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In-Laws babysitting issue.
Here is the situation...it's a little long.
We go out ocassionally and leave our two boys with my mom who lives 35 minutes away. they stay over night so we don't have to pick them up and can stay out as late as we want. My mom loves to have the boys and takes them overnight as often as we ask.
My in-laws live about 10 minutes away and are older (70 & 75) and make sure you know how "old" they are and how "infirmed" they are. They have been telling me about their medical woes for over 10 years now. When our boys were babies, we didn't let them babysit (just didn't ask and when they would say something about wanting to babysit, my H would say ok we would let them know when we needed help). My MIL says she can barely walk or do the stairs, FIL tells us how old he is all of the time and how he cannot do too much b/c he had a desk job his whole life.
My H takes the boys to their house at least once a week for a visit, and now that they boys are not babies, we have had them babysit during the day for a couple of hours at a time. The boys are in a gated living room, so they cannot run around the house and the little one cannot go on the stairs. They also watch a video to keep them more occupied and calmer (mother of boys are smiling right now). Easy babysitting job.
My H decided we should start going out at least once a month for dinner. We live a a great little town with lots of restaurants in walking distance of our house. When we leave the boys with my mom, we go out to dinner late. I said, why don't we put the boys to bed and have his parents come over and just watch tv. My H freaked out! Said that was asking them to just house sit, that we should leave the boys up. I asked him who was going to put the boys to bed. The 2 year old sleeps in a crib and needs to be lifted, and their bedrooms are on the second floor. My H said that if we want to put the kids to bed, we should pay someone to sit in the house.
My question is, am I wrong in my thinking? Am I using my dislike for my in-laws (there is so much history with his parents, including nasty phone calls to my parents about how I caused my husbands heart attack, while my H was still in the hospital) to just stick it to them or is it ok to ask someone to babysit after the kids were in bed? I remember I loved when people asked me to babysit and their kids were in bed. My mom said that since they see the kids every week, what is the big deal?
Re: In-Laws babysitting issue.
I agree with your mom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having someone who can get down on the floor with them and play and not just sit them in front of a TV. This isn't all about your ILs but also about your children. If you think they would have more fun with a younger sitter, by all means do it.
Besides, it isn't like you are going to go over to the IL's house and telling them they aren't babysitting. Just keep taking them over there once a week and don't worry about it.
I wouldn't be leaving my young kids with two people in their 70's who complain about not being able to get around well........not even for a few hours during the day.
But I also wouldn't ask grandparents to come over AFTER the kids are in bed just to sit at my house and watch TV. That's kind of insulting. Yeah, I loved it when I was a teenager babysitting someone else's kids........but we're talking grandparents here.
Keep dropping them off at your parents' house. Start dropping them off earlier if you want to have dinner earlier.
Past that - I see both sides. I don't get your DH's reaction. I don't understand why he "freaked out" - at all (from the perspective of being offensive, or what have you). I don't think you were suggesting something horrible or rude. I don't see what this has to do w/ "disliking" your IL's.
BUT, at the same time, I would never ask my parents to come over and watch DS AFTER he went to bed. If they do sit at night, they always come over early enough to spend some time w/ him before they put him to bed. Using my parents is about giving them and my son some good quality time together.
If you aren't comfortable using your IL's where they'd have to put them to bed, that's absolutely, 100% valid. On that, I'm TOTALLY on your side.
But either take them to your moms or hire a sitter.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think you are crazy to have two infirmed people sit in your house and watch TV and call it babysitting. If they are not physically fit enough to immediately respond to an emergency (even a minor one) then they shouldn't be your babysitters.
My father is very fit and active and loves to be involved with his grandkids. He does not like to babysit at night. It's just no fun for him and he'd really rather be in his own house, enjoying his own stuff when he's relaxing. My mother is too ansy to just sit around my sister's house waiting for her to get home.
It sounds like you have the ideal situation for a babysitter. You can put the kids to bed, pay someone to keep an eye on things, walk to a nice restaurant and be back in 2 hours. Just pay someone. Someone qualified to the task.
I'm missing a little piece. When your husband suggested making a weekly date-night for the two of you to visit little eateries in the neighborhood...was he suggesting at that point to do anything with the kids? I mean, was he suggesting dropping them off at his parents or at yours? And were either overnight? Or was the conversation not that far along yet?
If he just objects to his folks being in your home without the oppty to visit the kids, would you/he object to putting the baby down before leaving, allowing "big boy" time alone with grams and gramps? Or you just allowing them to babysit at their house (sounds like it is near by, too?) and just not going out as late as you would when your folks watch them?
Edited to add: FWIW, it doesn't sound like your idea was tied to any personality issues with your ILs. It sounds as if you're both generally realistic over what the grandparents can or should handle given their physical state.
I agree with this. If they can't get upstairs to the bedrooms and can't pick up your child to get them out of the crib, what will happen if something goes wrong? Sure, if they sleep uneventfully the whole time it won't be an issue, but you can't assume that's going to happen.
