Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I know I shouldn't but...
Hi,
My old account got deleted somehow (I was always a lurker) so I am posting under a new name. If this gets long, I apologize in advance. Let's get started:
Backround: I am 23 and throughout my life my mother and father had a very strained relationship. My dad was always a hard worker, he was sick ever since I can remember, but never complained. He always took care of us. (There are 3, one older brother, and one younger, older from a previous highschool realationship and she cheated on my father to concieve the younger one.) He never treated my brothers differently from me, even though it was very clear that my younger brother was not his (He is kind of darkish caramel skinned) My mother was always walking out on us, sometimes taking my younger brother, sometimes not. She would leave for months on end and just reappear one day. She was the cause of 80% of the fighting that was going on between them, and I saw this at an early age. I favored my father over her and she hated that. She would say very mean things to me, she called me ugly, said she didn't love me, and that I would end up just like my dad (which is a great thing because he was the kindest and most responsible person I knew). She hated him with a passion, and hated me because he loved me and not her.
Fast Forward: My dad died of a heart attack when I was 11. About a year and a half before he had a mild heart attack. Maybe 6 months later we packed everything up and moved to FL from NJ. A year later he died. She left us again while we were in FL. I begged and pleaded with my father to not let her come back this time. But he did anyway. She went to work with him that day, and watched him die. Less than 24 hours later we were on a plane to NJ. My older brother stayed in FL (and still lives there today) He was 18 at the time and had a steady job as a helper of a plumbing company (11 years later he is a senior plumber at the same company)
As I became an adult, my older brother had told me that my father knew he was sick, and wanted to die in a nice place so that is why we moved. When we came back to NJ, we moved in with my mothers old best friend/previous neighbor. My mother went back to the diner she used to work at and within 6 months, her, my little brother (8 at the time) had moved into a tiny apt. It was maybe 3 weeks before she had another man staying over, and I was extreamly hurt and uncomfortable with this, and had let it be known. She stopped bringing men around and started going out at night while we were sleeping. My little brother had many emotional problems (god only knows what he had seen when my mother would take him) He wet the bed until he was 14. He would wake up screaming at night, and I would console him. Only then that's when I noticed she would be out almost every night, sometimes not even coming home before we would go to school.
She started seeing a man that introduced her to crack and began smoking at while in the house. She quit her job, although she would still go out and say that she was working. I had arrived home from school one day to find that the locks had been changed, so I went upstairs and asked the landlord's daughter what was going on. She said that we were evicted and I could not go in. I begged her to let me in, and I found that EVERYTHING but anything belonging to me was gone. She had taken all my brothers clothes, furniture, everything except for my stuff. So I packed a suitcase and a big box of what I could fit and pushed it about a mile to my friends house. I called my mother's "job", they said she hadn't been there in months. I went to get my brother from school and went back to my friend's house. My friend lived with her grandmother and she let us stay there until we could find my mom. 2 weeks go by and I get picked up from my moms friend/old neighbor saying that we will be staying with her temorarly. She did not sugar coat anything for me, she told me that my mother was on drugs and left with her boyfriend.
She would come around every 3 months or so and promise that she would take us back (I didn't care, I was glad to be rid of her) and I could see how much it hurt my brother. After about a year of living with her friend we moved with my dad's sister whom I had never met, and finished out my schooling, when I graduated I moved (got kicked out) out.
When I was 19 my mother had somehow gotten my address and wrote me. She said she was clean and wanted to see us. I didn't want my brother to "relapse" and went alone. The first thing she said to me (for not seeing me for 5 years) was "Wow, I wear a smaller size than you". Needless to say I did not seek an ongoing relationship with her. Through out the last 4 years she has gone through spurs of emailing me and trying to contact me on myspace (old) and FB. All those years of drug use really fried her brain. She sounds like she is senile.
