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Jehovah and my FMIL
So my fianc?'s family are Jehovahs Witnesses and I'm fine with that. In the beginning of our relationship I was a little scared about it because I didn't know much about it but I tried my best to keep an open mind about it so I wouldn't judge. My FI says he is not interested in being apart of the religion but since his family is so heavily into it he has a respect for it. An issue we have been having is bridging the gap between me and his family since he is pretty much an adoptive son to my mom and my family is in love with him. The biggest gap is between me and his mother. There have been at least 3 times recently that we have tried to get together with his mom so that we can sit down and she can really get to know me outside of the surface things like where I attend school, my name, and how old I am. She has dodged every instance. The first 2 times I was understanding but the last time she just flat out said no and gave no interest in rescheduling for a later date. I let it go for a while but after my family (mom and sister) came to visit me and the entire trip my FI hung out with us and really solidified the bond that he has with my family. It was refreshing but weird because I don't have the same bond or anything close with his immediate family. His dad loves me (he is not a JW) but my FI is not that close with his father.
After my families visit it really stuck to my heart why my FI mother was obviously not interested in going out in a personal setting and getting to know the person her son wanted to marry. Initially I ruled out the religion as a reason because according to my FI his mom was really into but she did not let if affect her with people. I really trusted what he said to me about his family and their religion since I was on the outside and he was the best person to know. But as time has gone on and it really is started to dig on me why she is so uninterested I had to do some research of my own. I looked online and searched around for some of the beliefs and customs of JWs. One thing that stood out was that some are taught that they should not associate with people who are not of the same faith because they are agents of the Devil (not making this up it is strictly what I read on multiple websites and even the official website) and should be avoided. That really hurt my feelings because I don't think that because a person is of a different religion they are evil. And it hurt because I was open to accepting them despite my initial feelings about their religion but got over it because I don't believe that totally defines a person. But to find out that was a strong possible reason his mom was not interested in getting to know me did not make me feel good.
My thoughts were affirmed when I asked my FI and he stated he felt the reason she was on interested in because of what people at "the Temple" are telling her and her feelings of wanting her children to be apart of the faith along with their spouses and if that is not the case she wants to support them from a distance. It was honestly like a ton of bricks hitting me. He tried to dress it up and say how cool and nice his mom is and has made the suggestion that the best way for me to get to know his mom is scratch the idea of going out and getting to know her one on one outside of the home but that I needed to come sit around their home and kinda force myself on her in private.
I honestly am open for it but also a little unhappy about it. But if it is the only way to bridge the gap I'm open to do if for my FI. I am just scared that on the inside my feelings about the whole ordeal will have me jaded when meeting his mom. I guess I just can't understand why a person would be that closed or devoted to not want to take a active role in getting to know the person their son is pledging to marry publicly. Any thoughts or suggestions?
Re: Jehovah and my FMIL
First of all, paragraphs.
Second, stop trying to force a relationship with somebody who clearly doesn't want one. There's no law that says you and your FMIL need to be BFFs.
#1 Be glad she isnt trying to break you guys up since you arent the same religion as her.
#2 Be glad you dont have the opposite problem in a MIL, one who is all up in your business and trying to involve herself in every detail of your H's life.
Honestly, things could be much worse. Sure it sucks you wont ever have a great relationship, but it sure beats a really bad relationship. So many women deal with MIL's that actively try to cause problems and it doesn't seem she tries that. My MIL used to be psycho crazy to my H trying to tell him what to do in every aspect in our relationship and once she realized she couldnt, she now just ignores us for the most part and it's a huge relief she just leaves us the he!! alone!!!
Be kind, respectful and polite when you do see her but do not make an issue of this. You can express to your H that you wish she'd be more open and will be willing to form a relationship if she ever wants and you will just respect her wishes in the meantime. Do not pressure/nag him over this though.
I am sorry that you do not have a good relationship, if any, with MIL, but do you really need to?
I know it would be great if she could be like second mother to you like yours is to your H. But it doesn't work like that most of the time.
I think you should just back away and wait until she either comes to her sences and wants to meet with you and get to know you. Other then that I think this is her lose not yours as you have made attempts to talk to her and she isn't willing to meet you, this is not your fault.
I can totally see someone devoted to their faith, particularly one in which they raised their children, to be shook when that child walks away or rejects it. I can see where their hope might be that that child returns to the faith they were raised in. That hope is diminished when the child then chooses for themselves a spouse outside the faith. I think a pang would again develop once children arrive.
I think it is going to take a certain amount of patience on your part if that is the case. I also think that you have to be a little realistic that despite the faith issue, not all daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws will have the relationship you see building between your fellow and your parents. That's the ideal, I understand...but it is a burden you needlessly put on yourself and your future MIL.
