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FBIL will ruin my wedding, but FI wants him there.
In my FI's family the elder brother is best man. I don't know how many generations have done this or how common it is, but my FI just told me about it last week. I have never heard of such a thing.
Problem is his older brother is absolutely a train wreck. He takes down everyone with him. He is arrogant, intrusive, invasive, and opinionated. He harrasses people by trying to play cop, judge, and jury about everything. If you don't agree with him, he will fight you, or cause a scene, until you do what he says. And sometimes he will still cause a scene, even when he gets his way. The last time we saw him, less than a month ago, he had to get his stomach pumped. At that point my FI wanted to cut him out and supported that 100%.
But now, his brother is in rehab, and attending AA. Now, my FI tells me he is the best man. I cannot deal with this. He is going to ruin our wedding. So my compromise to my FI is that he attends the reception but not the ceremony. We could have our close, special, intimate ceremony and then if he ruined the celebration of the marriage, at least we would have our ceremony to remember this day by. Not the obnoxious tool of a man that likes to order guests at parties around and bug the hostess about what she did wrong all night long. Which is exactly what he did at our last party we hosted.
My FI says he can't do that to his brother. So his compromise is that he sits his brother down and says "Look, I need you to be sober at my wedding. You have to be polite and not say anything rude about the wedding." And if he ruins my wedding, my FI will pay for another.
I don't think that is enough. I think that if after the horrible treatment he has given me the past two years (FI and I have been together for five, but his brother has been going down hill for two) that he needs to shape up or ship out at this point. Another wedding will solve nothing if he ruins this one. You only get one shot at these things.
If we were to follow my FI's compromise, it would have to be probation, not just a firm conversation. Something that would tell him the exact terms and conditions that he has to follow to attend the wedding, which he would have to follow from when he is told, to when he attends the wedding. He would have to be a model citizen for about a year or so before he attended the wedding. That way if he shows any signs of bad behavior, he is gone and I don't have to worry that he is going to ruin another family event.
I don't think it is unreasonable to want my wedding to be harassment free, with no hospital visits, no insults or negative energy, and no tools trying to take over my wedding. Am I being unreasonable to want such things?
And in case anyone is wondering, my FI, me and his brother are all in our late twenties, his brother is almost thirty.
Re: FBIL will ruin my wedding, but FI wants him there.
Have you seen the brother since he has been in rehab or AA ?
I would maybe host a few parties and BBQs and see how his brother behaves. If he reacts poorly then your FI will simply have to choose a new best man.
According to your bio your wedding is in October... of 2013. Why the hell are you worrying about this now?
15 months is a long long time...so you cant honestly be worrying about how is behavior is going to be if he is really trying at this point. He might be clean and sober and his behavior might be wonderful by then. I think you need to wait and see what happens before you make this a huge issue.
I would give it more time, test the waters, and then when it gets closer readdress it with FI. If he wants his brother i dont really see what you can do about it, other than marry someone else. and if you keep saying your wedding will be ruined it will be....by you!
He treated you horribly and whether he was drunk or sober, horrible treatment is horrible treatment. FI needed to tell his bro "Listen; what hurts my lady hurts me and until you get your act together, you're out of my life. Sorry."
There's more to this conundrum than just a nasty FBIL. Your FI has enabled him, your FI is in denial about his brother's booze problem....and your FI needed to take your side and put YOU first and not his bro,
FI needed to tell his brother eons ago "I love you but not your boozing. Until you are clean and sober with the help of AA and a sponsor/drug and alcohol counselor, you are no longer welcome in my life. When you sober up and are sober for a good stretch of time, another story."
And he should also tell his brother, "Right now you as my BM is a conditional --- if you fall off the wagon at any time between now and the wedding, you're not my BM anymore. You're also not welcome in my life or in my FI's life. Sorry."
I'll admit math has never been my strong suit, but I'm counting 15 months from now as being October of 2012. According to her bio, OP is getting married in October of 2013. That's 27 months by my reckoning.
Your FI is allowed to pick his best man without your permission, especially a brother.
If he's an active alcholic, then you need to come to an understanding about that and set appropriate expectations about what an active alcoholic can and can not do.