In 09' when I had my daughter she had called me out of the blue and asked me if I had a child, she said she just had a feeling that one of my siblings did. I told her yes, she asked if she could see her, I said no. She stopped calling/emailing me. This past 4th of July, I get a call from one of her friends saying that she wants to talk to me, I say ok and she gets on the phone. I don't know what came over me (I was having a bad day to begin with) but I just started talking about everything that shes done, and how it's effected my brother and I. (My older brother is pretty normal and stable. He credits this from having learned from my father. My younger brother is kind of following in her footsteps and we don't talk anymore.) She could not take what I was saying to her and out down the phone. ( This is the first time I have ever brought it up. I was very emotional about it in the past. When I became a mother, I have no filter with her) I found out from the friend that she has been clean for 60 days, when she led me to believe she had been clean for a few years.
Now she keeps emailing me with one sentences, like "I'm sorry about what I did" and "I love you kids, please forgive me."
Ok and finally, I know that I am not going to get the answers I need from her, but I can't help but try while she is still alive. If only to make her life miserable. It's kind of fun for me, to make her cry and feel like shiit because she's done it to us for years, now it's payback. She always throws the guilt trip around, "But I'm still your mother" and it makes me feel bad, as stupid as it sounds. She wants to see my daughter and I am thinking of arranging something with her to actually talk to her in person. She can't avoid me if I'm in front of her. Do you think this is a good idea? I know it's not but I need piece of mind. Something deep down tells me, even after all the things she's done, my father is in heaven saying, "just let her see the baby, she's still your mother."
I'm so sorry this got longer than expected. If you got through it, I would appeciate any advice. Thanks.
Re: I know I shouldn't but...
Eh...The only real reason why I'm angry is because when I was 19 my brother was thrown out of my Aunt's house and I took custody of him. I tried to do everything I could to make sure we were both ok. I have been taking care of him since I can remember. He is going down a bad path and I blame her for it. I love my brother and don't want to see him dead, in jail, or strung out. I am not really looking for anything from her, I just want to get everything off my chest that has been bottling up for years that I have never unleashed on her.
I have been to therapy, and I do think I need to go again. The biggest thing I need to get over is not knowing all the answers, and I feel as long as she's alive, I'm going to try to get some. I would even take "I was weak and on drugs that's why all this happened" as an excuse, but she's not even tried to use that. She maintains that she doesn't know what I'm talking about. *Eye roll*
You need therapy asap and al anon they will teach you how to handle her manipulative behavior and the gult trips she has been tryingto dump on you.
Please get some help (a lot) before you make a decision.
That is the whole point. She's putting it on you to accept her one-liners "Love you. Forgive me." but she hasn't owned-up to the damage and betrayl she caused.
She's required to make ammends as part of her sobriety. That means hearing about all of the damage she caused/let happen, being emotionally available and talking about it. Yes, she's your mother but she's still inflicted a great deal of pain on you and pretending otherwise is not helpful to YOU.
Your father was wrong to let her walk back into your lives over and over with no consequences or re-building of relationships. Now that he's in heaven, he can see that. I can only imagine that he has wisdom now that he never did on earth. So, I am sure he is calling out to you, "Don't re-live my mistakes. Take hold of your life and don't let her walk back in unless it is good and healthy for you. Not unless she can acknowledge and admit what's she done wrong. Don't do it otherwise."
Al-Anon would be a great resource for you to handle these issues. I can't do this alone. And Al-ANon are people who survived the drug and alcoholism of loved ones and they struggle with the exact same issues you are facing right now. Its free and available to be a support. I hope you start to go to meetings. It will help with yuor mother and with your brother.
You sound very strong. I hope you know how special you are to overcome such tragedy.
My daughter is too young to understand what's going on. If I do decide to see her, this will be the one and only time she sees my daughter.
My mother is mentally unbalanced. She was a biitch even without the drugs.
Wow. I'm really sorry for everything you've been through.
Definitely do not arrange to meet with your mom (at least not right now.) Therapy, along with AlAnon or NarAnon will help you make the right decision in time.
FWIW though, I am not seeing any indication that she has earned access back into your life (especially if it means her seeing your daughter.)