I'm assuming that your FFIL is not any longer with the FMIL since he's not JW and is cool as far as relationships and getting to know you are. Since your FI said his mother did not allow faith to interrupt relationships with other people, that you are way over reacting with placing "non JW = evil" with her mindset. It isn't that at all given anything you've shared. I go back to the opening paragraph. She's more invested in her son than she is a neighbor or the grocer or the occasional person sitting next to her on the bus. She was fine with other people, presumably she was or is awakening to applying/contemplating her faith differently than she has had to in the past. And, she's apparently receiving some form of counseling from friends/clergy within the church.
Consider if this is something you can handle successfully and unbitterly as a married woman. Also consider if this is something you can handle successfully and unbitterly as a mother to your future children who may or may not hear grandma's religious beliefs. If the answer is a confident yes, then you remain pleasant to her when you are at her home, be warm and not withdrawn, and enjoy the relationship that your FI is building with your family. Typically there is one IL family that is stronger than the other as far as "family" feelings go, it looks like it will be your own family at least in the short term.
He tried to dress it up and say how cool and nice his mom is and has made the suggestion that the best way for me to get to know his mom is scratch the idea of going out and getting to know her one on one outside of the home but that I needed to come sit around their home and kinda force myself on her in private.
Nothing personal, but your FI has no clue what he's talking about. If your MIL is keeping her distance because you are not JW, that's her prerogative and her decision. Do not chase after her, do not try and force a relationship with her. Be polite and cordial and like others have already mentioned, be grateful she isn't interfering.
Embrace your family and your relationship with them, they give you the emotional support you seem to enjoy, aren't they enough? You don't really need your MIL's emotional affections, right? Stop focusing on how you feel about it or the expectation that you are entitled to it. You're not. In-law's don't have to emotional support the partners their children marry. It's great when they do, however, I don't think it's that important to a marriage.
Maybe I'm not very family oriented, but I don't have a lot of interaction with extended family, and it doesn't bother me a bit. My husband and I are just fine.
I am wondering if what's happening is more or less a religion thing --- JHs tend to keep unto themselves and they're not into outsiders.
I can understand how you feel: this is your FMIL yet she does not know you intimately and doesn't seem to even want to make the effort.
One thing that stood out was that some are taught that they should not associate with people who are not of the same faith because they are agents of the Devil (not making this up it is strictly what I read on multiple websites and even the official website) and should be avoided.
I dislike this type of "religious belief" intensely. Last I heard, God and Jesus were welcoming of all people, all backgrounds, all religions. Agents of the devil? This is the stuff of people that run the religion, not God. And things like these are what gives organized religion a bad name. I personally think it's terrible and just bsc. And it is NOT divinely inspired, not by any means.
This is where things get sticky for you and your FI. Wow -- what happens when kids come along? How is she planning on handling that? and how are you and he planning on coping with what your MIL does when it comes to you 2 having kids and the child is not of the same religion as she is...and how her beliefs and what she's been told by the *elders* comes into play?
What I suggest:
That the 2 of you meet with your clergyperson(s) in regard to what's happening with your MIL and her religious beliefs. This is now a religious issue, even though the religious issue is not between you and your FI per se.
I chortled.
Your FI has a great relationship with your mom, so you have to have one with his?
And since you don't, you're searching the internet for a reason why she doesn't like you?
I think she's just not that into you. Oh well, your FI doesn't seem to be conserned. You made an effort, just enjoy your nice friendly family and stop chasing after her. Next, you're going to be bitter that all of your effort went to waste. And bitter is not a place you want to be and it will be all your fault, not hers. Even though you'll want to blame her for being cold and distance, it will be your fault for reacting her with bitterness.
Afterall, if she really means that much to you, you could convert to JW.
I think you need to put aside the feelings you developed because of your internet search. If your FI's mother has not done anything specifically to you, you should follow your FI's lead and meet her in her home, then move on and not make a problem where there is none.
His mother does not want to interact with you and a major part of it is her religion. Her beliefs include secluding herself from 'non-believers' and the fact that she is not trying to convert you or come between you is actually a huge positive for you.
My H was raised JW and my MIL was pleasant and friendly to me in the beginning, however once it became clear that we were getting married, H was not coming back to the religion, and I was not converting she became vile and cruel. Every conversation with H was focused on getting him away from me and "reminding" him of what he was taught as JW. She wanted to set up my -then FI- with a girl from her congregation.
In the end my MIL and two of my SIL's did not attend our wedding and we have not spoken to her in months because she would not back off. It sounds like you are not having these problems, so don't create them. Do not push her into interacting with you. Be happy that your FI gets along with your family so well and leave it alone.