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only children
I have posted before about B potentially being an only child - some reasons I have posted/shared, and some I have not.
For those who were only children, what was your experience like? If you didn't love being an only child, what could your parents have done to make your childhood more enjoyable or "full" without siblings, even as an only - would anything have helped, short of a sibling? For those who had a good experience and look fondly on it all, what do you think made things that way?
If you have an only child, were you ever worried about it? If the decision wasn't made for you (medical, etc), what made you decide to "only" have one child? Do you have any worries about not having more children/having an only child?
I would love to hear everyone's thoughts.
Of course, B is only 14 months so I reserve the right to have another child or children. Who knows, I could be the next Mrs. Duggar! lol. For now, until we revisit the topic when B is around 2, we're planning on having an only child....
Re: only children
My parents were unable to have a 2nd child, so I'm an only. I wish I had a sibling, especially now that I am older, but there are benefits to being an "only"-attention, lots of travel, one child to pay for (possibly more opportunities for the kid). But I hated that all of the "pressure" was on me all the time- for my family it was their one shot, so I felt I was expected to do moe than most of my friends, especially in high school. There was a lot of pressure on me as I got older and I often think my parents had some unreallistic expectations-mostly athletic, academic, social and work reated while I was in HS.
As an only, I wish my parents had relaxed a little in trying to get all of their expectations filled by one kid and let me invest my time in what I loved and excelled at. Meh, there's all kinds of pro's and con's for being an only, and I could go on forever....But I think the big thing is making sure you allow your child to be him/herself and force them into every activity/social position/club/etc.. that you woud like to see your kids do. It's just one kid and they can only do so much.
The biggest downfall for me (well, I guess there are several!)...hmmm...where to start.
No "built-in friends" at school, even if you don't get along all the time with your sibling(s) they are there to support you when you really need it.
I was the only one to do chores around the house. I usually took out the trash, did dishes, my laundry and mowed the yard from the time I was 10 or 12 I think. A sibling would have helped lighten the load
Now, I notice some of my traits that probably stem from being an only child: I don't share well (very open about this one!) and I don't always see the benefit of compromise. Some of this may have been made better if my mom exposed me to group activities (sports, etc) a little sooner than she did, who knows.
On the flip side, I had a horse and was able to participate frequently in spendy riding lessons and horse shows. This may or may not have been possible with a sibling. We did travel a fair bit, but mostly by car, so not sure if another body would have hindered those plans.
I have a friend who was an only child - he LOVED it that way and will only have one child himeself. She's almost 5 and he's already been snipped. He does not commiserate one iota with me
To each their own. It's a decision only you guys can make and wither way B (or B & sibling(s)) will be just fine!
Are you only looking for responses from only children or people with only children? I'll throw in my opinion anyway.
We have an 8 year old nephew that's an only child. His dad is an only child, so even though my SIL wanted more, they just have B. I think his dad is a selfish, AW, stereo-typical only child. However, B is an amazing kid. Polite, funny, smart, well-adjusted, etc. I thought for sure he would be a brat, but nope. He might be a little clingy with his parents, but he'll out-grow that.
However, given that his dad has no siblings, his only cousins/family is us. And unfortunately, we aren't that close with my SIL and BIL. We see each other on holidays and family events, but add in the age difference, and I just don't know that he'll be that close with our boys as they grow up. That makes me really sad for B. He has a great network of family friends, but what if we go to my side of the family for something? Or move away? He's all alone.
I know blood doesn't define family, and I'm sure your B will grow up happy and loved and wonderful regardless of if she has a sibling. I know you have an amazing network of friends. I'm sure she'll have that too. Regarding Only Child Syndrome (as I call it), I have several only child friends, and while a few are a little screwy, most of them are well-adjusted and love their life just the way it is.
Every only child I know is happy and well-adjusted, I will start with that.
One thing I always consider for an only child: when his/her parents die, they have no one close in age to share that with, to grieve, plan, laugh, remember, etc. It's way down the line in a lifetime, true, but it's there. My cousin is married to an only child, and his dad died a long time ago. For a long while it's been only him and his mom. Puts a lot of pressure on him to be her only support. Plus, when she passes, he'll have no immediate family.
I read a quote once about how your siblings are witnesses to your childhood. In ways that your friends or parents are not. As adults, one of the favorite passtimes my brother and I share is making fun of our parents, good-naturedly of course. No one knows me like he does.
