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Am I overreacting?
I think this is more of a vent. In general, I have a good relationship with my inlaws. MIL and FIL live in town and BIL and his family live out of state. We see BIL and his family a few times a year when they stay at MIL and FIL's house. They were here Friday and Saturday and are leaving early today. We spent Friday with them and things were left up in the air for Saturday. We called multiple times Saturday to see what was going on and no one called us back. They went to the movies without us. (Annoying- but I can let it go.)
Today is FIL's birthday. BIL wanted to take his parents out to dinner as a birthday gift. No one invited DH or me. DH informed me that they were going out to dinner and then getting packed so they could leave early this morning. I asked DH why we weren't invited and he said he didn't know. He said I could call his mom if I wanted. I called and asked his mom if there was any reason we couldn't come to dinner. She said no. I put DH on the phone for directions to the restaurant etc. His mother told him TWICE that we would have to pay for our own dinner. I have no problem with that. I just thought mentioning it twice was overkill and that my adult husband and adult BIL could have worked out the financail arrangements themselves. I just think if it is a financial issue we still could have been invited with the understanding that we would pay for our meals. I just feel bad that we weren't even invited. I do realize that I should probably let DH worry about his family and stop letting it bother me so much. MIL also made comments that we spent too much on nephew's bday gift. His birthday was recently. I just feel like until we ask other people for money (we don't), my inlaws need to stop worrying about how we spend money. Am I overreacting?
Re: Am I overreacting?
I think so. Its FIL's birthday and BIL wanted to take him out. This is about you in no way, shape or form.
I guess I can understand why you might feel a little left out, but no way would I have called to invite myself to someone else's event.
In the future, stay out of it.
I think you just need to let it be. Who knows why they didn't invite you guys to the movie yesterday. Maybe they just wanted alone time with the parents, maybe they had a certain movie and didn't think you guys would want to go.
Besides, you said they left Saturday up in the air not Sunday. Which I think means we might or might not spend time with you guys. Today is Sunday and I think you both should have let them have a nice dinner together with just his parents. The more you guys try to push your way into their plans, the less they will want to spend time with you in the future. Trust me on this one.
Why couldnt you leave your BIL with some alone time with his parents? He diesnt live near them and Im sure he wanted to spend time with them.
WTF does this have to do with gifts for nephew?
there is a LOT more going on here!
Yes, I agree that inviting yourselves was rude. Why couldn't you let your BIL and his family have alone time with his parents?
Also, I'm curious. Do you usually let other people pay for you when you go out for family dinners?
I do think it's sad and kind of rude that BIL and SIL made no effort to see you guys or invite you to an otherwise family affair...FIL's birthday, especially since you don't see them often. However, I don't think inviting yourself along was necessarily the answer. Maybe BIL and SIL just wanted to spend time with the ILs separately.
The money thing is another story. If MIL says anything next time about money, I'd just leave it to your H deal with it but make it clear that it's really not their place to say anything. I agree with your thought process that you shouldn't let it bother you too much and maybe next time don't put so much effort into seeing BIL and SIL, especially since it doesn't seem like they are returning the favor.
Short answer: absolutely.
Longer answer: yes, and not only are you overreacting, you owe your ILs an apology for inviting yourselves along.
BIL wanted to take his parents out for dinner. Why would you have to be invited? You don't. Just because BIL wanted to take his parents out dosen't mean you and dh have to be invited. A son can take his parents out alone-and should be able to-without someone else stirring up unnecessary drama (you). Let it go and don't invite yourselves to things-people are entitled to do things without you. maybe bil wanted to spend time with his parents alone......
about the money-did you spend too much? as for paying for dinner-so she mentioned it twice-ok. maybe she forgot she already mentioned it. you seem to be looking for things to pick on.
In my family of origin whoever invites people to dinner pays. We don't ask the inlaws or anyone else for money. The only time I "let people pay" is if it is DHs birthday dinner. Even then, I offer. I just thought the whole money thing should have been between my husband and his brother. MIL did not have to get involved.
