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MIL bringing up DH's xgf
DH & I have been together for nearly 6 years, married going on 2. Within that time, I can, unfortunately say that MIL has brought up DHs xgf every time we've visited together. (She lives states away). DH has asked her to not bring it up because 1) It's rude, & 2) It's not necessary. MIL has done it even after the request from DH. *& it's not so much what she says, it's the way she says it*
We're going to visit MIL for Labor Day Weekend & I have to admit, I'm cautiously optimistic. I think we'll have good times, but there's that creeping feeling of "Prepare yourself to feel uncomfortable because the xgf convo is coming..." I get the vibe that she has some emotional ties to xgf because they got very close while MIL was divorcing FIL, but still: it was 10+ years ago!
I respect that it was a tough time for MIL, I do. I respect the fact that DH has xgfs. I don't understand why MIL has to bring it up whenever we're all together & put it in a way that sounds as if MIL would prefer xgf to still be very much involved in the picture. DH has openly admitted that xgf messed him up pretty bad for a minute there, but it was awhile ago & he's moved over it. He also doesn't get why MIL is 'stuck' on xgf.
Any suggestions on what to say/ how to say it in the event MIL pulls out the xgf convo card? I definately don't want to take it to the "If you can't respect us, we'll leave." extent, but just something that makes it known that it's not appreciated. *tia*
Re: MIL bringing up DH's xgf
Well, hell. If you don't care enough to make this a hill to die on, then let her make her little comments.
But you do care, don't you? She's being disrespectful of you and your dh, and she knows it bugs you because dh has asked her to stop, and she knows when she does it you won't take the 'we'll leave if you don't stop' step, so she keeps doing it, secure in the knowledge that it hurts AND that you'll let her continue.
You could, each time she does this, interrupt her, put your hand gently on her arm, and say "Mother Smith. We've asked you to drop the subject of xgf. Please don't bring her up again". and walk away and go do something else. Or "You must have forgotten; but we've asked you not to bring her up around us, please stop now". Or "Come get me when you're done talking about xgf." and walk off.
She KNOWS that it's not appreciated, so that is why she does it.
Why wouldn't you want to take it to the extreme of leaving a conversation when she brings it up?
I'm not sure why you have to have the dramatic 'we'll leave if you keep doing it' conversation, either. You don't have to give her warnings, threats,ultimatums, whatever. Just leave when she brings her up.
What does she say about her? Unless she's making reference to the fact that she wishes your H would have married her instead, I wouldn't let it get to you. If she's just talking about things that happened when they were together, I'd just let it go.
Does your MIL know you very well? Maybe she has no idea what to talk about...some people bring up the strangest subjects when they can't think of anything to say.
When she talks about XGF, I'd say "you must have really thought she was a wonderful person for as much as you talk about her, but I'm glad H saw some flaws in her because I'm happy I'm the one that married him." Its gentle, but reminds her that YOU are her son's wife.
MIL: Old gf just moved to California.
You: Oh, one of my ex boyfriends lives in New York/owns a restaurant/just bought a new house. (smile pleasantly)
MIL: Son, remember how you and ex used to always go to Fancy Restaurant?
You: My ex boyfriend, Dave, and I used to go out for sushi every Friday. (big smile)
It will drive her nuts
Why not ask something like:
"Why are you bringing up XYZ again? That was like ten years ago and we don't care."
"Why do you bring her up every time we visit?"
"Its so weird that you mention her again. It really leaves the impression that you miss her."
After all these years, tip toeing around it seems foolish.
Is MIL bringing up xgf in the context that she wishes she were still in the picture for your DH or for her herself? I only ask this because of your comment about how xgf was "there for her" during the divorce. For me, while it would feel uncomfortable being in the DIL role, I have a little more compassion or understanding if the issue is a sentimental one or carrying still hurt over the divorce and gratefulness for the closeness the xgf brought her...so it would be completely removed from her actually being the ex girl friend to her son and only be about someone who was kind and whom she likely opened up to deeply in her own loneliness.
