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Funeral Horrors - LONG
I decided not to be a pallbearer for Mom (see thread below) but do appreciate your replies on that. I have too much else to do.
ANY LEGAL TIPS?? PLEASE!
How can we enforce a PoA that is being ignored?
Mom died in Florida on Friday morning, she is being sent back to Michigan for the funeral in Northville this Wednesday. Since the people in FL collected her, my sis who has DURABLE PoA and explicit authority over final details, has been ignored by both the Northville funeral director and the Catholic church there. Mom's estranged DH, (unfortunately still legally married) gives tons of money to the church - that's why he refused to pay for Mom's medical care, it wouldn't make a public splash.
FD called him first of course, fine. But then no one called us most of the day. Sis called mid-afternoon Friday to get times and dates as family has to make flight plans. She was told FD unavailable because she was in a meeting with the "next of kin", i.e., the wanker DH and his lying daughter. Uhhh, NO, sis is the next of kin - at least poor Mom thought she set it up that way. An hour later sis gets call from DH daughter to tell her "the plans we've made for your mother's funeral". (most of the big stuff was pre-planned).
Also I had talked to both FD & church early in week when I knew Mom was slipping, and picked up church info packet in person last Wed. Neither place called me either, both knew I live in SE MI.
Some stuff I'll get over, like the craptastic casket spray that will clash with her outfit because none of them asked if or what clothes we're sending. (The ones Mom wants!) We were told FD absolutely refuses to place 2 sprays and we "could put a few posies right in the casket next to her." Yeah, so it would look like someone swept up the florist's floor and dumped the dustpan in. We've decided if any visitors say anything about the pretty flowers we'll say "those are the guilt flowers. He refused to pay for her care though because you wouldn't see that."
FD also knew I was going to send obit for the papers. They ignored what I sent, instead published on their site and the Naples FL and N'ville paper sites the stuff DH' daughter told them, much of which is inaccurate. I am publishing (trying to, of course the paper needs FD approval) the correct one in Ann Arbor, have emailed the correct one to every friend and relative I can think of, and am printing a pretty memorial leaflet to give out.I cannot afford to publish in Detroit Freep/News.
The huge problem with the wrong obit is that DH picked a religious house for donations. Not in itself bad, but Mom wanted Hospice in FL that cared for her to get any donations, and she absolutely hated that religious place. Why? Because for most of the 35 years they were married, he spent wedding anniversaries at an annual weekend retreat at that house instead of with her. She often said if she'd suspected his plan, she would have insisted on a different wedding date. So this is a final disrespectful slap in the face to a kind, honest woman who made him a good home and was a wonderful step-grandma to his grandkids, all the while he was cheating her.
My sisters and I are furious. PoA Sis called FD to insist on a change, was told they did not honor PoA because surviving spouse rules on every detail (not totally true, I've checked MI laws). Hello, it's DURABLE PoA, so still in effect.
We had to ask about a private family viewing time, they didn't tell us. Said they give one hour. Sis contacted the step-daughter, said let's each have half-hour, which half do you want? Reply today "Dad decided it's family time, we will be there whole hour." Sis said "it's not your dad's decision, it's mine." She calls FD, is told "we won't keep anybody out, your problem, don't come if you don't want to."
Hey! it's only OUR MOTHER!!! So we don't count? And HER wishes don't count??? Even the ones in writing?
Also Mom specified no wedding ring, her nasty peesa-sh!t icheapazz DH wants one. I have folks assigned to take casket portraits, if she's wearing one I WILL find some grounds to sue FD.
Just for added fun, I have been trying to phone church since Fri afternoon with service questions, they don't work on weekends. Last I heard illness & death don't keep to a business week, so I wonder how one contacts them if emergency? I have tried every possible phone number.I am driving 40 miles tomorrow to try to get to them in person.
Yesteday DH (he's 95) phoned my 88-yr old uncle who is to be lector. I don't know just what was said, but uncle was very upset and afraid he will be prevented from doing this tribute to my Mom - uncle is very devout and this matters much to him and to us.
Our cousins and friends are behind us, but no one seems able to actually do anything to make this be Mom's memorial instead of his fiesta. I'm more angry than grief-stricken, and it's making us ill. Don't say "just let it go". I want justice and joy for my Mom, this should be her time.
Re: Funeral Horrors - LONG
The first thing you need to do is to contact a lawyer that specializes in Wills, Estates and Trusts, or perhaps even elderlaw. They will definitely let you know about ithe POA, and if you have a case against your SF, Church and FD. If you do, I highly recommend you going to a different church and Funeral Home, because there is already too much drama and BS between them, your SF and your own family.