Since he's in AA right now, just assign someone to take care of him - a trusted cousin, friend or family member. Just in case. That person can babysit or do the ER support. That need not fall to either of you.
If this is really an issue for YEARS (2013) from now, cool your heels. Plans can change if the guy falls off the wagon.
I agree with what's already been said about your FBIL as best man. If your wedding is Oct 2013, you really don't have to settle this now.
My question/suggestion, has your FI been attending Al-Anon meetings? It's a support group for friends and families of problem drinkers. If he hasn't, your FI might find this group extremely helpful with his relationship with his brother.
holy crap i thought it was 2012!! omg if it is 2013 i have no response besides a head shake!
ANd it sucks that the OP has this to have hanging over her head like a sword of Damocles.
it is also way way too early for either him or you to choose a bridal party. Nobody should have been asked until about April of 2013. Sheesh...he's asking them nearly 2 years in advance?
The problem is that I have tested the waters with this man for five years. His brother has always been obnoxious but in the beginning it was manageable. Then his brother proposed to his FI two years ago. After that it just got worse and worse with every family event. Now it is to the point where I can't stand being in the room with him. It seems like I spend every single second with him defending someone from him. He picks on everyone over the age of 16.
Liquor is only part of the problem. The biggest part of the problem is his personality. There is nothing that can change that. Even sober and through the 12 step program, I doubt if he will be polite or nice at all.
We originally set it in 2013 to be polite to his brother because his was in 2012. He and his fiance just announced that they are switching it to two weeks before ours. At first I wanted to get married in 2012 but now I am unsure if I want to plan it for then because of the stress. He hasn't asked his brother, he just assumes that he will say yes because it is tradition.
He is the only thing I know will destroy the ceremony. I couldn't care less about the reception. I honestly want to have ten people, five of my family, five of his, in a beautiful ceremony and go to a restaurant after it. It's my FI with his hundred-something close relatives that is making this difficult. My FI wants a big wedding and he want his brother there and I am half way ready to call it off because I hate the idea of a big wedding and/or being within a 100 ft from his brother.
Remove the prepositional phrase from this sentence and I think you've stumbled onto the actual problem.
I was in this exact situation - minus the specific issues your FBIL has. My end result - ended the relationship. I understand why you need to settle this now - because if you don't, your FI will assume that you are okay with it because it was already opened for discussion and you didn't make your feelings known or you did and the issue was not resolved.
I think you need to look at this a bit more - both in days leading up to and past your wedding date. This is your FI brother, your FBIL. He will be your family and I don't think the family issues will end once you two are married.
My ex and I agreed that his brother would not be best man (also tradition) and that he agreed with me and even gave me reasons I didn't hear about (and many others he just never told me that I found out when we broke up). But closer to the wedding he had to have his brother be best man.
Even if you 'settle' or agree on this issue now. There is a huge possibility that your FI could change what he agrees on.
The only way that he will ruin your wedding is if he shoots the minister and you can't get married.
Really. Planning a wedding is stressful, yes, but you seem to be fixed on creating drama for your pretty princess day more than two years in advance.
You should be more concerned about creating a life with your FI than alienating him and his "hundred-some close relatives."
The way you are going, it seems you'll be lucky if there is a wedding in two years.
First off, I agree with some PPs who mentioned the whole: "my wedding" thing. Your FI is absolutely involved. It comes off as selfish, even if that's not your intention. Sorry to be blunt, but it's honest. As for the comment (later in the postings) about how you 'know FBIL is the only one who can ruin' the wedding... interesting conclusion, IMO, since there will be so many different people & personalities at the wedding. You never know what could happen when you get them all in one place together.
Also, it sent up a red flag with your comment of "if he [FBIL] ruins my wedding, my FI will pay for another. I don't think that is enough." There's so much more to a marriage than the wedding. A marriage is not just the wedding. It's not about the money. You can have 5 weddings & it wouldn't matter. What does matter, though, is that you & your FI get on the same page. It sounds like he might not be respecting your feelings & really listening to you (as you mention that 'FI tells me' & 'FI said' as opposed to 'FI & I spoke & we decided....' type of thing.) Also, I think that you might not be respecting the fact that, train-wreck or not, FBIL is his brother. FI obviously wants him to be invovled in his life & vice versa. And if it's their family tradition to have their brother as their best man, why not honor it? In the grand view of things, it won't matter who was standing behind your DH on your wedding day, because he was standing before you.