If it could at all possible be something along those lines, I think I would take the opportunity to put my arms around her and tell her how lucky she was to have had someone in her life at that time and how sorry you are that life worked out the way it did that caused her relationship with the woman to dissolve over time (this is not the same as saying, "Sorry I'm not her" or "Sorry your son didn't end up with her"). Then - and maybe this is manipulative, I don't know - I would brightly say that you think she's [fill in the blank with something you can find admirable or strong or soft about her] and that you and your son are the lucky ones.
My *theory* is that if she is allowed to feel ok about missing the girl, but at the same time can begin to see that the hear-and-now of her life has people in it who are willing and wanting to be with her (I pick that up by your saying you thinking it is still possible to have good family times) then she'll be able to start speaking more positively about what she does have.
You mention that MIL does this despite knowing it bothers you. Could you take her aside at some point and privately tell her that talking about xgf brings up bad memories for H? I don't care whether it's true or not. I mean, what kind of mother would deliberately hurt her son, just to get at her daughter-in-law?
Just in case she decides to ask him later, head her off by sighing and saying, "He won't admit it, but I can really sense his pain ... can't you?"
BTW, you might want to warn H if you've done this.
I would go off the deep end, mature I know.
I would honestly leave, and my Dh would beat me to the car. Not acceptable, I don't care what they went through together.
I think if your MIL makes a comment about the xgf, your husband should look at this mother and say, "Why do you always mention her when we get together? You can't remember that I already told you that we aren't interested in hearing about her." It would be interesting to hear what she responds with.
If your MIL is actually spending time with xgf, that's fine. Your husband could say, "Mom, I'm glad xgf is a friend of yours, but I'm not interested in hearing about her."
And if she still keeps doing it, well, sorry, that's when I would start pulling the difficult stuff. I would say, in front of my MIL "Geesh, DH, your mother can't talk about anything other than your xgf." And then leave.
I agree with asking her why she keeps bringing it up? Would she like it if you kept on bringing up FIL in a conversation?
The conversation should come to a screeching halt. Seriously, a blank stare or the view of your backside walking out the door might solve her stupidity.
This. Exactly.
Your H has already told her that mentioning the XGF is rude and not appreciated. She hasn't listened.
So, you can either keep trying that approach and keep banging your head against the wall, or you can try something new ... just pick up and leave.
I completely agree with this post. I think DH should be the one to be putting his foot down - after all, it is HIS mother. If you start acting the way she does, it will make your relationship with her much worse, and make MIL make even more xgf comments.
I dealt with this with my MIL for quite some time. DH's family loved his ex and expected him to marry her. When he broke up with her, it seemed very sudden to them. They didn't really properly deal with the loss of such an important part of their family. So MIL talked about her constantly, even after I came into the picture.
I always acknowledged her statements by saying something like, "It's nice you had such a great relationship with her. I hope we can have the same." or "It sounds like she was a great fit for the family, but not a great fit for DH." I just handled it like any part of a conversation and eventually it stopped.
Remember, sometimes exes aren't a good fit for us, but they were a great fit for our families. It might take them longer to get over the relationship that we did.
You know, if it were my parent doing this, I'd be furious, and bark "inappropriate!" every time she mentioned my ex. And if that didn't work, I'd try bringing a rape whistle to blow each time he was mentioned. When asked why, I'd tell mom that unless she's dumber than a lab rat, classical conditioning will help her stop the damn inappropriate ex talk.
The real question is, why isn't your husband doing something like this, or taking a stronger stance than talking to her about it? She knows it's inappropriate, whether it bothers the two of you or not. Why isn't she being consistently and unpleasantly called to task not for upsetting the two of you, but for behaving inappropriately?
Are you and H on good terms with FIL? Maybe everytime she brings up the exgf, you can say "speaking of exes, that reminds me, we saw FIL the other day and....."
Agreed. I usually stay silent and lurk; however, Kuus said exactly what I think over her last posts, and I find the following to be ludicriously roundabout:
I want this on a t-shirt. And I like your other advice here too.
...no thanks to my PCOS (Dx 2006,though should've been dx during maybe the Clinton years).
P/SAIF always welcome, especially if you share your sticky baby dust! **Looking to buy some gently used, one size Fuzzibunz. PM/Page me if you're selling. Thanks!**