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Would this make you uncomfortable?
My husband and I celebrated our fifth year anniversary a couple of months ago. Even after all this time, I'm still not 100% comfortable with his parents. MIL tends to be on the judgemental and critical side....based on this, some family members (I've noticed) keep their distance. My husband also tends to be a bit critical and judgemental and I have talked to him about this. His family can do no wrong, while my family gets shredded to pieces.
Aside from that, we (DH, me, 9 and 4 yr old) went on a long overdue vacation to DisneyWorld a couple of weeks ago. We decided to leave the baby, 9 months, with MIL. We knew it would be no fun bringing the baby along because everything would revolve around her schedule. Needless to say, MIL spent 6 days in our home watching the baby.
MIL is very competent and not one to just sit around. I have no doubt that the baby was well taken care of. However, when we got back, I noticed she had been in our bedroom. We have a large master closet and she spent a good amount of time in there. How do I know? Let's just say that everything my husband owns was ironed, including jeans.....as well as clothes he has not worn in ages and has no plans to wear ever again. Some of my stuff was also ironed (maybe a couple of blouses).
Having three kids and a husband who works night and sleeps days makes it very difficult for our room to be as neat and tidy as I would like it to be. It's not dirty by any stretch, but on any given day, there's stuff on the floor or on a chair or clothes lying on the closet floor. In fact, I had a ton of maternity clothes that I had in a pile....a big pile, on the closet floor. I was in the process of sorting through them but didn't get to finish because of our trip.
My problem is with her being in our closet in the first place. I also feel that she may have looked through our drawers. We don't have anything illegal to hide, but come on....drawers and closets are private, personal spaces, in my opinion. She also made reference (because our oldest who is 9, DH adopted her when we got married) to getting her cluttered, messy ways from me (in a half way joking and serious tone). I just feel uncomfortable because she is nosy and judgemental and I feel like she invaded my personal space. Am I overreacting? I guess I just couldn't seen myself organizing someone's closets while I was babysitting or housesitting.
Re: Would this make you uncomfortable?
My MIL did this to my husband when we were still dating and he was living at home. It was our first vacation together and when we had gotten home, he found that his entire closet had been reversed. He wasn't happy.
We have an O2 tank in the house for DH and once a month, as they're retired and we work, one of them comes over and lets the oxygen guy in the house. They now have it worked out that the driver gives them a heads up about 20 minutes before he's due to arrive, but they used to spend the entire four-hour window in our apartment, where MIL would attack the kitchen. That ALONE made me uncomfortable! So no, I don't think you're out of line for feeling uncomfortable. How does your H feel? Does he agree?
RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
You made my wedding day complete.
Yes, this would make me uncomfortable.
I'm more concerned about this. Could you elaborate?
Something like that would also bother me. If it were my own older grandmother or even his grandmother, I know that it would be purely out of being bored. But I know if his mother did something like this that it as to be nosey.
It sounds like you met my most recent ex - his family could do no wrong and all of my reactions or responses to anything they did were also wrong.
You have some major issues, one is your MIL thinks it is okay to ridicule your daughter and you (doubt she was joking, it was to make her appear less of a ***). Do not let her have access to your home when you are not there, she has shown she doesn't have boundaries regarding personal space.
But, your biggest problem in life is your DH and how he grew up thinking it is okay to be judgmental and critical. This can not be a good thing when trying to bring up children. Your focus and primary goal is to get him to see what a long term negative impact this has on the family. This is not an aside from that problem, it is huge! Why is he allowed to shred your family to pieces? Frankly, it sounds like the apple does not fall far from the tree. I'd keep the tree far away and as much as possible. The rest of the family wised up.
Yes, it would make me very uncomfortable.
We occasionally ask MIL to watch our cats while we're away, and to my knowledge, she's never overstepped or gone into parts of our house that she's not had any business in. If she did, though, and I had proof of it, I'd bring it up with my H and either he and I, or he alone, would talk to her. DH understands that I have pretty tight boundaries and want my stuff to be left alone (it took him a while, but he gets it, and respects it, now) and although he's super-easy going and laid back (it wouldn't bother him, I don't think, if his mother did his laundry or re-organized his closet, but like I said, I really don't think she would), he understand that I'm not, and he backs me up on things like that.
But like I said, for me it wouldn't be an issue 'cause I highly doubt my MIL would do anything like that. If she did, though, I'm sure I'd be as upset as you likely are.
As others have said, this:
is what concerns me more than the laundry/closet thing. This isn't healthy for a marriage, nor for a child-raising environment, and needs to be discussed and sorted out.
Yes, it would. To put a finger on why freshly ironed clothing would irritate me:
1- I did not want nor give permission for my MIL to go through my personal property. I would feel mildly violated.
2- After taking that liberty, I would not want her judging our clothing as lacking proper ironing. I would feel judged.
3- And since it was a favor that left me better than she found me it puts me in the position of having to thank her for something I resent her doing. I would feel manipulated.
What would I do? I really resent when these things go unspoken. Oddly, I get a sense of satisfaction by exposing the "kind" deed with a thank you. It gives me a sense of power to call them out but wrapped in a polite way. I'd send a thank you card with $25 gift certificate to her local dry cleaners.
