a terrible parent if you didn't care.
So after he leaves, is there a possibility you and dh can take a little relaxing weekend away? Sounds like you could use some recharging.
Girl, you are a Rock.Star. No joke. You have so much on your plate, and you're obviously a good parent on top of it all. I admire your tenacity, and don't feel badly about counting down the days... a person can only take so much stress and pressure, and you're under too much right now. Seeing a light at the end of the tunnel doesn't mean you don't love him as your own, it just means you need something to give, and when he goes to his mom's, you'll get a break from that particular stressor (the lying issue, not the DSS, who you clearly care about!).
Keep it up, you're doing everything right! I admire you so much!
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Haley Beth ~ March 3rd, 2011