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I don't know how to feel
Lance and I are fighting about the house/farm again. Summer is supposed to be our easy season because the cows don't have to be fed, and yet each and every night he is gone, working with the cows. There have been many nights this summer that Lance has only seen Wyatt for 5 minutes (if that) before going to bed. Add to that the fact that after our last huge fight the only thing that changed was a couple of his mom's things leaving the house. Since then nothing else has changed although I've been trying to get more gone...
I've been suffering from insomnia, I can't sleep at night, and this whole situation is one of the main things that I can't stop worrying about. I went to him last night again and for a short time he humored me, and then this morning when I wanted to talk about it again he said 'well we have to stay here for now, so just drop it'. He accused me of never being happy and making him feel like a bad husband.
I'm so done with fighting, with trying to get through to him my point of view when he'll actually listen to me. I tried to explain that marriage is a two way street and he said that because I'm at home with Wyatt and he is miserable at his job, he should be allowed to live wherever he chooses. I'm lost. I don't know how to get through to him.
Re: I don't know how to feel
Have you thought about counseling? It seems like there isn't good communication going on between you, and as frustrated as you are that you can't make Lance understand your POV, he's probably equally as frustrated. Add in that you're still fairly new parents, and that's just one big ball of stress after another.
I agree that you need to spend time alone as a couple without all the extra stuff going on, but I'm not sure that I would try and broach the subject at a dinner theater. At least not in the middle of dinner. Use that as a time to completely chill out, talk about fun things, and enjoy the meal/entertainment. Then maybe afterwards, when you're both feeling recharged and reconnected, start off by asking him how he feels about your life situation (not just the house, but being parents, the work on the farm, etc.) and see if you can both express yourselves calmly and productively.
Is there any way for him to hire a farm hand? I know you are missing him, but does he realize how much he is missing out on with Wyatt with his work schedule?
We had a heart-to-heart when S was leaving at 5am and coming home at 7pm regularly. Really pushing the "you are missing your kid's life" part helped him to realize that he needed to rework his schedule. He still works 12-14 hours/day, but he reworked his schedule around so he could see Anders in the evenings. Maybe getting some assistance on the farm would help Lance take some time for him, Wyatt and you.
I agree that taking some time sans Wyatt to discuss what your concerns are might be the best thing. Are you living in MIL's house still ( I can't remember, sorry!)?
I'm in agreement with Liz. I think that there needs to be some better form of communication between you two. He doesn't seem to be understanding your point of view at all.
You are right-marriage is a two way street. And if you're not happy-then something needs to change. Lance needs to realize that and work with you on it.
I think you need to come up with some sort of compromise. Maybe a change of scenery will help open him up a bit.
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This 100%. Being home with the baby doesn't mean you don't work, if just means you don't get a paycheck for your work (although the rewards make up for this). Try talking to Lance and make it seem more like a conversation and stay away from fight words ('you don't' 'I need', etc). I hope it works out. Let us know if you need to let off some steam!
Thank you girls so much! After I put Wyatt to bed I sat down with Lance and told him right out the gate that I refuse to fight, that I wanted to sit down and talk like adults about our situation.
He told me that he agrees with me, and that we'll tell his parents that we want to find a place of our own. He said that he is perfectly fine with getting our own place, but not so much about selling all the cows. He told me not to expect him to be happy when we leave, and I completely understand that. He has lived in this house all of his life, but IMO it is about time that we cut the umbilical cord and get our own place to be proud of.
Now we have to break the news to his parents, which is probably not going to go well. I want to look at houses first so that by some miracle he'll get excited enough to say that it is what we want and not just what I want. I can imagine I'll get thrown under the bus to some extent, but that is okay, since if it weren't for me we could live happily ever after on the farm.
Lance just doesn't grasp the fact that we can't afford all of the upkeep that is required. We lost a lot of money ranching last year, so hiring help is completely out of the question unfortunately.
I"m so glad that he was willing to talk and not fight. It seems like you were able to come to a decent compromise.
As for when you talk to his parents, be sure you and Lance talk before you have that conversation with his parents so you're on the same page. Yes, you know they are going to assume it is you, but hopefully Lance will tell them it is best for YOUR family, which is his life now.
*hugs* to you. Happy House hunting! I hope you find something amazing that he will love too!
For the love of God, this. It won't help anything if he is agreeing with his parents about you being the fault for all of this. You have to be a united front or it completely defeats the purpose of being a couple. And he needs to be the one to do the majority of the talking. It's his family.
This exactly. It seems like the best thing is for you to start in your own place that you can call YOUR home and not his childhood home. You made a compromise the last time by staying in the house and hoping that you could fill it with your own things to make it feel more like your own home. You tried, and it seems like it didn't really work out or change much, so now it's time to try another option. Like a PP said, just make sure that you are on the same page before talking to his parents, and I also think maybe do some house hunting first and find something that you both love.
good luck!
Thanks again girls. we spent most of the night talking about it and looking on mls for listings and the more we looked, the more comfortable he got with the idea, and admitted to me that he has been getting more and more tired of coming home from work just to go back outside and work. So I think we're on the same page now (and if we're not then it is a lot better than it was).
We found this listing: http://www.realtor.ca/PropertyDetails.aspx?&PropertyId=9961643&PidKey=-419081235
which is in our price range with 70 acres, a corral system so he would still be able to have cows, just not so many, and we would be able to keep our horse. Plus the house is adorable and we would still be a half hour out of town and in the boonies with no neighbors, just like Lance likes it. So I think we may have found our compromise, which makes me feel so much better
Thanks girls
I'm pretty anxious that Lance and I can stick with our decision. We're both pretty excited about going to see the house next week. Apparently they haven't gotten any bites because the market has been pretty slow, so they've dropped their price by 50,000.
Hopefully we can go through this transition smoothly and you can all come visit!! lol (ps: we'd be about 10 minutes further south if that means anything to anyone haha)
I would come visit you
lol.. cute house, I hope that everything works out for you guys!
#1-BFP 08-22-09 ~ M/C 08-31-09 at 5 weeks 6 days
#2-BFP 08-6-11 ~ Due 04/18 ~ born via c-section April 22, 2012
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