While it would make me uncomfortable- I KNOW this is something my MIL would do. Therefore, I would never allow her to stay in my home while I'm not there. Ever. I doubt even if your H were supportive of you, and told her to stay out, she would have listened. You should have dropped the baby off with her or found an alternative.
Your bigger problem is that your H isnt supportive of your MIL's ridicule to you and your DD. And the fact that he does it. I feel bad for your DD and hope you put an end to this behavior for her sake.
Thanks for all the responses, just getting around to reading them now after a long day. I'll try to answer some of your questions to shed some more light on the situation.
First of all, the only reason we had MIL stay at our house instead of taking the baby to hers, is that we wanted the baby to be in her familiar surrounding while we were away. She slept in her own crib, had her toys and gadgets in her own place.
I told DH how awful I felt about this. The first thing I noticed was our kitchen drawers...totally rearranged. Not that big of a deal since all we had there was receipts, coupons, pens/pencils, scissors, etc. DH went upstairs and said that his mom had been in our closet. I seriously told him he was lying. He said for me to go upstairs and take a look. I felt my heart drop to my feet. Again, I wanted to think that she had time on her hands and wanted to do something to help out while the baby napped but like someone said above, I felt mildly violated. I did by the way, thank her and I honestly shared that I was embarrassed that she saw OUR mess. But more than a week later, I still feel awful about the whole thing. It's like someone has all of this information about you that they shouldn't. When I mention it to DH, he usually responds "Are we still talking about this?" Yet, if we turned the tables and it was my mom, he would have been really upset. Not that we have anything to hide, but what if we did. And it doesn't necessarily have to be something illegal.
you: Hell yes we are going to talk about it until you get that your Mother violated my trust of staying in our home!
He has grew up with this woman, so he thinks it is normal and acceptable. He should be aware you were not brought up to think a person going through your personal stuff is okay.
Sorry, but he sounds like a jackhole. I'm still annoyed he/you allow your DD to be a target for this woman. Does he criticize all the children, too?MIL would not be allowed in my house unsupervised again. And DH would be having a serious talk with her about boundaries. If he balked at that, then I'd be having a serious talk with him about boundaries.
You left her alone in your house for six days. I would have been surprised if she didn't go through all your stuff.
Frankly, I'd be more concerned with your husband's attitude.
Everyone's concerns confirms why I AM concerned. Not looking for a approval, but I think across the board, everyone believes a boundary was crossed. I think my husband knows it, too. He just doesn't want to rehash is because it was HIS mother.
I brought it up again this morning. What if we had whips and chains, porn, sex toys, lingerie, secret mail order stuff? None of which we have, by the way. But if we did, our closet is where we would have it. I do have a box with cards and little love notes my husband has given me over the years. I have a journal/diary with my Bible on my bedside table....GOSH, hopefully she didn't go through THAT!
The interesting thing is that I had her specifically staying in my oldest daughter's room which has a queen bed. I changed the linens and it is the closest room to the nursery. She did sleep there but apparently she felt there was no part of the house that was off limits.
I know I need to move on. I wish I could scream and let her know how bothered I am, but, I must remember that she is NOT my mom and this would not be good for our relationship going forward. At the very least, now I have something to retaliate with if my husband says anything about MY mom.
This exactly! I would never allow someone to stay in my house for that long and take care of my child if I had "off limits" areas of my home. I would expect that 6 days would mean she was welcome to be in and use anything in the house. And while you might feel judged by it, I would be thankful that she ironed and organized.
I feel like there's a push to immediately demonize every MIL for every random act. Did you ever think that maybe she was just bored and thought to herself, "Maybe I should do something helpful." Ironing is something most people never get to, not just you guys.
My mom is the same way. She can't stand in a kitchen without wiping down a counter. It's just not who she is. I let it go. It's not judgment, it's just idle hands.
Ditto.
I'd be upset if either my mom or my MIL went through my closet to do the ironing, and ironing is hands-down my least favorite household chore. I don't think you're out of order to feel like your privacy was invaded.
It does seem, though, that you're avoiding the bigger issue here: you and your DH are not on the same page about how to handle your extended families. I would not be okay with my parents or my in-laws making snide remarks about me and DEFINITELY not about one of my children. Did nobody call her out on that, even if only to ask "Why would you say something like that?" It's also not okay that your DH can criticize your family up one side and down the other but you can't even venture a critical remark. And the fact that you're looking at this incident as ammunition in that argument says that it's long-term and deep-seated.
Joking, of course...if only we all had the balls to do something like that.
this. but i also agree with the pp that you left her in your house so it's no surprise that she went through your things. she didnt even try to hide it- prob b/c she thought she was helping.
you need to address with your dh about how inlaws are treated. yours shouldnt be any different than his.
Would I expect most MIL's to do what she did when left alone in your house? Probably. It doesn't make it right, though, and I'd be irritated too. Next time you need her to watch your child, could she do so at her own house?
I would also be concerned about your husband's attitude, more so than the ironing situation.