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Part 2: Would this irritate you?
A little background:
DH's cousin and his wife just had their second child a month or so ago. Their 3 year old is a little girl and they just had a boy. They're very nice and only live about 15 minutes away, but we've only seen them about once in three years. The cousin's mother (DH's aunt) is the sister of my MIL. She's actually a really nice person and even though her and MIL are close, I think she realizes that MIL is a bit nuts.
So in "Part 1" I explained that MIL doesn't include me in any of her emails for some unknown reason. A week or so ago I see a comment that DH had made on the cousin's FB page about "hopefully seeing them on the 20th". I had no idea what this was in regards to and asked DH if he had made plans with them. He asked the usual "Didn't you see my Mom's email?" to which I responded "You know she doesn't send me anything."
Apparently MIL wrote DH and said that the Aunt was throwing a Mini Baby Shower/Meet-n-Greet for cousin's wife. I immediately gave this entire situation the side eye and thought the following:
1. Umm. The baby is already born, so I find a "shower" of any type a bit strange.
2. This is their second child, and I'm sorry but I find 2nd baby showers tacky. The only situation where I think they're acceptable is if the mother maybe has a child from a previous relationship and is now having a baby with a man whose family wants to give the mother a shower. Hopefully that doesn't offend anyone that had a second shower for whatever reason, it's just my take on it.
3. Maybe I'm super old fashioned in this regard, but if this is a "shower" of any sort, could I at least receive an actual invitation and not a flippin' second hand email invite?
4. Scratch second hand, I'm actually hearing about this THIRD hand because I had to hear about it all from DH.
Would this situation kinda' make you scratch your head too, or am I being an overly hormonal bitchy pregnant woman?
Re: Part 2: Would this irritate you?
Id be annoyed. Id be annoyed I wasnt directly invited and had to hear about it through DH. I would be annoyed DH didnt mention it to me as soon as he knew about it, knowing that MIl doesnt send me emails. And I think I would honestly feel weird going to an event that I wasnt directly invited too.
Serendipity3, South Beach, Miami, FL 2012
I would be annoyed too, but I also wonder to what extent your DH is correct about the details. I would totally call your MIL and be like "Hi MIL, DH just told me about some party for Counsin-IL. You know how DH is, he never gets any details right *insert cheesy laugh*, and since I wasn't included on the email from you *insert passive aggressive tone*, I just want to make sure I understand what the party is so that I can bring a dish to pass or gift, or whatever is appropriate. So what exactly is going on?" She should get the hint that you are annoyed.
If it is an actual second shower, I wouldn't be annoyed at that aspect, because they did have a baby of a second gender, and a small family/close friends-only party, in conjunction with a meet and greet, sounds within the bounds of good manners.
I would be very annoyed about it, but maybe I would be more annoyed with H that he doesn't seem to remember that you are not included in the emails from his mom.
I agree I think second shower are tacky as well, especially when the age difference is only 3 years....
I think lawyerlindsay suggested the best approach for you on this issue. And yes, I'd be annoyed.
There seem to be several things going on that are driving you batty. If you've read my recent posts about my mother's illness and funeral you know I have no patience with nutcases myself (even though I am not hormonal and pregnant) so your pregnancy is not the only reason you are feeling this so much.
1) Your MIL has some serious personality problems. Your description in the previous thread sounds just like my mother's husband was 30 years ago - annoying, self-centered, controlling through passive-aggression. It only gets worse, way, way worse, until it's pathological and incurable. Consult a sociologist/family counselor/pastoral care advisor -- some professional who can counsel you on how to deal with her, because you will have to deal with her for a lot of years and if you don't handle it well it could eventually drive a wedge between you and DH. Remember that "dealing with her" does not mean accepting what she does or making yourself miserable to keep the peace - it means understanding how her mind works (or doesn't) so you don't play into the weirdness.
2) Your DH seems to know his mom is weird, yet he constantly forgets she doesn't include you on the family emails? And he responds to invites without asking you first? <sigh!> Guys! He needs a visit from the clue fairy. Tell him firmly and sweetly that unilateral decisions about such events are NOT acceptable.
3) Don't worry about whether this is called a shower, a sprinkle, or something else. People have different definitions, and different ideas of etiquette. While it is annoying, let this bit go and just focus on whether you like the cousin-in-laws, and on it being some sort of celebration of their new baby. Base your decision on that. Because I can tell you from what I've gone through in the last six days that someday you will need every cousin you can muster up, and the day you need them to hug you tight it will not matter much who read an etiquette book in years past. (I was blessed, every cousin I had came to be with me - I needed them all.)
GL! Concentrate on baby joy for the cousins and yourself.
Location TBD? That one takes the cake Mara. I wouldn't be going either.
We still plan on going. The cousin and his wife are both very nice, so I have no problem going and giving them something. Honestly I have something that I was going to send anyway. I think it was just the "MIL email irritation" trickling into this scenario, as well as wondering why the Aunt (whom I've never had any problems with) didn't just invite us herself, whether by paper invite or email.
Haha!! Love your suggestion. Too funny. MIL would probably pass out at being called out like that.
You're right about the 2nd shower. I think I'm just being a B about that because I'm irritated more with MIL (and DH too!) about how the invitation all went down.
Thanks Elkay. Your suggestion on learning how to deal with MIL is a valid one. Your mother's husband sounds like a complete nightmare and I don't know how you managed to deal with it all those years.
Totally with you on the DH issue. I almost wish he'd confront his mother about why she doesn't include me on emails just to put it all out in the open, but I'm not sure whether that's something that I should approach or whether it falls into the "it's his mother, so let him handle it" category. I roll my eyes at him everytime he asks me whether or not I received something from MIL, like "um, you KNOW she doesn't send my anything."
You're right on the cousin/shower issue as well. At the end of the day, we like the cousins and are more than happy to go meet their new baby/give a gift/etc. After a few days of randomly thinking about it, I think the root of the irritation stems more from MIL (and slightly with the aunt too) for the way the whole invitation was handled.
Thanks for the advice. How are you holding up?