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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In law and blind husband issues! So hurt, and its kind of long
...well where to start? I guess i can start with the fact that the in laws are nightmares...they are rude and disrespectful...i am unsure why they treat me and my son this way i have always given them respect...it stems from simple things like on my wedding day his mother and sister came in to show me what they are wearing and of course i complimented them, they both turned away and walked out...mind u i was in full dress hair and makeup...a simple u too would have been nice...this is the usual evedryday attitude i get, then there are the real hurtful things (my mother, father, and brother in law live with us...) for example when all the kids were here my MIL gave all the kids a dollar for the corner store except mine...i had no money on me (my pay gets deposited into DH account) so my son didn't get to go to the store until hours later when he got home...and of course DH gave my son a dollar, plus the other kids another dollar! The most recent thing is the SIL son lied and said I said i was gonna whoop his butt, thankfully my husband was there when this all went down, and of course i did not say that,,,so my husband said he must apologize for lying....well the SIL said she will not make him and now wont let us take the kid anywhere to punish my husband (yes she uses her son to get what she wants, she is equivalent to a 15 year old mentally even tho she is 34 years old) and the worse thing is my DH falls for it...he does not put her in her place when she acts like a child, or if shes rude etc...in fact he sits there and acts as tho nothing is wrong. I asked him to not have her here until she decides to stop treating me and my child wrongly...but he cant because his parents live here...well thats not an excuse to entertain her....for example she is here now...i am up in my room because i refuse to be treated this way while he is downstairs hanging with his POS sister....he completely agrees with me when it comes to her and even his moms (whom has been better lately i think shes been hearing our arguements about this) behavior...but he does nothing to change it...all talk no action...and when i stand up and do what we discuss he only makes me look stupid by doing what they want anyway....so i lose either way....I have seen posts like this and every one says run! But i said I do (these issues did not pop up until the day of my wedding) and i take my vows seriously...does anyone have any ideas on how to fix this without running to the hills? I could give lots of examples but this post is long enough...wth do i do?
"I married the love of my life!"
Re: In law and blind husband issues! So hurt, and its kind of long
Well for one, no one here has ever said to run for the hills for issues that are petty or stupid. It is usually issues that are quite serious. So as you can imagine, it is a little insulting to those women who did leave for serious issues to say that they don't take vows sincerely.
Second, why are the ILs living with you guys at this time ?
God helps those who helps themselves.
And it also helps to have an H with gonads who will tell his parents to stick it where the sun shines not.
So you said I Do and you take your vows seriously?
Too bad your wimp of a "H" does not.
Sis -- here's the bottom line --- he is what he is right now; you will not be able to change him. It's kind of like a drunk or a drug addict: he needs to get up off his tail and help himself. Only he can have the impetus to do so.
I don't see him changing any time at all soon.
If the situation is as bad as you say it is, not healthy for you or your child. I suggest strongly you tell him "it's your family or me" -- because when you marry, YOUR SPOUSE is now your family. Not your parents or your siblings: your spouse.
And if he won't make good on being a team with you and letting them have it once and for all where there is proactive change on his side, indeed hang it up and file. This is a road leading nowhere.
this post"Unfortunately you are wrong...if you read below and read the posts where women are in the same boat as I am...this is the first suggestion...is to leave..please take the time and read other posts...it is not insulting it is fact.and to show that i am not willing to just throw in the towel should not be insulting...for the women who have left hopefully did so after they exhausted other options..sorry if you think this is insulting again i am asking for advice and gave my situation..thanks anyhow tho... "
is in reply to:
" Well for one, no one here has ever said to run for the hills for issues that are petty or stupid. It is usually issues that are quite serious. So as you can imagine, it is a little insulting to those women who did leave for serious issues to say that they don't take vows sincerely.
Second, why are the ILs living with you guys at this time ? "
This...makes your posts...difficult to read....
Please space out individual thoughts. It helps.
RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
You made my wedding day complete.
Oh really. Fixed income?
There is affordable housing for those with certain income levels. Let your ILs look into that.
And your BIL can find a second job and he can get his own place, even if he goes and lives in the YMCA or a boarding house. THere's no excuse for this bullshit.
You 2 are a couple of pushovers.
Of course i have stood up for myself...
You weren't proactive enough. You should have said it so it would stick.
The ILs need to go if they are making your life hell -- and like I said, affordable housing. Or let your FIL and MIL get a second job to be able to afford to live on their own.
It's up to them where to go. By gentlemen's agreement, they need to move out -- and take their son with them. All 3 of them can find a place of their own. It should be very affordable with 3 incomes to support the rent and utilities.
but like i said in my post, my H agrees with me but when i do say or do something about it...its :your being disrespectful to my family" or "its my sister what you want me to do" etc...
Excuse me?
YOU are HIS FAMILY.
He doesn't seem to get even that much.
BTW, is this a cultural thing you're coping with? Just curious -- of what ethnic extraction is your H?
so many excuses...i dont get it! My own mother wasnt invited to our wedding because she ran her mouth and hurt my H before she even met him....but he cant stand up for me...he doesn't see it....i don't knbow how to make him understand its so frustrating....