I can reply as someone who one year ago was deciding if we wanted another kiddo or not. I think both of us would have been fine/happy with only one child, but ultimatly we decided that there is a big burden these days for kids to take care of ageing parents, and we didn't want that to fall on an only child. We wanted DD to have someone to talk to when difficult decisions come up later in life. Of course, they may end up hating each other/never talking, but if they are close like my siblings, it will be worth it.
Having a second child changes the way we spend our money (significantly lower retirement savings while two are in daycare), it means we may need new vehicles, won't have time to do as many activities with each child, ect. BUT... as scared as I was about having two kids, it is so much easier than I had envisioned it. I was almost depressed when I was pg, because I thought DD would never get our attention again. You find a balance and you cant imagine life before two kids. That said, I would never judge anyone for having just one, since we almost made that choice ourselves.
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I am an only child, and as a kid it never really bothered me. I was super close with my cousins, though, so they were like my siblings growing up. Even though my parents weren't wealthy by any means, I was able to attend private school and have other "extras" that I'm sure would not have happened if I had siblings.
Now as an adult, I HATE being an only child. I also married an only child so that's a double whammy. When my husband and I got married, it was so difficult to choose a wedding party because we didn't have anyone "built in". It was also extremely hard to choose godparents for our children. Also, my kids will never have cousins/aunts/uncles, but that's because I married an only child. I hate that our family will always be very small after our parents are all gone.
I worry a lot about our parents as they get older. There is so much financial and emotional pressure on my husband and I because we are all our parents have. This is also magnified by the fact that both of our moms are divorced and never got remarried. Our dads both have new wives so that helps. Thinking about my husband and I being the only ones to have to make those tough decisions that my mom and her siblings are currently having to make regarding my grandparents' health/driving ability/assets,etc. scares me a lot. I worry so much about these things the older our parents get.
Because of my experiences I've always been an advocate of people having more than one child, but I also know and understand that every family is different. I also think it's a decision that only you and your DH can make, and you will make the right decision for your family.
HEY!
He's one of the ones to give us only kids a bad name
Not an only child, and obviously we have more then one kid, but I'm throwing my two cents out there!
When DH and I got married, even though he already had the three boys, I was pretty adament that we would have kids, plural. For purely selfish reason, I wanted to have my 'own' kid, and I couldn't bare the though of only having one because if something ever happened to him/her I wouldn't be a mom anymore in my eyes. Plus, growing up with a sister, I couldn't imagine not having a sibling for my kids. Also, the thought of just that one child having to carry all the burden of us getting older and possibly having to take care of us (or at least me) on their own. I would assume the older boys would be there for DH, but that didn't guarentee they would be there for me when I was older and I didn't want to have all that put on one person.
I sort of consider my brother an only child, as he is my dad and stepmom's only child, and much younger then my sister and myself. He's perfectly normal, very smart, well adjusted. But he also got way more then we did. A negative for my sister and I, but a plus for the only child argument I guess: he had college paid for by my parents, was sent to expensive camps and played for expensive sports teams, got to go on all kinds of "family" vacations (without my sister or I), had cars, never had to have a job, sent all over the place to visit friends for the summer, etc. I could go on and on...he was an only child to them and they were able to give him all those things.
S--I really think you guys just need to go with what works for you and not worry about it. Honestly! There are thousands upon thousands of kids who are only children and they are great! I have many friends who are only kids and they do have great lives, families, etc. (little selfish at times but aren't we all). Everyone comments on how a sibling would make things better but I can throw in the opposite. What if that sibling doesn't go to the same school (special needs, age difference etc.), what if something happens to the sibling, they may not be there to help you care for the parents, etc. maybe the two just don't get along well. I could expand this list but I think you get my point. A sibling doesn't always make life great. My brother and I are 3 years apart and fought like crazy growing up and still fight occasionally when we are together. We have different personalities and that's that.
I guess from my perspective of possibly having an only child (not by choice), I am not currently looking at it as what will Lyra miss out on/how bad will life be....more so for my own personal selfish reasons of wanting to experience pg again. I mean the odds are high that Lyra will be an only child but I think she will lead a very enriched life, we have lots of friends with kids and I have always viewed that they would be like her siblings (she just gets to go home when they start getting annoying), she won't have any cousins close in age or living near by so that does not come into play for us but I never had that growing up so I guess it's not a big deal to me.