Also, you mentioned how when FI was upset & nearly wanted to cut FBIL out his life, you "supported that 100%". I can't understand why, it comes across as you're unwilling to show him that same support when he's not upset with his brother & wants FBIL in his life. It sounds like you're setting yourself up with nothing to help when the sh!t hits the fan. It will. It always has a way of doing that & you don't want your FI to end up resenting you later down the line.
If it is that you two simply just want to be married & have a celebration about it (aka: wedding), why not go to the courthouse to be married? Later on you guys can have an actual wedding & reception, minus the stress because you will already be H & W. It would be more like the opportunity to follow with traditions... while having a party with family & friends.
FWIW... my BIL missed our wedding & it killed DH, & it killed me to see that. DH, over dinner, said to me a few months before our wedding, "If I can't have my brother, I don't want anyone else to stand up for me." I respected that & so we only had my sisters stand up at the front with us. There was no Best Man & no groomsmen.
What's the fear of the best man role to ruin things? Do you not what him there at all? Not invite the groom's brother the wedding? Because that's what it sounds like. What, exactly, do you think he's going to do on the big day? If he's sitting on the alter or in the second pew, what's the difference?
And the "solution" to buy you a whole new wedding is so ridiculous as to be absurd.
Anyway, I think your REAL issue is the difference between a 10-person wedding and 100-person wedding. The best man thing is just a red-herring. But the actual vision for the wedding is the REAL issue you need to resolve. And the date. Giving another couple a year is just silly. And now it's not an issue, so book it when you really want.
I really want to get married at the courthouse. But my FI won't have it. He has to have all of his family there at the ceremony and it has to have a reception after. I am sorry if I came off selfish, I am so angry over this whole wedding. I have compromised against what I like or want for my FI, I feel jilted by this. He wants to have his huge family there, I just see a bunch of wasted cash. Then there is the food, decor, and timing that he says his family won't like. I know when he says things like "You have to have a wedding cake, my family won't like that." It feels like this wedding is more for his family and less for us as a couple. And now I have to plan wedding I don't want so someone can ruin it?
I was so excited to get married, to take the next step in our relationship, but with every little detail I am liking this less. I was willing to let everything else go and have a normal boring white wedding with a white dress, pearls, heels and wedding cake. The kind that serves veggies, fish and chicken, and picks songs that sound like they are off of a wedding CD you get in Wal-mart. I was ok with that because it is what my FI wants, and what he thinks he family wants. But now I have to let someone that only brings negativity and chaos with him crash it? Where does it give? Can't we just exchange rings, have an officiant make us legally married and call it a night?Then maybe you should call it off. Seriously, if you two can't work together and compromise on a wedding, then I hate to think how you will handle other disagreements and difficulties that will arise throughout your married life.
If you're bound and determined to marry this guy, let him plan the wedding of his dreams.
Seriously if you are giving in 100% to what your FI wants for this wedding, I highly doubt your married life will be any different. Now's the time to test the waters on compromise. Give a little, take a little. If your FI cannot handle that, then you have bigger problems than your FBIL crashing your wedding. If I were in your shoes - I would sit FI down for a nice long conversation - with expectations of what's to come out of the convo and a few solid months to show improvement. Nothing changes overnight but in time it might, and since your wedding is so far off now is the perfect time to do just that. If nothing changes though, follow through with your conversation. If you tell your FI that if he doesn't learn to compromise in 6 months, then you're leaving - - you leave after 6 months of no change.
Good luck
If you are truly allowing something that might possibly happen more than 2 years from now stress you out to this level, you need to see a professional to help you with that. Really.
Is anyone else curious about the "We wanted to get married in 2012 but we moved it to 2013 because BIL was supposed to get married in 2012"?
OP, you reallllly need to chill. It's a wedding. In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. Your FI wants him there, so he should be there. Have someone that's ready to escort him out if things get rough (even if you have to hire a damn bouncer)