Your husband had no reason to "freak out", though. If I were him my response would have just been "we can't do that because they can't respond appropriately to an emergency".
This. If they aren't physically capable of responding to an emergency- lifting an injured child or escaping a fire- they aren't up to the demands of childcare at any time.
If you don't want to use your mom every weekend, find a competent teenager or college student.
My MIL loved DS more than anyone I know but she was too fragile and infirm for him to be left in her care. I used to pay my older nieces to watch them both.
My parents volunteer to do this with my nephew all the time. My mom especially knows how important it is for my sis and BIL to have some time to themselves and wants to help out. Since they would probably just be watching TV and having dinner at their house, they instead do the same thing at my sister's house and keep an ear out for the kids. I don't see the big deal. Would your ILs resent being asked for help by their son and DIL if it didn't involve spending time with the kids?
I'd NEVER leave my child with someone I could not trust in an emergency. There is no way I could enjoy a nice dinner thinking of God forbid...
Hire a babysitter and have the peace of mind if something were to happen that person could run up the stairs. I'm not sure from your description if your ILs have the the mental capacity to handle a situation, obviously they do not have the physical.
I would not be offended to be asked to watch children who were sleeping or already in bed. Your DH's thinking it is insulting is only based on how he thinks his parents would react, but not how all people think about the offer. You are inclined to disagree based on your experience with people.
At the end of the day regardless of all the other things to get caught up in with this story situation ... the reason I think your idea is not well thought out is because of safety.
If they are not able to lift or go up and down stairs it poses a safety issue with them watching the kids in the settling you have described.
If there were a fire, if one of the kids needed something (even if it isn't usual for them to need something after bed), if this is the night that your crib sleeper decides to climb the mountain and fall out of the crib - becomes injured. Any number of things ... are you confident that they would be able to help or would they also be in need of help?
They are not over-night / late night sitters. There is nothing wrong with that. They are day time sitters for a couple of hours in a controlled setting.
When the boys were first born, my in-laws, who are very sneaky, would ask my H, behind my back when they could babysit. My H would bring it up every once in a while and I would say the same thing, who is going to lift the baby? They have made it very clear, since they were in their mid-60's, when I met them, that they were very old and could not do too much. I got away with not having them babysit for 4 years now, but cannot fight anymore, so I said why don't they come to our house and watch the kids for a couple of hours. I will not allow my kids to go to their house alone as they have an open floor plan with exposed stairs. Nothing is blocked and you have to chase the kids around the house the entire time we visit. Everything that can be broken easily is on display on a coffee table or side table. No way on God's green earth, can they be alone there!
My living room is completely gated off from the rest of the house and the front door is in the same room, they can run right out it there is a fire. I leave the house phone on the side table in case of emergencies. They cannot work the baby gate, so I have to instruct the 4 year old to make sure to open the gate for Nanny and Gramps. He is very good a opening and closing the gate so he can use the potty if he is playing with his brother. I put a video on, that I know they will watch very intently and leave a couple more there in case we are not back right away.
It is really sad and pathetic that I have to leave my kids with these people, but the strain on our marriage from these people is awful! If I can go up the street (3 small blocks) to my son's school for a conference, and be back in 45 mins, then it gives me some relief from fighting with my H over this subject again. The one poster is completely right, he's worried about upsetting them, so he goes out of his way to make them happey
Last night would have been the first time they sat in the evening while we went out. We ended up not going b/c my H said that he was not going to ask them to come after the kids were in bed. Worked for me, I didn't have to sit at dinner pretending I was so happy to be there when I was constantly worrying about what was going on at my house. I never feel that way when my mom has them. If we go away for a couple of days, I hardly think of them and actually relax and sleep!
Thanks for the posts...it really has made me understand that it is not me...I'm not crazy or being vindictive.
It might help to address this with your DH directly at a neutral time. Tell him that it has nothing to do with not wanting your kids to spend time with his parents or liking your mom better or what have you -- this is a health and safety issue FOR YOUR CHILDREN and that takes precedence over potential hurt feelings on his parents' parts.
Emphasize to him that you want your children to have quality time with his parents, but that the quality time does not have to include babysitting. If they are limited physically, they can't safely be left alone with a couple of active toddlers.
Is his "date night" a ploy to get babysitting time for his parents or is it a way to spend time with you? If it's truly the latter, hire a sitter. Like you said, a high school or college kid would LOVE to get paid to read or do homework or watch TV for a couple of hours while the kids were asleep so you could go to dinner.
No, what is pathetic is the fact that you'd rather leave your children in a situation where you fear for their safety, instead of standing up to your H. It's more pathetic that you tell yourself this is just how it has to be.
Wow. My DH and I would kill to have a reliable grandparent (your mom) nearby that would take our kids for the night. All our family lives on the other side of the country. We get to pay $12/hr to go on a date. We usually end up paying more for the sitter than the actual meal.
I think you should be grateful you have your mom and deal with the fact, you have kids and you no longer can go out on dates constantly. Either have your mom watch the kids or fork over the cash to go out. As much as I hate paying so much to go out; I have reliable sitters with my kids.