The other thing that also struck me about your posting was this: why didn't your parents divorce because of his extramartial affairs? Because had they been divorced or legally seperated, all of this would have been a non-issue. I know this was none of my business but you brought it up, and obviously this is a really big issue with you about your SF, and his "guilt", and of course, it is completely understandable.
And if you cannot fix anything about the church or the funeral service, you and your sister can always submit another obituary or an In Memorium about your mother on your own. And you can also have a seperate Memorial service at her grave. Until her estate has been settled in full, and there is nothing left to do, I would hire an attorney to be on the safe side, because it seems like this is only the tip of the iceberg concerning your SF and his daughter.
I am really sorry you are going through this, especially when losing a parent is hard enough to deal with, but after this, you won't ever have to talk or see this guy or his family again. Hugs!
Oof, sorry, I wasn't clear. Good question about why no divorce. You're right, it would have avoided most of this crap.
He didn't cheat on her with affairs, he cheated her financially. He is a control freak, when she grew ill (he's disgustingly healthy - well, not mentally) he tried to cut her off from having people visit, made her pay all the home maintenance and utilities (it's her house, he simply refused to pay anything except food, yet he is actually very well off. Long tragic story about lack of backbone there.) Mom could never quite believe people could be that awful to her when she was so sweet to everyone, and I think she covered up a lot more than we suspected. (we all live in different states, so we missed a lot of detail.) I sure don't consider him my parent, or my stepfather. He's my mother's husband.
The big reason she didn't divorce - she's Catholic. I used to be . . . IMO organized religion has a lot to answer for.
Her estate was organized 3 years back, so we think it's OK. Of course, we thought that about the PoA until 2 days ago!
We do have both a FL attorney and a MI attorney notified of this, but since she just died Friday and new garbage pops up every couple of hours, no headway yet. Monday a.m. I am making some calls - right in between ordering flowers and trying to make the church listen to me about the service.
Ummm, did I mention that when I was crying and hysterical on the phone asking why Mom's daughters wouldn't be allowed to have any other than ordinary flowers, and yelled "Why in the name of all that is holy is this creep being allowed to take over my mother's entire funeral?", funeral director told me that if there were even any arguments she would "call the cops and have all of you thrown out even if you are blood relatives, because this is a sacred place and it should be respectful." Hellooooo, my mother just died this morning, you are treating her and me like dirt and ignoring my sister's authority, I am miserable beyond belief and you are threatening me and lecturing me about respect? And if a funeral home is a sacred place, why do you charge money for what you do? So much for "caring for the bereaved".
We can't try to change venues. The thing is -- ta-da! The "next of kin" which he is claiming to be (and is on paper so he thinks), owns the body!! So he could change, but we can't.
I'm hoping for major karma, cosmic justice, something.
Honestly, why they did or didn't divorce is absolutely irrelevant at this point. She unfortunately needs to deal with the situation at hand.
Elkay, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I know you mentioned before that your mom's DH might cause some problems. I completely agree that you should call an attorney dealing who deals with estates and PoA. I honestly don't know how much power they will have over the funeral arrangements, but when it comes time to discuss the estate, you absolutely need someone in your corner.
Again, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom passing. I will definitely be sending many T&P's your way. I hope that you and your mom's crazy DH will be able to get his act together for your sake. I know the next few days are going to be hard, but just know you've got all of our support!Serendipity3, South Beach, Miami, FL 2012
I'm just really sad for you that your mom passed away.
I didn't have time to read everything but what I can say.....from my own horrific personal experience (when my mom died in 1998).....is that you may just have to take a deep breath and let it all pass-perhaps figure out a way to honor your mother in a different way. Just don't let all the funeral chaos stop you from the grieving process. Even worse that what you are dealing with will be to carry this trauma and stretch out the resolution process/anger over many years on top of dealing with losing your mom.
First- i'm really sorry to hear about your mom and I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this drama.
I'm not 100% sure on this, but I thought power of attorney rights ended upon death. Durable just means your sister still could still act as power of attorney even if your mother became incompacitated- it doesn't extend the rights past death. Given your mother was still legally married, I'm not sure that much can be done. Her husband still has rights.
I know you said not to say "let it go", but in some ways I think that's what you have to. I'm sure the last thing your mom would have wanted was her death to cause so much drama and anger. These are not the memories you want to have. Your mom's husband sounds like an @ss. He probably is doing these things to get a reaction and by acting out, he wins.
I fully understand wanting everything to be perfect for your mom. If this funeral is going to cause so much drama, then I would skip it. You said people are behind you and your sister. Well then have your own memorial service for the same day and that way you're only surrounded with people who truely cared for your mom. As far as not having a body, the Catholic church believes your body is just a vessel. Your spirit leaves upon death. You don't need her body to celebrate her spirit.