I know you aren't sharing all your why's but I think B will be fine either way.
I'm not technically an only child---I have three older, half brothers (different dad for one, different mom for two) but I have never lived with them and I am the youngest by far. We have no real relationship.
On that note.....
Growing up in an only child like situation, I always wanted siblings, someone to talking, hang out with, etc. I did get the 5 dance classes a year I wanted to take, the dance convention trips, the road races states away, etc because my parents could do that....but, as an adult, I wish I had that connection with a sibling so our kids can grow up together, so my kids have cousins, etc. I think about it a lot more now than I did as a kid too.
Those feelings are probably why we will soon have four kids. I wanted our kids close in age and to have more than one so they could grow up together, hopefully be close and raise families--spend holidays together, etc when J and I are no longer around. I crave that family feeling and the relationship that J has with his brother (14 months older) and I know that is why I wanted a big family. Are we able to give the girls 5 dance classes a year (OMG, I didn't realize how much that was...sorry mom
) and trips all over? No...but I have a kid with a passport that is more full than the average American, girls who appreciate nature, respect people, and love their family and I think we did ok so far.
It's what feels best to you. You guys have great families and B will not grow up lacking any of the things that I felt I lacked. Whatever you decide, you have a lucky little girl who will grow up so loved and with so much to offer to other people
BUT, you make cute kids so I vote for one more 
I'm sorry, Cori. I didn't mean to hit a nerve with my post.
Thanks E - you've echoed a lot of our reasons TO have an only child, which I didn't list. We do have a lot of friends, some of whom have kids right around B's age, and I would hope that she will still feel like she's part of an extended family in that sense (along with her awesome cousins who are nearby) - even if none of them will be helping her make decisions about whether to put Mom & Dad in the old folks' home
And I guess we don't have to decide right now, and are lucky to potentially even be able to make the decision on our own.
SL - you will do whats right for you guys.
Just settle in for a year, and go where your gut instinct is leading you. How do you envision your life and family? Just B? Do you see you holding B's hand, and dh holding brother/sisters hand?
Its not set in stone (unless your dh gets fixed) and there is always the adoption route (although equally as huge of a struggle) if you just can NOT see yourself being pg again.
Just be honest with yourself. Is it being pg again that is repulsive? Is it the money? Is it the convienence of just having one?
Can you live your life with no regrets based on the decision that you want to make?
(I always knew I wanted Owen to have a sibling - its just how I pictured my life. But two kids is enough, and I am 10000% sure I will NOT have another child ever again. I just dont have it in me - I know mentally, financially, physically, I cant do it again - and I am confident of my decision, and I know I will not regret it)
Duplicate
I am an only. It was great when I was little, I didn't feel as if I was missing anything. It got really hard when my dad became terminally ill my sophomore year in college. I really wished that I would have had siblings to help carry that burden as well as take care of my mom then and now. Not that you want to have to think of anything of stuff like this but its my experience. I think being an only is much more difficult as an adult.
My parents tried for nearly 7 years to have children. I'm adopted (as you know) and they were unable to financially have more children. They regret it. I remember them talking about it when I was around 10 or so. They wished they'd always adopted another child but they couldn't afford it. I'm pretty sure that my grandparents helped them out b/c they were very very poor.
Anyway, growing up being an only child didn't bother me. I never lacked for attention or anything. We went on vacations with family friends with kids my age and I was very close to my cousins (even though they were much older). My parents were able to pay for my college and first car. The expectations they had of me were a bit much. My dad expected me to be an athlete and never ever give up. Sports are just not my thing. They both expected me to do well in school and pushed that. Thankfully school came easy for me!
Now that I'm grown I absolutely hate not having a sibling. I just imagine how lonely I'll be once my parents are gone. Granted, I'll have Dh but there will be no brother or sister to lean on. I'm not all that close with my cousins anymore, we've all moved on and started families. I also think my shyness, introverted personality is a direct result. I feel like I missed a lot by not having someone "built in." Someone to confide in, someone to always be there.
I love the relationship that DH and SIL have. They are super close and will always be there for each other. DH was ok with only having Evan but I told him that another child was non-negotiable.
love is for every her, love is for every him, love is for everyone
During our conversations we decided that if Owen were to choose to not marry and/or have his own family, where would he be for Christmas? Who would call him on his birthday? For a while I only wanted 1 kid but then I felt like after we were gone he'd be "abandoned."
