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Etiquette re: condolences... Too little, too late?
My husband's great grandmother (99 yrs old with advanced stage Alz/Dementia) passed away about a week ago. The funeral was last friday and my husband was asked to be a pallbearer. Though he wanted to be there, he was unable to because he was out of town on business. I had to work a double shift (16hrs) on the day of the funeral and could not get off work on such short notice as well. I work crazy hours and go to school (which I know shouldn't be an excuse) so it hasn't been until now that I realized a week has gone by and I have done nothing to show this family support. My husband is very blas? when it comes to keeping in touch with family and sort of does his own thing but I think it's very important we do something to reach out to this family. I am wondering if any efforts at this point would be too little, too late and if applicable, what are some suggestions to show support in this time of grievance?
Re: Etiquette re: condolences... Too little, too late?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I wouldn't feel obligated to send a card. What would you do, send a condolance card to your own mom/grandpa/uncle? Your dh is a member of the deceased's family as much as everyone else. It is silly to say "sorry for your loss," when the loss was mutual.
If anything, I would reach out to people most hurt (dh's mom/dad, the grandparent if they are still alive) and share some happy memories, and ask how they are doing. Not in a condolance card, but in a letter or phone call.
I agree with the PPs who asked who there is to reach out to? If my great grandmother passed away, I'd be sending cards to my grandparents, parents and siblngs.
Yes. Why wouldn't you?
Because their loss is your loss. You are sharing the loss of the same person.
If you can swing it you could donate to some Alzheimer's nonprofit in her name. THe card could be sent to her nearest living relative.
This is what DH and I did when his step-grandmother passed. The card was sent to his step-mom. I don't think we sent a card but we never send cards for anything cause we're generally lame like that.
I love this idea! This is great because it is something that has affected many members of his family. Thank you!!!
I am very sorry for your loss.
When my husband passed away, I was getting cards every day for two months after. Let me tell you, those cards, especially the "stragglers" that came in when I was beginning to feel forgotten about, meant the world to me. The. World. I still have them, and I still read them. Well, sometimes, anyway.
If you feel awkward sending a card to family members, can I suggest either dropping off a meal with a hug and an "I'm thinking of you, and I'm missing ggm" or a donation, maybe to the Alzheimer's Society, or maybe to her hospice?
The acknowlegement cards those organization sent were also a welcome comfort.
When it comes to condolences, my experience is that no effort is too little OR too late; in fact, I don't mean this to sound entitled or anything, but the meals that came that week, and especially the day of the memorial service, I have no idea who brought me what (I probably had 25 casseroles in my freezer at one point). But the meals that came a week or two later, every bite was eaten with appreciation of that individual's love and concern and efforts on my behalf.
ETA: And one last thing: I'm a big, big foodie (emergency food committee my church, one of ddh's memorial funds was a food pantry) and my "thing" with bringing food after a death or during a time of family crisis is that I always bring it cooked AND FROZEN so they can freeze it for later if they want or thaw it for that night. I include thawing and reheating instructions inside the wrappings. I usually have a couple of casseroles in my freezer for just this purpose.