First of all, I am very sorry for your loss and the frustration you are going through.
I do not practice in the area of law you need (estates, wills, etc), but did a little bit of quick online research to perhaps be of help. It sounds like you already have assistance of counsel, which is good. Being informed always helps.
As an initial matter, when it comes to enforceability of legal documents, the state in which they are created normally dictates their enforceability. From your post, I take it that your mother was living in Florida prior to her death. Therefore, Florida law may be controlling, and you should find this website helpful:
http://www.floridabar.org/tfb/tfbconsum.nsf/0a92a6dc28e76ae58525700a005d0d53/ab36277c4562e98885256b2f006c5ad6?opendocument
Importantly, it states the following:
RELATIONSHIP OF POWER OF ATTORNEY TO OTHER LEGAL INSTRUMENTS
What is the difference between an attorney-in-fact and an executor or personal representative?
An executor, termed a ?personal representative? in Florida, is the person who takes care of another?s estate after that person dies. An attorney-in-fact may only take care of the principal?s affairs while the principal is alive. A personal representative may be named in a person?s will and is appointed by the court to administer the estate.
***
TERMINATION OF THE POWER OF ATTORNEY
When does the attorney-in-fact?s authority under a Durable Power of Attorney terminate?
The authority of the attorney-in-fact of a Durable Power of Attorney automatically ends when one of three things happens: (1) the principal dies; (2) the principal revokes the Power of Attorney, or (3) when a court determines that the principal is totally or partially incapacitated and does not specifically provide that the Power of Attorney is to remain in force. In any of these three instances, the Durable Power of Attorney is terminated. If, after having knowledge of any of these events, a person continues to act as attorney-in-fact, he or she is acting without authority. The power to make health care decisions, however, is not terminated when a court determines that the principal is totally or partially incapacitated unless the court specifically terminates this power.
Based on this information, your sister's durable power of attorney was only effective while your motherw as alive. After her death, it was up to your mother to designate in her will who she wanted to manage her affairs. If she didn't spell out anything different in her will, then likely those duties default to her surviving spouse.
Even for Michigan, I found the following on the State Bar website:
http://www.michbar.org/elderlaw/qa_durable.cfm
Does my death affect a power of attorney?
Yes. All powers of attorney, ordinary or durable, cease when the person granting the power dies and the agent receives notice of the death.
Again, I do not practice in this area of law, so I do not know if all of this controls in your situation. You should speak with the attorneys you retained. My only hope is that, with some information, it will ease some of your frustration and help you get to a place where you can be at peace with the fact that you and your sister did all that you could for your mother in light of the situation that she left behind.
I completely agree with this advice, especially the part about how he's doing this to get a reaction out of you. His actions can only hurt you if you let them. This really, really sucks and I am so very sorry you are going through all of this. But I really think the best thing to do might be to take Renee's advice and just ignore all of your SF's immature behavior. Flipping out about flowers, obituaries, and funeral arrangements is only giving him exactly what he wants. It's not ideal, but a separate memorial service that he can't attend might be a good solution, body or no. Forget all about SF and his ridiculous games and celebrate your mother's memory the way she deserves!
Everyone, thanks for the support. some very sensible thoughts here. I'm trying to work though the anger so I can think them myself.
Today I was told by the priest I'm the bad guy because the lesson reader is someone the husband does not like, and I am not conciliatory enough!!! YO! No wonder I feel Mom is being dissed! I told him firmly that the DH can pick whomever he wants for his funeral, this is Mom's and the reader was picked because of a special place in the family. As for conciliatory, I do not know daughter's phone #, she has mine but has not used it in ten years. I don't know H's grandkids names (priest said I should have put them all in obit I published separately --- uhh, who is paying for that? They reproduce like rabbits and there must be over a dozen. What does that have to do with Mom?) Of course, they did not even get my name right, did not mention Mom's grandkids at all, only his deceased one (15 yrs ago).
Actually after that chewing out I felt somewhat better. Maybe because I am so tired, and now I know for sure the priest panders to money. Since it's impossible for me to combat that, i don't have to try. Tomorrow night is the visitation. The H & his family don't know yet how furious we are because only a few professionals have been told anything - of course they could have been unrpofessional and blabbed. Sisters & I are going because many relatives and some friends will come. We will act like H & family are invisible.
Tomorrow a.m. we have conference call with FL attorney to sort out legal paper - which we thought we'd verified 2 weeks ago. If he then told sis she would have to file something, she sure didn't remember, and most discussion has been via e-mail with cc to me and I saw nothing. Thanks very much for the legal references, it gives me something to study.
Meanwhile, the memorial leaflet I produced looks fantastic. So I feel a little better that there will be something pretty so people will read her bio and learn some of the cool things she did.