Family Matters
catmiss9
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Driving distance between a and b and back
Hi All,
How do you deal with ILs or friends who believe that it's easier or quicker for you to travel to them than for them to travel to you? DH's family lives 7 hours away and there's an expectation that we pack up our 4 year old DS and drive out for special occasions, birthdays, baptisms etc...but it's too far for them to travel for DS's events?
I'm not trying to keep score but when MIL tells me "it's so far to drive for just a birthday party" but then I get a call from her a month later "you really have to come out for S's birthday party"---what am I not getting?
Would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!
Re: Driving distance between a and b and back
"Sorry but we can't make it this time." The end.
Say that to her.
We kinda had the same problem with my DH's family. We have been out to visit them 4 times since we have been married and they came out for our wedding and for a funeral. They asked if we are going out this summer and my husband had to say no, we just couldn't make it this year. THey started to give him a hard time but his response was " Hey, you know planes fly both ways right ?"
I understand that all of his family is halfway across the country, but it would be nice if they came out to see us too.
I'd be more blunt. "It's become a pattern that our invitations to family are turned down because the distance is too far to travel to celebrate our milestones. Why, then, are we continually invited to functions in your neck of the woods?"
I have a MIL who does this - she also cancels last minute on us when we are making arrangements to head out...it's to the point that I don't truly ever plan even when we accept invitations because I know 90% of the time we won't end up going.
Seriously, if you're inviting them and they are saying no they are exercising what they feel is reasonable. You should do the same. If you feel it is reasonable to attend family functions, continue to do so. I wouldn't punish a third-party family member by withholding as a way of making a statement to MIL/FIL.
It's not really about the math, you know that. It's just an expression when declining. A polite way to say 'no, thanks' - blaming it not on you or them, just the drive/distance - a seemly perfect excuse. The reality is that they don't want to drive it. And if they were being honest they would say, "It's too far for us to drive, but it's not too far for you to drive and you should drive it often."
Which is half fine, people can set their own expectations about such things. However, other people can not set the expectations on what's best for you. Other people cannot say the distance is not too long for YOU, only you can.
For my parents, they have been the hub of all family holidays for 40 years. Visiting them, means visiting the whole family. And while they love to host, they do not love to travel. They see it as perfectly acceptable for me to travel for each and every holiday and family milestone. They block-out all reality that I have a husband with a family who wants to share time together and a toddler who is tough to pack-up and ME who wants to create my own traditions in my own home. It's so absurd its like dealing with people with brain damage. So, its been a tough road, and one I still struggle with all the time. But it boils doen to ME accepting and rejecting offers based upon what I want, not what I can explain or what I get get their agreement. The will always disagree with anything I decline. And they really don't prefer to visit.
For them, its boiled down to one holiday visit, each year for Easter. Sadly, a few family members have died and other have new options, so they don't feel the "need" to host everyone. And while it's nice to host a holiday, they are so inexperienced at being guests that they try to run everything from my house. So, I'm working on that, too.
You are going to have to get very clear in your head about what you will and won't do and stop discussing reasons. You have a life and balancing a 14 hour round trip is just part of it.
sounds like if they host a party and the whole family will be there it is easier for just you/dh/ds to drive there rather than the entire family going to you.
that doesn't explain how they can't drive to you for DS's parties. perhaps dh needs to have a talk with them? or just rsvp no.
I have a similar situation only it's a lot less than a 7 hour drive. We usually drive down because the rest of our family lives in the same town. It makes more sense for the 3 of us to drive down for holidays than for all of our relatives to make the drive up here.
I would just decline. I think it is nice of them to invite you even though you are out of town. Just because you are invited doesn't mean you have an obligation to go. 7 hours is a really long drive and they should understand if you decline. If they keep bugging you about it, then I would tell them that it's just too far to drive and they should understand that since it was too far for them to drive for *insert occasion here*.
I think it really depends on the individual situations in each family's life.
My sister and her husband and kids live about seven hours from us. DH and I are childless and my dad (who lives abroad) is coming to see sister/BIL at the end of next month. He's going to be staying with them and asked DH and me to come down and join them so he can see us as well (not sure if was thinking of flying up to see us but this just makes more sense for all of us in terms of family time). Yes, it's a long drive, but we're going to go. We can, after all - we just have to ask for a day or two off work, get MIL to take care of the kitties, and we're hitting the road.
But you have a son. You have other commitments, and to me, it sounds like it's not so much about the practicalities as it is about the expectations that the family lays on you. So just say no and alter their expectations. It seems like maybe, in the past, you've done the drive and gotten them used to your coming for family events. Change that perception by your actions. It'll take time, but they'll get the message eventually.
I think this isn't one of those tit for tat things, a family dynamic plays into it.
Two really big pieces are who moved away and where the balance of the family live. If your DH moved 7 hours away from his parents and the bulk of the family including sibs, grandparents and extended family are in that general area, then it makes sense that your immediate family would do the bulk of the traveling. This is especially true if you don't have the type of home that can host groups and they do.
The other piece is that special occasions related to your son might not feel as special to them as they do to you. Or it could be that the events to which you are invitedare more about the whole family getting together than it is about them coming alone to see you.
DHs family have really conservative views on the whole parent/child relationship. They feel that it is ALWAYS the child's duty to visit the parent, and not the other way around. They go to visit their parents, and expect their kids to always do the same. Their parents live within 15 minutes, but we are almost 3 hours away. They take so far that they won't even visit us if they are for some reason near our home.
We just ignore and go see them when we want and are able to do so. They don't accept many invitations to our place (or really any), but it's on them.