What you do -- IF you are serious about him getting his sh!t together:
Sit down and tell him that you are sick of his not taking your side and that right now he can choose either you OR THEM. And if it is them he chooses, there's the keys to the road; he's out the door.
And if you are not the choice, he leaves. Very simple.
If your husband actually agreed with you, he wouldn't make excuses or blame you for being disrespectful to his family. Your anger is misdirected if you're angry at your in-laws; you should be angry at your husband for allowing them to treat you poorly and for refusing to have your back and act as a unit with you.
You say you take your vows seriously. Does he? I seem to recall something about "forsaking all others" in my wedding vows. It sounds like your husband is putting others in front of you regularly.
It's more comfortable for him to upset you than it is for him to upset his family. So make it more painful for him to upset you than to upset them.
This whole thing is whack.
The OP and her H are ONE FAMILY UNIT. Period.
And indeed by NOT taking his wife's side, he has violated his wedding vows. Any clergyperson with any sense will say the same thing.
No way this could have started right on the opening gun after the minister went "I now pronounce you husband and wife" with the organ music swelling and the couple kissing their first married kiss.
Willing to bet this was already quite the little issue when they were dating and engaged.
If he gave a rat's ass about you, no way would he permit you to be at ground zero for their horrible treatment of you. He'd have taken care of this mess the second it began and he'd have made sure that it never occurred again.
You don't come first.
You never have.
And that's the point.
If you're tired of coming in last you'll make sure it hits home when you say "it's them or it's me: choose right now -- and if you choose them, you can go live with them. THis marriage is over; I will have it dissolved in a court of law."
You may qualify for an annullment. You'll have to ask your attorney.
BTW, where were you when it was decided that the 3 of them could live with you and your H? asleeep? out of town? you cast an abstaining vote??? Dude --- this wasn't done minus your knowledge -- and even then, you had the right TO SAY NO! Why didn't you say no and make it STICK?
You'll be relieved to know they're also wanting to get pregnant right away.
I love you mama... you will get through this, I promise... ?
Oh, strong...now she can take care of two little weebus ickle babies. Instead of just the one that she married.
Who owns the house or who's name is on the rental?
I have a strong suspicion that you moved into their home, where they were already living like this and you brought yourself and your son.
I bet these people feel very entitled to live in their son/brother's house, and you are just considered an interloper. And you and your DH have contributed to that impression.
The fact that you seemed like you were "not allowed" to invite your mother to your wedding says a lot about you.
Just because... it needed to be... said again...
Your DH needs to realize that it's one thing to respect your parents, and siblings, but that you and your child are his main concerns at this point. If he's choosing them over you, that's a bad thing. There are healthy parent-child relationships, but if you are put in the middle and constantly hurt over it, that's wrong.
-I was with someone for 3 years who was this way. His parents paid for everything, even got him a job at their family business, bought him a new car, new laptop, new Wii, new TV, paid his rent, paid his college tuition up front, etc, etc, etc. He was ALWAYS the focus of their attention, and they 'put up' with me more than liked me, and he let them walk all over me. (We lived with them over the summers so my fiance could work the family business, then moved back to our apartment out of town for college, so I know how it is having 'in-laws' there every single day.)
-In the end, we broke up. I couldn't handle it anymore, and from what I hear, he acts exactly the same as he always did. He has what I call 'apron string syndrome'
, if you know what I mean. His older sister is the same way, and she's 10 yrs older than him. Some families just have a dynamic like that (whether or not it's healthy), It's up to you to let your husband know how you feel, but if he's unwilling to admit there's even a problem, that could be an issue.
You need to sit down and have a long talk with him, and tell him what you're feeling,etc. He needs to know how you feel.
And yes, I think you need your own place ASAP.
You'll be relieved to know they're also wanting to get pregnant right away.
-I think we all know what that is code for : trying to fix things with a baby. I say, DO NOT bring another child into this mess. Until OP gets everything figured out, she should not get pregnant. Just my opinion.
I guarantee that OP's baby with this man would just be another tool of leverage for her MIL and FIL to use against her.
It's going to be something like this:
MIL: "Oh, but the baby should be fed like this...." , "Burped like this...." , and "I always raised my children to blah, blah, blah, and it worked just fine...."
You will be pushed aside and second guessed all the time, and be more caught in the mess than you were before. And if you do end up leaving, you'll have another child to care for yourself.
Truly wishing you the best.
Okay, OP, your post is unreadable.
If you want people to read your posts, try to post them with real punctuation, otherwise the 'wall of text' is to hard to get through and people won't be able to give you the advice you so desperately need.
(my own comments will be bold within your text.
As for the in-law drama- there is nothing that will kill a relationship quicker than living with the inlaws (or letting the inlaws live with you) early in the game. My MIL lived with SO and I for the last 6 weeks of her life. It was her dying wish to get out of the adult care facility she was in and live with SO. I was adamantly opposed to it, it was MY house, but I conceded, ONLY because I knew she had less than 6 months to live.
I just ignored her, spent most of my time in my room (because she took over my office) and waited for her to pass.