The fact that she gave birth to you does not make her your mother.
She made her decision every time she ran off, left you, chose other men or drugs over you and your brothers. If you have any contact with her, it ought to be "Let me know when you're ready to admit what you've done and accept responsibility for it."
I understand dealing with a manipulator who guilt trips you. But until you shut her down every time she tries to guilt you, she has no reason to stop.
wow. i'm so sorry you had to go through that-and your father and brothers. honestly-i dont blame you for wanting to get back at her HOWEVER i dont think it's the right thing to do.
while your brother may be going down a bad path it's important to realize that it may NOT be a result of your mother. plenty of people who have excellent home lives grow and and go down that same bad path. i think that automatically blaming her, for something of which you have no proof, is you really only trying to find another way of getting back at her in a way. he is an adult and CHOOSES the path to go down, no one can make him do that.
i really hope you'll take the other ladies' advice about some counseling. while you do sound like you've been able to pick up a lot of the pieces after your mom it's very clear that you still have a serious resentment/anger/hatred/and probably serious abandonment issues because of it. i'm not saying that a counselor will rid you of these feelings but it will help you to learn to deal with your feelings in a very constructive and healthy way-and that's what the point is.
good luck to you-and i hope that the outcome of all of this is a happy and healty life for everyone involved-together or apart.
I get that your mother is off her nut. Why she's off her nut is not important. I get that your baby is just a baby. That *she* is too young to understand what's going on is also not important. You are old enough to *use* your daughter to feed your motives. Choosing to use your daughter as a tool, and then excusing it because she's too young to understand is bitchy. I don't care what decision you make where your mother and forgiveness is concerned..I'm sure she started excusing her behavior because she felt kids were too young to understand and it just never stopped. I think to do the same to satiate your own special brand of compulsion is to follow the same path and ultimately makes you no better in choices where your kids are concerned. I'm suggesting you be better than your mother.
Let it go. She is who she is. She's not going to give you a straight up answer, because she knows you want it. And if she gives it to you, you won't pay attention to her anymore. I know you deserve answers, but how often does it actually happen that we get everything we deserve in this world?
Someone once said "holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
You've done so much, to have overcome the death of your father and the crappy situation your mother left you in. Why would you want to deal with it again? and even if she were to give you an excuse like " I was weak and it was the drugs fault", do you honestly deep down think that will make you feel better?
If you really feel that you and the baby can visit her without dredging up all the problems from the past, I would say sure, why not? But using your daughter to try to trap her into answering your questions is wrong.
I'm seriously not trying to flame you, but I would hate for you and your daughter to end up back in the cycle of problems that you've made it out of. If you want a feeling of connection and family reach out to your healthy brother.
This is all I had to hear, the rest was just icing on the crazy cake. Keep her away from you and your child. Hope life is treating your kinder.
Good luck making your peace with your mother in whatever form that may come.
I must have wrote her letters at least 10 times and not given them to her. I find that it did help in the short term. I have also done this with my father and other people that I have had a falling out with or missed dearly.
Thank you all for your advice. I am not trying to trap her into speaking to me with my daughter there. If I wanted to do that then I would go see her alone. I do not think this will be detrimental to me in anyway. I feel indifferent towards her. I have seen her a few times and after, went on with my life, nothing changed. I may sound angry but these are just things I had to let be known so you guys could know the whole story. It honestly doesn't bother me anymore. I have come to terms with everything, some people are not meant to be parents, and she was one of them. I am just glad I had the influence of my father, even if for a short amount of time, because he is who shaped me into the person I am. I also had strong women as examples to lead by. Even though I didn't have a "mother", I don't feel like I was short changed in that department. This is more curiosity than anything,what she looks like, how she would react seeing my daughter, or even act towards me.
I have a great relationship with my older brother. He is so much like my father that it is comforting to speak with him. We talk once or twice a week for about an hour.
I am going to continue to think things over and will update. Thanks again for all your advice guys!