Well if that is the case, then you can certainly see why they didn't invite you. Maybe your BIL just wanted to have a nice meal out with his parents and didn't want to talk about money with your DH.
We live ten minutes away from my in-laws. DH's sister and her family live out of state. When they're in town, we try to balance "everybody all together" time with time for them to have the parents to themselves. After all, we get to spend lots of time with DH's parents; they don't.
I think in this instance you were really pushy to call up his mother and insist on being invited to a dinner that she wasn't hosting. You put her in an embarrassing and difficult position. You also put your BIL and his family in an awkward spot.
You owe your MIL, your BIL, and your husband an apology.
But you put her involved when you called her to invite yourselves. She was making a point about expectations to pay. Because really, she invited you on a treat for them and just wanted to make sure that her son knew he should be paying his own way. She said it twice, to make a point. That's really not excessive.
If you didn't want MIL involved and you wanted the brothers to keep it between them, then why in the world wasn't the call to the brother?
That is the one part that made the least amount of sense to me, too.
I agree with a lot of posters that BIL and SIl probably just wanted to have some time alone with ILs. I wouldn't take it personally especially since they live out of town. They also may have had some other personal business to discuss.
When it comes to $$$ or something else that I think is none of my MIL's business, I just tell her "you'd have to ask your son about that."
I am late to this post but wanted to add that whoever is "hosting" the dinner, in other words, doing the inviting - it can be annoying for them when people add themselves to that list.
DH and I invited MIL out to lunch for Mother's Day. Just MIL. DH called her and did not extend the invite to anyone else. We were paying & we're on a budget. FIL and BIL came with MIL. Ok fine. Check came and who do you think paid? Yeah, DH. Now, DH wouldn't think to go to his dad & younger brother, "Ok, looks like Dad owes X and brother owes X...", that would awkward. So, he just paid the whole tab. We wanted to avoid the whole scenario, hence, why we didn't invite them.
We really would have appreciated if MIL would've came alone and FIL and BIL would've respected that we didn't extend the invite to them for a reason. Aside from the tab, DH and I wanted to celebrate with MIL on our dime, our time. Whatever DH's siblings and/or FIL was doing for MIL for M's day was on them. This was our time with her.
See where I'm going w/this? Now, you take people that live out of town and rarely see they're parents. How do you think they felt in sharing that time spent w/you two?
I can see why you might've felt left out, but calling MIL was only creating drama. There's a reason why you & DH weren't invited - probably not personal against the two of you, but BIL & SIL just wanted to keep the dinner more intimate.
In the future, I would let DH handle his family w/these things. That way, it's between siblings, not ILs and you won't be portrayed as the 'pushy' SIL or dramatic DIL.
I agree with everyone else that not only are you overreacting, but it was REALLY rude for you to call and invite yourselves to dinner. I'm pretty positive they didn't forget you existed, so if you weren't invited, it was for a reason. Same thing goes for Saturday, I highly doubt they forgot about you guys, but they probably just wanted to do stuff on their own and the "call us and we'll see about tomorrow" line was them being polite.
THIS.
Maybe he wanted 'alone time' w/ his parents.
Maybe he couldn't pay for you all!
If the person who invites pays, then getting bent out of shape because you werent invited is an INCREDIBLY jerky move!
You invited yourself--MIL made it clear that since BIL didn't invite, he wasn't paying for you. If you hadn't elbowed in to invite yourself, she wouldn't have had to address that and the boys could have handled it themselves. But since you guys weren't grown-ups about their dinner, she had to deal w/ it.
They aren't you. They aren't your sibilngs. They do things differently. There's nothing wrong w/ that.If she felt uncomfortable or that she was making decisions for BIL she could have put him on the phone.
Well, yoiu kinda forced her hand, no?
I think you should try to be glad you don't have to go sit through a dinner with them if they didn't even invite you in the first place. Why would you want to go hang out with them if they don't want you there? If you go, you may be feeling really awkward and be wondering the entire time why no one had invited you originally.
Just something to consider