I think a lot of great points have already been made on both sides. This is really just going to have to be whatever you and your husband decide. If nothing else, I know she has some cousins. :-)
I am in a similar situation- they are my dad's from his first marriage- although I have a relationship with my half siblings. I am much younger than them and grew up in a different household though.
Thus, except for holidays and an occasional visit, I grew up as an only child as my mom was unable to have more children.
I was always jealous of my friends who had siblings growing up. Our neighbors had 6 kids and I always thought it was cool that there was always someone to play with. As an adult, I sometimes wish I had more of support system with my parents... my mom has some health issues and I worry about how I will deal with this as it progresses. It would be nice to have someone to share this with.
I will say, I have a super close relationship with my parents, especially my mom. My BFF is also an only child and also has a super close relationship with her mom. I am also awesome at entertaining myself
My parents were able to be at all of my events through school and were very involved in everything I did. This is one thing I worry about with having as many kids as we have/ want- there are only 2 of us and we won't be able to be at everything. This makes me sad.
I don't chime in much, but here's my 2 cents FWIW. Lots of great points made so I won't repeat. My FIL was an only child. I watched him dying from cancer at 66 and trying to take care of his own elderly parents. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Thanks everyone - regarding the "who will be there to help me out with my parents" stuff, I just don't feel like that sways me much. Siblings can be totally different, one can be completely uninvolved in the family's life, leaving one sibling holding all of the responsibility anyway. I guess I've just seen too much how the ideal is not necessarily the case, even if the siblings were BFFs growing up or whatever.
It's more the idea of having the comraderie of having someone who went through much of the same life experiences - although, I guess the same argument as above would apply.
At least I have the luxury of time and the ability to decide this for ourselves, I guess!
I am not an only child, however my sisters and I are all 5 years apart. Growing up I hated it. I wanted a friend to play with. I wanted someone to have a sleepover with. i wanted someone to throw the ball with. I was 5 when my sister was born and 10 when my next sister was born. Because of my childhood I wanted more than one and I wanted them close together. I am blessed with what I have. I prayed for twins actually.
Now as an adult my youngest sister and I are SUPER close. If I did not have that I would be so disappointed.
My H has brothers but they are 9 and 10 yrs younger than him. I see the bond they share and it's sad that my H did not get that. His mom had trouble getting pg the second time around.
Of course no matter what you choose your child will be just fine, but IMO if you can have more than one do it.
As many others have said, I miss not having a [close] sibling even moreso, now. (I do have a half-sister and half-brother, 13 and 14 years younger than me, respectively, but it's not even close to the same; it's like I'm a distant aunt or something. We aren't close, but I hope this changes once they reach adulthood.)
I will also admit that I don't understand the closeness that comes with a sibling. Sometimes, H's bros will do something completely idiotic and I think, "How does H continue to think of the world of these FOOLS?!"
But, I realize I just don't understand "that" love nor will I probably ever do so. That makes me sad.
I do get overwhelmed with H's humongous family; I would MUCH rather be a little hermit, with my little immediate family, especially around the holidays. (This goes back, of course, to not having much family at all growing up.) And it seems like there's ALWAYS drama. Luckily, I guess, they're used to it and don't even notice, I think.
I just came around, earlier this year, to Jack having a sibling. In the end, I felt the pros to doing so simply outweighed the cons of not. My biggest "things" were having regrets NOT having another and, yes, "leaving" Jack "alone" once we are old/dead.
This is how we feel as well.
We debated for a while on whether or not A would be an only child. DH is an only, and he was fine with the decision to only have one. He said that he never felt like he missed out on anything. However, he also had a best friend that lived right next door. This friend had 2 brothers but they were a lot older than him, so he and my H were essentially like brothers. He was the best man in our wedding, and my DH will be the best man in his. They have an awesome relationship.
On the other hand, I have 3 siblings, all brothers and we are not that close. Two of my brothers are super close, and I am sometimes jealous of that. They talk to each other on the phone every other day, etc. We have just never had that bond. I don't know if it is because I am 4 & 6 years older than them or because I am the only girl.
Now that we have 2, we are struggling on whether or not to add #3 to the mix. I am SO afraid that one will be the odd on out.